Big wheels keep on turnin'

So to pick up where I left off, I took a nap after the last post & then I get a call about 1500.  He’s done with the family stuff for a bit & wanted to get together.  I called T&J to find out what they were up to, they were in the lobby apparently they had come in when I was sleeping.  So EE decided to swing by & we ended up having some beer & wine in the room & just talking.  We decided to go to Winston’s for supper, the pub side of Shuler’s http://www.schulersrestaurant.com/ very cool atmosphere, almost more New England than Midwest.  T&J both got the walleye, we ended up both getting the pot roast.  It was sooo tender, so good. And the first time I had ever had rutabagas.  Had a dark horse ale with it. 

From there, we went back to the hotel, picked up his car (we needed both of them to get everyone there) and drove over to his house.  And he’s right.  This thing is tiny!  I don’t know that we would have been able to have a sleepover. We picked up 2 of his kids & they road with T&J over to Kalamazoo to get a table, and we went into BC to get his other son & his girlfriend.  Drove into Kalamazoo to go to Bells http://www.bellsbeer.com/eccentric-cafe/ and saw a live band for a bit.  We had a bit of trouble with chairs (it was standing room only) so when we got a table, I ended up on his lap for a bit. 

After there, we went down to Shakespeare’s http://www.shakespearespub.com/ and you can tell very much that it is a college town.  There is a band here too, blues/rock/country and they are doing some good covers.  They have a huge table here & it’s full of family!  His 3 kids, his ex-wife & her boyfriend, her nephew & his fiancé, one of his son’s friends, and the wife & daughter of one of the guys he flies with.  Oh, holy sh*t!  Now I am very nervous because I can’t hear, and there is so much going on I’m having a hard time following everything.  Even JB is saying she feels a bit intimidated because everyone knows everybody but us.

But I stretch my “meet new people” muscles and do pretty well.  The pilot’s wife I really liked talking to, she was funny.  And his ex-wife. She is really sweet & they have done a wonderful job raising their kids.  She was very complimentary of EE & seemed to really respect him as a person & a dad.  We end up leaving there at about 1:30 I think and I’m having a hard time staying awake in the car.  We get back to his house to drop off the kids (they are all adults, which is totally weird for me.  31, 28 & 26, I think there is just 2 years between each). And he’s exhausted too & so we talk about me just staying there the night & he’ll take me back in the morning “or you can take the car & come back” …  ok as much as I’d love to drive that car, I don’t know where I’m going & am totally lost!  So I just ask him if he’s got a t-shirt to sleep in.  So he finds one, but no toothbrush.  I really hate that part.

And so somehow I find myself in his bed, in his shirt, in his arms, all tangled up.  And it is the most amazing feeling.  We kiss, we talk. I “accuse” him of that being his evil plot all along.  He just laughs.  I’m trying so hard to stay detached & I don’t know that I’m doing a very good job.  It’s almost more intimate than sex.  We finally go to sleep.

In the morning, he wakes me up with a kiss & a smile.  More kissing & touching.  More talking.  He’s having trouble with the “what is this” part.  “I don’t really know how to date anymore? Do we just have this weekend & then not talk to each other for 2 days, how does it all work” sort of thing.  I tell him I’m really struggling with that part too.  “Just have to pick that path that honors who we are”. “Being with you makes me feel so good.  I can’t stop thinking about you”. Ditto dude.  He’s got his hands in my hair, and on my back, and everywhere.  They are so soft and yet so strong.  And he is so gentle.  And I’m amazed at his self-control.

He gets me into the hotel, so I can shower & change & then it will be time to leave.  How did it go by so fast?  He walks me in, gives me a hug and kiss.  Tells me to let him know where he fits. Right by my side, dude.  That’s where you fit.  Not sure if I’m gutsy enough to say it yet.

The 3 of us get the car packed up & ready to go.  We drive by dark horse so I can take a picture.  And then it is on to the highway.  JB is in the backseat, she’s feeling crummy.  So T & I talk.  He gives me some advice.  It makes sense, but contradicts some of what I thought I wanted to do.  His thinking is you only get 1 go-around on this planet so make sure you get as much out of it as you can & be bold.  I end up falling asleep trying to figure it all out.  JB says to go with my heart, what does it say?  It says I’m happy when I’m with him.

He sends me a message when we’re between Huntington & Wabash so we chat for a bit.  When I get home I eat a bit, watch some TV then do some house work.  Then it’s time for supper & go get the boys.  He had said earlier to give him a call on the drive if I wanted.  So I did. And we talk.  He was so glad we came up, he had a good time.  I was so glad he invited (not really, it was more JB but… he was an excellent tour guide).  And I told him that if I had my choice, I would want to spend more time with him & see him again, if the opportunity were available.  He said I did have my choice, so I told him my choice was that I wanted to keep seeing him, spending time with him, getting to know him.  And he said he’d like that.

“I wanted to sneak you off a couple of times last night” “Oh, you should have, I was wondering if there were any dark corners in there”… and then later “I was very proud to have you there with me”.  Wow, that was a really, really big one for me.  Coming from him.  He said I did just fine & seemed to really get along with everyone.   I agreed with it.  I did do OK.

So where does this leave us?  I don’t know.  Am I his girlfriend? Is he my boyfriend?  Are we dating?  Are we just friends? I need a label but I don’t have one yet & I’m afraid to put one on it.  I so don’t want to get hurt again.  JB doesn’t think I will be.  Just one day at a time.  So hard.  I am so sleepy! Think I’m going to send him an email and then scoot to bed.

long & winding road

It is Saturday & T&J & I am here, safely.  After the freak snowstorm Thursday we were all a bit worried that it would go through but it did.
Friday I had 3 more interviews.  It is so hard to find good talent that will also mesh well with your company & your team… When I got into work, I had a very lovely email waiting for me from EE.  Mostly just finishing out some details, but some sweet stuff too.  Most of which was “if I wake up in time, maybe I can drag you out to lunch before I head up”.  So I sent a reply back to his account that he would see after work & said “absolutely!  How does 1 sound?” and sure enough, who was there in his cute little G5 at 1300?  And not only that, but it put him behind schedule of when he wanted to leave.  We go to the pasta bar @ Eugenia’s in the Honeywell Center.  It is very tasty, fast & mostly healthy which I love all the way around.  And not expensive.  I’m finally getting to point where I am mostly comfortable with him & finding things to talk to him about.  For those of you who really know me, you will find it odd that I don’t always know what to say to people, but it really does take me a while to not feel awkward. He drops me off, we kiss & I don’t really want to go back in, which I tell him.  But I have to.
Remarkably the afternoon goes very quick, after my shift is done I went & got my new specs, I love them!  I can actually see again!  I had no idea that my old ones had gotten so bad.  I’m still getting used to the new script when using the laptop but mostly I’m OK. I got the boys picked up at Little Friends, they got a snow day out of the deal, and then off to Kokomo.  007 falls asleep on the way.  Poor boy is just like his mamma.  I’m really concerned that he doesn’t get enough sleep but I’m not sure I can realistically change too much.  The X and I talk a bit, and the boys switch over.  I hate letting them go & watching them drive off, but I’m sure it’s hard for him in reverse when I take them back home.   I pop into the mall because I want to get a pair of these:
 

