Hump Day - again!

Glad to see that it has not taken me as long to get back to writing.  Just some random thoughts swirling around in my head today:

• Preparing for my final test of Level II (which is actually done at mid-term!)
• Preparing for my next anatomy quiz (next week)
• Trying to get back into the habit of monthly menu planning - done for February and this time plus breakfast! I hate having to figure it all out last minute, plus it helps with the grocery shopping
• Eating out of the freezer - tons of stuff in there, and that equates into less spent at Kroger
• Only buying what we need at the store, also equates into less spent
• A bit sad that Kroger doesn't do double coupons any more
• Liking more and more the digital offerings they have though, as a lot of them do not come in paper varieties any more
• Trying to scrap more, I need to get those stories told
• Focusing more on stories, less on events
• Getting music squared away for my massage practice
• So many thoughts on how to market it and get it going
• Excited that I think we finally have the heater/heat pump combo fixed, and now it is just fine-tuning for my environment.  Can't wait to see the next bill.  But scared too.  What if there is no difference?  But I guess the difference might be that my house actually stayed on temp this time?
• Excited that JillyBean is actually improving now!  She gave us quite a scare
• Excited that 013 got his braces off!  He looks so different & grown up!
• Loving my soap experiments
• Loving my homemade granola bites (and so do the boys)
• Loving the freedom that comes with unjobbing.  So much more time for me to concentrate on getting the right stuff done
• Got my February birthday cards done already
• Wishing my handwriting was not so sloppy & I didn't feel awkward writing stuff on the inside 
• Christmas cards, however, still sitting there for me

I am sure there is tons more, but I think that is a good summary... :)

Have a blessed day!

Video Share

Landfill Music

I think I saw this on Arlin's blog some time back.  Just has taken me a while to post it.  It really shows the human desire for beauty and the divine power to overcome earthly problems.  So many of us live in such great wealth that we have lost the ability to do this.  And I'm not talking just about those people who live in 5000 square foot houses.  When was the last time you had to worry about eating a meal, or having enough money for your child to eat lunch at school, or being able to rent the band instrument, or even buy them a pair of shoes? Have we gained so much that we have so little regard for it? 

And you don't have to travel half-way around the world to be faced with people who every day are struggling.  RIGHT NOW there is a child in your kid's class who doesn't get a breakfast every morning, that the only meal they get is the one served at school.  The one your kid didn't want to eat because it was yucky.

Let this inspire you today, that something so beautiful and amazing can come out of such humble roots.  Let it inspire you to be more grateful for what you have in your life right now - the people, the things, the job.  Let it inspire you to somehow make a difference in someone else's life.

Peace,
elle

Have a drink on me...

