| “When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. ” |
| Patrick Overton - Author, poet, teacher |
This came in my quote for the day email. I find myself at the edge of the light once again. Yesterday was such a blur of a day for me. I had been having some pain in my female parts starting earlier this week (like Monday/Tuesday) and thought I should probably have it checked out. I no longer see my beloved gynecologist down in Carmel. Oh how I miss her & even her partners. It has been 2 years, so I thought I’d try to find one up here. When I took 009 to get his head fixed, they gave me a list of doctors in the area, so I called the one that was on there. Dr. P was not available but Dr. C was. So I had an appointment yesterday with him. I cannot even begin to tell you how awful of an experience this was for me. First off, let me start by saying being examined by a male doctor down there is panic attack material for me. I didn’t know he was going to be a he. I’m about to bolt at this point, but I really need to get this checked out & get an annual so I go ahead. I don’t like his bedside manner, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to the wall (in other words, very little eye contact) and he treats me like a child. He’s around 65, so I suppose he could have children my age, but that’s not the point. He asks some very pointed questions about my sex life and the room is starting to spin. I told him I haven’t been active in months but he’s not believing it. I can see it in his face.
So we get to the “scoot forward & stick your feet in the stirrups” part and he checks out where it is sore. He immediately whips out to the side so he can see me & really starts asking questions. “What do you mean you’ve not had sex, I’m going to be more direct here, oral, manual or penile penetration?” “Oral once, manual once, nothing else”. And I can tell he doesn’t believe me. But it is true. And now I’m freaking out & I’m sweating & I just want to jump off the thing & get dressed & flee. “Well, I’ve been doing this for 35 years, and I’ve got to tell you I could diagnose correctly what you have visually 80% of the time and I don’t really think you could get it that way, but…” And he says the H word. WTF! Are you kidding me? I’m reeling, about to vomit & am sooooo embarrassed. I’ve always tried to be so careful (yes, I’m a very promiscuous person, or at least I have been in my past, I’ve been trying to change that) so I just don’t get it.
He decides that he will take a sample to grow a culture. So he takes a thing that looks like a toothbrush and starts abrading my vulva. I went from “this is slightly uncomfortable” to wanting to put a bullet in his head. Then he inserts the speculum (after he’s tried to distract me by how “cool” it is because it’s acrylic & a light inside of it & all that). And does the pap. With a plastic swizzle stick looking thing that has an upside down plastic umbrella shaped tip that he twirls over my cervix. And that is painful too. I have scar tissue up in there thank you very much! He gets done & asks if I have any questions.
I want to know like how long I could have had this before getting the breakouts & he said max 7 days (which is not true as I did a lot of research last night). In fact this could have been lying dormant in my nervous system for years & it just now decided to pop out. Like shingles. In fact they are related. At this point I’m not very inclined to believe him or anything he says. He says 2/3 of the adult male population is a carrier. First off, only 20% of the entire population has it, most people don’t know it & women are way more susceptible to it than men. I don’t like him after the way he treated me & I don’t like his scare tactics! He did not talk about viral treatments, prevention, support, anything, just dropped this bomb on me & “oh, have a nice day”. F*CK you dude!
When I got up to get dressed, I noticed the speculum is all bloody too. He gave me a pad & said “yea, I did make you bleed”. No sorry, just “do you want a tampon or a pad”. Hum, think I’ll pick pad as you just used a bottlebrush up my vajajay! Seriously??!?! I feel completely violated & abused & betrayed.
Now I have to wait until Monday to see if the culture grows positive or negative. While I would like to get a second opinion, the cultures usually don’t lie. But if it is positive I’ll be picking someone else to treat me. He’s not getting any more of my money.
And now I have this other little matter of just starting a relationship with the most incredible, ever in my life, man. If it’s positive, how the heck do I tell him? If it’s positive, my sex life changes forever. I’ve never gotten to feel this man inside me & it’s all I dream about. He is never going to want to stay with me after he learns. I’m beyond damaged goods at this point. I’m toxic. JB says “don’t be silly, he cares about you too much to do that. Why would God put this person in your life just to have them leave you?” Because that’s what happens to me, because of free will, because most people just can’t take it.
I don’t remember much about work the rest of the afternoon, issues with P21 & server rebuilds & trying to close out/schedule old tickets. I got the boys to Kokomo OK & got some new rugs for the mudroom at Target. Then I drove to EE’s house because he had asked me out to dinner. I get there & he fixes me a cocktail (amaretto & coke – thanks Alyson!) except he’s only got pepsi, what is with you Michigan people!?! But it tastes good. We sit & talk for about an hour. I tell him part of what happened at the gynecologist. He was sweet & just listened & held me. We went out to the Mill in Marion. Wonderful filet & salad. The view was awesome too (it is on the river & they have a little “dam” like thing in the river to make water noise). We talked about everything & nothing. He was wearing his contacts again, so I’ve got an amazing view of his eyes. We leave about 9:45 so he can get home & change & get to work. We don’t make it out of the laundry room for a while as I help him out of his shirt. He’s got the most amazing arms, ever! We do make it back to his bedroom where I help him out of his pants, he takes my shirts & bra off and the feel of his skin is indescribable. We are both so incredibly horny, but no, we do not. Although I got a bit of fun in with him ;) We lay there on his giant bed for a bit & talk. We want to have sex, I’m worried about the complications & say “yea, we do that & I get all attached & then you leave & break my heart. I’m not sure I can stand it.” He said “I was thinking the same thing about you…” Geez, really?! Told him I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. He said he didn’t think there was anything I could do to disappoint him & make him run. OK, in light of everything else, I’m about to panic. He finally gets dressed, gets his lunch packed, and we’re standing there in his kitchen. Next to each other. I’ve got my hand on his cheek & neck, he’s got his on the small of my back, pressing me to him & gazing into each other’s eyes. I’m not sure yet what I saw there but it made me scared & nervous & very excited. All of a sudden I can’t think of life without this man & I’m on the verge of losing him.
Do I always fall this hard for guys this fast? This feels different from the first ex, the X, the wrestler, the recruiter, the singer and the geek. Feels the same as the fireman & the mechanic. I’m not sure I know what that means just yet.
Cheryl says I need to write out what I want from a relationship, so here it goes (in no particular order):
Loyalty
Affection
Commitment
Friendship/Companionship
Intimacy
Faith
Fun
Support
Love
Kindness
Thoughtfulness
Understanding
Protection
Depth
To grind gears here, big shout-out to Southwood Math Bowl Team 1 & Team 2, they placed 2nd & 3rd in Math Bowl this week! 009 was on Team 2. I thought he was going to be really upset that they didn’t finish 1st, but he handled it great. I was so proud of him for so many reasons. He didn’t make the cut for Battle of the Books but seems to be OK with it.
Well, I need to get busy, lots to do before my massage, then grocery shopping, going with EE to the winery with Tom & Jill & then out with españa tonight.
Thanks for listening….
No comments:
Post a Comment