Things, stuff & more things

009 always gives me a hard time about these words.  Apparently Mrs. Davis, the English teacher does not approve.  They are rice cake words, one must use salsa words.  Momma gets her behind chewed for using them, 009 is reminded who the adult is… you can see conversation…. I must learn it is futile to argue with a 9-year old….

I was told that I need to post more regularly & that I had a disappointed fan base…. So….

Thursday was choir practice, no text-flirting with Sunshine that night.  Probably a good thing.  Not really my type, and he breaks rule number 1, being married.  Sorry, Big, that IS a deal-breaker for me….

Friday night was spent driving to Kokomo so the boys could visit their dad & then driving back.  Jammed out to the iPod, always good.  I sing like 90% of the time I’m in the car.  Does not seem to bother the offspring.  Not sure I’d stop if it did.  Then I watched Flyboys.  Cute movie about WWI and the American pilots who joined the Lafayette Escadrille prior to our entering the War to End All Wars.  Well, cute probably isn’t the best adjective, it was good. Good story, so-so acted.

Saturday I went to Pastor Kay’s father’s funeral at Timbercrest.  Always so wonderful to hear such delightful stories about a man that I know was so full of life & love.  Then I was back in town for my massage, haircut & updo.  The massage always goes way too quick.  If her hands were ever up to it I would pay for 2 hours gladly.  She always does my hair so cute, looked just like Taylor Swift.  Only it was me…so not so much like Taylor.  And I had a fantastic night out helping espanish & the cruz (I don’t have a good name for her yet…)clean out the closet.  Scored a prada bag, who’s awesome?!?!?  We then went to Asakusa for Sushi.  Actually I had California Maki rolls, espanish had a “boat” which has maki, sushi & fish together.  The cruz got terriaki chicken, but got the sauce on the side.  Didn’t eat it or the cooked carrots & only part of the chicken.  I thought 007 was picky…. Wow!  So, next time, she gets to pick as no one liked the Country Post either, my choice.

After dining, we rushed like crazy mad Italians up to Auburn for the comedy show.  It was very good, with Drew Hastings.  Espanish knew the opening act, so we got to meet both.  Cool.  I have pictures.  It will probably be 3 years before I get them posted.

Sunday was church, grocery shopping & just watching some TV. I did finish a layout I had started.  And got the trash burnt.  And caught up on laundry.  It was good to have the boys back.

Today I made some applesauce (I actually left pretty close to on time. My dad being in the parking lot with my kids for some unknown reason had a lot to do with it. He thought it was his night to pick 009 up at school – it was not - so he just decided to pick them both up at the day care.  I know just trying to be nice but it was very unexpected.)  after supper.  It was yummy. Also had chicken & noodles. Which 007 will eat as long as the carrots are separate.  Go figure.  And I “lie” and say they are from Gramma Bonnie.  Eventually he will figure out that those ran out a long time ago.  But until them I’m using it!  Also changed out the toilet seat.  Those screws are like way longer than they need to be.  And plastic, so they warp when you turn them.  Go figure.  But it looks a lot better, and yea me for figuring it out!

Parked the car way on the far side of the driveway in hopes that it will make it easier to get out in the AM.  Probably won’t.  They already have a 2 hour delay.  Wish we got delays at work.  That would be cool.

Well, I overslept & so I gotta get to bed tonight….

Step by step

 I sit here tonight after driving to & from Kokomo so the boys could sup with their dad & I’m just thinking about how last week I was crying over some dumb guy.  I walked 2 miles tonight at the mall, the past couple of weeks that’s all I’ve gotten in.  I’m kinda burnt out on rowing & it makes my tailbone hurt lately.  Actually, it’s been giving me a rugburn on my tailbone.  I have a headache & I’m drinking some of my yummy wine.  So while I still wish things had turned out differently with the dude, I’m glad they didn’t as I hope it leaves me open to other possibilities.  I’m damn glad I shut down the wrestler.  Twice is enough, go find someone else to screw.  Literally.  But it was sooo very good with him.

So where does this leave me?  A little smarter about myself & what I stand for, maybe with a bit more self-respect because I didn’t succomb.  And still lonely.  But with my life & the things I like to do & the independence I (now) enjoy, is there really anybody out there who can fit into that model?  Dunno.

