Insanely crazy...

I have a customer at work who, when you ask how he’s doing, always replies “I’m going insane!”. In fact so much that it is the standing joke that you have to ask him.  However, I wonder if Bob is not rubbing off on me!  On Sunday I made the very impulsive decision to get a 1-way ticket down to Orlando to visit a certain pilot (in fact he was even going to pay but that didn’t seem right) for the weekend.  I am taking Monday off, as we won’t be returning until then & so that means my dad has to pick the boys up from Kokomo for me & take care of them that night & get them to school.  That part makes me feel pretty irresponsible.  However, this is an incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity, as I get to fly back to Indy with him in the T-34!  That part is so incredibly awesome!  And since they’ve not had a photographer for a number of years, I’m probably going to go up on a few training flights as well to shoot.  I got a 8GB CF card, spare battery, new lens cap (I had lost one in STL) and a wide angle/fish eye adapter for the camera.  I hope the card is big enough.  He’s got his laptop so I can dump them if nothing else, but I’m so picky about people seeing my raw work it makes me nervous!

I even went to get contacts so that I can wear some sunglasses there and also not have to worry about the glasses while I shoot.  They so get in the way.  I was told by 007 that I look ugly without my glasses.  I thought that was charming.

The cat finally caught the mouse.  And let it go.  And caught it. And let it go.  And caught it.  And let it go.  While we were watching Chopped.  It grossed me out.  I screamed like a little girl.  They hop.  It’s still lose.  Maybe the cat needs to go back outside.

OK, it’s time to get the chitlin up & ready for school.  I hope to post more later…..

Tonight’s 009’s birthday party.  Hope the cake looks good.  Hope some of his friends can come.  The 2 he asked yesterday cannot.  He was going to ask 2 more today.  Nothing like finding out ahead of time….

Hold my Hand...

So Monday I called the doctor’s office to get my results.  The nurse was less than kind.  “Well, I don’t know why you are calling!  The sample didn’t even get sent out until Friday, the lab would have been closed, so it didn’t even get started until today.  Call back Thursday or Friday.”  “Well, the doctor said to call today”.  “They don’t know anything, I don’t know why he told you that!”.  Sheesh!  So I had to wait more days. The days passed by OK, kept busy being a mom & stuff.  Had lunch with EE on Tuesday, that was the highlight.  Wednesday he came over after I got back from Kokomo & that was terribly exciting.  It’s so much fun to just talk to him, but of course there was lots of kissing involved too.  And a glass of wine.  That was also the night 007 started getting pretty sick, so we slept in the recliner that night. Well, at least he did!

Thursday came & they called me with the news.  It is Type 1. Which I knew I had, I get terrible cold sores when I’m really stressed, but probably only once every 3-5 years.  Had no idea you could get them there.  Wow what a surprise.  That nurse was a lot nicer & spent some time with me on the phone.  But holy cow does that mean I’ll always have to use a condom now, and what about BJs? Am I going to be able to do those safely anymore?  Apparently you can have viral shedding even if you’re not having an active breakout.  I can’t be responsible for giving it to anyone else.  Maybe I should just become a nun.  And I haven’t told him that part yet.

Thursday morning after work, he had to head up to MI to pick up the plane, and then fly down with the guys to New Smyrna FL to get the new FAA requirements put on the plane & then do some test flights before training this coming weekend.  I’d rather tell him in person.  We’ve talked a lot on the phone but he’s got horrible reception there, and of course I do here too.  But I don’t want to do it that way.  And I hate that I can’t tell him.  And I miss him horribly!  I’m not sure I can wait another 7 days before seeing him again, are you kidding?!?!  And I sit here wondering how it is that this man I haven’t known very long is all of a sudden such an important part of my life?  And I think I’ve fallen so hard and it scares me.  What if I’m wrong (again)? What if I’ve made a bad choice (again)? What if my heart is just going to break (again)?  SIL says they just want me to be happy.  Yea, me too.  That they’re hoping someday I won’t need them to pick up the pieces (which they willingly do every time). Yea, me too.  I just want a good relationship.  I just want to be able to stop just looking into the candy store through the window and actually be able to walk into the store & shop.  And eat.  It’s so frustrating. To know something exists out there, but to just constantly wonder if it’s never meant for you, just everyone else.

Yesterday we had a nice, lazy day.  We goofed off around the house, then I had my massage (oh wow, it felt so good!) and then grocery shopping & errand running.  Back at the house we put away the groceries & the boys played outside for a bit.  I picked up all the limbs & sticks from the yard, a whole wagon load, and got all of that & the other limbs that I had chucked behind the shed all broken up & sorted.  I have quite the stack that needs sawed, but maybe later.  The boys worked on picking up rocks out of the yard & flowerbed.  At their rate, it will take forever.  I’ve done the mathematical calculations… Then a quick nap for me (sweet!) and a birthday party for a friend’s daughter.  Yummy!  Then we went to the Eagles to see Gnomeo & Juliet.  It was so cute!  And oddly, did follow the play to some extent, just acted out by lawn gnomes…seriously.

