Sitting here in the good ole Honeywell center waiting for the keynote to start, it’s dr. townsend, from the boundary books, cool! Oh, and some really good news that I’m trying to not let matter to me, more on that later….
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
not for the faint at heart
Ok, those of you who really know me (and you know who you are) know that I have, well, bathroom issues. Like, I don’t want anyone in there when I’m doing my business. Don’t want to be in there when someone else is doing their business (and no, shower curtains do NOT allow for full privacy & general not knowing what you’re doing over there level 10 forcefields sort of thing, ok? OK!) nor do I really even like to TOUCH the toilet. It should be surrounded in its own hazmat gear. No, I don’t like rubber gloves either. But that is another post. You could even say I have theflusherphobia. But, being the only responsible adult, well, actually the only adult, in my house, it is my job to scrub it. Every week. Yuck. Well, I made an interesting discovery this morning and I have to share it with you. First off, let me preface all of this by saying I do scrub it every week, it is a clean toilet. However, living in rural Indiana means sometimes stuff (don’t ask me what it is, I have no idea) gets stuck to the sides of the bowl. Now, I use the scrubbing bubbles flushable things to clean my bowl. Refer to earlier post, I don’t even like toilet brushes hanging around. They, for the most part, do a wonderful job, except for that stuff. Now, I will also say I have long-ish hair now, and since I shed more than an alpaca (ok, I don’t really know if they shed or not) I have to clean out my brushes. A lot. For some reason, I usually just dump the wad of hair into the toilet. I don’t know why I don’t put it in the trash. Maybe cause I get a weird since of satisfaction from watching it go down the drain. Well, anyway, I promise the train’s not getting de-railed, it’s all connected…. This am I cleaned out my brush, it was really bad, and then remembered it was time to clean the bathroom. Well, being the conservator that I am, I didn’t want to flush the hair, then wash the toilet, then flush again. That just wastes water, right? So I scrubbed it with the hair in there. And of course it got in the way. So I just started scrubbing with it. And you want to know what? It scrubbed the stuff off. No kidding! Who would have ever guessed hair would make such a great abrasive?!?! Ok, now I gotta step back into my comfort zone, that was way out there for me. Thanks for helping me with a little bit of my therapy to get over my phobia. Ok, I’m feeling a bit verklempt, go talk amongst yourselves…..
elle
elle
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
tons new photos on flickr!
Hey all, I just got done uploading a ton of “new” pictures to flickr. Mt. olive group – there are some from women’s reatreat… brandy – there are tons of the family, some that will be (I think) very special to you. Thanks all for looking! http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Harry Potter & TCoS Part II
OK, so we watched the Netflix version the other night, worked great! Then the next night we watched angels in the endzone from family video and it worked fine too. But I have to admit, their track record just isn’t all that good, so for the money, I’ll probably be staying with Netflix.
And I must say, it was like watching a completely different movie, we had missed so much! Really like it, good adaptation on the book. We are now about 1/3 way through book 3, so it will be a while.
And I must say, it was like watching a completely different movie, we had missed so much! Really like it, good adaptation on the book. We are now about 1/3 way through book 3, so it will be a while.
awesome song
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Absolutely Amazing Digital Scrapbooks
These are just absolutely tremendous, you need to go check them out! http://www.remembermyservice.com/ If you have a friend or loved one who is or has been in the service, what a wonderful tribute!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
harry potter chamber of secrets round two
Oh Netflix and your beautiful red envelope, you send me dvd’s from my wishlist so very faithfully. I can see this might be the start of a beautiful relationship….. it came today, we are watching it as soon as pokey 006 can get his shower taken (the cattle prodding started 30 minutes ago….) I’ll let you know how the movie turns out… well, not the ending, but if it works…. Off to make poppycorn!
class kits
...are up over on benzillascrapping as well as the sample, go check it out! if you are local and want to take the class, there are still openings for Saturday at 7:00pm. if you are not local and want the kit, their is information there to find out about it! so glad it's done!
Friday, October 23, 2009
ahhh, that's quiet...
Boys are off swimming with grampa for the evening. I think he misses seeing them everyday and of course they love it because he always takes them to DQ when they’re done. Course I do miss them a bit while they are gone….
elle
miscellaneous
isn't that the category it seems like so many things fall into? we don't like things not being categorized, so we come up with a category to catch all that stuff that doesn't fall into any others. we are such little squirrels sometimes storing up our nuts for winter!
first thing, please say a prayer for all the troops who were deployed yesterday. a friend of mine's hubby left for iraq yesterday. they have 2 little girls. also pray for the families who stay here and take care of business every day so that they can go off and do their jobs. and especially, thanks Eric and Shannon for what you do every day, with love and grace. you both are amazing.
second thing, i think the bubonic plague has officially left my little household. 006 went back to school today. he still coughs quite a bit going in and out so i hope he will do ok once he gets in and settles down. since we are having a torrential downpour i don't have to worry about him going out over recess. just hope he remembers to give the teacher his note so he can take his medicine. he can remember to make his bed without being told, but getting notes to the teacher is another thing. my pastor said she used to have the same trouble when she was a kid and her mom would pin them to her coat. not a bad idea...