Today I was on help desk & I didn’t really get anything much done.  Unless you count answering a bunch of questions.  It seems like that’s all I do. But mabye that is OK.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I feel as though I am being groomed to be, I don’t know, not really my boss’ replacement, but a position that will then allow my boss to be who he is supposed to be.  Not sure it makes sense when I write it down, it is hard to explain in my head.  And no, I’m not gunning for the job because Lord knows I don’t want that kind of responsibility.  More like the go-to/escalation point.  We talked a lot about policies & procedures & trying to get them established & how I seem to be a more out-of-the-box thinker.  Which I’ve never really considered myself to be.   But maybe it is true.  About how he has no doubts my abilities to handle the circumstances that require that.  Sometimes I want to just be the goof-off slacker  then he will say things like that I don’t want to let him down.  So my brain is scrambled from trying to process all that we talked about today.  And wondering how do I carve out the time to document policies, procedures & flowcharts.  I would really like to have a triage/help desk “binder” that outlines job functions, escalation points, scheduling, ticket closing, how notes should look, steps for most “normal” type work, tips & tricks for backups, etc.  But I need to go away for a week to get it done.  So I think of FlyLady & how can I do it in small bites.

We talk about a possible intern & I’m totally excited.  I think mentoring & showing students what the job is really like is invaluable for them, and for us.  Plus it is free labor, so how can you not like that?

And I just listen to music all the way over, and while I walk & on the way home as it helps me focus & clear my head.  And I hear the sweet sounds of giggles coming from the backseat.  And I think my life really isn’t so bad after all.

And I got to hear one of my favorite songs too on shuffle….

It’s just got a great beat… I think the video is cute too… could be my theme song…

Just a quickie...

I really need to go to bed early tonight as I got to bed late last night & I was really draggin’ today.

Yesterday was a very strange day… first off, I had to apologize to Sunshine for first beaning him in the head with the foamie apple, but then also targeting his crotch with the stuffed mummy guy.  What can I say, I have really bad aim & I was really embarrassed & felt very girly.  It should be very obvious now why my brothers never really let me play baseball with them growing up. Big said I actually have perfect aim, but I think that is only true if there is intent.

Mr. YY driving me NUTS!!!  Not even going to go into the details so that his identity might remain secret & thereby preserving everyone’s dignity.  Need to remember to ask Big to order me a new pair of earbugs so I can have one at the office (can I authorize you over my blog???!)

The D-O-G called again yesterday regarding why his wireless network at HOME wasn’t working anymore & what should he do… HELLO!! I support your WORK network.  So when I told him I really couldn’t help him beyond advice (check the label on the bottom of the router for the config info you need, call CenturyLink, etc.) he said “well, you know I really do call in just to talk to you”.  I responded with “well, if you start breaking things on purpose I’m going to get suspicious”.  Cheryl said it needs to be like Dragnet “just the facts, ma’am” and that’s it.  That is hard for me.  It is NOT who I am. But then I guess that is what gets me in trouble all the time.

Last night, more caulking gun action.  Figured out why there is a horrible draft in the living room… apparently between the wall & the risers, on the up corner of the stairs, you can snake your fingers down under & essentially be in the crawl space under the stairs.  The cubby that is NOT heated….sigh… so come summer I’m going to have to figure out how from underneath to plug them up.  Right now they are plugged very hillbilly from the top, but it’s WAAY too cold to get in there right now.   And the window frame in here is much better.  But as I’m looking at it wonder if I should have used the white instead of the clear….?  It was also an amazing chance to clean off the top of my crafting table and I think it is better now.

I did get 2 layouts done over the weekend & have another almost finished on said table.  I really need to get cards ready & over to dad.  And there are like a million things I need to put away.  But it is hard to find the gumption.  I think I have too much stuff in my house.

Maybe I should join a Christian singles site, what do you think?  I’m getting so frustrated with the abysmally small selection here in town & they all turn up with wives or girlfriends.