Today is church, eating lunch with Dick at church, then out to the male parental unit’s house so the boys can work on picking up rocks & I can work on his checkbook.  I really don’t want to, I’d rather come back here, but what do you do?

Have a great day!

More St. Louis

OK, apparently I can’t remember all we did out there… I still have a ton to go & I thought I was almost done!  I have the arch & the museum left plus I’m not sure yet what is in the other folders from the other camera!  I have a thing for Japanese Steakhouses, love them! And it has been so long since I’ve been to one, this was the last.  007 really used to hate them & we’d have to take him out for part of the show as he would SCREAM!  I think he’s starting to warm up to them though….

 This is what we usually get (005 at the time pouting because he did NOT want to be there…)

 008 (at the time) thinking “this is totally cool & I love it!

 Yummy mushroom soup.  008 ate 005’s…

 Love this shot of his eyes peeking over the bowl, totally by accident but sooo worth it!

 The dreaded moment…. This is the part 005 hates, will we survive?  He actually kinda liked it…

 Please don’t mix my food up!  He wouldn’t touch the shrimp on the edge…008 polished them off for him…

 This isn’t too bad, and hey, I’m getting the hang of these chopstick thingies!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/  See all of them here….

Something about you...

First off, I love this man’s voice & he can really tinkle the ivories too… but maybe not as much as I like a certain soft-spoken electrical engineer turned pilot’s voice.  Especially when it is nestled right in my ear.  And there is a part of me that is so embarrassed by how girly I feel about all of this.

I’ve been reading a lot in my Wounded Heart (Dan Allender http://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Heart-Victims-Childhood-Sexual/dp/1600063071/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1300237701&sr=1-1  and tonight some things that really struck me was how there is death of hope.  That you have to let it die or else you risk being betrayed time & time again in relationships.  And I think about all of my failed relationships (more than I can even remember really, not even counting the one night stand type) and how I’ve just always tried to find love in all the wrong places.  And that it truly is all that I’ve been looking for.  But then because of the pain & betrayal, not being able to make good choices & setting myself up right back into the type of relationship that just delivers more & more betrayal.  That I have lived my whole life thinking that the very 1 thing I’ve always wanted doesn’t really exist.  Because that was the only way I could deal with the pain of never having it.  Because it was safer, easier, less painful to just pretend it didn’t exist, than to think that maybe it just didn’t exist for me.

And how victims will either turn extremely cynical or become almost childlike in their blind trust.  And I realize I was the blind trust type, who didn’t really trust.  I swore there were always bad motives behind every good action, but yet just wanting to trust someone, anyone that I was willing to ignore it.  How you become so good at ignoring your instincts & gut feelings.  I don’t even know how to listen to them anymore, let alone interpret what they mean.

And so here I sit.  The chance to have a normal, happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects me & values me as a person.  Something I’m just starting to do myself.  And understand why I don’t and how that has impacted me both professionally & personally.  It’s like I finally got the code book to understand myself.  It’s overwhelming.

He is absolutely amazing & I fear I’m just doing the same thing all over again.  Blindly trusting someone that I really shouldn’t be.  But I don’t have any of the weird feelings that I did with those in the past & I’m hoping that is a good sign.  Plus Jilly Bean just really loves him & thinks we just so fit.  That we are a good match.  So I try to use her feelings and words to help support mine, that mine are right.  She’d tell me if he wasn’t good for me.

But because of what I think about all the time it really scares me.  My mind sometimes gets stuck in 6^th gear….

He came over last night for a bit before going to work.  It was so good to see him.  And then we went to lunch at Market Street again.  And he told me a lot about the trip & the plane & I’m so excited for him, it’s going to be so much fun & so good for him.  They will practice formations & then he’ll also get a vacation.  You can check out some of the past events here…

http://www.georgebakeraviation.com/T-34%20Fly-in.htm He’s mostly in the 2006 & 2009 sets…

He’s 319 and here…

http://www.t-34.com/images/photos_planes.htm (same plane, with his partner, Tom, which is where they store the plane during the winter)

And now he’s probably going to have to leave a day early to skirt all the rain & I’m totally bummed.  Getting ready to call him & hope that it helps ease my heartache…

(you spin me) right round

I had no idea this video was sooooo strange!!!

OK, just a quick update because it’s getting late & I so need to go to bed….