had coffee with mark at modoc's always so much fun. get to catch up, have a good cup of coffee (and it was free cause i had a full punch card!) and just watch the scenery. and by scenery i mean the guys working on the charley creek inn across the street. hummmm.....
anyway, if you are in wabash, stop by modoc's. one of the best coffee shops ever. hands down. better than starbucks. trust me, i love starbucks, but modocs is even better... prices are better, coffee is better, and the service is well, just down-home! and you can follow them on facebook if you'd like, just search for modoc's market.
i see the eagle's theatre has astro boy playing. think we'll go tomorrow or sunday to see it. they have a weekend matinee at 2pm. i like the eagles for several reasons. first of all, it's an old vaudeville theatre. my dad used to go to it growing up, it was a movie theatre then too. second, they still have the old bulb marquee out front. totally retro. third, they have a balcony. fourth, main floor is $4, balcony is $5, it's cheap. it's local, totally love that. i like supporting local businesses. ok, i know i have a pix somewhere, but can't find it. probably on my external at home. if i find it, i'll post it.
well, i think that is it. going to FISH again to pack. we did 14 families last week. the rain always seems to make less, we'll see about today. then it is off to kroger, and then home to work on class kits before the boys get home. tonight is pizza and movie night. we tried to watch chamber of secrets last night, but neither my dvd player or my laptop would read the disk very well. we missed A LOT of chapters. we were so mad. i got them from our local video store. but i signed up for netflix. this breaks my heart (see my comment about supporting local stuff) but this is not the first movie, in fact almost all the movies we've gotten there skip horribly. i know it is not my drives because my discs work fine.
hope this post finds you well... elle
first thing, please say a prayer for all the troops who were deployed yesterday. a friend of mine's hubby left for iraq yesterday. they have 2 little girls. also pray for the families who stay here and take care of business every day so that they can go off and do their jobs. and especially, thanks Eric and Shannon for what you do every day, with love and grace. you both are amazing.
second thing, i think the bubonic plague has officially left my little household. 006 went back to school today. he still coughs quite a bit going in and out so i hope he will do ok once he gets in and settles down. since we are having a torrential downpour i don't have to worry about him going out over recess. just hope he remembers to give the teacher his note so he can take his medicine. he can remember to make his bed without being told, but getting notes to the teacher is another thing. my pastor said she used to have the same trouble when she was a kid and her mom would pin them to her coat. not a bad idea...
had coffee with mark at modoc's always so much fun. get to catch up, have a good cup of coffee (and it was free cause i had a full punch card!) and just watch the scenery. and by scenery i mean the guys working on the charley creek inn across the street. hummmm.....
anyway, if you are in wabash, stop by modoc's. one of the best coffee shops ever. hands down. better than starbucks. trust me, i love starbucks, but modocs is even better... prices are better, coffee is better, and the service is well, just down-home! and you can follow them on facebook if you'd like, just search for modoc's market.
i see the eagle's theatre has astro boy playing. think we'll go tomorrow or sunday to see it. they have a weekend matinee at 2pm. i like the eagles for several reasons. first of all, it's an old vaudeville theatre. my dad used to go to it growing up, it was a movie theatre then too. second, they still have the old bulb marquee out front. totally retro. third, they have a balcony. fourth, main floor is $4, balcony is $5, it's cheap. it's local, totally love that. i like supporting local businesses. ok, i know i have a pix somewhere, but can't find it. probably on my external at home. if i find it, i'll post it.
well, i think that is it. going to FISH again to pack. we did 14 families last week. the rain always seems to make less, we'll see about today. then it is off to kroger, and then home to work on class kits before the boys get home. tonight is pizza and movie night. we tried to watch chamber of secrets last night, but neither my dvd player or my laptop would read the disk very well. we missed A LOT of chapters. we were so mad. i got them from our local video store. but i signed up for netflix. this breaks my heart (see my comment about supporting local stuff) but this is not the first movie, in fact almost all the movies we've gotten there skip horribly. i know it is not my drives because my discs work fine.
hope this post finds you well... elle
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Repost: Sitting Down (For the Record) : TheWorshipCommunity.Com - Worship Leader Resources, Articles, Forums
OK, obviously this is not mine, but i was just moved by the fact that sometimes we get caught up in the "rules" of worship that sometimes we forget to listen to how the spirit moves us. so kudos to you sarah for listening to that still, small voice & from one mama to another, yea, i get it....