This week actually went by pretty fast.  I was surprised.  Wednesday we got a freak snowstorm (yea, I know, it’s January, shouldn’t use the word freak, exactly!) and EE met me over at Whiskey Creek for supper while the boys were with their dad.  Is that not so incredibly sweet that he will drive 45 minutes just to see me for an hour & a half & then drive back another 45 minutes before going to work?  He is amazing!  And I saw him Monday & Tuesday too.  So it was hard to wait all the way until Friday night.  We met at The Mill, in Marion. No trouble finding it this time!  Sheesh, we still laugh at that, it was so funny him trying to guide me in via phone & me having no idea where I was.  Just kept driving around the YMCA a lot.  “Hey, kids, there’s Big Ben!”.  If you don’t get the reference, google European Vacation.  We had the appetizer sampler for dinner, and listened to someone playing piano.  He would not have been my first choice to listen to.  I know it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of people to sing & play, but still…  and he said over dinner that he loved me.  Maybe it’s starting to happen just a little bit more frequently.  As we both get used to it.  That can’t be a bad thing. Then we went back home, both got in his car, and headed down to Charley Creek so we could listen to Sam play.  That was so much better.  And Jill was there and we got to talk & catch up.  It was so much fun & I had so too much to drink!  We got home & I just did not feel well.  He had to help me to bed & stuff.  I think I slept in the exact same spot for 5 hours.  Then got up, went to the bathroom & took some ibuprofen.  Then slept some more.  Don’t worry, when we got up, I made sure he was taken care of since the night before was a total no-show!  He made me breakfast – a wonderful omelet & coffee.  I had a hair appointment at noon, so I took off for that & got my hair all done up nice.  Took a nap when I got back, as he was napping too.  Then got up to check out movies & places to eat.  We ended up choosing Haywire in Huntington, weird, but good.  It needed more dialog.  Not sure if they thought she wouldn’t be able to remember her lines, or what.  Then we went up to Fort Wayne to eat at Naked Tchopstix and it was really yummy!  We got the spicy tuna makki rolls to share, then we each got a bento box.  It was way too much food.  I will have lunch forever now!  We stayed at my house (that is getting cooler every time) and then I went to church. And I only had 1 beer that night, so I was able to participate in the adult activities, I really don’t like missing out on those!  My furnace has been acting up again, so he came by after I went to the grocery to see if he could figure out what was going on.  No dice. I made a corn chowder, he forgot the steaks, so since it was now 57 in my house, we decided to go over to his.  He grilled, I finished the soup, made a salad & we ate big.  It was super yummy.  He grills some of the best steaks ever.  Then we had a little bit more fun.  Hopefully he feels well taken care of this weekend, I know I do.  I can’t believe sometimes how wonderfully he treats me.  We were just lying there together, kind of dozing before I had to go pick up the boys.  And it is indescribable the feeling of both his arms around me, holding me close, feeling his chest hairs tickle me, and the scratchiness of his beard under my hand, the smooth skin of his neck & shoulders.  At that moment, I feel so completely loved, overjoyed, blessed.  I never want it to end.  There is nothing that compares to this.  I want to feel it (and him) every day.  And I usually do feel it around him.   I don’t think I ever have not.  And no, it still didn’t happen this weekend.  I know I should stop thinking about it and wondering when it’s going to.  I know it will not ever.  At least I don’t think so.  But he is thinking of buying a new bike, one with a saddle on it that would be comfy for me too. So we can do longer rides together. And it looks like George Baker is going to pan out.  And we’re going to be doing a show up in Traverse City in June.  And he said he loved me, so I guess that at least means he won’t be going anywhere soon, right?
So now I’m trying to get ready for the week ahead.  I need to take my CWTS practice test at least once so I can get the real test done & out of the way.  I need to somehow fix the bathtub caulk.  Thursday did not go so well.  I told him I was this close (hair-width) from just replacing the whole unit with something that does NOT need to be caulked,  and then if I did that, I should get a real vanity top so I have a place to put my makeup & blow dryer & curling iron on.  Right now it is just a sink & stuff falls off &  it’s annoying.  And it is the master (well only!) bath so you think they would have thought this through a bit better.  And I need to file my nails because typing is hard.
And I’m tired, so I’m gonna go to bed…

Cool little pat on my back....

I had a request for use for one of my pictures out on Flickr!  Totally cool!  Yes, I have sold some but it is still exciting to be noticed.  This one is not paid, but it gets pretty good exposure.  You can see it here, it is of the Tennessee River Aquarium in Chattanooga http://www.schmap.com/chattanooga/sights_zoos/p=177472/i=177472_111.jpg for some reason Apture won't embed the link, but it might have something to do with the link.  There are a couple out there, mine is of the building from the outside.  I was honored to be sent there 3 years ago this spring for an ACS conference for my church.  My friend Jan & I had a blast!

Anyway, I have lots more I want to blog about, hopefully I can do that this afternoon.  Special music got postponed until today, and I'm worship leader, so my nerves are going into overdrive. It's also 5th Sunday breakfast & I've got some bad bananas that I'm gonna make into good muffins.  I wanna talk about my job & life too.

It's the only one you've got...

This song is so much my life.  It is funny how many songs I say that about, but honestly, it is true.  Does anyone else hear their life story in someone else's lyrics?  Is that strange that I do that?  I so deeply & emotionally connect with a song that sometimes I almost can't listen to it because of the effects it has on me.

