happy birthday 005!

you are now 006.  i remember the day you were born like it were yesterday.  we were trying to finish up the bathroom remodel.  daddy left grampa bob with very specific instructions that the toilet needed to work when i got back.  you and i spent 2 days in the hospital together, just the 2 of us getting to know each other.  it was the first time daddy was really alone with ben for a long time and had to take care of him.  i think it gave him more of an appreciation of what i did while he traveled.

ben was a c-section.  i was so scared you would be too.  but you weren't.  at the last minute you decided to enter this world.  and that set the precedence.  you do everything on your own time, your own terms or it just doesn't work.  period.  you are stubborn & flexible.  easy going, demonstrative with your affection. fun loving and personable.  you idolize your big brother and miss him when he's gone.

when ben would come to the hospital (a 45 minute drive almost!) he called it the waterfall hospital.  he liked it because daddy or grampa jack would buy him skittles.  when we brought you home it took about a week, but then he started asking if we could take you back. no buddy, this little guy is here to stay.

being a mom of 2 was pretty rocky for me from the get go.  daddy traveled.  a lot.  i was a single parent a lot (looking back, i guess this was preparation). there was no one really around who offered to help or that i felt i could ask help from.  i desperately wanted help but didn't know how to get it.  i was overwhelmed, stressed, at the end of my rope and i think postpartum.  it is hard to even type about it now, it makes me cry. i did a lot of things wrong.  i did a few things right.

i would not trade either one of you for the world. i wish however, that i could have handled it better.  my therapist would say i need to cut myself some slack and say that i did the best i could.  which i guess i did. forgiving oneself is hard, important, necessary, but hard. and while none of it ended up the way i would have chosen, i would not change marrying daddy and everything i "gave up" to become a mommy.  your mommy. the two of you are the biggest blessings of my life.  and yes, i wish too that it would have ended up differently. it makes me sad and angry and helpless, as i'm sure it does the 2 of you.

i think i've really grown into being a single mom of 2 crazy, wild, fun, awesome boys.  god has really given me the strength and grace i need every day to do it.  i've still got a lot to learn, but i'm just so not that person 6 years ago, and for that i am so very thankful.

so it is with bittersweet joy that i wish you a happy birthday this rainy October 15, 2009 my beautiful, beautiful boy.  mamma loves you so much.