But I think they are more hot pink than this, so I go into the store.  They don’t have my size!!!!!  They have a silver pair, but that’s not what I want.  They have a black pair, and I do want those, they would look so cute with a little black dress!! So he tells me they can ship them to my house….schweet!  so those are on order….  JB texts me if I remembered my suit, since the hotel has a swimming pool.  I didn’t, so I need to stop by the house to get.  Might as well pick up the camera too.  Then I head to their house, they are not ready to go yet.  Come on people!! ;)  We finally get on the road & I fall asleep just south of MI and she lets me snooze (T is snoozing in the back).  She calls EE to let him know we’re close.  I can’t believe we are finally almost here!  We get checked in, have a bit of trouble finding the dark horse, but then do….
http://www.darkhorsebrewery.com/index-entrance.asp
And oh my gosh!  His daughter & 1 son are there.  Now I am totally freaking!!!  But I’m trying to relax.  He gives me a hug & kiss & that helps.  It takes me a bit to get acclimated, but I do finally.  The beer is really good, the pub is just really cool.  There are mugs everywhere.  Hand-drawn art in the bathroom stalls.  Lots of atmosphere & non-smoking so totally loving it.  We get a greek chicken pizza & it goes really well with the beer. Reminds me of when I worked for Pythia & Vasilis would order from http://www.bazbeaux.com/ for lunch.  YUMMY!
We close the place down, but then they closed at midnight which was weird.  By this point, I’m comfortable with both the kids, they are funny & smart.  Very sharp & easy to talk to.  She’s in school over in Chicago, he builds racing sailboats.  He drives me back to the hotel, and we sit in the back and make out for quite a bit.  The windows were really, really steamy.  And there is a lot more room in those cars than what you think there will be.  And he said again “I just didn’t think I would like you as much as what I do” and so I finally had the nerve to say “dude, what is that supposed to mean!?!?”.  And he said “I had all these plans before I met you, I figured I’d be down here a couple years and then go back home.  Now, I just don’t know. I think about you all the time”.  “No you don’t!”  “Yes, yes I do.”  OK wow.  I think about him all the time.  I mean all the time.  All the time.  I’ve tried to stop, it’s detrimental to my health, sanity & everything else.  This is just sooo not what I had planned, had in mind or even thought I wanted.  It is making me think long & hard about stuff.  We are finally able to cease & desist long enough to drive around front & get me inside.  T&J are already asleep, sh*t! hadn’t thought about that, don’t want to be rude & wake them up.  So I try to get ready really quiet.It’s about 3 when I get to bed, then I was up at 7:30 and on the treadmill.  Walked 1.5 miles in 30 minutes, really not too bad.  Legs felt really a lot better after being in the car for 4 hours yesterday.  He had told me to give him a call if I wanted to do breakfast in the AM.  T&J did not want to, I did, but I’m not a big fan of hotel breakfasts (oh, I’ll do them) so I gave him a jingle “give me 20 I just woke up”.  And true to his word he was here about 40 minutes later.  We went downtown Marshall to Rosa’s, a very nice little diner & sat & talked & ate our breakfast.  And like really talked.  Talked about family, kids, my mom.  Some meaty stuff.  Finally.  We walk down to the bakery, he gets some cinnamon rolls for his kids at the house, some pecan rolls for T&J and some stuffed cookies for 009 & 007.  We walk back down to the car & keep talking.  I told him about the river trip Johnny @ church wants to do.  He talks about kayaking & camping that he likes to do with the kids.  About in the spring how he wants to come up & get his bikes to take back down south & the camping he wants to do over the summer.   He said “those are the plans I had to do before I met you”.  “They sound fun , you should still do them“  “well, now, I think if you’d like to go with me, that would be really fun.” “I think we could work something out”.  And then we get to the car.  For real, did that really just happen?  Like “long distance” kind of planning into the future?  More than just lunch next week? I call T&J to see what they are doing, they are still here.  T comes out to eat his pecan roll with us in the lobby while J gets ready.  More really good talking, then it’s time for him to leave & have lunch with his mom & kids.  So I came back here to work on my playlists & send this.  Getting ready to take a nap.  It’s nice & quiet & I probably need it before tonight….

Crazy little thing called love....

Well, that’s probably too strong a word, but definitely LIKE fits!  So I should probably be paying my bills because Jilly Bean is going to be calling any minute, but I’d rather be ruminating over my little lunch date with little hottie EE. I have yet to really understand my attraction to him, but there is no denying IT IS THERE!

I got done with my first phone interview, and he’s early, messaged me, found the place OK.  I’m a little embarrassed/nervous that he’s in my office, but I try to get past it.  Have to answer a few questions for Hobbit before we can go. He’s driving that cute little G6 & damned if it’s not a 5 on the floor.  For real?!?  Can’t he just be typical for 1 minute?  I was pretty sure I was the only person left who still drove a stick. Sigh.  As we’re driving, his hand comes over almost immediately to my thigh.  I hold it in mine.  We go to Market Street and sit in the window.  I’m having a hard time looking at him while we are talking because I know I’m grinning like  an idiot & I’m sure everything I’m thinking is being broadcast through my eyes.  I really need to work on that, it will be OK.  I get a cup of chili, he gets a club.  We talk.  Somehow we get on the subject of UPSs and generators & I’m just amazed at how much he knows & how smart he is.  We talk about EDS rebuilding his laptop again, the crazy devices on the floor they want to add AV to (and don’t need for pete’s sake!)  and a whole lot of other stuff.  He realizes I’m going to be late.  So we leave, he gives me his coat to wear because I didn’t bring mine along and of course I have clogs on & the sidewalk & parking lot are slippery but I guess it gives me a chance to hold on for dear life!  We get to the car, he’s got to fish the keys out of the jacket pocket I’m now wearing, gives me a hug, and we start kissing.  Don’t want to stop.  EVER.  Told him last week I think I could kiss him forever.  He told me he’d give me at least a few hours to stop.  Get ourselves under control & get in the car.  More kissing. He drives back to the office, more kissing.  I REALLY don’t want to get out of the car.  But I have to. I get inside & Big is just grinning at me all the time, and Vinnie is looking at me funny.  What did he tell him!?!?!?  Course at this point I’m acting like a total dork cause I just had one of the best lunches in my life.

So I get through the rest of the afternoon OK, another phone interview. Tons of problems, more than I know what to do with, my brain is swelling & itching & I’m completely overwhelmed.  I’m a few minutes late picking up 009, again.  I hate that.  When we get home, all I want to do is sit & daydream about kissing that man, talking to him & a million other things.  He says I put a smile on his face, he should see the one he puts on mine, I think sometimes my face is going to go numb.