I promise I’ve only had 1 glass of wine tonight, but I am rambling, a definate sign I’m tired… 

OH OH OH Mr. Kotta!!!! I almost forgot…. So Saturday I’m texting with Jilly Bean & we’re talking about some guy… and my phone beeps again so I’m assuming it is just her again so I don’t really rush out to see who it was (I was in here, my phone mostly works only in the kitchen). So I get out there & who should it be other than the wrestler.  The “oh, I’ve found my match, I’m getting married” wrestler.  Apologizing that he never meant for our friendship to turn out this way & he never meant to hurt my feelings.  So I was like “yea, me neither, just got to the point where I didn’t know what I was to you anymore & I knew what I wanted but knew it was never going to happen so I just had to pull back & face the facts.  And then you just stopped coming to church & I didn’t know what was going on & it was just 2 confusing.”.  So do you know how he responds “I know what you mean, I’m not into church right now, I’ll come back sometime in the future.”  So I said back “you gotta do what you gotta do. See you around someday”. WTF?!?!  Why after all these months?  The first thought I had was that he & his girlfriend broke up & he thought he could still get a piece.  Nope.  Not going to happen.  Learned my lesson the last 2 times.  And what does his response really mean anyway other than he has NO CLUE what he wants in life. And then at church I see this cute little blonde toddler running around.  I look over & there he is at church.  Geez, if seeing him still doesn’t trip my trigger.  And make me think of when we went driving through Grant county one day over lunch & I got a tasty treat. But. I. Cannot. Let. Him. Get. To. Me.  He comes over first, gives me a hug, says “hey Shelley”.  I give him a hug.  We don’t talk much.  I go back to talking with Jilly Bean & the other girls.  And later T&J call him an a$$.  It took every ounce of strength & determination I had but I DID NOT seek him out to say good bye.  Maybe that was the wrong thing to do… but I am sick & tired of “having hope” he’s ever going to change his mind or his ways.  And I refuse to be the fill-in girl any more.  I’m better than that & deserve better than that.

Good night!

(It's not the) End of the World as we Know It...

So, yea, he really is married.  Finally got a straight answer out of him.  And then I’m wondering why in the world should it be that hard to know.  He doesn’t wear a ring, doesn’t talk about her, I made the “gee I bet your wife was glad to have you home early comment” to him & got the “why would anybody be glad about that?”…. wow dude… am I that disillusioned that married people really should enjoy being with each other, miss each other & be excited to see each other after not for a few days?  I guess so. I think me asking that threw him for a loop.

Once he got back to the office he called back in as he still needed some config done to his laptop & so I remoted in & did what I do.  We’re talking.  And it finally comes out. He finally says it.  Thank you, at least now I know for sure.  At least I have some closure & I know what bucket to put him in.  And I am disappointed because he seemed like a good prospect.  But then I’m thinking “is a guy that has a hard time admitting he’s married really a good prospect” and I’m thinking not.  Course I am saying all of that without really knowing his story, so in all fairness, I don’t know why he did that.

But we talk for a bit.  About being “old”.  Him having “bad” knees & not being able to run anymore.  About me running hurdles in school & ballet.  The ballet part I think impressed him.  Course you’d never know it for all the “grace” I have sometimes!  About his son being a senior & in track & doing long jump.  He used to play football.  And about how it is fun to travel (I really miss it) and what territory he covers.  And how it is hard to eat healthy while on the road.  And we talk about our past marriages & how relationships are hard. And I don’t really want to stop talking to him because he is fun to talk to & I’m attracted to him & that is just really bad as it can’t ever go anywhere & I’m thinking “what is the point?”.

I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again.

And I wonder why, oh why I have to get so close just to be shut down.  Again. I wonder why I even hope or dream that someday someone will come along & find me smart & interesting & pretty.  And I wonder why it matters to me so much.  And I know why.  Because somehow it’s all going to validate my existence to be more than what it used to be when I was growing up. That it will somehow put right what went horribly wrong so many years ago.

Tonight was movie night with the boys. We watched The Page Master with McCauley Caulkin & Ed Begley Jr. in it.  It also had the voices of Patrick Steward, Whoopi Goldberg, Lenoard Nemoy & Christopher Lloyd in it.  It was cute.  Very well done.  About a boy who is very afraid of everything & eventually finds his inner strength to take chances & live his life.

Vacation life

Last year we went to St. Louis for vacation.  I’ve always been facinated by Meso-American cultures, so I was delighted to learn of a protected area that had been a Mississipean settlement.  Now known as Cahokia Mounds…  We also went to Grant’s Farm & a very cool sculpture park.

I know this doesn’t look like it is very tall, but from this point you’ve already climbed up farther than what is left….  And it was like the hottest day at about 95.  It is called Monk’s Mound & from the top you are rewarded with this most excellent view…

I

It was a bit hazy but I think you can tell how beautiful it is!

