Well, that’s probably too strong a word, but definitely LIKE fits! So I should probably be paying my bills because Jilly Bean is going to be calling any minute, but I’d rather be ruminating over my little lunch date with little hottie EE. I have yet to really understand my attraction to him, but there is no denying IT IS THERE!
I got done with my first phone interview, and he’s early, messaged me, found the place OK. I’m a little embarrassed/nervous that he’s in my office, but I try to get past it. Have to answer a few questions for Hobbit before we can go. He’s driving that cute little G6 & damned if it’s not a 5 on the floor. For real?!? Can’t he just be typical for 1 minute? I was pretty sure I was the only person left who still drove a stick. Sigh. As we’re driving, his hand comes over almost immediately to my thigh. I hold it in mine. We go to Market Street and sit in the window. I’m having a hard time looking at him while we are talking because I know I’m grinning like an idiot & I’m sure everything I’m thinking is being broadcast through my eyes. I really need to work on that, it will be OK. I get a cup of chili, he gets a club. We talk. Somehow we get on the subject of UPSs and generators & I’m just amazed at how much he knows & how smart he is. We talk about EDS rebuilding his laptop again, the crazy devices on the floor they want to add AV to (and don’t need for pete’s sake!) and a whole lot of other stuff. He realizes I’m going to be late. So we leave, he gives me his coat to wear because I didn’t bring mine along and of course I have clogs on & the sidewalk & parking lot are slippery but I guess it gives me a chance to hold on for dear life! We get to the car, he’s got to fish the keys out of the jacket pocket I’m now wearing, gives me a hug, and we start kissing. Don’t want to stop. EVER. Told him last week I think I could kiss him forever. He told me he’d give me at least a few hours to stop. Get ourselves under control & get in the car. More kissing. He drives back to the office, more kissing. I REALLY don’t want to get out of the car. But I have to. I get inside & Big is just grinning at me all the time, and Vinnie is looking at me funny. What did he tell him!?!?!? Course at this point I’m acting like a total dork cause I just had one of the best lunches in my life.
So I get through the rest of the afternoon OK, another phone interview. Tons of problems, more than I know what to do with, my brain is swelling & itching & I’m completely overwhelmed. I’m a few minutes late picking up 009, again. I hate that. When we get home, all I want to do is sit & daydream about kissing that man, talking to him & a million other things. He says I put a smile on his face, he should see the one he puts on mine, I think sometimes my face is going to go numb.
I am scared to death. I’ve been down this relationship road before. I’ve felt these feelings. It always ends badly. Maybe not at first, but it does. Either because I made stupid choices with my actions or ,well, because I made stupid choices in who I chose. I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE THAT AGAIN. I want to guard myself against him & his evil jedi powers, but find myself very incapable. I find myself after saying I don’t want someone around all the time to really being able to see myself around him. A lot. That scares me. There are so many things too up in the air. Things without labels & definitions, without neat little bins to put them in. too many unknowns. Not sure I can deal with that. Really struggling. I know I should just let go & have fun, but the one thing I’ve learned from therapy is that because I what I went though when I was a kid, control is a huge thing of importance for me. I feel in control when I can define, label, sort & know. THIS DOES NOT FALL INTO THIS. I’m riding high one minute & scared to death the next.
This is the first someone has been interested in me for 18 months, really. The wrestler doesn’t count, Bulldog doesn’t count. This is the first one with potential. What if I’m just interested in him because I’m lonely and craving attention? I don’t think I am. But I didn’t think that was the case with the Recruiter either. But looking back now, I think I was. I AM SO MESSED UP!
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