I am scared to death.  I’ve been down this relationship road before.  I’ve felt these feelings.  It always ends badly.  Maybe not at first, but it does.  Either because I made stupid choices with my actions or ,well, because I made stupid choices in who I chose.  I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE THAT AGAIN.  I want to guard myself against him & his evil jedi powers, but find myself very incapable.  I find myself after saying I don’t want someone around all the time to really being able to see myself around him.  A lot.  That scares me.  There are so many things too up in the air.  Things without labels & definitions, without neat little bins to put them in. too many unknowns.  Not sure I can deal with that.  Really struggling.  I know I should just let go & have fun, but the one thing I’ve learned from therapy is that because I what I went though when I was a kid, control is a huge thing of importance for me.  I feel in control when I can define, label, sort & know.  THIS DOES NOT FALL INTO THIS.  I’m riding high one minute & scared to death the next.

This is the first someone has been interested in me for 18 months, really.  The wrestler doesn’t count, Bulldog doesn’t count.  This is the first one with potential.  What if I’m just interested in him because I’m lonely and craving attention?  I don’t think I am.  But I didn’t think that was the case with the Recruiter either.  But looking back now, I think I was. I AM SO MESSED UP!

Let me call you sweetheart...

So did EE really just call me that on the phone?  We were discussing our lunch plans, apparently I left out some critical details like where & when (could that have been a subconscious thing so we’d have to talk?) and he said “well, sweetheart, I don’t want to keep you up any later (he knows I have to go to bed early)….”  Wow, it almost flew under my radar….almost…

So for all of you work brats out there, I’m not telling you anything other than he’s picking me up at the office!!!! Oo la la!  I am already so very excited, I can’t stand it!  Probably won’t be able to sleep!  Why can I not get this man out of my head!?!  Seriously!

On another note, had a good dinnertime with my older male sibling unit, male parental unit & 2 male offspring tonight.  The food was so-so except 009’s shrimp, shouldda got that!, but the company was very good.  He (bro) stopped by the house for a bit before crashing at dad’s & it was good to be able to actually converse & hear him.

Conducted my first phone interview today… L

Good night, all!

Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door

Wow, what a great weekend!  Saturday night EE sends me a really sweet text to say hi & tell me he’s getting ready for work.  “what a shame I’m not there to help you” “Yes, I was just thinking it’s going to be a long time until next weekend & it took a long time to get focused last night at work” “yes, you are reading my mind! I’ll be thinking about you tonight” “Call if you can’t sleep”.  So I tried to call him, but apparently he had to be out on the floor = very noisy & didn’t hear his phone. 

Sunday I gave the message at church, got very many compliments.  I’ll share it on here later, it is long…  Sunday night he messages me again first, and says “let me know when a good time is to call” so I tell him and then I tell him “it’s late, I gotta go to bed, but bummed I’ll not be able to talk to you.  I’ll have sweet dreams if you are in them” “you know I’ll be thinking of you too!”

So this morning, since he’s gone first the past couple times, I messaged him before work got crazy just a “hey before things get busy hope you had a great day” sort of thing. “Hope you have a great one too & that I’m not bugging you too much, I’m just going to take care of my meat & then go to bed” WHAT?!?! “I made roast for sandwiches to take to work, what were you thinking?!?!” oh you SOOO don’t want to know what I was thinking!  Already had to do that a couple of times, sheesh! “no, you are not bugging me, you can bug me more if you want…and thanks for clarifying cuz I’m not going to admit what I was thinking!”  to which I got a “bad girl, go to my room! How about lunch sometime, I would get up in the middle of the night…”  WOW but how could I ask him to do that? “yes I would love to, but don’t want to ask you to do that.”  “oh, I think you are worth loosing a little sleep!”  WOW, really???!!!

You know, the recruiter would try and go out of his way to have lunch with me & it would really just sort of drive me crazy as he would reschedule the hell out of his appointments to make it happen.  No amount of “dude, it’ll work out when it’s supposed to” ever made a difference.  If he wasn’t bent completely around backwards, then he just didn’t feel like he was trying enough.  It was stressful!  I hope that’s not the path we’re going down now, but I don’t think it is as with the recruiter, we would already have the next 3 lunch dates planned out, at least in his head.  It never felt very genuine.

This guy so far is not hands-off, but at least respectful of my space.  I was bummed no email, but maybe I should log into work & send him a short little one…  Maybe I should just use my personal one…

Sunshine calls him my boyfriend already.  I said no, not yet, but maybe.  I’d like it.

What is it about this guy?  Very different from any other guy I’ve dated.  Seems to respect me as a person.  And like me as a person, not just another lay.  He’s smart, knows how to fix things with his hands, has done things I can only dream of.  He’s got this wicked sense of humor that is so spot on.  Very unpretentious. Low key, doesn’t scream “look at me”.  He excites my mind & my body.  It seems a great combination.  JB&T both really like him  & seem to think we are good together.  I don’t want to get hopeful. What if it ends just like all the others?  I don’t think I could take that.

He said Friday “I didn’t think I would like you as much as what I do”…what does that mean?  Am I ever going to stop overanalyzing things?

I talked with D&K Saturday night, and she was asking me questions about him.  Was surprised I was interested in an older man.  But she said something that just really struck me.  “it is so good to hear your voice happy.  You’ve just been so down lately”.  And she’s right.  My world has not been right.  I’ve been lonely.  Do I just respond to him because he’s shown interest in me & I’m lonely or is there more to it?  I want there to be more, a lot more, to it.  I’ve been praying so much because I’m not sure my thinking is very clear on it.  I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing.  And while sometimes I feel silly & girly (it has always been hard for me to talk about affairs of the heart) to talk to her about him, and I really shouldn’t as she is not going to judge me or condemn me, I realize I’m totally excited to talk about him & how light I feel & well, happy.

Just a lot of thought swirling around in my head with a mixture of daydreaming….

Also worked more in my Wounded Heart book.  The contempt chapter really spoke to me.  I never realized that was what I was doing, but it was sooo me.  Deflecting anger, deflecting complements, double-lives, not trusting God, putting myself down, at war with myself, putting down others.  Absolutely crazy, painful stuff.  But I know to be a more complete person, I got to dig through this.

Been working extra around the house to be more ready for next weekend, I am SO VERY EXCITED!  Also been working on a fun mini book for 009’s birthday in March.

June 2009 Flickr Upload - Transportation Museum St. Louis

http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ for the full upload, but here are my favorites….

I was just amazed at how many trains they had here.  I could have spent even more time going through stuff.  Unfortunately I picked the hottest day of summer to go!

I am a sucker for knobs, gears, dials and wheels!

Like I said, hottest day, they were dying!!

I know some would say the flare on this one is bad, but I think it gives it a really cool look myself…

Remember what I said about wheels….

008 looking so cute!

Inside a tanker car, SO COOL!

We are hot & tired can we PLUULEAAAZE just go now?