Saturday I did not have my massage, she had forgotten, so that is rescheduled for next week.  Instead when grocery shopping & errand shopping until EE (although I really like flyboy too….) was closer to waking up.  He’s given me his garage code, so I can pretty much come & go as I please, but sneaking in doesn’t work as it wakes him up!  Friday actually, he just really wanted me to stay there, but I did not.  Sooo…..Headed over there for a bit, things got a bit steamy (well, for him but not for me, as I’m on the IR list….)….ok a lot steamy… and then we went to the winery to meet up with T&J & their friends from Wisconsin.  And it is killing me to not tell him….arggh!  We stay there for a bit, try some of the Wine Dude’s new wines, I have a glass of the bordermen’s because I really like it & he’s out of the sweetser.  Which I really like.  I end up buying a bottle of each & a hanging rock for EE when he comes over as he doesn’t like the same that I like.  But that is OK, it leaves more for me.

We go back to his place, he makes me some coffee, it is terribly hard to leave him, but I do have plans with the girls.  So we end up going to eat at Bob Evans & talking.  The FTW girl doesn’t show, but that’s OK as cruise control & I have a good conversation anyway.  We’re a lot alike in many ways.  I tell her a bit about EE and she’s excited for me.  But she knows my fears & where I’ve been, at least partially.  After leaving her, I stop in at CCI and see T&J and gang.  We talk for a few minutes, I take their picture, and then we’re off.  I came back here & did a bunch of research.  Forgot about the time change, got to bed way too late.

Today I had a couple of song to sing at church and Bonnie wanted me to lead the songs for the rest of service too.  So I was very OK with that, I like singing.  I’m assuming I have a good enough voice to do it or they wouldn’t have me do such things, right?

After church, I came back here, ate some popcorn & watched a TV show.  Then I swept out the car (oh wow, was it nasty!  It still needs cleaned/detailed but it is tons better! I was embarrassed!). Took out the compost & washed up stuff that needed to go back to EE.  I was going to tell him so I wanted to make sure that if he asked me to leave there was no uncomfortable, “oh yea, I need all my stuff back” kind of moment.  And I’m scared to death but I got to do it, I can’t keep it inside anymore.

I get over there, and he’s on the phone with son #2.  they talk for a bit about some crazy project he’s got going on up there.  And he’s just woken up, so we go back to his bed & just lie there & cuddle up for a bit.  It is so nice, but how do I introduce this thing that I need to talk about.  So finally I just say “can we talk about something we should have talked about on Friday?  I’m really sorry I didn’t then, but I just didn’t know how you would react & the thought of you saying you never want to see m again was paralyzing.  But I need to be honest & tell you”.  So I tell him about the other reason I was there “pain in the shower, mean doctor, blah blah blah….and so if you want me to just leave now I will.  I understand”.  And he said “no, I don’t want you to leave.  That’s the last thing I want.  Please don’t.  And he just takes me in those wonderful arms of his (gahh! They are so sexy!) and he just holds me & I’m crying on the inside because this was just so not what I expected.  At all.  And we talk quite a bit more about his past & stuff.  And then we are back at it & I just can’t believe that he wants anything to do with me, let alone still like this.  I make sure he is well rewarded for this.  And then somehow we end up in the shower together.  He uses the most amazing smelling shampoo ever!  He didn’t take a shower last night before getting into bed as he didn’t have to do much machinery work & so he wasn’t really dirty.  And I think this is the first time I have seen him fully naked (or at least with enough light for me to see) & I know it is for him seeing me & of course I have such issues with my post baby body.  But I definitely like what I saw.  Um um!  Did I mention he’s got fantastic arms?  Oh, and shoulders….and arms….and eyes...and ears…and lips…and thighs…and…well, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination….  Seriously, could this be like the package deal?!

He cooks me some supper, cod & rice & veggies.  It was wonderful and at least this time we truly got to eat. Which did not happen last Saturday… well, until he came over here.  And all of a sudden it strikes me that I’m no longer scared, sad nervous, whatever, just peaceful….and it was amazing.  And it all came from not being rejected but accepted.  That he cared more about me than anything else.  Just like Jilly Bean had said.  Wow, you have no idea how huge that is for me.  I felt myself slipping incredible amounts…slipping into a place I just never thought I’d be in again.  And it is such a wonderful feeling.  I think it might be official that I’m head over heels….

So now we’ve got some lunch plans this week, and maybe him coming over at night too.  This weekend he takes the plane down south with a buddy to get it worked on & prepped.  He’ll stay down the week & oversee the work & have some much needed vacation.  He’s going to be gone like a week and a half.  I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stand it & I miss him already.

I was late picking up the boys tonight, but not totally my fault.  The X said he was going to be late, but he sent a message saying they were on time, but my phone got dorked up because of the time change, and I was busy at the time, and, well, I’m just not that good with the time management thing…. I know they would say different at work, but….

OK, so that’s it in more than a nutshell….Good night!

How did I get here...?