Sitting Down (For the Record) : TheWorshipCommunity.Com - Worship Leader Resources, Articles, Forums
Sitting Down (For the Record) : TheWorshipCommunity.Com - Worship Leader Resources, Articles, Forums
Sunday, October 18, 2009
wild things
so i took the boys to see where the wild things are yesterday after the chili fest. i really love that thing, so does 008. 006 just charms crackers from everyone.
it was such an amazing movie, based on such a good book. of course, since the book is pretty short, they had to take a few creative liberties, but i was ok with that. added to the story, made it more layered, poignant. you get a bit of introspection of what it's like for children of divorced parents. max just looking for someone to defend him. got that, been there buddy. it hurts, to the core. he acts out, trying to get his mom's attention, he doesn't know what else to do. ends up running off to the island where he meets the group.
the group is falling apart because one of the wilds - KW- has run off to be with other friends because (we find out later) she's feeling suffocated and there's too much friction. carol is tearing things (huts) up because he doesn't understand why she doesn't like him (she does) and why she wants to be someplace else. he takes it personally. why does it matter anymore that these are our homes, we're not together anymore? totally get that.
they make max king, they build a fort where only the things you want can be there. but it starts to change & not be what they wanted. wow, so true of life. lots of fissures. max can't hold it all together, he's supposed to make everything ok, but he realizes he can't. and that there are just somethings you cannot fix. he gets homesick and wants to go back. carol goes nuts, tears stuff up. max had left a heart with a c in the middle at carol's special place. he sees it and then understands that max had never stopped loving him. he runs back and gets there just in time to wave goodbye to max.
max goes home & his mom is waiting for him and she falls asleep watching him eat his supper. she's peaceful. so is he.
and i cry. for so many reasons. because bob left me. because he unilaterally made a decision based on his own needs and wants. because that affected 3 other people. he was supposed to love us forever. meatloaf's 2 out of 3 ain't bad just doesn't cut it. i identify so much with carol, we were just all supposed to be together, to sleep in our pile and have only good things in our fort. not outsiders. he just wanted someone to like him and think he's cool and love him and think he was awesome and had good stuff to contribute and find him important in their lives - just like me. just like most people, i reckon.
but here we are 2+ years later since i moved and well, we're still here. i don't think i've been holding out hope that he would ask me back. it's pretty obvious that he doesn't. i'm too old, too fat, too not what he doesn't want. and just like carol, i want to lash out and say what is it all really for anyway? what difference does it make? does it really matter? i mean, i could exercise and loose the 10 pounds. i could go get a tummy tuck, and collagen in my face. i could learn how to belly dance and tell the best jokes, but come the end of the day, it's not going to "win him back" because it comes down to the fact that he.just.doesn't.want.to.be.with.me. nothing is going to change that. and do i really want to be with him? i don't know. i go back and forth. yea, i know, see earlier post that means i don't.
but i had hopes and dreams of us growing old together, raising our kids together, seeing our grandchildren together. and yes, i know we will still do all those things, but it will be together/apart. i never wanted my kids to have step-parents & half-siblings. i'm not sure why he does want them to. now someone else lives the life that i thought was mine. and it hurts. every time i see her or my boys mention her name (they like her, and i guess that's good) it cuts like a knife straight into my heart of hearts.
she's fun & likes to play games with them. i'm boring and make them do their homework. i know it's not a competition, but somehow it is. i want them to choose me, not her. i guess i fear i don't even measure up to my own kids. or even to my own standards.
so that's my twisted look at the movie and how it applies to my life. still waiting for someone to watch me peacefully while i eat supper.
it was such an amazing movie, based on such a good book. of course, since the book is pretty short, they had to take a few creative liberties, but i was ok with that. added to the story, made it more layered, poignant. you get a bit of introspection of what it's like for children of divorced parents. max just looking for someone to defend him. got that, been there buddy. it hurts, to the core. he acts out, trying to get his mom's attention, he doesn't know what else to do. ends up running off to the island where he meets the group.
the group is falling apart because one of the wilds - KW- has run off to be with other friends because (we find out later) she's feeling suffocated and there's too much friction. carol is tearing things (huts) up because he doesn't understand why she doesn't like him (she does) and why she wants to be someplace else. he takes it personally. why does it matter anymore that these are our homes, we're not together anymore? totally get that.
they make max king, they build a fort where only the things you want can be there. but it starts to change & not be what they wanted. wow, so true of life. lots of fissures. max can't hold it all together, he's supposed to make everything ok, but he realizes he can't. and that there are just somethings you cannot fix. he gets homesick and wants to go back. carol goes nuts, tears stuff up. max had left a heart with a c in the middle at carol's special place. he sees it and then understands that max had never stopped loving him. he runs back and gets there just in time to wave goodbye to max.
max goes home & his mom is waiting for him and she falls asleep watching him eat his supper. she's peaceful. so is he.
and i cry. for so many reasons. because bob left me. because he unilaterally made a decision based on his own needs and wants. because that affected 3 other people. he was supposed to love us forever. meatloaf's 2 out of 3 ain't bad just doesn't cut it. i identify so much with carol, we were just all supposed to be together, to sleep in our pile and have only good things in our fort. not outsiders. he just wanted someone to like him and think he's cool and love him and think he was awesome and had good stuff to contribute and find him important in their lives - just like me. just like most people, i reckon.
but here we are 2+ years later since i moved and well, we're still here. i don't think i've been holding out hope that he would ask me back. it's pretty obvious that he doesn't. i'm too old, too fat, too not what he doesn't want. and just like carol, i want to lash out and say what is it all really for anyway? what difference does it make? does it really matter? i mean, i could exercise and loose the 10 pounds. i could go get a tummy tuck, and collagen in my face. i could learn how to belly dance and tell the best jokes, but come the end of the day, it's not going to "win him back" because it comes down to the fact that he.just.doesn't.want.to.be.with.me. nothing is going to change that. and do i really want to be with him? i don't know. i go back and forth. yea, i know, see earlier post that means i don't.