It was one of our best family trips yet.  Part of it is I think me getting the hang of being a single parent of young, active children, part of it is them growing up a bit. It’s always a challenge, but I am so thankful & grateful that I go ahead and do it anyway as the rewards are SO worth it.  We still talk about this trip & the goofy stuff that happened. Like me getting lost, even with the Garmin.

 

See and download the full gallery on posterous

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Ain't even done with the night....

Great Mellencamp song here…check it out…

not the best video, but classic Mellencamp pose & the song of course is amazing….

OK, so I have a bit to catch up here…

Tuesday and Wednesday EE & I send back & forth some fun texts & emails.  Wednesday in Kokomo for the boys, I get my toes re-done as I can’t have nasty feet when I go up there in a week & a half (I can’t believe it’s only that far away!) Thursday I go to choir & JB  & I message back & forth. I get home & find that dad wants to take the boys swimming Friday night.  So I tell Jill “Hey, I’m free tomorrow night & I’d really like someone to ask me out.  She says “just ask him!” “No, it has to be his idea!”  “Fine, I need to call him about our trip later so I’ll make sure to mention it somehow”.  Schweet!  She calls back later “OK, he definitely wants to get together.  If he doesn’t hear from you tonight, he’ll get a hold of you in the morning”.  So I on purpose don’t send him a message before I went to bed & that was hard, but I really wanted it to be him.  And I thought when I got up there would be something from him but there was not.  So I told myself it would be OK, you’ll have an email.  So I got the 2 crazy monkeys ready & out the door, got to work & there is NO EMAIL!  Now I’m having a panic attack that I’ve already scared him off!  So I break down I send him a message about “You ok, did you have a busy night?” Kind of thing.  Apparently crazy busy.  “Tried to send you an email but keep getting distracted.  Would you like to catch up sometime over the weekend?”  “Absolutely, as it would happen to be, I have tonight open”.  So we make arrangements to just have a glass of wine at his house.  He sends me the address. I am cranked all day over this!  Can’t stop thinking about kissing him & wanting to kiss him more.

Finally it is time to leave work, I get the boys home & fed, dad comes to get them & they decide they want to spend the night with him.  Even cooler, so I don’t have to leave at like 20:30-21:00.  He has to be at work at 22, so I’d have to leave around 9:30-9:45 anyway.  So I find his house, very nice, not your typical bach pad.  It’s in a subdivision which he hates, but….  He kisses me, we get some wine, and then sit on the sofa to talk.  He’s got music playing & I love it.  Loud enough to hear, not too loud to interfere.  And he takes my hand & starts just rubbing it, caressing it.  Or hand on my leg.  He discovers my feet are a bit cold so he puts a blanket on them & I’m all toasty warm.  He’s toasty warm.

We talk shop for a bit.  Apparently we have more in common here than what I realize.  They use a lot of the stuff our automation division supports.  Note to self, talk to the Golden Child & have him explain all about HMI stuff.  And I’m realizing how much fun it is to actually have an intellectual conversation with someone again.  That is one area that the recruiter & lacked.  He was so nice & sweet, but couldn’t really understand any of what I did.  I missed that from when Bob & I were first together.  And it’s just so much fun to listen to him & talk to him.  And he’s really only kissed me the one time since I got there.  I thought that was, well, different.  All the guys at work were like “you know he wants you there for really only 1 reason”.  Yea…been there.  Done that… got the t-shirt too.

And we are slowly moving closer to each other, he’s still touching me & it feels like a gigantic mind frak I’m getting so turned on by all of it.  And then he starts kissing me.  And he’s kissing my neck & his beard tickles & gives me goosebumps & it feels so yummy!  And I absolutely loved nibbling on his ear.  Wow.  And he asks me if I like the beard.  TOTALLY!  I think it looks great on him, but I am partial to facial hair.  The wrestler had this amazing lumberjack beard…but I digress…

So we are still kissing & talking & I somehow end up on his lap & that was fun.  And at this point he’s in the danger zone for being late to work. And I told him he was going to have to kick me out.  He never did, so I told him “well, you could always tell them you were late because you had a pretty girl sitting in your lap! Surely they would understand that?”.  He laughed “They’d never expect me to say that”.  Huh, don’t sell yourself too short.  So he finally says “I hate being the adult!” and then he goes to change clothes for work.  So I wander around & look at the pictures on his walls.  1 for each of his kids, 3, and several of him flying jets and planes.  Damn.  And then I spot the 6 string on the stand off to the side.  Now I am a complete fucking goner because by the way, he’s also got great arms.  I am so doomed.  If he says he also goes to church It is over!  What in the hell am I going to do & I gotta wait another week before I see him again?  I don’t think I can handle that!!!  How did I get from “I really only want someone that I can see every couple of weeks & it not really be all that serious” to thinking the thoughts that are going through my head?!

He also gives me a tour of the house.  It’s cute, second bedroom upstairs is full of his flight suits.  HOT DAMN!  What am I going to do?  Got to see a picture of his bikes, they are smokin’ too.  The ducati is race yellow.  The deuce is sweet too.  I think I would look damn hot on the back of it!  I’ve so got issues.  He makes his lunch in a nice HD lunch bag, he’s got HD coffee mugs.  Hardwood floors.  Amish hand-made furniture.  He was soooooo late to work.  Ouch.  But I have a big grin on my face & he didn’t once try to get in my pants.  It took all my willpower to stay out of his. I can feel him pressed up against me & it is really so not helping.

My hand fucking smells like him.  Still.

He likes that I’m tall.  Wow, that is an all-time first, but apparently it puts my neck at the right place and “I fit”.  I’d like to see how he fits….

He’s got his big, bad-ass large-block V8 black Chevy truck in the garage & tools around in a little yellow Pontiac G6.  Stick a fork in me… It’s not quite the Camero of my dreams….but…

Just another quickie

Work today made my brain itch.  Trying to work on the bank customer that we have 9 million things to do, our own internal stuff, looking for another team member.  YIKES! At least the phones didn’t ring too much.  Sunshine was out sick & the HH was out taking a test….

Let’s see… to catch up….

Sunday wen’t really well, found out Bekah’s substitute bus driver used to be Gerhard, she didn’t even know he was CoB.  It was too funny… she was like “I’ve just always know him as the crazy German mechanic dude that used to drive the bus!”  They did a really great job & my brother should be very proud of them!

And JB and I do a bit of girlie talk because she seems to think EE is like captivated with me or something.  I think she’s smoking something.  So she tells me that if we’re going to go on this trip, then I have to get some of the “foundational” conversations out of the way so it’s not so awkward.  “OK, I’ll try”, I tell her, but I’m nervous as hell to do this without my wingman.

