Relax ....

Ok, OK, I know totally absurd video…..  but it’s what I’m trying to be with whole thing… relaxed & casual…even if he drives me crazy.  How can one person occupy so many clock cycles in my brain?  I mean honestly!  We talk in some form every day, which I’ve really grown to enjoy.  In fact, if there’s not a message waiting for me when I get into work & logged in, I’m totally bummed.  I know, it’s not fair, I know he’s busy most nights.

Wednesday we had lunch down at Market Street again. It had been a fairly stressful day (OK, all week has been honestly!  To the point of me snapping at some of my guys & then feeling like total sh*t for doing it later.  They are good guys just trying to get their job done, they don’t need that from me!).  So anyway, we just sat & talked, he listened & totally understood as he’s dealing with similar issues.  But I’m just amazed that I’m sitting across the table with him, there with him, that he would choose me out of the 9 billion other women.  And I’m nervous & scared & excited & horny & all these things & it’s driving me crazy to just be close to him.  Every nerve ending is like so dialed into the fact that he’s within 2 feet of me.  Good grief, don’t come closer, I can’t be held responsible for what might happen.  When he picked me up I kissed him as soon as we got in the car & I really was thinking it would be a lot more fun to go someplace other than an eating establishment.  I mean, I live like 10 minutes away, how more convenient can it be?  And yes, it’s possible ,did that with the wrestler a couple of times.  Ah, don’t get me started on him!

He’s massaging my right hand & it feels so good & I’m so relaxed & I just so want to take him home & have my way with him but then we’re there too late, so he’s got to scoot me back to work.  I can’t believe it’s over already & I barely get a decent, get me all wet, kind of kiss.  I mean, come on, it’s been like 3 days at this point, and I need a hit.  BAD.

I had emailed him Tuesday night talking about some of my issues with sex & how I get too attached & that’s a problem & I’m trying to be cautious, etc.  And how it’s not that I don’t like sex, I LOVE it, but I just have to be really careful because my heart gets in the way.  I know some of you would say I’m being too honest too soon, but I don’t know how else to be.  And he said that he’s got similar issues.  Huh, cool. At least we both understand what it’s like.  In some ways he is such a mystery to me.  So much very different from all the other men I’ve ever known out there who are such not nice people.  Big would say dogs, pigs, whatever.

And then everyone’s got to give me grief because he’s like the same age as their dad.  Whatever.  At least I’m finally being respected for the person that I am.  In fact, he said he was as attracted to my brain as my “hot” body.  Not sure I’m really all that hot, but I can pretend.  The more I’m with him the more I’m attracted to him.  I sooo can’t explain it.  I’ve gone out with people not that much older than his kids.  Ouch!

Friend of mine’s dad died this week, so Saturday I’ll be at the funeral.  So dad’s going to take the boys.  Which leaves me a couple hours afterwards because of all the plans he’s got with them.  So guess where I’m going?! Yup, over to his house for a couple hours before I need to be home.  It will be good, it will be that 3 day mark.  But I already am in DTs.  Is that awful that I would plan something like that after a funeral & on the same weekend that I have my boys?  I feel guilty.  And I feel guilty for texting all through choir practice, but it was a lot of fun.

He’s already told me he’s not going anywhere so to just let him know when I’ve got time to see him.  I told him the same for me.  I don’t want it to be that I have to re-arrange my entire life to see him but if the opportunity comes up, well, that is different.  Plus, I still can’t believe he’ll get up like 3 hours early to see me for lunch.  That would be like me getting up at 0130.  Probably not going to happen if you know me very well.

Had a very nice Robertson Rose tonight while paying the bills.  And I have money left over for groceries & fun things & even after paying T&J back for last weekend.  On my small week.  I was pretty stoked about that.  3 weeks in a row of paying off/not having anything on the credit card.  And my emergency fund is finally at the minimum.  Well the one here, I have another one off-site.  It’s about half. 

The wine is really hitting me.  Or maybe it’s the crazy sex thoughts I keep having.  What is with that!?  Why can I not get this man out of my head? I mean HONESTLY!  This is insanely crazy.  I’m a danger behind the wheel!

He is all the good parts of the recruiter. Touchy, attentive, good sense of humor & none of the bad…inappropriate public touching, bad table manners, educational level/ability to understand what I do, insincere compliments, smothering attention. But I miss him sometimes.  I miss seeing his boots by my door & his ACU jacket hanging on my chair.  I miss his foot rubs & cuddling. But he is in Florida now & has a new girlfriend & I hope he is able to find the happiness he seeks.

It’s late, I’ve written a lot & I want to send a “nice” little message to EE so he has something to smile at while reading his email in about 20 minutes. Good night!