008 is very helpful with the maps.  Hard to believe someone else is now almost that age…. They act so differently!  B was so responsible then.  Z is so….well…. not!

On the way we stopped by the Lincoln Log cabin to stretch our legs & see cool old things.  At the gift store they had to get these giant pennies & big twig pencils.  Check out the no teeth grin on 005!

This sculpture was absolutely huge and so totally cool!

Peek-a-boo!  I loved the park because it was completely kid-oriented.

The all-seeing eye…..(Mordor anyone….)

These pits are actually a face.  008 is in an eye, 005 in the nose….

We had stayed in Terre Haute the night we left & the part I love about vacations is getting at least 1 breakfast at McDonalds…  Don’t you like the pained “please no more pictures!  We just started vacation!” I just love the big grin!  He had (when he was all done) 6 teeth missing up front at the same time!

At Grant’s Farm 005 started warming up to feeding the animals.  He’s always been so afraid.  I’m glad it was a very gentle donkey for his first one.  He decided it wasn’t so bad.

And why does every place have to have one of THESE!?!?!?!

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Elite member of the galactically stupid club

That’s me…check out my card, it shows I’m the #1 member.  Got all the ribbons & certifications.  I can’t even believe I let myself get excited & worked up over something.  I should know better by now.  That kind of stuff just doesn’t ever happen to me.  EVER.  No guy “cares enough to send his very best” to me.  It’s just all a big cover because apparently all men are pigs.  Sorry if this offends any men, but this has been my experience.

So, he’s married.  And why, during any of our various conversations & comments about how “I really only call just to talk to you” bullsh*t he’s never mentioned his WIFE?! If I were her, that would piss me off.  And how, you wonder, do I know? Just a little bit of recon.  Don’t forget, I’m a geek & his computer is in the shop.  It wasn’t that hard.  Come on, did you not think I’d find out when we just talked about what documents you’d want to save before I have your machine wiped & reloaded?  Why does this have to bother me?  And it does REALLY bother me, to be honest. As Big & I were talking, it’s not like I had my whole life planned out but coffee with potential would have been nice.

Why am I a target of doom?  Why can’t I just find the relationship I dream of in my head?   It is getting harder & harder to believe; to hold on; to have hope.  It just doesn’t exist.  At least for me.  I just need to accept the fact that at my age, it’s just not going to happen.  But I so want it to.

At least I held off until the drive home to start crying, right?l

So I think when he comes in to pick up his laptop it’s going to go something like “so, did you have a nice trip? It must be such a blessing to have a wife who’s OK with all the travelling you have to do”.  And just see what he has to say.

Why are men so stupid?  I had an ex-boyfriend ask me to clean off the viruses on his computer & when I’m digging through the registry see that he’s frequented just about every porn site there is on the face of the planet.  Really!?  Do you think I’m not going to SEE it?  Hellllooo, do you not remember what it is I do for a living?

I feel like an idiot & a fool.  I don’t really know how to help get this out of me except by writing it out.  And listening to some music.

This is what strikes me right now…..

maybe a little bit of this…

with a smattering of this….

and I guess you have to remember this…

Good night!

Not so girly this time...

I was informed today at work that yesterday’s post was a bit on the girly side….hey I’m a girl, what can I say..?  So in an effort to please Big, I’ll try to do better.  I did get to work on time again today, less rushing this AM which was nice.  I was on triage again, and I think did really well.  The number of outstanding tickets is shrinking.  I know that sounds like a bad thing, but when there are too many then we can’t see the stuff that really needs dealt with.  Mr. YY was, well, normal for him, and as usual I tried to hide how I was feeling as I know it can’t be helped.  Wish I could drink wine at work, that would make it soooo much easier…. Sunshine had a very nice thing to say about me, which was cool.  Said I had really lightened (or maybe it was livened) up the office.  It was hard to say which it was.  He tends to mumble a bit on his iPhone.  On speaker. Not doing himself any favors.  Or decides to shovel his sidewalk while talking to me.  “Yea (…..sccrraaapppee….) I need you to (….scccrraaaaapeeee….)…” you get the idea.  The Hobbit continues to impress me with how quickly he’s learning stuff, applying what he learns, and desiring to learn more.  Just need to work on the professionalism part.  That’s the harder part as it just comes with experience…and age.