Later that day, I send him a text… he responds back…. I respond back….he responds back…back & forth, just mostly innocent stuff.  He suggests I stop by his house on the way to Kokomo, but he lives over by Marion & it’s not on my way, and I’m scared and there’s stuff I’m trying to get done, so I decline, which I know was the right thing to do because I’m too afraid of what would have probably happened if I went and I don’t want it to just yet.  Maybe someday.  But I want to be friends first, go slow.  But I call him on the way.  He works 3^rd so he was waking up for the day by this point.  Would be totally weird.  We talk for quite a bit, but it’s weird because he doesn’t really ask any questions & I’m wondering how in the world we’re ever going to get to know each other if he doesn’t and then I think maybe I talk so much/too much he doesn’t have to, and then I think maybe he’s only interested in 1 thing so he doesn’t really care and then I just end up with a headache and try to stop trying to figure it out.

Monday morning after his shift he sent me a nice little note & I responded back.  Monday night I logged into work email & sent him a note, since I had his email on his card.  Thought that might be safe.  Didn’t really say much, just a hi & some cheese-bally stuff, since I’m a big dork anyway.  And then I’m feeling dorky and desperate & suffocating for sending it & wishing I hadn’t.  The last thing I want to do is turn into the recruiter.

When I told Cheryl about the weekend, she was like “wow, so he’s leaving you in control” (regarding him not asking me for my number, but giving me his card instead) and she thought that was pretty neat.  I did too.

So now I find myself thinking about him a lot, which is kind of silly since I don’t really even know him, thinking back on that kiss and how I want to do it again.  How I want to get to know him, how he’s incredibly interesting & intriguing.  And scared out of my wits that he really just wants to get in my pants and that he could care less about the whole rest of the package. And trying so hard to not get caught up in it.  Please help me with that part….

Once, twice...

Today was good.  I got up about 8:30 & got showered & dorked around before I needed to get ready to go to Fort Wayne.  Had a very interesting message from someone new on the site. HOT.  Very surprising. Did I mention HOT?  On the way back through town & decided to get my hair done for tonight because I hate having to do it myself if I want anything other than “the usual”.  It ended up being much more expensive than I thought.  Maybe next time I’ll try one of the other places.

I got to Charley Creek about 15 minutes late.  EE was not there, but Jill was so we stood around & talked to Lee & Rob.  Then he walks through the door.  And I’m very awkward at first, I can’t find my groove & luckily Jill’s got enough of it for both of us.  So we do the testing thing & then go into the bar.  Bartender is there again tonight, but it is so crazy busy we don’t get much time to flirt too much.  But it does give me a chance to talk to EE a bit.  He flies.  Wow.  You know I’m a sucker for that!  And he’s got 2 bikes! A Deuce and a Ducati…..FRAK ME!  Go slow, elle, a guy is more than just a bike & a plane.  It will be my undoing.  I do just want to take it slow but geez, never thought it would be so hard.

We ended up closing it down again tonight, but an hour earlier, at least, as I need to get up & be with the students tomorrow for church.  My brother’s students are leading service tomorrow & I need to be there early.  And he bought my drinks, well, he picked up my bill when Bartender gave it to me.  And then walked me out to the car.  And I gave him a hug good bye & he gives me his card with his number.  I guess that is the safe ‘10s way of doing things…  And then somehow we are kissing.  And it’s a sweet kiss, but oh how I’m wanting it to be more.  I’m holding back, totally wanting to totally unleash it all.  And then I’m kind of mad at myself because I want to go slow & I’ve only known this guy for 24 hours & I’m already kissing him? I barely know him.

And he reminds me so much of the Fairfax fireman that I used to have a thing for.  And that really complicates it.  Because I had totally fallen for him.  What am I going to do? I need to be so careful, go soo slow.  JB managed to find out there are some microbreweries up by where EE is from in Michigan.  So somehow she’s orchestrated a road trip up there on the 26^th.  Looks like I’ll need to re-schedule my massage appointment.  I’m so scared & excited all at the same time.  We’ll be staying in a hotel though.  Which is better.  Think I have some recon I need to do.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend....

So, yea, it’s late, but I want to get this down before I forget & maybe it well help me sleep. 

I was at work like 45 minutes & I get a call from Little Friends that 009 fell & busted his head open.  So I go get him there is blood everywhere & they’re trying to get him calmed down & cleaned up.  I take him over to Duke’s.  They got him cleaned up a bit more & determine it’s good for glue, so he decides that instead of stitches.  We get back in the car to head home & he was like “can I watch a show when we get home?” “Dude?!?! You are going to school, didn’t you hear the nurse say you were OK?”  NOOOOOOOOOO!  Lol

Get back to work and try to figure out the PIX box that has been driving me crazy & then also some stupid WMI stuff that I can’t quite get.  I know I’m close, but I’m missing something.  Then it is time to leave & take the boys to Kokomo.  I’m so tired I’m falling asleep at the wheel, so I pull out the iPOD and that helps.  And I am so looking forward to the wine night at Charley Creek with Jilly Bean.  I’ve got my sweater on that keeps falling off my shoulders, and if I do say so myself, I’ve got hot shoulders.  I stop by the house first to fix my hair, face & lips.  And spray some good smelly stuff on.

We get there and hardly anyone is there.  There is Nathaniel who looks like a very young Matt Damon.  He’s very cute.  And there is Owen who serves me the Ice Wine.  It is very yummy, and so is he.  So we get done with all of it & decide to go into the bar.  There’s a German dude from the local dairy (the big one on the way to Marion) & he & JB start yacking it up and that is soo funny.  And then Mr. T walks in.  I knew he was there, he had stopped to say hi earlier.  And he is DRUNK!  Wow.  Like can’t remember where he is or what he’s doing.  And JB’s all over him trying to get me to be too.  But I don’t.  He’s too drunk.

But I am so on my A-Game with the bartender.  He served at Tom’s party, that was the first I had seen him & he was there for New Year’s Eve too.  Not sure if he remembers me, but I certainly remember him.  He’s young, but     so     very    hot!  Dark hair, blue eyes.  Yummy.  And we are just flirting & having a good time.  And it feels so good to flirt with someone when it has the potential to lead someplace.  And there are a few times when we make eye contact that my heart is on a roller coaster ride!  Crazy crazy crazy!

And then JB starts chit chatting with another guy down at the end of the bar.  We’ll call him EE.  He’s quieter.  Drinking a Guinness – impressive, not many around here can handle that beer.  I miss them!  And she finds out that he also really likes wines so she invites him to the wine thing tomorrow because she’s going to go too.  And she’s trying to get me to go back & I’m seriously considering.  The guy seems well mannered, well spoken.  She really likes him & she’s better at that than me.  She keeps talking me up to him & that makes me very embarrassed.  He thinks I’m intimidating.  Great.  I don’t get that.  But now I’m starting to talk to him too & the more I do, the more he seems pretty OK.  But you know me, I’m working it still pretty hard with Bartender.  I am in the moment, in my element, drinking it all in & trying to enjoy the flirting, the banter & the attention.

So we end up closing the place down.  EE steps back to allow me to go through the door first & puts his hand on the small of my back.  Now, maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned, but that just seems to be a very gentlemanly thing to do.  Made a huge impression.  He said he was going to come tomorrow, and now I’m really, really intrigued.  He’s not overly tall.  I do really like them tall, but it is not a show stopper.  Tom had asked me earlier, thinking I liked shorter men. I said, “no not really, I like them taller”.  And he said, “what gives, the EX is short”.  And I said, “yea, I just really like them all!”