This song tells me to not hold back, to go forth boldly in search of my dreams.  To not put limits on those dreams.  That I don't want to regret not trying something.  That I would rather be brave, step off that ledge and try something and fail than wonder 20 years later what could have been if I had only but tried.

And mostly, that we all have that feeling inside.  Some of us are able to muster forth the courage to do it, others get entangled in the fear of the risks.  What if someone things I'm silly/stupid/dorky/etc?  What if I fail?  What if I succeed? What if I lose? Been there, been called all of those, and yes it is painful, but I would rather be dorky than just average & ordinary.  I would rather be me because I'm the only one who really knows how to do that.

So today, I challenge myself, and you, to step into that scary territory of the unknown and go forth boldly.  I'll be right there with you, holding your hand if you need me to.  Because what I'm learning is that the joys of success far outweigh the risks/consequences of not doing it/failing at it.  And honestly, do we really fail?  How can it really be viewed as a failure if we tried?  I think the only failure is not doing anything at all.  Trust me, it's going to be so much better on the other side.

elle

one of my most favoritest songs....

see previous post, but this really sums up my "scaredness" of life.... this man is so talented, and hot i tell ya, too bad he's married!  lol

totally great song!

love michael bublé he is just so hot!  check out his new song....

awesome song

Love 1 republic, go check it out here.. it’s a slow start (at least for me) but gets really good…

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sunday, sundae & sundaze

so today is sunday. going to church day.  and we did.  i got the picture slide show done, and got there early so i could test it on jim (pastor kay's) laptop. i park the car in the parking lot, usually a good idea. and i notice someone's car there. he who shall not be named's car.  oh, i know it, i've made it my job to know it. and all of a sudden i'm tempted to restart the car and just turn it around and not walk in.  but i have to walk in. i have to do the presentation.  i don't know if she's with him.  that will break my heart.  what if she is?  what if she isn't?

last thursday, i think, i forget the day, he and i spent about 3 hours texting back and forth.  maybe it was friday.  the boys were in school, so heck it had to be 1 of those 2 days. it was fun, flirty. but makes me think he only wants me for services rendered.  i don't offer. he just about asks. he says they are together again, but mostly for the baby. hum. well, i know how well that works out, now don't i. but i don't want to preach or offer advice so i just listen. i ask him if he wants to be with her for the rest of his life.  he says he goes back & forth. in my book, that's a no.  been there, done that, have more than 1 t-shirt. so that's why i'm wondering if he's flying solo or not.

he's not flying solo. he's got his baby with him, but no her. i was shocked, this is quite the move.  he normally doesn't like to do anything to ripple the waters. we talk. i help jim get the slide show going, he has powerpoint so it makes it all that much easier.  i can't think, i'm hyperaware of him in the sanctuary.  i ask him later if he has anyone to sit with, just mom & dad, but i'm welcome too. so i get the boys.  the boys want to know why we're sitting in a different place (they sit all the way up on house left, we usually sit 1/2 way back, house right.  isn't it funny how everyone has unassigned, assigned seats?). i tell them i want to sit with my friend.

oh, before i got the boys, he gave me his baby to hold. wow, what an incredible feeling, i love little snuggly babies, he is just the perfect size at 6 weeks. i want to kiss him & love all over him but he's not mine. but he is a baby with super soft hair, lots of hair.  i'm trying really hard to just fly loose.  he looks a lot like you, xcept he might be cuter! just try to talk & laugh with no strings. no agenda.  hard, but i think i succeeded.

it was easier once service started.  and then i realized everyone could see us sitting together.  what were they thinking?  what was he thinking? had this crossed his mind? did he care? his mom turned around and looked at me, winked, then at him. she has informed me she has more than 1 son.  yes dear, i know, but i only really want to be with the 1. and why do i so strongly want to be with him? what is it? i have asked this question so many times.  the sermon was on god's response to job.  not an answer to his question, but a response.  i wonder which one i'll get.