“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. ”

Patrick Overton - Author, poet, teacher

This came in my quote for the day email.  I find myself at the edge of the light once again.  Yesterday was such a blur of a day for me.  I had been having some pain in my female parts starting earlier this week (like Monday/Tuesday) and thought I should probably have it checked out.  I no longer see my beloved gynecologist down in Carmel.  Oh how I miss her & even her partners.  It has been 2 years, so I thought I’d try to find one up here.  When I took 009 to get his head fixed, they gave me a list of doctors in the area, so I called the one that was on there.  Dr. P was not available but Dr. C was.  So I had an appointment yesterday with him.  I cannot even begin to tell you how awful of an experience this was for me.  First off, let me start by saying being examined by a male doctor down there is panic attack material for me.  I didn’t know he was going to be a he.  I’m about to bolt at this point, but I really need to get this checked out & get an annual so I go ahead.  I don’t like his bedside manner, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to the wall (in other words, very little eye contact) and he treats me like a child.  He’s around 65, so I suppose he could have children my age, but that’s not the point.  He asks some very pointed questions about my sex life and the room is starting to spin.  I told him I haven’t been active in months but he’s not believing it.  I can see it in his face.

So we get to the “scoot forward & stick your feet in the stirrups” part and he checks out where it is sore.  He immediately whips out to the side so he can see me & really starts asking questions. “What do you mean you’ve not had sex, I’m going to be more direct here, oral, manual or penile penetration?” “Oral once, manual once, nothing else”.  And I can tell he doesn’t believe me.  But it is true.  And now I’m freaking out & I’m sweating & I just want to jump off the thing & get dressed & flee.  “Well, I’ve been doing this for 35 years, and I’ve got to tell you I could diagnose correctly what you have visually 80% of the time and I don’t really think you could get it that way, but…”  And he says the H word. WTF!  Are you kidding me?  I’m reeling, about to vomit & am sooooo embarrassed.  I’ve always tried to be so careful (yes, I’m a very promiscuous person, or at least I have been in my past, I’ve been trying to change that) so I just don’t get it.

He decides that he will take a sample to grow a culture.  So he takes a thing that looks like a toothbrush and starts abrading my vulva.  I went from “this is slightly uncomfortable” to wanting to put a bullet in his head.  Then he inserts the speculum (after he’s tried to distract me by how “cool” it is because it’s acrylic & a light inside of it & all that).  And does the pap.  With a plastic swizzle stick looking thing that has an upside down plastic umbrella shaped tip that he twirls over my cervix.  And that is painful too.  I have scar tissue up in there thank you very much!  He gets done & asks if I have any questions.

I want to know like how long I could have had this before getting the breakouts & he said max 7 days (which is not true as I did a lot of research last night).  In fact this could have been lying dormant in my nervous system for years & it just now decided to pop out.  Like shingles. In fact they are related.  At this point I’m not very inclined to believe him or anything he says.  He says 2/3 of the adult male population is a carrier.  First off, only 20% of the entire population has it, most people don’t know it & women are way more susceptible to it than men. I don’t like him after the way he treated me & I don’t like his scare tactics!  He did not talk about viral treatments, prevention, support, anything, just dropped this bomb on me & “oh, have a nice day”.  F*CK you dude!

When I got up to get dressed, I noticed the speculum is all bloody too.  He gave me a pad & said “yea, I did make you bleed”.  No sorry, just “do you want a tampon or a pad”.  Hum, think I’ll pick pad as you just used a bottlebrush up my vajajay!  Seriously??!?!  I feel completely violated & abused & betrayed.

Now I have to wait until Monday to see if the culture grows positive or negative.  While I would like to get a second opinion, the cultures usually don’t lie.  But if it is positive I’ll be picking someone else to treat me.  He’s not getting any more of my money.

And now I have this other little matter of just starting a relationship with the most incredible, ever in my life, man. If it’s positive, how the heck do I tell him?  If it’s positive, my sex life changes forever. I’ve never gotten to feel this man inside me & it’s all I dream about.  He is never going to want to stay with me after he learns.  I’m beyond damaged goods at this point.  I’m toxic. JB says “don’t be silly, he cares about you too much to do that.  Why would God put this person in your life just to have them leave you?”  Because that’s what happens to me, because of free will, because most people just can’t take it.