but i had hopes and dreams of us growing old together, raising our kids together, seeing our grandchildren together. and yes, i know we will still do all those things, but it will be together/apart. i never wanted my kids to have step-parents & half-siblings. i'm not sure why he does want them to. now someone else lives the life that i thought was mine. and it hurts. every time i see her or my boys mention her name (they like her, and i guess that's good) it cuts like a knife straight into my heart of hearts.
she's fun & likes to play games with them. i'm boring and make them do their homework. i know it's not a competition, but somehow it is. i want them to choose me, not her. i guess i fear i don't even measure up to my own kids. or even to my own standards.
so that's my twisted look at the movie and how it applies to my life. still waiting for someone to watch me peacefully while i eat supper.
sunday, sundae & sundaze
so today is sunday. going to church day. and we did. i got the picture slide show done, and got there early so i could test it on jim (pastor kay's) laptop. i park the car in the parking lot, usually a good idea. and i notice someone's car there. he who shall not be named's car. oh, i know it, i've made it my job to know it. and all of a sudden i'm tempted to restart the car and just turn it around and not walk in. but i have to walk in. i have to do the presentation. i don't know if she's with him. that will break my heart. what if she is? what if she isn't?
last thursday, i think, i forget the day, he and i spent about 3 hours texting back and forth. maybe it was friday. the boys were in school, so heck it had to be 1 of those 2 days. it was fun, flirty. but makes me think he only wants me for services rendered. i don't offer. he just about asks. he says they are together again, but mostly for the baby. hum. well, i know how well that works out, now don't i. but i don't want to preach or offer advice so i just listen. i ask him if he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. he says he goes back & forth. in my book, that's a no. been there, done that, have more than 1 t-shirt. so that's why i'm wondering if he's flying solo or not.
he's not flying solo. he's got his baby with him, but no her. i was shocked, this is quite the move. he normally doesn't like to do anything to ripple the waters. we talk. i help jim get the slide show going, he has powerpoint so it makes it all that much easier. i can't think, i'm hyperaware of him in the sanctuary. i ask him later if he has anyone to sit with, just mom & dad, but i'm welcome too. so i get the boys. the boys want to know why we're sitting in a different place (they sit all the way up on house left, we usually sit 1/2 way back, house right. isn't it funny how everyone has unassigned, assigned seats?). i tell them i want to sit with my friend.
oh, before i got the boys, he gave me his baby to hold. wow, what an incredible feeling, i love little snuggly babies, he is just the perfect size at 6 weeks. i want to kiss him & love all over him but he's not mine. but he is a baby with super soft hair, lots of hair. i'm trying really hard to just fly loose. he looks a lot like you, xcept he might be cuter! just try to talk & laugh with no strings. no agenda. hard, but i think i succeeded.
it was easier once service started. and then i realized everyone could see us sitting together. what were they thinking? what was he thinking? had this crossed his mind? did he care? his mom turned around and looked at me, winked, then at him. she has informed me she has more than 1 son. yes dear, i know, but i only really want to be with the 1. and why do i so strongly want to be with him? what is it? i have asked this question so many times. the sermon was on god's response to job. not an answer to his question, but a response. i wonder which one i'll get.
why was he there? is god trying to tell me something? i want so much to have a partner who is faith-based. i know he's got it, if he'd just let it out. i always read waaay too much into things. we didn't really talk much after, lots of people were talking to him or his family, but i just couldn't pull my eyes off of him. i not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but i'm pretty sure it's lit up like a neon sign.
i somehow need to let go of all of this. him, my hope & desires to be with him. i've not been able to be with him for 22 years, what makes me think that it's gonna happen now. i don't think he wants it to. i know he'd like it to work out with her. i'm sure that would be better, all things considered. and i want him to be happy. you know, we say that, but it's a really hard thing to truly mean, cause what i'd really like to say is i want him to be happy with me. so how do you let go, bury, put to rest, (give up?)... i don't know. because just when i think i have, something happens and it's like a carrot dangled in front of me.
there are no white knights. no man rescues you, there is no prince when you kiss the frog, very few live happily ever after, and i'm quite certain the number of men who actually mean what they say and take it to heart, take it very seriously, as an oath, a covenant are few and far between. most men, i'm sure just want to take as much as what they can get out of something, have as much fun as possible, and then bail when the going gets rough. at least this has been my experience. i try not to be jaded, i try not to be cynical. but the minute i start being optimistic is the minute i become naive and i get hurt. hurt bad. i'm so tired of hurting because of my own stupidity & that i've put my faith and trust in a person. and i also know there is nothing i can do about it. and i know that i will continue to do the above. i just hope someday it is a person who has earned it.
it is like the garth brooks song (wow, i just learned how to embed video, totally cool!) this has been my motto for so long. i like so many of his songs, the dance, the river... but i won't show them all.
