Today was just….awful…. mainly I suppose because I let myself get rattled and then it is just a slippery slope. I was trying to fix something that I just absolutely have no idea how to fix, I’ve been avoiding it & now the BR MGR is getting irritated because it’s still an annoying popup on his screen. He’s not technical, he doesn’t understand, nor does he really give 2 shits that we are down 2 men from where we want to be. We actually now have 1 more person than when I started. So now my boss is upset & wanting me to document everything in case HIS boss decides to get in on the action, and why do we have so many old tickets anyway?!? He knows the answer, but he’s frustrated just like me. So I am making my forehead bloody, Sunshine offers to help but I’m just in a bad mood. I’m just trying to do what I’ve been told to do, no creative thinking going on here. And he’s trying to be helpful & say all the right things “don’t let it get to you, why are you so worked up over it”, etc. Finally he says “helping you when you are frustrated is as bad as trying to help me when I am frustrated – worthless!” Yea, he’s absolutely right. He leaves, I start crying at my desk. Geez, what the frak is wrong with me. I am having a mental breakdown, I’m actually having a panic attack, which I don’t do – ever – and that is making me panic more. I am a world-class freak, and I’m definitely not setting a very good example for anyone else there. And we just have too much to do & they just keep heaping it on. I can’t see straight.
I heard that Blankie doesn’t like his nickname, so I guess I’ll go to BB, but that was Brian’s…. I thought it was very clever & cuddly & warm & cozy, but ….
And then 009 is calling me wondering where I am because I’m late, luckily I was right there & he forgave me. Then they ate supper with their dad. So I pedaled & watched some TV to try and get the elephant off of my chest. It said I did 500 calories worth. That would be lovely for 40 minutes. My waist measured 32. I remember when it used to be 25. I remember when I used to work at Pythia & Darren would always freak out because his thigh was bigger around than my waist & I thought it was cute. And I thought he was cute. But he was married. But I didn’t have my rules then. But we didn’t.
So I decided to check my email & I had one from match. I had been emailing off & on one of my “matches’. So he responds back that he had started dating someone, wasn’t sure where it was going to go & wanted to know if it didn’t work out could he contact me again (I’ve not EVER handed out my personal stuff, I refuse, only the site). And at first I was thinking, yea good luck to you dude, sure drop me a note. But now that I’ve had time to think about it, what the fuck??!?! I’m insulted! I’m not going to be your fallback position any more than I’ll be the wrestler’s! So I’ve just come to the conclusion that it. is. just. never. going. to. happen. There is NO point in having hope it is just a monkey on my back. I am apparently too fat, too ugly, too weird or too something for anyone to ever really take interest in who I truly am. What I want does not exist.
At choir practice the wrestler’s mom is not there again, her sister-in-law was very ill on Sunday & they did not expect her to survive. Chances are he was in Ohio too. And why do I even care? Why did I even notice the other Sunday that the jarhead sticker was off his back bumper. Because I can’t help myself. Can someone please just suck that memory out of my head? Just like I…. well, never mind…
And I cried on the way there, and I cried on the way back. I think I’m having a midlife crisis. I just don’t even want to exist anymore. I am just putting 1 foot in front of the other and I don’t even know why except for those 2 boys upstairs asleep. 007 came down earlier, just to sleep in my lap. And that made me cry. Getting stuck in my driveway made me cry, my furnace made me cry, my frozen pipes tonight made me cry. I am an emotional freak. A train wreck.
I’ve been thinking about my message on the 20th. About doing it on obedience. And how Abraham was so obedient he was willing to sacrifice his son. And how God was so honored by that obedience that he delivered a ram instead. And how I feel like Abraham. All he ever wanted was a son, a successor to the family. All I ever wanted was the white picket fence. And then I thought I had it. And then it was taken away. No ram for me. And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men aren’t going to be able to put it back together again. And they’re not even going to be able to give me a newer, shinier one. And I wonder how in the world Paul was ever able to be content being the prisoner. Sure, it was “just” house arrest, but he was shackled, in the basement. Never to see the light of day again, to feel the sunlight on his face. And I think that is me. And somehow I have to be able to feel content knowing that is all that I will get. But I can’t because my heart longs & yearns for more. 2 men, both obedient. One blessed worldly, the other, not.
Wow, it’s late, I guess I need to get to bed & be rested up so that I can start this mess all over again. Tomorrow is always another chance, right? Tomorrow is the wine & chocolate extravaganza at Charley Creek with Jilly Bean. Who knows what that might bring, right?
On a good note, the credit card remains paid off now for 4 weeks, totally cool. I’ve been paying extra on my bike, but I paid double-extra on it this time. In fact, I’m thinking if I make the “extra” payment every week I’ll have it paid off by May. I’m so totally considering it. And on Monday I’ll have my emergency fund back at the recommended level & I’ll start making a larger deposit too the week after. Go me!
Hopefully this week I can make it to FISH.
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