I don’t remember much about work the rest of the afternoon, issues with P21 & server rebuilds & trying to close out/schedule old tickets.  I got the boys to Kokomo OK & got some new rugs for the mudroom at Target.  Then I drove to EE’s house because he had asked me out to dinner.  I get there & he fixes me a cocktail (amaretto & coke – thanks Alyson!) except he’s only got pepsi, what is with you Michigan people!?! But it tastes good.  We sit & talk for about an hour.  I tell him part of what happened at the gynecologist.  He was sweet & just listened & held me.  We went out to the Mill in Marion.  Wonderful filet & salad.  The view was awesome too (it is on the river & they have a little “dam” like thing in the river to make water noise).  We talked about everything & nothing.  He was wearing his contacts again, so I’ve got an amazing view of his eyes.  We leave about 9:45 so he can get home & change & get to work.  We don’t make it out of the laundry room for a while as I help him out of his shirt.  He’s got the most amazing arms, ever!  We do make it back to his bedroom where I help him out of his pants, he takes my shirts & bra off and the feel of his skin is indescribable.  We are both so incredibly horny, but no, we do not.  Although I got a bit of fun in with him ;)  We lay there on his giant bed for a bit & talk.  We want to have sex, I’m worried about the complications & say “yea, we do that & I get all attached & then you leave & break my heart.  I’m not sure I can stand it.” He said “I was thinking the same thing about you…” Geez, really?! Told him I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.  He said he didn’t think there was anything I could do to disappoint him & make him run.  OK, in light of everything else, I’m about to panic. He finally gets dressed, gets his lunch packed, and we’re standing there in his kitchen.  Next to each other.  I’ve got my hand on his cheek & neck, he’s got his on the small of my back, pressing me to him & gazing into each other’s eyes. I’m not sure yet what I saw there but it made me scared & nervous & very excited.  All of a sudden I can’t think of life without this man & I’m on the verge of losing him.

Do I always fall this hard for guys this fast?  This feels different from the first ex, the X, the wrestler, the recruiter, the singer and the geek.  Feels the same as the fireman & the mechanic.  I’m not sure I know what that means just yet.

Cheryl says I need to write out what I want from a relationship, so here it goes (in no particular order):

Loyalty

Affection

Commitment

Friendship/Companionship

Intimacy

Faith

Fun

Support

Love

Kindness

Thoughtfulness

Understanding

Protection

Depth

To grind gears here, big shout-out to Southwood Math Bowl Team 1 & Team 2, they placed 2^nd & 3^rd in Math Bowl this week!  009 was on Team 2.  I thought he was going to be really upset that they didn’t finish 1^st, but he handled it great.  I was so proud of him for so many reasons.  He didn’t make the cut for Battle of the Books but seems to be OK with it.

Well, I need to get busy, lots to do before my massage, then grocery shopping, going with EE to the winery with Tom & Jill & then out with españa tonight.

Thanks for listening….

June 2009 Flickr Upload - Meramec Caverns

I think I’m almost done with this trip… there’s an outing to the zoo & the science museum & then I think that’s it….  We didn’t make it to a cave in 2010 but we do like them, this is the 3^rd that I’ve been to and about the 5^th the boys have been to…  This one has the notorious distinction of being Jesse James’ hideout….

Full upload here….

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/

Favorites:

Cool billboard…

Fuzzy action shot checking out the cabin….

For some reason, I loved this neon sign…..

Cool stalactites…..

Cavern network – I love these maps!

Curtain room.  They do a really cool light show on the stalactites & stalagmites

 

See the full gallery on Posterous

Thoughts in my head...

Today was another interesting day as P21 decided to not behave most of the morning.  Which initiated a support call with a very nice tech, Greg, from Activant.  Couple of my internal customers have now told me they’d rather work with me than the HHIC.  That kinda blew my mind.  I felt bad, I told one of them “this has been crazy, I haven’t even been able to do MY job the past couple days.  Oh, wait a minute, I guess this is my job!” hope he understood I was just being a dork.  I get too stuck in the box that I’m dispatch & triage that I forget sometimes that I’m also the go-to girl.    Luckily the Hobbit is good too & I think is slowly starting to earn the respect of the field techs.  I know customers are OK with him.  But I imagine it is tough being a guy sometimes in this field, especially young, cause it’s constantly trying to prove yourself.  Sorta like I’ve had to live my life for the past 20 years.

I know, today’s post is not a song title. I wondered how long I would be able to keep it going.  Guess that’s it.  009’s glue finally came off his forehead.  He ended up pulling the rest of the way as it was just flapping in the wind.  The scar is right next to the shovel scar, but looks pretty good, really.  I was proud of him for not hollering & carrying on during the whole thing, he really handled himself well & took very good care of it.  Can’t believe he’s going to be 010 soon.  Course don’t tell him in Base 2 that’s still only 2. hehe  I’m too much of a geek!

So I’ve been doing some thinking on this whole “God doesn’t give you bad situations, just opportunities” thing.  You know, that my divorce was not the cause of God, that he would not want that to happen, but due to the free will of man, it happens.  That somehow, he will take this event in my life & teach me about myself & hopefully from that will blossom good things.  I know this is a really different place than from where I’ve been lately.  So incredibly giddy, happy over this guy.  But maybe it’s all interconnected.  Due to my relationship with X I’ve learned a lot about myself & what I want in life.  That I like alone time, that I like affection, that I want faith, that I am a strong person, I am not boring, I am a good mother, that I have talents to bless others with, that I can be inspiring, I am smart & I am attractive.  All things that have either been taken from me or freely given away by me when the situation presented itself.