There was a fireman celebrating his birthday.  He comes over to talk for a bit.  He’s also young.  And drunk.  But it was fun.

And while all of this is going on, I am just wanting to get FRAKED!  And fraked hard.  JB said I had 3 possibilities, but I didn’t see it.  If that were true, someone (not me!) should have made a move.  But no one did, as I’m sitting here by myself.  My whole body was humming with wanting to be kissed & daydreaming about what I would have done with any of the 3 of them.  Maybe even 6 if you count all of them up.  But I was left very unfulfilled.  Maybe next time.  I’ll let you know if I go tomorrow.

Speaking of tall, one of the guys that works for a customer of ours is so cute and he’s like 6’8”!  but I don’t think he really knows I exist.

Tears of a Clown

Today was just….awful…. mainly I suppose because I let myself get rattled and then it is just a slippery slope.  I was trying to fix something that I just absolutely have no idea how to fix, I’ve been avoiding it & now the BR MGR is getting irritated because it’s still an annoying popup on his screen.  He’s not technical, he doesn’t understand, nor does he really give 2 shits that we are down 2 men from where we want to be.  We actually now have 1 more person than when I started.  So now my boss is upset & wanting me to document everything in case HIS boss decides to get in on the action, and why do we have so many old tickets anyway?!?  He knows the answer, but he’s frustrated just like me.  So I am making my forehead bloody, Sunshine offers to help but I’m just in a bad mood.  I’m just trying to do what I’ve been told to do, no creative thinking going on here.  And he’s trying to be helpful & say all the right things “don’t let it get to you, why are you so worked up over it”, etc.  Finally he says “helping you when you are frustrated is as bad as trying to help me when I am frustrated – worthless!”  Yea, he’s absolutely right.  He leaves, I start crying at my desk. Geez, what the frak is wrong with me. I am having a mental breakdown, I’m actually having a panic attack, which I don’t do – ever – and that is making me panic more.  I am a world-class freak, and I’m definitely not setting a very good example for anyone else there.  And we just have too much to do & they just keep heaping it on.  I can’t see straight.

I heard that Blankie doesn’t like his nickname, so I guess I’ll go to BB, but that was Brian’s….  I thought it was very clever & cuddly & warm & cozy, but ….

And then 009 is calling me wondering where I am because I’m late, luckily I was right there & he forgave me.  Then they ate supper with their dad.  So I pedaled & watched some TV to try and get the elephant off of my chest.  It said I did 500 calories worth.  That would be lovely for 40 minutes.  My waist measured 32.  I remember when it used to be 25.  I remember when I used to work at Pythia & Darren would always freak out because his thigh was bigger around than my waist & I thought it was cute.  And I thought he was cute.  But he was married.  But I didn’t have my rules then.  But we didn’t.

So I decided to check my email & I had one from match.  I had been emailing off & on one of my “matches’.  So he responds back that he had started dating someone, wasn’t sure where it was going to go & wanted to know if it didn’t work out could he contact me again (I’ve not EVER handed out my personal stuff, I refuse, only the site).  And at first I was thinking, yea good luck to you dude, sure drop me a note.  But now that I’ve had time to think about it, what the fuck??!?!  I’m insulted!  I’m not going to be your fallback position any more than I’ll be the wrestler’s!  So I’ve just come to the conclusion that it. is. just. never. going. to. happen.  There is NO point in having hope it is just a monkey on my back.  I am apparently too fat, too ugly, too weird or too something for anyone to ever really take interest in who I truly am.  What I want does not exist.

At choir practice the wrestler’s mom is not there again, her sister-in-law was very ill on Sunday & they did not expect her to survive.  Chances are he was in Ohio too. And why do I even care?  Why did I even notice the other Sunday that the jarhead sticker was off his back bumper.  Because I can’t help myself.  Can someone please just suck that memory out of my head?  Just like I…. well, never mind…

And I cried on the way there, and I cried on the way back.  I think I’m having a midlife crisis.  I just don’t even want to exist anymore.  I am just putting 1 foot in front of the other and I don’t even know why except for those 2 boys upstairs asleep.  007 came down earlier, just to sleep in my lap.  And that made me cry.  Getting stuck in my driveway made me cry, my furnace made me cry, my frozen pipes tonight made me cry.  I am an emotional freak.  A train wreck.

I’ve been thinking about my message on the 20^th.  About doing it on obedience.  And how Abraham was so obedient he was willing to sacrifice his son.  And how God was so honored by that obedience that he delivered a ram instead.  And how I feel like Abraham.  All he ever wanted was a son, a successor to the family.  All I ever wanted was the white picket fence.  And then I thought I had it.  And then it was taken away.  No ram for me.  And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men aren’t going to be able to put it back together again.  And they’re not even going to be able to give me a newer, shinier one.  And I wonder how in the world Paul was ever able to be content being the prisoner.  Sure, it was “just” house arrest, but he was shackled, in the basement.  Never to see the light of day again, to feel the sunlight on his face.  And I think that is me.  And somehow I have to be able to feel content knowing that is all that I will get.  But I can’t because my heart longs & yearns for more.  2 men, both obedient.  One blessed worldly, the other, not.

Wow, it’s late, I guess I need to get to bed & be rested up so that I can start this mess all over again.  Tomorrow is always another chance, right? Tomorrow is the wine & chocolate extravaganza at Charley Creek with Jilly Bean.  Who knows what that might bring, right?

On a good note, the credit card remains paid off now for 4 weeks, totally cool.  I’ve been paying extra on my bike, but I paid double-extra on it this time.  In fact, I’m thinking if I make the “extra” payment every week I’ll have it paid off by May.  I’m so totally considering it.  And on Monday I’ll have my emergency fund back at the recommended level & I’ll start making a larger deposit too the week after.  Go me!

Hopefully this week I can make it to FISH.

Code Blue!

So today at work Bill L & Kevin from WatchGuard were in town doing some firewall training.  Some 101 stuff, as well as the “what’s new inFireware 11.4” stuff.  So all day long I got to hear about PAT, SNAT, 1-1 NAT, hairpinning vs. split brain DNS, SSL vs PPTP VPN, routed VPN vs. Bridged VPN and I think there is blood coming from my ears at this point.  I think I have completely maxed out my IRQ buffers.  My interrupt handlers are smokin’… captain, I’ve given ya all she’s got, I canna give ya any more…. There is a part of me that was like “I really wanted to just leave this all behind” and then there is this other weird, geeky part of me that is getting off on it because it is all just so…well, cool.  But 5 hours & 1 glass of wine & I still have a major case of brain hurt, ya know.

And this dude is like, hard-core.  He runs one of these boxes at home so he can log & report the activity his family does. SERIOUSLY!  Wow.  And me being the bad parent that I am, don’t have any parental controls at all & am gullible & naïve enough to think I don’t need it…yet.