so i'm just wondering what you think i should do. how do i get over it? i'm trying to distract myself by focusing on my boys, the church, working at fish, etc. and it works to an extent. i know in a lot of ways, there is still a lot of healing to be done because of all the other stuff that has happened in my life. i guess i would just like to know that when i get there, there will be someone waiting for me, that i will not grow old alone and forgotten. that i will matter to someone, someone who chose to spend their life with me because they wanted to. not someone who has to because they are family. and i know, don't remind me, the recruiter was more than willing to do that. but honestly, i think he just wanted insto-family because he missed it too. i understand that & am not saying that to be mean. and i know he would have treated me like a princess but there was something missing, something not right. i don't know what is was exactly, but i know it wasn't there. maybe on my part is was the fact that there was not a lack of other people in my heart. that i still had hope for someone else. because i know when you get married, or commit to someone else, there should be a lack of "what about him, or what if..." kinds of things from your heart. you have to be confident that you have made the best choice already and that it is right there in front of you. and i'm not sure i've ever had that. because i've always wondered "what if" about mr. he who shall remain nameless.
it was amazing, awesome & a bit scary to sit next to him in church, but i thanked god that he was there. and that concludes the rather circuitous post today. hope i've not left you too dazed....
i still want to be with him. i don't know how to not want to be.
last thursday, i think, i forget the day, he and i spent about 3 hours texting back and forth. maybe it was friday. the boys were in school, so heck it had to be 1 of those 2 days. it was fun, flirty. but makes me think he only wants me for services rendered. i don't offer. he just about asks. he says they are together again, but mostly for the baby. hum. well, i know how well that works out, now don't i. but i don't want to preach or offer advice so i just listen. i ask him if he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. he says he goes back & forth. in my book, that's a no. been there, done that, have more than 1 t-shirt. so that's why i'm wondering if he's flying solo or not.
he's not flying solo. he's got his baby with him, but no her. i was shocked, this is quite the move. he normally doesn't like to do anything to ripple the waters. we talk. i help jim get the slide show going, he has powerpoint so it makes it all that much easier. i can't think, i'm hyperaware of him in the sanctuary. i ask him later if he has anyone to sit with, just mom & dad, but i'm welcome too. so i get the boys. the boys want to know why we're sitting in a different place (they sit all the way up on house left, we usually sit 1/2 way back, house right. isn't it funny how everyone has unassigned, assigned seats?). i tell them i want to sit with my friend.
oh, before i got the boys, he gave me his baby to hold. wow, what an incredible feeling, i love little snuggly babies, he is just the perfect size at 6 weeks. i want to kiss him & love all over him but he's not mine. but he is a baby with super soft hair, lots of hair. i'm trying really hard to just fly loose. he looks a lot like you, xcept he might be cuter! just try to talk & laugh with no strings. no agenda. hard, but i think i succeeded.
it was easier once service started. and then i realized everyone could see us sitting together. what were they thinking? what was he thinking? had this crossed his mind? did he care? his mom turned around and looked at me, winked, then at him. she has informed me she has more than 1 son. yes dear, i know, but i only really want to be with the 1. and why do i so strongly want to be with him? what is it? i have asked this question so many times. the sermon was on god's response to job. not an answer to his question, but a response. i wonder which one i'll get.
why was he there? is god trying to tell me something? i want so much to have a partner who is faith-based. i know he's got it, if he'd just let it out. i always read waaay too much into things. we didn't really talk much after, lots of people were talking to him or his family, but i just couldn't pull my eyes off of him. i not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but i'm pretty sure it's lit up like a neon sign.
i somehow need to let go of all of this. him, my hope & desires to be with him. i've not been able to be with him for 22 years, what makes me think that it's gonna happen now. i don't think he wants it to. i know he'd like it to work out with her. i'm sure that would be better, all things considered. and i want him to be happy. you know, we say that, but it's a really hard thing to truly mean, cause what i'd really like to say is i want him to be happy with me. so how do you let go, bury, put to rest, (give up?)... i don't know. because just when i think i have, something happens and it's like a carrot dangled in front of me.
there are no white knights. no man rescues you, there is no prince when you kiss the frog, very few live happily ever after, and i'm quite certain the number of men who actually mean what they say and take it to heart, take it very seriously, as an oath, a covenant are few and far between. most men, i'm sure just want to take as much as what they can get out of something, have as much fun as possible, and then bail when the going gets rough. at least this has been my experience. i try not to be jaded, i try not to be cynical. but the minute i start being optimistic is the minute i become naive and i get hurt. hurt bad. i'm so tired of hurting because of my own stupidity & that i've put my faith and trust in a person. and i also know there is nothing i can do about it. and i know that i will continue to do the above. i just hope someday it is a person who has earned it.
it is like the garth brooks song (wow, i just learned how to embed video, totally cool!) this has been my motto for so long. i like so many of his songs, the dance, the river... but i won't show them all.