X was very happy to give me all the alone time I wanted, probably too much, while inside he stewed because I didn’t do all these romantic things in his head.  Sad thing was, I was doing the same thing.  This taught me that however painful it is (I am so very non-confrontational) you have to communicate.  Period.  He was not very happy to give me affection, it is not his way.  So I’m so not understanding why I was attracted to him other than I was coming down off of a 4-year long horrible relationship, having an affair with a married man, and hoping that maybe this would be the thing to steer me straight.  And being so desperate & needy for someone to see my value. For someone else to validate it to myself because my opinion didn’t carry much weight.  And I let it go too far.  And in trying to save a relationship that probably never should have been in the first place, I gave up so much of myself, even though there wasn’t much left in the first place.  I know I wouldn’t have my two boys if it weren’t for that relationship & for that I will be forever grateful, so it’s not about that.

So here I sit, with this tremendous opportunity to try it again, to make better choices, to try and get the relationship I always wanted.  Not the dork from high school, not the recruiter.  Again, 2 relationships that really never should have been, but were borne out of the need to prove to the world & myself that I was worth something & that “boy is he going to be sorry he let you go” kind of thing.  So I’m sitting on the tail end of 18 months trying to sort out all sorts of stuff.  Near the top of the list, the wrestler. Looking back now, it would have been awful to be with him, he is just so not what I wanted, I was just blinded by the good sex.  It’s been a year since I’ve really had much to do with him either. And I wouldn’t call it a relationship, he just wanted a hookup every now & then & it is so obvious to see that now.  Just wish he could have been as honest with me as I was with him.  Other than the sex, I never really enjoyed being with him, it always felt uncomfortable & awkward.  Maybe I should have listened to my gut more.

So here I am starting to get involved with EE, making some tentative plans for this spring & summer.  And I want make sure I make the right choices, make sure it’s really the direction I want to go.  We’ve led similar relationship lives & that I think is good & bad.  Are we going to be OK enough with our own neuroses in someone else that we can see it, understand it & deal with it?  I think we differ a bit on the faith issue.  Am I going to be OK with that, or am I going to allow myself to be blinded by everything else?  And if I’m aware of it & it’s a conscious choice, is it OK then?  I’m trying so hard to be completely honest, transparent, open & straightforward with him.  Hide nothing.  Everything I’ve been through has made me, me.  If he really wants to know me, he’s got to know that stuff too.  I even told him yesterday over lunch that BR7 had asked me out & that I had turned him down because I didn’t think it would be appropriate since I was seeing him.  The Hobbit first of all freaked out over how I turned down BR7 but my point was I want to be clear & not lead the guy on.  And I wanted to be clear to EE, listen this happened & this is how I handled it.  It was hard & I was nervous but he seemed to be OK with it.

So much of my life I’ve just allowed to happen to me (Cheryl says this has a lot to do with what happened to me as a kid) & I know he’s been in that boat too, but probably not for the same reasons.  I want to be more intentional & I’ve told him that.  I think he is in that place too.  He’s been single for a very long time & I know it has mostly been from choice, and time sorta got away from him.

He mentioned Saturday night that he really, really liked me.  Yea.  I really, really like him too.  And find myself holding back, being terrified of some of the feelings & thoughts in my head.  He asked if he could see me again.  I think he was half joking, but “yea, it would be my pleasure”.  He said he felt like he was in high school again.  I think I get that.  I’ve been riding high for the past almost 30 days.  But I really just don’t know how to do all of this anymore.  I’m not into games, I’m not into being coy, I’m not into “oh don’t call him, make him call you, make him wonder what’s going on” sort of thing.  I just want something sweet, simple & honest.  He is extremely affectionate (to the point that he said he was a bit embarrassed to introduce me to the kids so quick – get that one too.  Like somehow you’re not a human if you’re a parent), and I absolutely love it.  He has this soft smile that he does whenever he first sees me.  It melts my heart.  He hates keeping me up late cause he knows I have to get up early.  I hate having him wake up in the middle of the night to have lunch with me.  He can’t wait to take me out on the bike.  Me neither.  He makes me laugh, I love to listen to him talk, it’s like brain frakking & is so incredibly a turn on.  I like the fact that he seems emotionally stable & aware of where he is & where he wants to be.  That he’s completely able to take care of himself.  That he gives so much to his family.  He still talks to his mom nearly every day.  That he has a warm & caring heart.

He said he keeps looking for something bad (about me and/or us being together) and just can’t find anything.  You know, I do that to.  Weird.

OK, if I’m going to call him tonight, which I want to do, I need to stop rambling & get going!

Think I'm going out of my head...

Can I please think of something else, please….?  Oh, no wait that’s right, I don’t really want to…!

Had a really nice lunch with EE down at Aztecas & got to listen to him talk techie to me…  It was awesome!