Got to talk to Sheldon for a bit up in Warsaw, he’s totally cool & I miss when he used to be on help desk because we’d talk a lot.  Now I just get accused of talking to Bradle too much.  Whatever.  He’s a cool dude too.

I almost got out on time, but was waylaid at the last minute.  Was still out at 5 though.  Not bad.  Had supper with dad & then helped him renew his plates online.  That wasn’t the hard part.  Just hard to deal with constant interruptions.  I need to get better at it, but I use it all up at work.

009 has decided to do both math bowl (T/R) and Battle of the Books (W).  I can’t wait to find out if he makes either team.

It’s also hard to concentrate when I’m constantly thinking about someone.  WTF?!?  Here I go again, I suppose. He was in Bowling Green, KY area today.  And then was going on down to TN for tomorrow.  I can’t remember where he said, but I think Nashville.  And then driving back Thursday to be back in town Friday to get his laptop.  Ah, I remember those days, I loved them, they were always so energizing.  I love traveling & staying in hotels & seeing different places.  And then I like to come … Home.

Just like in this song….

That man could sing a cereal box to me & frankly I just wouldn’t care.

Michael would call from El Paso & I’d be on a plane that day to fix the server in Juarez.  And then we’d stay on that side & go out & have fun.  He was a lot of fun.  Too bad he lives in France now.  Or getting to tour the Circleville OH plant with Simon & Tanya.  He was very tempting… Or Carlos down in Belo Horizonte.  He had a beautiful wife!

Or down in Miami, wishing I was with Joseph.  Too bad I was with Joe then.  He was so not healthy.

OK, enough about my man craze-iness for 1 night.  Time to go to bed.  Sweet dreams peeps!

Manic Monday

It actually started off on a really good note, I was ready early, got to work on time & started working with stuff on the board.  Getting stuff plowed through, addressed, scheduled, closed out… just like I like to do.  It felt pretty rockin!  I had my appointment with Cheryl today.  I always like that.  She was proud of me leaving on-time last week. Talked about the lessons learned on disappointing Jilly-Bean.  Talked about the importance of taking care of self & being nurturing.  That it is not selfish & indulgent. Just good health.

I go back to work, get more stuff done…. Trying to resolve a lingering issue for a client that they are just fed up with & frankly so are we.  The shop guy tells me that a certain someone from one of our customers is bringing in his laptop.  “oh, that’s nice, but why do I care?”  he just responded “oh, I don’t know”… he’s like that.  I love ‘em.  But my insides just became a mass of writhing worms.  I’m frustrated that I’m not wearing something more flattering or that I didn’t do something different with my hair.  Do I have stuff in my teeth?  Why o why did I stop wearing my retainer, is my nose powdered????  Geez, what’s up with that?!?!  Why do I feel all tingly thinking about him?

He and I have talked before either in person or on the phone & he seems like a really nice guy.  One of the first conversations we had he called me pretty.  I don’t remember the context, but I remember it fit with whatever we were talking about.  I had mentioned to him on our last phone call that I had taken the boys to Chicago & he wanted to know if it was “just me & the boys” and asked a lot of questions & told me a lot of things.  That was kinda cool.  Today when he came in he asked me if I’d been back & told me some places to go.  We talked about where we had gone to school.  He went to Butler, arch-rival of my school.  That his daughter now goes to IUPUI.  He was a music major & sings.  How totally awesome is that.  I think he’s Christian too, as he listens to Christian Rock.  While I like the genre too, you usually don’t listen to it if you don’t feel that way, know what I mean?  I think he likes bikes & I think he would just be cool to get to know more.  He said he really calls in just to talk to me.  Do you think he might like me too?  Probably not, most guys don’t see me that way, I don’t think.  I’m just one of the guys.

I think I have a crush… what do you think?  He’ll be back in on Friday so I’m gonna try & have something nice on.  I wish he’d ask me out for coffee or something.

Unfortunately, the day didn’t end on a good note.  Too much to do, not enough time, I took 20 minutes to daydream instead of cooking supper & then the whole rest of the evening was a train wreck.  Mostly salvaged though as I told the boys “I know we’ve had conflict tonight, I love you so much even still & we’ll figure it out.

Now I have the hiccups.  But I got to talk to my sister.  Thanks Kelli for indulging my “need to be girlie for a minute and talk boys”.

Anyway time for beddie as it was too late last night…. Think I’m gonna have sweet dreams tonight.

