(It's not the) End of the World as we Know It...

So, yea, he really is married.  Finally got a straight answer out of him.  And then I’m wondering why in the world should it be that hard to know.  He doesn’t wear a ring, doesn’t talk about her, I made the “gee I bet your wife was glad to have you home early comment” to him & got the “why would anybody be glad about that?”…. wow dude… am I that disillusioned that married people really should enjoy being with each other, miss each other & be excited to see each other after not for a few days?  I guess so. I think me asking that threw him for a loop.

Once he got back to the office he called back in as he still needed some config done to his laptop & so I remoted in & did what I do.  We’re talking.  And it finally comes out. He finally says it.  Thank you, at least now I know for sure.  At least I have some closure & I know what bucket to put him in.  And I am disappointed because he seemed like a good prospect.  But then I’m thinking “is a guy that has a hard time admitting he’s married really a good prospect” and I’m thinking not.  Course I am saying all of that without really knowing his story, so in all fairness, I don’t know why he did that.

But we talk for a bit.  About being “old”.  Him having “bad” knees & not being able to run anymore.  About me running hurdles in school & ballet.  The ballet part I think impressed him.  Course you’d never know it for all the “grace” I have sometimes!  About his son being a senior & in track & doing long jump.  He used to play football.  And about how it is fun to travel (I really miss it) and what territory he covers.  And how it is hard to eat healthy while on the road.  And we talk about our past marriages & how relationships are hard. And I don’t really want to stop talking to him because he is fun to talk to & I’m attracted to him & that is just really bad as it can’t ever go anywhere & I’m thinking “what is the point?”.

I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again.

And I wonder why, oh why I have to get so close just to be shut down.  Again. I wonder why I even hope or dream that someday someone will come along & find me smart & interesting & pretty.  And I wonder why it matters to me so much.  And I know why.  Because somehow it’s all going to validate my existence to be more than what it used to be when I was growing up. That it will somehow put right what went horribly wrong so many years ago.

Tonight was movie night with the boys. We watched The Page Master with McCauley Caulkin & Ed Begley Jr. in it.  It also had the voices of Patrick Steward, Whoopi Goldberg, Lenoard Nemoy & Christopher Lloyd in it.  It was cute.  Very well done.  About a boy who is very afraid of everything & eventually finds his inner strength to take chances & live his life.