Last phone interview, I think he’s the last.  I think HHIC has got it narrowed down to who he wants to move on.  Maybe some relief soon.  P21 was not behaving today, most of my day was spent elbow deep in printing issues & solving pick tickets that didn’t print & who they belonged to.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually get to do triage.  Luckily Hobbit was more than capable of taking care of stuff.

Drowning under a mountain of laundry, but the leftover steak made really good rice/vegetable stir fry.  YUMMY!  Even 007 cleaned his plate tonight.

Think I’m gonna go give him a call then off to bed… what am I going to do when he heads to Michigan for 2 weekends?!?!

(Shook me) all night long...

Yea, one of my favorite songs of theirs…

So yesterday españa & I went to the funeral.  I know, American custom says go to the viewing but Spanish custom you go to the funeral. It was weird, but I told her I would be an honorary espanish girl that day for her. And she had some very exciting news that I can’t share but I’m so happy for her!  After, I went to the grocery store & then headed straight over to EE’s house.  I was hoping to catch him still in bed sleeping, but he had already gotten up.  He had steak & shrimp to cook for supper.  It looked super yummy!  But then, so did he.  And he so was.  It felt like it had been a year since I had seen him & kissed him, but really only just 3 days. Really?  Seemed longer.  We tried to cook, but we were turning up the wrong heat…So we just went back to his bed for a bit to cuddle & kiss & talk.

And somehow, it started getting really warm in there.  The feeling of his skin on mine, his hands everywhere, his kisses, were all driving me wild.  And I still so don’t get how he’s got so much self-control.  And it makes me think what it would take to make him completely loose it.  Mean, I know.  He tells me we’ll take things at my pace.  Geez, I wish I knew what that was.  We talk about old relationships & what went wrong & what we liked/didn’t like.  I finally told him I’d been married twice.  I so hope that wasn’t a turn off.  He’s only been once.  But I know he lived with someone for a bit.  It’s kinda the same, right?  We also talk about our kids & how it’s weird to date as an adult with kids, especially his being old enough to know what’s going on.  And how he really wanted to just wake them up last weekend to the sound of the headboard banging on the wall.  That would have been fun, and maybe just a bit inappropriate.  He was a bit nervous about all of them meeting me last weekend like “geez, dad, you’ve known her how long now, and like really?” and I said “you never know, they may be like “yea, dad, score!  Hot chick!””

XXX alert – don’t’ read any further if it’s going to get to you….

The making out is getting pretty hot & heavy & I’m a bit miffed at myself for not bring a spare pair of panties.  And I just can’t resist this guy.  Last week he gave me an O that was amazing & I felt pretty guilty for not returning the favor.  A bit selfish, you know?  So I get his pants off of him, and start kissing & licking my way down.  And I tease him for a bit, licking & sucking everywhere BUT there.  I take him into my mouth & he just goes instantaneously hard.  And oh wow, if I don’t just absolutely love the way he tastes!

We did end up getting the shrimp cooked, and we had some of that.  With a glass of wine.  I am on cloud 9 at this point!  Without the wine.  He ended up having the night off, they closed the plant for 1 shift due to a fire in a supplier’s plant.  So….I invited him over to my place after the boys were in bed.  He brought the steaks & a grill & we had them here.  I sketched while he cooked.  It was fun.  More wine.  007 had night terror issues, I’m sure due to falling asleep during the movie (cloudy with a chance of meatballs) it seems to do that to him, like he doesn’t know where he is or something.  So that made it interesting, but he was very patient & understanding of me needing to take care of the little guy.  Which I did.  They come first.

Then we just sat & talked on the couch with our wine.  And well, more kissing.  I can’t stop kissing this man.  It is addictive, the things it does to my body.  We talk more about past lives.  I tell him I don’t want to hide any of it.  It may be colored & checkered & spotted, but it is mine & it made me who I am.  I’ve tried hiding it before, it just doesn’t work.  I told him I didn’t want him to ever feel like he couldn’t about his.  That I understood he had a life before me.  And I want to know about it.  He said his last girlfriend (many years ago) didn’t like his kids or his ex & all of that had to stay separate.  I think that is crazy.  First of all, not sure how you could NOT like those kids, and second, how in the world could you ever ask someone (outright or otherwise) to choose between you & their kids.  Never going to happen from me, buddy.

It was 2 am before he left.  And I didn’t really want him to go, but he couldn’t really come up to bed with me either.  First of all, it breaks a rule when the boys are here, second 007 was in it.  But I soooo wanted him there.  And now I’m not going to get to see him until Wednesday and it is killing me & he works again next weekend so he can get 2 off in a row to take care of stuff up north.  Bah! This is a whole heck of a lot harder than I thought it would be.

It was so sweet he said “I really like you so much”.  Ditto dude.

This AM I was next to dead! Between the no sleep & the bottle of wine, I didn’t get around very quick & then I remembered I was supposed to sing today!  YIKES!  Luckily, I felt better after getting an apple in my belly & a short nap.  Singing was wonderful, one of my favorite songs we’ve been working on “the gift of love”.