so i'm just wondering what you think i should do. how do i get over it? i'm trying to distract myself by focusing on my boys, the church, working at fish, etc. and it works to an extent. i know in a lot of ways, there is still a lot of healing to be done because of all the other stuff that has happened in my life. i guess i would just like to know that when i get there, there will be someone waiting for me, that i will not grow old alone and forgotten. that i will matter to someone, someone who chose to spend their life with me because they wanted to. not someone who has to because they are family. and i know, don't remind me, the recruiter was more than willing to do that. but honestly, i think he just wanted insto-family because he missed it too. i understand that & am not saying that to be mean. and i know he would have treated me like a princess but there was something missing, something not right. i don't know what is was exactly, but i know it wasn't there. maybe on my part is was the fact that there was not a lack of other people in my heart. that i still had hope for someone else. because i know when you get married, or commit to someone else, there should be a lack of "what about him, or what if..." kinds of things from your heart. you have to be confident that you have made the best choice already and that it is right there in front of you. and i'm not sure i've ever had that. because i've always wondered "what if" about mr. he who shall remain nameless.
it was amazing, awesome & a bit scary to sit next to him in church, but i thanked god that he was there. and that concludes the rather circuitous post today. hope i've not left you too dazed....
i still want to be with him. i don't know how to not want to be.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
today is brought to you by the color blue...
been blue today. all day. most days. went to see where the wild things are. just so identified with carol's pain. maybe i'll elaborate later....gonna go watch some tv, then go to bed. need to be at church a bit early in the am to test the presentation.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
happy birthday 005!
you are now 006. i remember the day you were born like it were yesterday. we were trying to finish up the bathroom remodel. daddy left grampa bob with very specific instructions that the toilet needed to work when i got back. you and i spent 2 days in the hospital together, just the 2 of us getting to know each other. it was the first time daddy was really alone with ben for a long time and had to take care of him. i think it gave him more of an appreciation of what i did while he traveled.
ben was a c-section. i was so scared you would be too. but you weren't. at the last minute you decided to enter this world. and that set the precedence. you do everything on your own time, your own terms or it just doesn't work. period. you are stubborn & flexible. easy going, demonstrative with your affection. fun loving and personable. you idolize your big brother and miss him when he's gone.
when ben would come to the hospital (a 45 minute drive almost!) he called it the waterfall hospital. he liked it because daddy or grampa jack would buy him skittles. when we brought you home it took about a week, but then he started asking if we could take you back. no buddy, this little guy is here to stay.
being a mom of 2 was pretty rocky for me from the get go. daddy traveled. a lot. i was a single parent a lot (looking back, i guess this was preparation). there was no one really around who offered to help or that i felt i could ask help from. i desperately wanted help but didn't know how to get it. i was overwhelmed, stressed, at the end of my rope and i think postpartum. it is hard to even type about it now, it makes me cry. i did a lot of things wrong. i did a few things right.
i would not trade either one of you for the world. i wish however, that i could have handled it better. my therapist would say i need to cut myself some slack and say that i did the best i could. which i guess i did. forgiving oneself is hard, important, necessary, but hard. and while none of it ended up the way i would have chosen, i would not change marrying daddy and everything i "gave up" to become a mommy. your mommy. the two of you are the biggest blessings of my life. and yes, i wish too that it would have ended up differently. it makes me sad and angry and helpless, as i'm sure it does the 2 of you.
i think i've really grown into being a single mom of 2 crazy, wild, fun, awesome boys. god has really given me the strength and grace i need every day to do it. i've still got a lot to learn, but i'm just so not that person 6 years ago, and for that i am so very thankful.
so it is with bittersweet joy that i wish you a happy birthday this rainy October 15, 2009 my beautiful, beautiful boy. mamma loves you so much.
ben was a c-section. i was so scared you would be too. but you weren't. at the last minute you decided to enter this world. and that set the precedence. you do everything on your own time, your own terms or it just doesn't work. period. you are stubborn & flexible. easy going, demonstrative with your affection. fun loving and personable. you idolize your big brother and miss him when he's gone.
when ben would come to the hospital (a 45 minute drive almost!) he called it the waterfall hospital. he liked it because daddy or grampa jack would buy him skittles. when we brought you home it took about a week, but then he started asking if we could take you back. no buddy, this little guy is here to stay.
being a mom of 2 was pretty rocky for me from the get go. daddy traveled. a lot. i was a single parent a lot (looking back, i guess this was preparation). there was no one really around who offered to help or that i felt i could ask help from. i desperately wanted help but didn't know how to get it. i was overwhelmed, stressed, at the end of my rope and i think postpartum. it is hard to even type about it now, it makes me cry. i did a lot of things wrong. i did a few things right.
i would not trade either one of you for the world. i wish however, that i could have handled it better. my therapist would say i need to cut myself some slack and say that i did the best i could. which i guess i did. forgiving oneself is hard, important, necessary, but hard. and while none of it ended up the way i would have chosen, i would not change marrying daddy and everything i "gave up" to become a mommy. your mommy. the two of you are the biggest blessings of my life. and yes, i wish too that it would have ended up differently. it makes me sad and angry and helpless, as i'm sure it does the 2 of you.
