First off, I love this man’s voice & he can really tinkle the ivories too… but maybe not as much as I like a certain soft-spoken electrical engineer turned pilot’s voice. Especially when it is nestled right in my ear. And there is a part of me that is so embarrassed by how girly I feel about all of this.
I’ve been reading a lot in my Wounded Heart (Dan Allender http://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Heart-Victims-Childhood-Sexual/dp/1600063071/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1300237701&sr=1-1 and tonight some things that really struck me was how there is death of hope. That you have to let it die or else you risk being betrayed time & time again in relationships. And I think about all of my failed relationships (more than I can even remember really, not even counting the one night stand type) and how I’ve just always tried to find love in all the wrong places. And that it truly is all that I’ve been looking for. But then because of the pain & betrayal, not being able to make good choices & setting myself up right back into the type of relationship that just delivers more & more betrayal. That I have lived my whole life thinking that the very 1 thing I’ve always wanted doesn’t really exist. Because that was the only way I could deal with the pain of never having it. Because it was safer, easier, less painful to just pretend it didn’t exist, than to think that maybe it just didn’t exist for me.
And how victims will either turn extremely cynical or become almost childlike in their blind trust. And I realize I was the blind trust type, who didn’t really trust. I swore there were always bad motives behind every good action, but yet just wanting to trust someone, anyone that I was willing to ignore it. How you become so good at ignoring your instincts & gut feelings. I don’t even know how to listen to them anymore, let alone interpret what they mean.
And so here I sit. The chance to have a normal, happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects me & values me as a person. Something I’m just starting to do myself. And understand why I don’t and how that has impacted me both professionally & personally. It’s like I finally got the code book to understand myself. It’s overwhelming.
He is absolutely amazing & I fear I’m just doing the same thing all over again. Blindly trusting someone that I really shouldn’t be. But I don’t have any of the weird feelings that I did with those in the past & I’m hoping that is a good sign. Plus Jilly Bean just really loves him & thinks we just so fit. That we are a good match. So I try to use her feelings and words to help support mine, that mine are right. She’d tell me if he wasn’t good for me.
But because of what I think about all the time it really scares me. My mind sometimes gets stuck in 6th gear….
He came over last night for a bit before going to work. It was so good to see him. And then we went to lunch at Market Street again. And he told me a lot about the trip & the plane & I’m so excited for him, it’s going to be so much fun & so good for him. They will practice formations & then he’ll also get a vacation. You can check out some of the past events here…
http://www.georgebakeraviation.com/T-34%20Fly-in.htm He’s mostly in the 2006 & 2009 sets…
He’s 319 and here…
http://www.t-34.com/images/photos_planes.htm (same plane, with his partner, Tom, which is where they store the plane during the winter)
And now he’s probably going to have to leave a day early to skirt all the rain & I’m totally bummed. Getting ready to call him & hope that it helps ease my heartache…
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