And now, I think I’m going to go out & watch some TV with the boys & have a glass of wine before going to bed.

Relax ....

Ok, OK, I know totally absurd video…..  but it’s what I’m trying to be with whole thing… relaxed & casual…even if he drives me crazy.  How can one person occupy so many clock cycles in my brain?  I mean honestly!  We talk in some form every day, which I’ve really grown to enjoy.  In fact, if there’s not a message waiting for me when I get into work & logged in, I’m totally bummed.  I know, it’s not fair, I know he’s busy most nights.

Wednesday we had lunch down at Market Street again. It had been a fairly stressful day (OK, all week has been honestly!  To the point of me snapping at some of my guys & then feeling like total sh*t for doing it later.  They are good guys just trying to get their job done, they don’t need that from me!).  So anyway, we just sat & talked, he listened & totally understood as he’s dealing with similar issues.  But I’m just amazed that I’m sitting across the table with him, there with him, that he would choose me out of the 9 billion other women.  And I’m nervous & scared & excited & horny & all these things & it’s driving me crazy to just be close to him.  Every nerve ending is like so dialed into the fact that he’s within 2 feet of me.  Good grief, don’t come closer, I can’t be held responsible for what might happen.  When he picked me up I kissed him as soon as we got in the car & I really was thinking it would be a lot more fun to go someplace other than an eating establishment.  I mean, I live like 10 minutes away, how more convenient can it be?  And yes, it’s possible ,did that with the wrestler a couple of times.  Ah, don’t get me started on him!

He’s massaging my right hand & it feels so good & I’m so relaxed & I just so want to take him home & have my way with him but then we’re there too late, so he’s got to scoot me back to work.  I can’t believe it’s over already & I barely get a decent, get me all wet, kind of kiss.  I mean, come on, it’s been like 3 days at this point, and I need a hit.  BAD.

I had emailed him Tuesday night talking about some of my issues with sex & how I get too attached & that’s a problem & I’m trying to be cautious, etc.  And how it’s not that I don’t like sex, I LOVE it, but I just have to be really careful because my heart gets in the way.  I know some of you would say I’m being too honest too soon, but I don’t know how else to be.  And he said that he’s got similar issues.  Huh, cool. At least we both understand what it’s like.  In some ways he is such a mystery to me.  So much very different from all the other men I’ve ever known out there who are such not nice people.  Big would say dogs, pigs, whatever.

And then everyone’s got to give me grief because he’s like the same age as their dad.  Whatever.  At least I’m finally being respected for the person that I am.  In fact, he said he was as attracted to my brain as my “hot” body.  Not sure I’m really all that hot, but I can pretend.  The more I’m with him the more I’m attracted to him.  I sooo can’t explain it.  I’ve gone out with people not that much older than his kids.  Ouch!

Friend of mine’s dad died this week, so Saturday I’ll be at the funeral.  So dad’s going to take the boys.  Which leaves me a couple hours afterwards because of all the plans he’s got with them.  So guess where I’m going?! Yup, over to his house for a couple hours before I need to be home.  It will be good, it will be that 3 day mark.  But I already am in DTs.  Is that awful that I would plan something like that after a funeral & on the same weekend that I have my boys?  I feel guilty.  And I feel guilty for texting all through choir practice, but it was a lot of fun.

He’s already told me he’s not going anywhere so to just let him know when I’ve got time to see him.  I told him the same for me.  I don’t want it to be that I have to re-arrange my entire life to see him but if the opportunity comes up, well, that is different.  Plus, I still can’t believe he’ll get up like 3 hours early to see me for lunch.  That would be like me getting up at 0130.  Probably not going to happen if you know me very well.

Had a very nice Robertson Rose tonight while paying the bills.  And I have money left over for groceries & fun things & even after paying T&J back for last weekend.  On my small week.  I was pretty stoked about that.  3 weeks in a row of paying off/not having anything on the credit card.  And my emergency fund is finally at the minimum.  Well the one here, I have another one off-site.  It’s about half. 

The wine is really hitting me.  Or maybe it’s the crazy sex thoughts I keep having.  What is with that!?  Why can I not get this man out of my head? I mean HONESTLY!  This is insanely crazy.  I’m a danger behind the wheel!

He is all the good parts of the recruiter. Touchy, attentive, good sense of humor & none of the bad…inappropriate public touching, bad table manners, educational level/ability to understand what I do, insincere compliments, smothering attention. But I miss him sometimes.  I miss seeing his boots by my door & his ACU jacket hanging on my chair.  I miss his foot rubs & cuddling. But he is in Florida now & has a new girlfriend & I hope he is able to find the happiness he seeks.

It’s late, I’ve written a lot & I want to send a “nice” little message to EE so he has something to smile at while reading his email in about 20 minutes. Good night!