i think i've really grown into being a single mom of 2 crazy, wild, fun, awesome boys. god has really given me the strength and grace i need every day to do it. i've still got a lot to learn, but i'm just so not that person 6 years ago, and for that i am so very thankful.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
long time coming
wow, i can't believe i've gone week without posting something.... let's see what's going on....
i've got a class scheduled for 10/31, if you're local, it's at my house, $15. I'm going to do a gratitude journal & it will include some stuff i found in my parents' attic as well as some of my own product. If you want me to send you a kit, drop me an email, $10.
been working on new thanksgiving product, yea!! got tons more in my head if i can just get it out....
listening to my youtube playlist.... forgot it was out there...
had 2 sick kids the past 3 days, that was not fun.... 005 was getting pretty dehydrated, tired of drinking he would say. he went over 12 hours without urinating. kept making him drink. he fell asleep (again!) on the couch. when he woke up he asked if he could change his clothes because they felt wet. well, guess that took care of that. dad brought over his shampooer (yea dad!) today so after i got them in bed i got the couch, the living room carpet, the dining room carpet (oh how i hate having carpet in there but i'm too chicken to rip it up!) and in here. dirty, dirty filthy people we are! lol
oh, and he's turning six (so i guess he gets a promotion to 006!) so i baked 4 dozen cookies so each of the kids in his class can have 2. and the teachers too. they were yummy. i always make mine without the chips. i know, i'm weird. i must say, i did not care for the recipe on the package. they were too runny and sticky. kept adding flour, but my scooper wouldn't work right, they wouldn't eject properly....
oh, yesterday, made a triple batch of honey wheat bread. love it! froze 4 of them, baked 1 of them and turned 1 of them into pretzels. so yummy hot from the oven! oh, i should say each recipe makes 2 loaves.
texted mr. he who shall remain nameless today. don't know why. can't leave it alone. don't want to leave it alone, you pick. why am i so stupid sometimes. yea, he responded. not much, just enough.
last friday i went into blooey's, a little local joint here in town that has live music. the singer was all over me. flattering. nice guy. wrong guy.
saturday i went to the winery with tom, my good friend jill's hubby. had a good time talking with everyone there and trying one of their new semi-dries. it was good. don't remember the catchy name. then we went to the cove in sweetzer with sherry & bryan. totally not what i was expecting. not a dive. they had a dj, so tom & i had fun dancing. nice guy. safe guy. guy i can trust. tried to teach him how to text his wifey. 008 learned faster lol! sorry tommy - still love you!
didn't get the church cleaned this week, but i think it will be ok. it never really gets that dirty. probably not going to get over to my mom's either, but that's ok. since she has no immune system really anymore, i don't have any business being around her until at least next week.
tomorrow celebrating 005's birthday at chuck e. cheese. bob thought it would be good to do it all together, the 4 of us. i see his point, but it just makes for weird feelings in me. that reminds me, gotta make his card & wrap his presents. ben got him a pokemon game and i got him star wars bedding. he'll love it! saturday we'll celebrate it with my mom & dad and i'll make him a wallaluigi cake. so i guess i'm going to have to do some research so i know what that looks like.
oh, and somehow (i think she put a hex on me! lol) pastor kay talked me into giving the message on 11/15. huh, what?! not just reading the scripture, but the SERMON! i'm soooo dumb! lol so i've got to start getting ideas now cause i'm freaked out!
anyway, i'm exhausted, think i'm gonna go nighty-nite... oh, the ear is starting to really heal up because it itches like a maddog!
elle
i've got a class scheduled for 10/31, if you're local, it's at my house, $15. I'm going to do a gratitude journal & it will include some stuff i found in my parents' attic as well as some of my own product. If you want me to send you a kit, drop me an email, $10.
been working on new thanksgiving product, yea!! got tons more in my head if i can just get it out....
listening to my youtube playlist.... forgot it was out there...
had 2 sick kids the past 3 days, that was not fun.... 005 was getting pretty dehydrated, tired of drinking he would say. he went over 12 hours without urinating. kept making him drink. he fell asleep (again!) on the couch. when he woke up he asked if he could change his clothes because they felt wet. well, guess that took care of that. dad brought over his shampooer (yea dad!) today so after i got them in bed i got the couch, the living room carpet, the dining room carpet (oh how i hate having carpet in there but i'm too chicken to rip it up!) and in here. dirty, dirty filthy people we are! lol
oh, and he's turning six (so i guess he gets a promotion to 006!) so i baked 4 dozen cookies so each of the kids in his class can have 2. and the teachers too. they were yummy. i always make mine without the chips. i know, i'm weird. i must say, i did not care for the recipe on the package. they were too runny and sticky. kept adding flour, but my scooper wouldn't work right, they wouldn't eject properly....
oh, yesterday, made a triple batch of honey wheat bread. love it! froze 4 of them, baked 1 of them and turned 1 of them into pretzels. so yummy hot from the oven! oh, i should say each recipe makes 2 loaves.
texted mr. he who shall remain nameless today. don't know why. can't leave it alone. don't want to leave it alone, you pick. why am i so stupid sometimes. yea, he responded. not much, just enough.