why was he there? is god trying to tell me something? i want so much to have a partner who is faith-based. i know he's got it, if he'd just let it out. i always read waaay too much into things.  we didn't really talk much after, lots of people were talking to him or his family, but i just couldn't pull my eyes off of him.  i not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but i'm pretty sure it's lit up like a neon sign.

i somehow need to let go of all of this. him, my hope & desires to be with him.  i've not been able to be with him for 22 years, what makes me think that it's gonna happen now.  i don't think he wants it to.  i know he'd like it to work out with her.  i'm sure that would be better, all things considered. and i want him to be happy.  you know, we say that, but it's a really hard thing to truly mean, cause what i'd really like to say is i want him to be happy with me. so how do you let go, bury, put to rest, (give up?)... i don't know. because just when i think i have, something happens and it's like a carrot dangled in front of me.

there are no white knights. no man rescues you, there is no prince when you kiss the frog, very few live happily ever after, and i'm quite certain the number of men who actually mean what they say and take it to heart, take it very seriously, as an oath, a covenant are few and far between. most men, i'm sure just want to take as much as what they can get out of something, have as much fun as possible, and then bail when the going gets rough.  at least this has been my experience.  i try not to be jaded, i try not to be cynical. but the minute i start being optimistic is the minute i become naive and i get hurt. hurt bad. i'm so tired of hurting because of my own stupidity & that i've put my faith and trust in a person. and i also know there is nothing i can do about it. and i know that i will continue to do the above. i just hope someday it is a person who has earned it.

it is like the garth brooks song (wow, i just learned how to embed video, totally cool!)  this has been my motto for so long.  i like so many of his songs, the dance, the river... but i won't show them all.




 
so i'm just wondering what you think i should do.  how do i get over it? i'm trying to distract myself by focusing on my boys, the church, working at fish, etc. and it works to an extent. i know in a lot of ways, there is still a lot of healing to be done because of all the other stuff that has happened in my life.  i guess i would just like to know that when i get there, there will be someone waiting for me, that i will not grow old alone and forgotten. that i will matter to someone, someone who chose to spend their life with me because they wanted to.  not someone who has to because they are family. and i know, don't remind me, the recruiter was more than willing to do that. but honestly, i think he just wanted insto-family because he missed it too.  i understand that & am not saying that to be mean. and i know he would have treated me like a princess but there was something missing, something not right.  i don't know what is was exactly, but i know it wasn't there.  maybe on my part is was the fact that there was not a lack of other people in my heart.  that i still had hope for someone else. because i know when you get married, or commit to someone else, there should be a lack of "what about him, or what if..." kinds of things from your heart.  you have to be confident that you have made the best choice already and that it is right there in front of you. and i'm not sure i've ever had that. because i've always wondered "what if" about mr. he who shall remain nameless.

it was amazing, awesome & a bit scary to sit next to him in church, but i thanked god that he was there. and that concludes the rather circuitous post today.  hope i've not left you too dazed....

i still want to be with him.   i don't know how to not want to be.

warm summer nights...

...actually, it is a bit chilly here tonight. upper 50s, unusual for indiana in august, but nothing lately has been usual. i just so love sitting out on my front porch, drink a beer and listen to the crickets. tonight, i'll need to wear a sweatshirt though!

i am moved into the house now, and really love it. i was able to make an office to hold my crafting obsession. the boys also have their computer in here, so we are able to spend some time together goofing off. lately they have been loving to play pharoah and i have to admit, i remember how much fun i used to have playing it.

ben started 3rd grade and zack 1st this year. how the heck did that happen? all of zack's 4 front teeth did fall out, in a row, and now he has 1 big person tooth growing in and the side teeth are now loose. they are just amazingly handsome and i am so proud to be their momma.

lately, i've been listening to my ipod a lot, getting re-connected to music - just about anything. but have been on a huge rob thomas/matchbook 20 & 3 doors down kick. still love michael buble and john mayer too. music is an incredible, powerful force in my life and i can't believe i let it go for so long.

life has been topsy-turvey lately, my mom's tumor has progressed, her pituitary gland no longer works thanks to all of the radiation, and she spent 2 weeks in methodist hospital down in indy in a coma becuase of it. mentally, she is not the same woman she even was at the start of the year. it is so sad and it is so hard not to be angry.