And during this whole thing, Sunshine calls not once, but twice.  Mainly because, I guess, no one else handles his schedule in quite the special little way I do.  I have no idea.  It took forever for him to trust me & give me the time of day, now he doesn’t want anyone else.  I guess be careful what you ask for.  It’s not like The Hobbit or Blankie can’t do it too; they have the same access & abilities as me – and he knows I’m in training – and he STILL asks for me. Geez!

So Tuesday night we are reading Luke 1 and of course he is talking about the virgin Mary.  So 009 asks what a virgin is.  Oh frak!  Um, well, it is someone who’s not had sexual relations before.  What are sexual relations?  Well, you know, sex… no I don’t know. …. Well…. Like kissing & touching that a man & his wife would do…. What kind of touching….well, of privates….oh (now he’s blushing) I was ok until you said that. Then 007 says but someone at school told me no one should ever touch my privates….well, it’s ok if it is your wife & you say it’s ok….well, what if I say no?  then she shouldn’t.  but what if she says it’s not ok?  ….wellll…. then you don’t.  ….is the other person allowed to persuade???? Gently… yes, but never force, threaten or bribe…..oh….ok can we go back to reading now? (that was me!)

That was SERIOUSLY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION I’VE EVER HAD!  And I’ve had a lot of them….but maybe it will be easier next time.

So this AM was pretty cool, I even got to the office before the Karate Kid.  By 5 seconds.  That felt totally awesome.  And he did not stay up at my desk for 40 minutes to talk, so I actually got A LOT done before everyone else got there. That was totally cool.  Not that I mind what happened yesterday, but let’s face it, they aren’t paying me to sit around and chit chat.

I got to bed too late, so I need to make on-time tonight.  Tomorrow is choir & bill paying nite, so I probably won’t post.  And the EX is coming up to take the boys out to supper.  That should go well.  I pissed him off last time, I think.  I’ll try not to do that again, but I have a way of doing that…

Friday night, Jilly Bean & I are supposed to go out to Charley Creek Inn for a Wine & Chocolate event so maybe they’ll be some eye candy there to boot….maybe I’ll find me a little something-something…One can always have hope, right?

 

Just another day...

 Oh, what a good song by John Melloncamp!  We have a customer at work who hates our hold music.  He tends to be a little crotchety but I like him, he’s funny.  This is my first week trying to do the 7-4 shift since we lost Mr. YY.  So far, not gone so great.  Monday I had to have a heating dude come take a look at my stuff because the house is not warm.  The warmest it was over the 7 days since the blizzard was 63.  At one point it was down to 58.  Since it is only supposed to be 8 tomorrow, I really wanted to get it addressed.  Apparently there was nothing wrong other than the heat pump not being elevated enough so all the condensation was icing it over.  And by icing it over, I mean turning it into a frozen, rock hard lump of ice.  Antartica style.  So he switched me over completely to emergency heat & said call us when it thaws & we’ll jack it up.  Hope this doesn’t jack up my electric bill but it can’t be any worse than it running CONSTANTLY for like 8 hours straight.  So I’ve decided cooler actually isn’t so bad & have adjusted the schedule according cause it was acutally HOT when I came home Monday.  Guess the furnace works.

Downside to me going in early is the boys have to get up at 5:30 to go to Little Friends before school and they have to go to bed at 8.  So far they are adusting OK I think other than last night it being almost 9 before they were asleep.  Suprisingly not overly tired this AM.  Upside, is that if I can get my butt out of my chair at 4 when I should, I’ve got a fair amount of time in the evening.  Working on that part.  I’m picking 009 up after school Wed & Thur after battle of the books & math bowl so I hope that helps form the habit.  Cause that’s really all life is, habits. I don’t really need to give them any of my time for free.  However, I did get a raise, which is cool cuase 2 years ago, everyone got a pay cut.  This year, now, they’ve gotten it all back, which is also cool as everyone has worked very hard with a lot less to do more.  I think most every business can say that.  I think it’s a good sign that the wheels are starting to turn.

Speaking of habits, I got myself a pedal thing.  Not like a complete stationary bike, as I don’t have room for them & most of the seats are not “vagina-friendly” as I read in O magazine this week…gotta love that; it is a great way to describe it… but just one that sits on the floor & lets you sit in a normal chair.  So I do that, and read my magazines (obviously) or watch TV while I do it.  It is amazing, if the counter is to be believed, in a half-hour time, I can burn 300+ calories.  That is easily 3x what I can do on the rower.  Weird part, I’m more sweaty after the rowing.  So which one is the better deal? Not sure.  I wasn’t really losing any inches or firming anthing up with the rower so I became very disastified with the result in propertion to the effort.  Not sure this is going to be any better.  Last week we didn’t go to Kokomo & we won’t this week either so I will miss the 2 mile walk again, but I like saving the gas/money.

This morning, backing out of the snow-walled driveway (honestly not that bad, but 2+ feet in places…) I managed to get the car stuck & let a “shit” fly with the boys in the car. Not happy.  I was so going to be early/on time & I was so stoked as I’ve really struggled over the past year getting there before I’m supposed to be.  Had to change shoes. Dig out the car.  Texted my boss.  It acutally came out faster/easier than I thought, praise God. Got the boys to Little Friends, they had the door fixed where 007 “broke” it last night.  They are automatic sliders, but he ran into them & they are supposed to “give” and swing open.  It did,.  Just didn’t go shut, so they wouldn’t glide.  He said “Oh good, now I don’t have to feel so guilty anymore”  Poor guy, I felt bad for him because I knew he felt awful as soon as he did it, but he’s got to learn to chill it a bit too.  He went on to say maybe it was OK cause he learned he can’t do that.  That’s a step…

Sunshine laughed at me, but did say he would have helped pull me out I needed it.  He’s got a nice big truck.  He’s trying to sell it, I do like it, but I’d really like to get a charger or camero or mustang instead.  None of them practical on the ice, but then what wheeled vehicle is practical on the ice?  So I get there about 5 minutes late.  He comes up & starts talking & just like, well, keeps talking & we’re talking wreck stories.  Luckily I don’t have nearly as many, or as bad, as him.  But it makes me think back to a year ago when I just wasn’t even sure I could keep working with him because he could just be a dick.  But I stood up for myself over something & ever since then, well, we’ve had a pretty decent working relationship.  We talk & joke & flirt a bit.  We’ve even gone to lunch a couple of times, with Big. Too bad he’s married, I guess.  Although he needs to stop buzzing his head, he looks better with some hair.  He called me vivacious today.  Wow, what a word! ;)  Usually I’m just the scheduling maven, which is better than being the scheduling bitch, however, yesterday he did call me the ticket nazi.  That’s probably true, but it is part of the job, along with scheduling.