last friday i went into blooey's, a little local joint here in town that has live music. the singer was all over me. flattering. nice guy. wrong guy.
saturday i went to the winery with tom, my good friend jill's hubby. had a good time talking with everyone there and trying one of their new semi-dries. it was good. don't remember the catchy name. then we went to the cove in sweetzer with sherry & bryan. totally not what i was expecting. not a dive. they had a dj, so tom & i had fun dancing. nice guy. safe guy. guy i can trust. tried to teach him how to text his wifey. 008 learned faster lol! sorry tommy - still love you!
didn't get the church cleaned this week, but i think it will be ok. it never really gets that dirty. probably not going to get over to my mom's either, but that's ok. since she has no immune system really anymore, i don't have any business being around her until at least next week.
tomorrow celebrating 005's birthday at chuck e. cheese. bob thought it would be good to do it all together, the 4 of us. i see his point, but it just makes for weird feelings in me. that reminds me, gotta make his card & wrap his presents. ben got him a pokemon game and i got him star wars bedding. he'll love it! saturday we'll celebrate it with my mom & dad and i'll make him a wallaluigi cake. so i guess i'm going to have to do some research so i know what that looks like.
oh, and somehow (i think she put a hex on me! lol) pastor kay talked me into giving the message on 11/15. huh, what?! not just reading the scripture, but the SERMON! i'm soooo dumb! lol so i've got to start getting ideas now cause i'm freaked out!
anyway, i'm exhausted, think i'm gonna go nighty-nite... oh, the ear is starting to really heal up because it itches like a maddog!
elle
Monday, October 5, 2009
mice - and not the friendly cinderella kind...
have invaded my home! i went to get a spoon this am for breakfast and there was a piece of candy in there (a crunch egg) from one of the boys' treat baskets... so i asked "ok, who put the candy in here?!?" to which i got the expected double "not me". then i noticed the foil was still on it. then i noticed it had smaller-than-human-teeth scoring marks in it. then.... i screamed like a little girl.... sooo all the silverware, and the tray went into the dishwasher. under the tray, i found droppings.....eeeeewwww! and washed out the drawer with hot, soapy water. then... the candy baskets had to go in the trash. i was going to do just the candy, but 008 suggested that we get rid of the baskets too (a kid after my own heart!). then, i had to give all 3 of us a lecture on the importance of not leaving food where they can get to it, etc. sigh... i guess it is that time of year....now i gotta get traps (i can't stand poison - unless you're talking the band!) and i'm not sure i wear the big girl panties for those or not....can't they just pick another house? apparently the one the cat was eating on THE FRONT PORCH wasn't the only one YUCK!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
pigskin
sitting here watching the steelers/chargers game. so much fun, love football, love the pink gloves. was there ever a better color invented? seriously, it takes a pretty confident man to wear pink gloves...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
ketchup, ketchup....
ok, really catch-up but it sounds funnier that way! OK, so i got the stamps trimmed & used, so much fun, took pix of the cards, hope to have them up soon, finished up a mini for zack's b-day of him & ben together (his request, but it is a surprise so shhhh!), made all the beds, worked on new halloweenie product most of the day. really super cute! i'm going to be a sponsor for a contest (more to come) so i'm busy trying to get it all done & ready to go out to them. watched some tv for awhile and watched the season openers for criminal minds, csi:ny & csi. soooo very good.
had fun at scotty's last night with sherry & her boyfriend bryan. but a guy there would just simply not leave me alone. it was fun for awhile, but after awhile, well, it wasn't fun anymore. he just wasn't the guy i wanted to be there with, mr. he who shall remain nameless. he's been very busy lately & i've not heard from him in far too long.
anyway, such is life. the boys are gone & i miss them terribly. it is ok during the day as i'm used to it, but nighttime is very hard.
my ear is finally starting to heal up a bit and not hurt so much now when it gets bumped. i was really surprised how bad it was for so many days after i got it done. it still hurt (badly) a couple days later. guess i'm just a big wimp. accidentally bumped it last night cleaning water out of my earlobe (can't stand that!) after my shower. yes, i needed one so badly, hate smelling like that place. fun to be in, but stinky after you leave. thought i was going to die for a couple minutes.
anyway, getting ready to go cut up what i worked on today, have a great night!
had fun at scotty's last night with sherry & her boyfriend bryan. but a guy there would just simply not leave me alone. it was fun for awhile, but after awhile, well, it wasn't fun anymore. he just wasn't the guy i wanted to be there with, mr. he who shall remain nameless. he's been very busy lately & i've not heard from him in far too long.
anyway, such is life. the boys are gone & i miss them terribly. it is ok during the day as i'm used to it, but nighttime is very hard.
my ear is finally starting to heal up a bit and not hurt so much now when it gets bumped. i was really surprised how bad it was for so many days after i got it done. it still hurt (badly) a couple days later. guess i'm just a big wimp. accidentally bumped it last night cleaning water out of my earlobe (can't stand that!) after my shower. yes, i needed one so badly, hate smelling like that place. fun to be in, but stinky after you leave. thought i was going to die for a couple minutes.
anyway, getting ready to go cut up what i worked on today, have a great night!
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