Today was another interesting day as P21 decided to not behave most of the morning. Which initiated a support call with a very nice tech, Greg, from Activant. Couple of my internal customers have now told me they’d rather work with me than the HHIC. That kinda blew my mind. I felt bad, I told one of them “this has been crazy, I haven’t even been able to do MY job the past couple days. Oh, wait a minute, I guess this is my job!” hope he understood I was just being a dork. I get too stuck in the box that I’m dispatch & triage that I forget sometimes that I’m also the go-to girl. Luckily the Hobbit is good too & I think is slowly starting to earn the respect of the field techs. I know customers are OK with him. But I imagine it is tough being a guy sometimes in this field, especially young, cause it’s constantly trying to prove yourself. Sorta like I’ve had to live my life for the past 20 years.
I know, today’s post is not a song title. I wondered how long I would be able to keep it going. Guess that’s it. 009’s glue finally came off his forehead. He ended up pulling the rest of the way as it was just flapping in the wind. The scar is right next to the shovel scar, but looks pretty good, really. I was proud of him for not hollering & carrying on during the whole thing, he really handled himself well & took very good care of it. Can’t believe he’s going to be 010 soon. Course don’t tell him in Base 2 that’s still only 2. hehe I’m too much of a geek!
So I’ve been doing some thinking on this whole “God doesn’t give you bad situations, just opportunities” thing. You know, that my divorce was not the cause of God, that he would not want that to happen, but due to the free will of man, it happens. That somehow, he will take this event in my life & teach me about myself & hopefully from that will blossom good things. I know this is a really different place than from where I’ve been lately. So incredibly giddy, happy over this guy. But maybe it’s all interconnected. Due to my relationship with X I’ve learned a lot about myself & what I want in life. That I like alone time, that I like affection, that I want faith, that I am a strong person, I am not boring, I am a good mother, that I have talents to bless others with, that I can be inspiring, I am smart & I am attractive. All things that have either been taken from me or freely given away by me when the situation presented itself.
X was very happy to give me all the alone time I wanted, probably too much, while inside he stewed because I didn’t do all these romantic things in his head. Sad thing was, I was doing the same thing. This taught me that however painful it is (I am so very non-confrontational) you have to communicate. Period. He was not very happy to give me affection, it is not his way. So I’m so not understanding why I was attracted to him other than I was coming down off of a 4-year long horrible relationship, having an affair with a married man, and hoping that maybe this would be the thing to steer me straight. And being so desperate & needy for someone to see my value. For someone else to validate it to myself because my opinion didn’t carry much weight. And I let it go too far. And in trying to save a relationship that probably never should have been in the first place, I gave up so much of myself, even though there wasn’t much left in the first place. I know I wouldn’t have my two boys if it weren’t for that relationship & for that I will be forever grateful, so it’s not about that.
So here I sit, with this tremendous opportunity to try it again, to make better choices, to try and get the relationship I always wanted. Not the dork from high school, not the recruiter. Again, 2 relationships that really never should have been, but were borne out of the need to prove to the world & myself that I was worth something & that “boy is he going to be sorry he let you go” kind of thing. So I’m sitting on the tail end of 18 months trying to sort out all sorts of stuff. Near the top of the list, the wrestler. Looking back now, it would have been awful to be with him, he is just so not what I wanted, I was just blinded by the good sex. It’s been a year since I’ve really had much to do with him either. And I wouldn’t call it a relationship, he just wanted a hookup every now & then & it is so obvious to see that now. Just wish he could have been as honest with me as I was with him. Other than the sex, I never really enjoyed being with him, it always felt uncomfortable & awkward. Maybe I should have listened to my gut more.
So here I am starting to get involved with EE, making some tentative plans for this spring & summer. And I want make sure I make the right choices, make sure it’s really the direction I want to go. We’ve led similar relationship lives & that I think is good & bad. Are we going to be OK enough with our own neuroses in someone else that we can see it, understand it & deal with it? I think we differ a bit on the faith issue. Am I going to be OK with that, or am I going to allow myself to be blinded by everything else? And if I’m aware of it & it’s a conscious choice, is it OK then? I’m trying so hard to be completely honest, transparent, open & straightforward with him. Hide nothing. Everything I’ve been through has made me, me. If he really wants to know me, he’s got to know that stuff too. I even told him yesterday over lunch that BR7 had asked me out & that I had turned him down because I didn’t think it would be appropriate since I was seeing him. The Hobbit first of all freaked out over how I turned down BR7 but my point was I want to be clear & not lead the guy on. And I wanted to be clear to EE, listen this happened & this is how I handled it. It was hard & I was nervous but he seemed to be OK with it.
So much of my life I’ve just allowed to happen to me (Cheryl says this has a lot to do with what happened to me as a kid) & I know he’s been in that boat too, but probably not for the same reasons. I want to be more intentional & I’ve told him that. I think he is in that place too. He’s been single for a very long time & I know it has mostly been from choice, and time sorta got away from him.
He mentioned Saturday night that he really, really liked me. Yea. I really, really like him too. And find myself holding back, being terrified of some of the feelings & thoughts in my head. He asked if he could see me again. I think he was half joking, but “yea, it would be my pleasure”. He said he felt like he was in high school again. I think I get that. I’ve been riding high for the past almost 30 days. But I really just don’t know how to do all of this anymore. I’m not into games, I’m not into being coy, I’m not into “oh don’t call him, make him call you, make him wonder what’s going on” sort of thing. I just want something sweet, simple & honest. He is extremely affectionate (to the point that he said he was a bit embarrassed to introduce me to the kids so quick – get that one too. Like somehow you’re not a human if you’re a parent), and I absolutely love it. He has this soft smile that he does whenever he first sees me. It melts my heart. He hates keeping me up late cause he knows I have to get up early. I hate having him wake up in the middle of the night to have lunch with me. He can’t wait to take me out on the bike. Me neither. He makes me laugh, I love to listen to him talk, it’s like brain frakking & is so incredibly a turn on. I like the fact that he seems emotionally stable & aware of where he is & where he wants to be. That he’s completely able to take care of himself. That he gives so much to his family. He still talks to his mom nearly every day. That he has a warm & caring heart.
He said he keeps looking for something bad (about me and/or us being together) and just can’t find anything. You know, I do that to. Weird.
OK, if I’m going to call him tonight, which I want to do, I need to stop rambling & get going!
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