wild things

so i took the boys to see where the wild things are yesterday after the chili fest.  i really love that thing, so does 008. 006 just charms crackers from everyone.

it was such an amazing movie, based on such a good book.  of course, since the book is pretty short, they had to take a few creative liberties, but i was ok with that.  added to the story, made it more layered, poignant. you get a bit of introspection of what it's like for children of divorced parents. max just looking for someone to defend him.  got that, been there buddy. it hurts, to the core. he acts out, trying to get his mom's attention, he doesn't know what else to do. ends up running off to the island where he meets the group.

the group is falling apart because one of the wilds - KW- has run off to be with other friends because (we find out later) she's feeling suffocated and there's too much friction. carol is tearing things (huts) up because he doesn't understand why she doesn't like him (she does) and why she wants to be someplace else.  he takes it personally.  why does it matter anymore that these are our homes, we're not together anymore? totally get that.

they make max king, they build a fort where only the things you want can be there. but it starts to change & not be what they wanted. wow, so true of life. lots of fissures. max can't hold it all together, he's supposed to make everything ok, but he realizes he can't. and that there are just somethings you cannot fix. he gets homesick and wants to go back. carol goes nuts, tears stuff up. max had left a heart with a c in the middle at carol's special place.  he sees it and then understands that max had never stopped loving him.  he runs back and gets there just in time to wave goodbye to max.

max goes home & his mom is waiting for him and she falls asleep watching him eat his supper. she's peaceful. so is he.

and i cry. for so many reasons. because bob left me.  because he unilaterally made a decision based on his own needs and wants. because that affected 3 other people.  he was supposed to love us forever.  meatloaf's 2 out of 3 ain't bad just doesn't cut it. i identify so much with carol, we were just all supposed to be together, to sleep in our pile and have only good things in our fort. not outsiders.  he just wanted someone to like him and think he's cool and love him and think he was awesome and had good stuff to contribute and find him important in their lives - just like me.  just like most people, i reckon.

but here we are 2+ years later since i moved and well, we're still here.  i don't think i've been holding out hope that he would ask me back.  it's pretty obvious that he doesn't.  i'm too old, too fat, too not what he doesn't want. and just like carol, i want to lash out and say what is it all really for anyway? what difference does it make? does it really matter? i mean, i could exercise and loose the 10 pounds. i could go get a tummy tuck, and collagen in my face. i could learn how to belly dance and tell the best jokes, but come the end of the day, it's not going to "win him back" because it comes down to the fact that he.just.doesn't.want.to.be.with.me. nothing is going to change that. and do i really want to be with him? i don't know. i go back and forth.  yea, i know, see earlier post that means i don't.

but i had hopes and dreams of us growing old together, raising our kids together, seeing our grandchildren together.  and yes, i know we will still do all those things, but it will be together/apart. i never wanted my kids to have step-parents & half-siblings. i'm not sure why he does want them to. now someone else lives the life that i thought was mine. and it hurts. every time i see her or my boys mention her name (they like her, and i guess that's good) it cuts like a knife straight into my heart of hearts.

she's fun & likes to play games with them. i'm boring and make them do their homework.  i know it's not a competition, but somehow it is. i want them to choose me, not her. i guess i fear i don't even measure up to my own kids. or even to my own standards.

so that's my twisted look at the movie and how it applies to my life.  still waiting for someone to watch me peacefully while i eat supper.