So Big & I went to lunch today, Taco Bell, which was really not so good, I got the Stufd Steak Burrito without beans, as refritos are horribly full of calories & cholesterol.  Love beans, but not those (but they are yummy, but I’m trying to watch a bit what I’m eating too).  And I’ve shared with him that I joined Match (I know he had before he got married) and told him that I really wasn’t doing any better with the virtual dating than I was with the real life stuff & I had the epiphany that I was in fact, PAYING to be REJECTED.  How screwbally messed up is that?!?!   I must be some sort of freak.  And, well, there have been a few that it has matched me up with or that I’ve found who have promise, but I don’t get anything from them after I message them.  So it really is just like real life.

And then I wonder if I’m not holding true to my statement that I want the man to make the first move.  And then I get all stuck on that & don’t know what to do.  So if I email him first, is that me making the first move, or no?  I don’t know & I’m obsessively stuck on that.  I might as well be rain man saying “definitely, not my underwear, definitely…” sheesh for pete’s sake!  Or they are like vultures decending on fresh meat.  Wow, no thank you.

Mr. Bulldog called last week & I don’t know how got on the subject (geez, dude, you’re married! But maybe he’s just naturally chatty, I don’t know!) but he asked if I were single & I said yes, I am, in fact I’ve not been on a date for over 18 months.  To which he was very surprised & said it had to be by choice because he was sure I had men knocking down my door.  And I said, yes, but I’ve not even been asked out once, to which he thought that was even more odd.  I ended up having The Hobbit help him.  For 2 reasons, I knew he’d get it done faster than me & 2 I like the dude too much & don’t really want to talk to him as it cannot go there.  I have rules as Big would say.  And they are for a reason, I know how I am.

It made me think about how when I was younger everyone used to always say “oh, don’t worry honey, you’re gotta have to beat them off with a stick” or “they’ll be knocking your door down”.  And how I wanted that to be true so much.  I’d see other girls in the class get that kind of attention, but never me.  And I would keep waiting for it, because everyone told me it would happen.  But you know, it never did.  And it never has.  And it probably never will.  And now I just think it is a very cruel thing to tell any young person that.  Or un-young person.  And most times it just makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Cheryl says it’s because God knows “I’ve got work to do” with this Wounded Heart book.  I suppose, but it is not a very satisfying answer.

I’m giving the message again in two weeks.  Guess I’m going to have to get a move-on with it.  The litergy looks like it is over “obedience” so if I can figure out how it fits in my life, I think I’ll come up with something pretty good.  Right now I have to be obedient to my alarm clock so I can get up at 0430 in the am.

Snowgeddon 2011

That’s what it’s being called.  A bit trumped up, if you ask me.  Nothing like ‘77 & ‘78.  But bad enough that I got my first adult snow day off from work.  Ever.  That was kinda cool.  Finally figured out with the help of my bro that the heat pump was not set right & was set to always being in use instead of calling the furnace when it got too cold.  Except the house still isn’t above 62.  So the heating people think maybe an element is bad.  Great. Really wasn’t looking forward to that.  I’ll have to dip into the laptop replacement fund I’m sure.  Big sad face.  The silver lining is that it really hasn’t been too uncomfortable so maybe I won’t jack it up to 68 when it’s all fixed.  That’s where I normally have it. Not sure if it would make a huge difference in the electric bill or not.  I think maybe I have finally really become an old person if all I do is gripe over my electric bill….sigh…. Dad talked to Mr. Burns about my windows & the fact that they have no storm windows.  He said if they are good windows, you don’t need storm windows.  What are my luck they are not good?  He said they probably just need to be “adjusted” whatever that means, but I trust the guy as he is good, old order stock.  So I guess add that to the list.  Looks like I’m just not destined to get a new laptop, ever….

Maybe my tax refund, if I get one…. Sigh…why does it seem just when you’re climbing out of the hole, someone is up top to kick you back in?  Friends of mine are doing the Dave Ramsey thing.  I like the concept, but how it the world would one ever go to college, own a house or a car?  I don’t think it is possible.  Based on some people’s incomes, like those who are in the $10-$15/hour range, it would take their entire lives to save up even for a $50,000 house.  What are you supposed to do in the mean time?  Perhaps other cultures have it figured out better with multi-generational homes.

And my vacuum is going on the fritz.  So what would Dave say?  He would say save until you can spend cash.  But what are you supposed to do about the floor until then?  Pick it all up by hand?  Brooms don’t work so great on carpet.  I see why it’s called a slippery slope…. Maybe Monday my furnace will just be a quick fix.  They could have come over the weekend, but it was like a $175 emergency charge.  I’m getting cheap in my old age.  Well, guess you all can just wear 3 sets of PJs cause momma’s going to wait!  Maybe my vacuum will hold on a bit longer.  Just seems like all my thoughts are money-based these days.  Don’t much like that.  Well, I mean, I try to be mindful, but I don’t want it to be the only thing I’m thinking of, you know?  I want to be responsible, be a good steward and be able to provide for my family.

Today, we had to schlep into town to go to Walgreens, Kroger & the Laundromat.  Last time 007 slept in my bed, he wet it.  Luckily last time I was at Target I got a new mattress pad that is waterproof as I was tired of not having one & that happening & then trying to clean the mattress.  But… my comforter got hit.  And it’s a king size, which does not fit in my poor little laundry machine.  And the last time I did it I used at 30# which was not big enough as part of it was still dry when I took it out.  Soooo….. I found a #35 and for $4.00 it did get very wet, and apparently clean.  Then .75 to dry.  But it wasn’t really dry.  I was tired of not being home so we came home & I laid it out on the bed.  And discovered that it wasn’t really quilted the way I thought it was & all the batting was in a good bunch.  So I had to try and stretch that back out.  And so it is now providing humidifier services upstairs.

And I’m trying to get everyone to start going to bed earlier as I’m going to try and start the 7 am shift on Tuesday.  Well, it would be Monday but they are supposed to be here between 8-10 to look at said furnace.  Which I thought was a Bryant, but it is a Lennox.  Hope that doesn’t mess stuff up.  I asked Sunshine if he could still come in at 7 on Monday but he did not give me much of an answer.  I need to let my boss know too.  Luckily, I can still do tickets here at home so that should be helpful, especially if I let Hobbit know he’s got the phones till I get there.  And I’ll need to call Cheryl to let her know I won’t be there.  I’ve been thinking of dropping down to every other week anyway.  Just seems right.  And it saves a bit of $$.  But I think she’s worth it.

Read a bit more in the book & it talked about contempt. Yea, I got tons of that, so I need to do more reading & working on that.

Thursday I did get my little pedal exerciser thing.  It was really cool when I tried it out.  30 minutes & I had done like 2800 “stokes” and like 400 calories.  Seemed hard to believe that it was that many calories as I was not even sweating.  And I read ½ of a magazine.  Maybe it will be correct & I can actually trim up a bit.  My pants are fitting badly and that is not a good sign.  Do not want to go bigger.  Just want to be in shape & not have undie dents on my belly.

Well, time to go to bed, I’m worship leader in the AM presuming I don’t get stuck in the driveway.