the boys & i took a vacation to st. louis in june and had a ton of fun. we rode to the top of the arch although i have to admit i was so chicken we almost didn't make it. wished so bad to have an adult to share all the experiences with.

i broke up with the recruiter i was dating. so many reasons. just not ready. don't know if i ever will be. other things nagging at my heart too, and i need to investigate them, try to understand why i am feeling them. started a really good healing bible study on sunday mornings.

started therapy to help me with the abuse of my childhood. and the frakked up life it led to. and the frakked up relationships that were a result of poor choices based on warped experiences. i refuse to let it run my life any longer. this point & no further.

lost my job in july. ouch. this economy sucks, yet we have no one to blame but ourselves. trying to get back into product design. have been playing alot with pse and loving the results. just so very powerful. you can check out some of my stuff on http://www.shophandmade.com/Store/Benzilla and www.BenzillaScrapping.etsy.com . I've also been trying to get more photos posted here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ and just spending more time with my camera. It is a whole other relationship and i have such a HUGE backlog of photos waiting to be proofed.

found out i'm a "elegant classic" style on http://www.homegoods.com/ pretty spot on, really. have had a lot of fun trying to decorate the house, at least before the layoff. now just trying to find a good job, or even a bad job.

had started a huge gardening project, so i've been busy trying to get all the mulch down. it is fun, but dirty, but really fun. i love getting dirty. i find it to be such an organic experience, connecting to things that grow and (trying to) make things pretty. right now everything is pretty small and stubby but i'm hoping they'll grow. next year i want to put in a vegetable garden. this year there was just too much going on.

while the boys were gone, got a lot of time in the saddle on my motorcycle. it is so peaceful and uplifting, and well, centering. i really love the feeling, almost as good as flying, which is what i always wanted to do. maybe someday i'll work up the nerve to take it out on a riding vacation just for myself. even changed my oil by myself. dirty, clean fun. we have a wonderful relationship, he and i, but i really need to name him....

my brother gave me his old riding lawnmower, keep running over things i shouldn't and getting stuff tangled around the blade spindles. guess i'm learing how to take care of it, right? but i really like having it, it gives me the ability to take care of my lawn without always having to depend on my dad. he's got enough to take care of right now, however, i understand his need for distraction too. i've always loved mowing and it is a blast to do it and it gives me an excuse to listen to my ipod...

my regular website is down, hoping i can get it back up and going soon. i made a huge boo-boo and don't know how to fix it. but i figure i've got lots of time to try and learn, or at least get someone else to do it for me. i hate the fact that i neglected it for so long.

lately, i've been feeling very lonely and trying to figure out what it's all for, what purpose does this serve, breaking up with someone just to be miserable without someone in your life. i know, i did the right thing, i need to clean up the junk in my closet, but at 2 1/2 months it's getting hard. in the past, i've always jumped back in at 3 months. i've promised pastor kay that i'll go at least until christmas. it is going to be really, really hard as i have such strong needs to be accepted and around people (which now that i don't work i don't get a lot of... the post office gets concerned when you stand there most of the morning just to talk...). they used to call me a social butterfly where i used to work a million years ago and i never got it. but i think i do now.

i was discussing this (the dating rule) with a friend one night on the phone (yes, a guy) and he said, well, what's dating to you? finally decided it was romantic intent. wonder if he was interested, have to admit there's a part of me that would like that, but i don't need the complication right now. but it is so hard not to let the mind wander...

honestly, i would like to date, and have the flirting, maybe even really serious flirting, but not the rest of it. don't know if i'll ever feel differently.

been geting back into journaling, the old fashioned way. get writer's cramp though. trying to work out more and get rid of the 10-15 i've gained over the past year. i hate that. i've never really struggled with weight until i had kids. now it seems that's all i do. i want to be healther and more trim, but it is hard to commit to the work necessary. i want it without all the pain. just like a good relationship.

anyway, sorry for the ramblings, but thanks for listening, it was very stream of conscienseness tonight.