OK, not really, but it is getting late & I should be going to bed…. But I’ve also promised my therapist I’d start journaling more… so this is my compromise because hand-writing it gives me cramps & I can’t write as fast as I’m thinking. For that matter, I can’t type that fast either….
Anyway, this reminds me of when I had a record player growing up, it would do 45 & 33 1/3 speeds. And I had one of those read-along books of Alice. And in listening to Ben read tonight I realize I’ve always struggled with being able to listen & comprehend at that same time. Maybe this is because mom never read to us. Or I need more practice, or I have a short in the wiring someplace. But it was frustrating because he read for like 20 minutes & I couldn’t tell you what it was about. Other than it was the second book in The Tiger’s Apprentice. And it was about different characters in dragon costumes. And he had already read the first book and ½ of this one…And I promise I’ve only had ½ a glass of wine….
Today at my session we mainly talked about parenting, as this is 95% of my life. And it’s hard because I feel like I should just “know” the stuff she’s talking about. We also talked a lot about boundaries and how I need to respect them too. But how that goes back to me never feeling valued & so therefore don’t feel like “I’m worth it”. I have a lot of negative thinking to clear up. Because when the boys get silly & don’t really hear me/don’t listen to me, how it makes me so angry inside because I feel they are ignoring me & how that stems back to the value thing & never standing up for myself & no one noticing what was happening to me & basically feeling invisible most of my life. And so now that is manifesting in some very not healthy ways.
My main goal is to start leaving work on time. My shift is done at 4:30, so unless there is an emergency, I really shouldn’t be there after 4:45 because it can wait until tomorrow. And there is not an emergency every day so I really just don’t have a good excuse for not leaving until 5:20. As it is less time with my boys & more money to daycare & how I really don’t get anything extra out of it as I don’t really get anything more done anyway. Insanity.
And how I have such a hard time letting go of work that needs to be done. How I’m list-driven & get it done driven & efficiency/effectiveness driven. How that is a good thing, but it can be a curse. And how that all stems back to my belief that achievements are how we measure worth. How I’m only worth something if I’m over-achieving. I’ve always had to be better, smarter, faster than everyone else. I always thought it was because I was a woman working in a man’s field but I think it really goes back to my childhood where performance & doing good was how you were measured. And how I never thought I was “valuable” just as I am (as a child of God) and how I could only be valuable if I did the right thing the right way the first time & did more than everyone else. Think of the cartoon “Spike, hey Spike! Look what I can do, how good I am, how fast I can do it! Spike isn’t that great! Aren’t I great, Spike, Spike!” sort of thing while I jumping around crazy-like. And I do like recognition. Because it doesn’t matter if I think I’m good, it’s not validated until SOMEONE else tells me that. And I know that is wrong. I need to believe in my own opinions, but that refers back to I don’t think I’m valuable therefore my opinion must not really matter as much as someone else’s. Like I said, a lot of negative self-talk that I need to work on correcting.
And I know it is baby-steps, it is not going to happen overnight. But is so NOT the role-model I want to pattern to my own children.
And I’m supposed to write a letter to the ex- detailing what I’m angry about, don’t like, was hurt over, etc. And then burn it. It is supposed to be cathartic. I can think of a few other people I could do that with too.
On a fun note, over supper tonight we played the “how well do you know me” game, where we each asked questions & the other 2 had to answer… here’s what I remember…
007
Favorite dessert – chocolate
Favorite supper – grampa’s chili & pigs in a blanket
Favorite game – Sonic Fusion & Harry Potter Lego
Likes to cuddle
Likes to be crazy/silly
Likes to dawdle
Likes to not wake up
009
Favorite color –platinum
Favorite game – Mario Galaxy 2
Favorite Books – Tiger’s Apprentice
Early to rise, late to bed
XXX (not giving my age!)
Favorite color – pink
Favorite activity – scrapping, reading, singing, cooking, gardening, drawing, computer games
Late to bed, late to rise
Favorite beverage – coffee
We all laughed so much, it was a lot of fun. They may drive me crazy, but it is those moments that make me feel so proud & lucky to be their mama!
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