Delight, Dissapointment & Dilemma

I finally got all my cards made from that big huge stack of scraps, wow, that was like totally cool!  Now I can get them addressed & over to dad so he can send them out.  I ended up with 36 thank you cards, 7 love cards, 1 blank & like 96 Happy Birthday cards.  Looks like I won’t have to make cards for a while. I’ve also pulled some pictures for some layouts, can’t wait to get back to scrapping!  I got the Christmas tree down & in a new luggage-like thing….

http://www.treekeeperbag.com/Tree-Duffel-Tree-Storage-Bag-TK-10121-p/tk-10121.htm

It was a bit cumbersome for 1 person to get the first part of the tree in, but once there was something inside holding it all open, it worked great.  And it will store very flat while your tree is being used.  How cool is that?!? It had wheels so it was very easy to pull up the stairs, however, had it been 1 millimeter wider, it would not have made it through the attic door.  But I love not having it out in the shed, as the shed makes it stink.  And it was very dangerous trying to get a 7.5 foot tree down off a shelf over 6 foot up & standing on a ladder.  It seems to be very sturdy & made out of the same type of material as luggage so I think it will keep the mice out & stand up to the punishment of being mine.

I think I’ll be in the market for a new vacuum soon.  Mine sucks, well actually it does, but the brush roller thingie has stopped, well, rolling!  And it smells funny.  I think the Dyson Animal might just be the one for me.  In the ball model of course.

On a very positive note, I have my credit card paid off, again!  I think I did it like 3 times last year.  It was really rough getting everything paid off from being unemployed.  After a year, I think I am finally there!  Pinch me in a couple of weeks to make sure I still feel the same way!  Next on my list, getting a new computer (well, after the vacuum).  The keys don’t always work right on this one (could be the Mod Podge!) and the mouse is flaky & well, the whole computer is flaky.  Been trying to decide Windows 7 or a Mac.  I’ve always wanted to get back to a Mac.  With Photoshop CS.  We’ll see when it comes time to pay the piper….

Friday night I watched 4 brothers with Mark Wahlburg, because who can resist this….

or this…

The storyline was very good & had a very impressive car-chase scen through snowy Detroit.

The dissapointment came Saturday when my massage therapist called sick L  So I’ll have to wait a couple more weeks.  It can be hard sometimes as I can really tell the difference when  I go regularly.  I think I can make it OK though.  And then there was getting to the theatre late so I didn’t get to see True Grit.  Saw Dilemma instead with Vince Vaughn.  I have to admit, it was better than I thought & had Channing Tatum it it…

Who is like wow, really young, but easy on the eyes….

All the good ones are married too….  I keep hoping I’ll stumble across one here, but everyone keeps telling me my standards are too high.  My response, “I’m done lowering my standards as that’s all I’ve ever done & look where it’s gotten me…”  Exactly.  Standards staying high…

Night, all!

3rd time's a charm

Hey look, 3 nights in a row!  I even left at 16:45 today, who’s awesome?!?! 009 had Battle of the Books practice tonight.  Totally hope he makes it!  I was on help desk today instead of triage.  Which is cool, except I don’t think I really got much accomplished.  Still busy training.  And having WBEM issues.  And a crazy forklift W2K to W2K8 migration that went well, but identified a lot of other issues for the customer.  Tomorrow, maybe I’ll get a chance to work on them more & clean up the NOC a bit.

Cleaned the litterbox tonight.  I have been using litter made from recycled paper products, and it worked well, except even with baking soda it would start to stink.  And it is compostable for flowers or flushable.  Which is what I did.  So I let it get really low and tonight tossed the excess on the flowerbed…oh, I mean snow bed! And cleaned it well with Lysol.  I found some clumpable flushable litter, made out of this…. Are you ready…. CORN!  It’s crazy!  It looks like ground up corn.  And it smells like it too.  So far the cat is OK with it.  I’m hoping it clumps well to keep the ammonia smell down.  As the other stuff would “trap the ammonia & let the water evaporate”.  Read… get mushy & still smell.  Great concept, not executed well.

And my boss got to “yell” at Frontier/Verizon today because apparently their tech support doesn’t know how to create a PTR record or why you would want one in the first place.  Meanwhile, local customer grumpy…. Sigh. 

I have been working on a LOT of cards in the studio & am excited about that.  Mostly thank you cards for everyone who donated for mom, but a lot of birthday cards too, as apparently I need lots.  It has been fun, but I’m anxious to get back to scrapping.

Also looking forward to either seeing True Grit or Green Hornet this weekend.  Will probably opt for True Grit as it has been out longer…. And I’m a sucker for Matt Damon.  Even if he is married.

How can you not be a sucker for this….

or this…

I mean, come on! ;)

OK, so it is a bit later than what I wanted it to be, so I will leave you with this….

hehe J

Shew, that feels better

Took 5 minutes (wow, was that all, kept thinking it would take like an HOUR!) to clean the little drawer (read junk) and the pullout where I keep my pens & stuff.  5 minutes for both.  So why have I wasted 2 weeks dreading it? Everything purged & back into it’s happy little home…

Lots of white stuff coming down.  Apparently Wabash City thinks the county is going to plow roads who thinks the state is going to plow them.  Net result?  No plowing.  Geez, do we not live in the 21^st century?  Did we not know it was coming?  Could we not have hired some contractors?  Not sure, but I’ve seen plenty of contractor trucks running around with plows…. Are they in more short supply than what it seems?  25 MPH is such a good speed.  Really allows you to slow down & notice the little things around you….

Today I left at 16:45, how cool am I?  And I really busted it on my triage board today.  Lots of stuff sifted through & figured out.  Tomorrow 1 of the guys takes over & I can work on some of my old, ancient tickets & maybe even clean up some of the misconfigured properties in Assure-IT.  I hate those.  Just means I don’t have something set right.

Boys & I watched Worst Cooks in America tonight.  Wow.  I don’t feel like such a bad cook anymore.  And hello, since when is bologna (I have to sing the song to remember how to spell that word!) & sleezy cheese on a tortilla considered a quesadilla?  I think there might have been as much silicone in her brain as there was in her chest?  That’s bad of me, isn’t it?  Oh, but chef Robert Irvine, my, oh my, what a fine sample of masculinity served on a plate right there!

Check him out here…

In case that wasn’t a good enough shot of his ARMS, check out this one….

Are you kidding me? I don’t think they can make shirts that can fit that man. 

Swooon!  Too bad he is married…

Of course, Michael Symon could cook for me any day of the week too…

Maybe the next reality show we could do is “Private Chef for Single Moms”….

Time for bed (as I’m trying to do that earlier too…)

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...

OK, not really, but it is getting late & I should be going to bed…. But I’ve also promised my therapist I’d start journaling more… so this is my compromise because hand-writing it gives me cramps & I can’t write as fast as I’m thinking.  For that matter, I can’t type that fast either….

Anyway, this reminds me of when I had a record player growing up, it would do 45 & 33 1/3 speeds.  And I had one of those read-along books of Alice.  And in listening to Ben read tonight I realize I’ve always struggled with being able to listen & comprehend at that same time.  Maybe this is because mom never read to us.  Or I need more practice, or I have a short in the wiring someplace.  But it was frustrating because he read for like 20 minutes & I couldn’t tell you what it was about.  Other than it was the second book in The Tiger’s Apprentice.  And it was about different characters in dragon costumes.  And he had already read the first book and ½ of this one…And I promise I’ve only had ½ a glass of wine….

Today at my session we mainly talked about parenting, as this is 95% of my life. And it’s hard because I feel like I should just “know” the stuff she’s talking about.  We also talked a lot about boundaries and how I need to respect them too.  But how that goes back to me never feeling valued & so therefore don’t feel like “I’m worth it”.  I have a lot of negative thinking to clear up.  Because when the boys get silly & don’t really hear me/don’t listen to me, how it makes me so angry inside because I feel they are ignoring me & how that stems back to the value thing & never standing up for myself & no one noticing what was happening to me & basically feeling invisible most of my life.  And so now that is manifesting in some very not healthy ways.

My main goal is to start leaving work on time.  My shift is done at 4:30, so unless there is an emergency, I really shouldn’t be there after 4:45 because it can wait until tomorrow.  And there is not an emergency every day so I really just don’t have a good excuse for not leaving until 5:20.  As it is less time with my boys & more money to daycare & how I really don’t get anything extra out of it as I don’t really get anything more done anyway.  Insanity.

And how I have such a hard time letting go of work that needs to be done.  How I’m list-driven & get it done driven & efficiency/effectiveness driven.  How that is a good thing, but it can be a curse.  And how that all stems back to my belief that achievements are how we measure worth.  How I’m only worth something if I’m over-achieving.  I’ve always had to be better, smarter, faster than everyone else.  I always thought it was because I was a woman working in a man’s field but I think it really goes back to my childhood where performance & doing good was how you were measured.  And how I never thought I was “valuable” just as I am (as a child of God) and how I could only be valuable if I did the right thing the right way the first time & did more than everyone else.  Think of the cartoon “Spike, hey Spike! Look what I can do, how good I am, how fast I can do it! Spike isn’t that great! Aren’t I great, Spike, Spike!” sort of thing while I jumping around crazy-like.  And I do like recognition.   Because it doesn’t matter if I think I’m good, it’s not validated until SOMEONE else tells me that.  And I know that is wrong.  I need to believe in my own opinions, but that refers back to I don’t think I’m valuable therefore my opinion must not really matter as much as someone else’s.  Like I said, a lot of negative self-talk that I need to work on correcting.

And I know it is baby-steps, it is not going to happen overnight.  But is so NOT the role-model I want to pattern to my own children.

And I’m supposed to write a letter to the ex- detailing what I’m angry about, don’t like, was hurt over, etc.  And then burn it.  It is supposed to be cathartic. I can think of a few other people I could do that with too.

On a fun note, over supper tonight we played the “how well do you know me” game, where we each asked questions & the other 2 had to answer… here’s what I remember…

007

Favorite dessert – chocolate

Favorite supper – grampa’s chili & pigs in a blanket

Favorite game – Sonic Fusion & Harry Potter Lego

Likes to cuddle

Likes to be crazy/silly

Likes to dawdle

Likes to not wake up

009

Favorite color –platinum

Favorite game – Mario Galaxy 2

Favorite Books – Tiger’s Apprentice

Early to rise, late to bed

XXX (not giving my age!)

Favorite color – pink

Favorite activity – scrapping, reading, singing, cooking, gardening, drawing, computer games

Late to bed, late to rise

Favorite beverage – coffee

We all laughed so much, it was  a lot of fun.  They may drive me crazy, but it is those moments that make me feel so proud & lucky to be their mama!

Muzes instead of Snoozes

OK, a poet I am not!  But I really should be in bed.  But I’m really not. Instead I fell down a rabbit hole.  One that I am almost too embarrassed to admit to.  One that involved trying to find a date.  Not much out there. Deleted account.  Enough said.

Thanksgiving was weird & hard.  We had it a week early since this was not my Thanksgiving year.  Missed mom a lot.  Was good to see the grandparental units.  Christmas was also hard, but I was thankful to have the boys.  Didn’t really go all-out on the presents.  Some books, clothes & Legos.  They were very happy.  We did go to Christmas Eve service, but not longest night or Christmas Sunday.  Just too much going on.  We had our family celebration at Dan & Kelli’s house.  Kevin had their home beautifully decorated for the season, as he always does.  And Kelli had some very yummy food, delicious, that earned extra praises in 009 & 007 not only eating it but really liking it too!  They love their Auntie Kelli.

Actually, back to topic #1, there are 2 clients where I work that are very intriguing.  But I doubt that either one will pan out.  Why is that?  Why does the selection have to be so slim around here?  I just want to go out on a date every  now and then.  But not once in 18 months have I been asked out.  Why?  Am I that horrible or is every man that stupid? Sigh…

Jilly Bean, Tom & I did the New Year’s Eve party at http://www.charleycreekinn.com/ It was a lot of fun.  Got to dress up in little black dress with little black shoes.  Shame on me for not taking any pictures.  They have this wonderful South African red that I absolutely adore!  You can get a bottle here, very reasonably priced… http://www.pfiwestern.com/pfi/western.wear/itemdetl.html?item=ROBERTSON%20RED  In Twenty/Green Hat Lounge they have a delightful sparkling (shiraz) that is heavenly as well.  I wish I could find their brand, but….I can’t.

Cannot believe that next week it will be a year since I started my new job.  I really love it, the people are great!  I’ve been moved to team lead & have been struggling a bit with the workload & extra responsibilities.  We have 3 people doing triage/help desk now so that is coming along nicely. Now we just need to get everyone up to speed.  I think that is a never-ending battle.

OK, so now I should probably hit the snooze part & go to bed.  Have a good night, ya’ll!