OK, so I'm probably not quite that bad, but.... So last week was Thanksgiving, you know, the day in the US where you can stuff yourself full with as much food as you want & the calories don't exist? Yea, that one. Monday was normal. For me. That meant, gymnastics, swimming, supper, homework, bath & reading, but no worship team for once, yea! Don't get me wrong, I love being on worship team, but....
Tuesday I ended up helping with 000 so gramma could get ready for Thanksgiving. He's just so stinkin' cute and has hair that will NOT behave (OK, let's all do our bad Austin Powers impersonations now....). Then I went home and had bakefest 2009, if you were reading my tweets & FB updates. Pie crusts, banana muffins, pies, cinnamon rolls. Oh, and taking Ben (Zack's decided he doesn't like it for some unexplained reason!) to Pioneers club. And trying not to eat everything in site cause it smells so good.
Wednesday I helped with 000 again, but the wrestler was there too. Not going to go into why, not my story. But we were there alone in his mom's house, and we behaved. Really. Just talked for a bit. Not that I wasn't tempted when he was taking a shower, cause trust me, I was. I soooo was. He told me that I was awesome & I rocked. Sigh, I just want that to mean so much more than he probably means it. His dad told me that it has been really nice lately to have me around the house. Huh? Wow. Not sure where to go with that one.
Then it was back to my house to get packed, get the car packed, get the boys fed, bathed and in the car. And oh snap! I forgot to stop by Modoc's to get coffee for D&K so that means needing to go into town before leaving. And it's raining, I hate driving in the rain. It is a 2+ hour drive to my brother's house. The boys are totally looking forward to spending the night with Kevin. Which I think is totally cool. And I think it is totally cool that at 14 he likes hanging out with 008 & 006.
We get there, and they go to bed. We adults stay up and talk for a bit. Mom & Dad won't be over tomorrow for the meal. She's come down with pneumonia too. Dad got it last week. Geez, just when they get a break. Thursday doesn't much feel like Thanksgiving because of that. Dan & I work on 014's computer. That's fun, to totally geek out. And to talk to him like an adult about how computers & operating systems work. His new one has Windows 7 on it and he's not understanding why his 5+ year old games don't want to play nice & happy on it.
We drive home late Thursday and it is dark and rainy. Again. And my iPod is dead. So I guess I'll just use the Garmin but I don't have playlists set up on it well and have to skip songs. And it's flaky. And I end up parallel to the Indiana state line instead of crossing and can't figure out why it's taking so long to get there. So the map really helped.
Friday we hung out at the house & goofed off. Took leftovers over to the parental unit's house. Then I have to leave for Kokomo so the boys can be with their dad on Thanksgiving. I find out later he didn't even do Thanksgiving with them and that irritates me. Even if you can't be with all the family, can't you just do it for yourselves? Develop your own traditions? Anyway.... And I had a message from the wrestler, so we chatted a bit. That was really cool. Fun. Unexpected.
Saturday I worked on my class kit for December, and watched Farscape, and cleaned the church & worked on laundry.
Sunday, we had breakfast at the church so I went. After, I went out to steal a piece of gum from Zack's stash, and there he was in the parking lot with 000. My brain crashes. Geez, why does he have this affect on me and what is it? We talk. He apologizes for not calling yesterday. I tell him it's OK. He goes & sits down, I fuss with worship team stuff cause I can't decide what to do, do I sit next to him or not? I opt for not since he did not invite me. I sit a couple rows behind, where I still have a good view of ... pastor kay, Yea, that's it....
During service he gets up & leaves, and then later comes back. He sits next to me. Wow. He leans over to whisper in my ear that he has something to tell me after church (he never did say what it was!). I help hold the hymnal so he can sing. I hold 000 for a bit. He's just so snuggly! Later, it's communion & he can't take a piece of bread (we do unleavened bread & I made it this week). So when it's time, without thinking, after I break it, I pop half of it in his mouth. Oh wow, what did I just do. We both laugh, but it was one of those I'm outside myself moments. It reminded me of cake. I don't want to be reminded of cake. Luckily he's able to do the cup by that time.
We talk a bit after service, hug each other good bye. It is a really nice, long hug, not just one of those fly-by squeezes. He promises to call soon. OK. I really am just trying hard to hang back. It is hard for me, but I see the benefits. I think I'm doing OK with it. It really is the way it needs to be. Like advent, I'm just sort of waiting and watching to see how it will all unfold. It is sort of interesting to take that perspective. To make a conscious, intentional choice, as opposed to just letting things happen to you. To prepare yourself to be receptive; to open up to the possibilities.
I'm choosing to take this time to get to know me again, what I want out of a relationship, what I bring to a relationship. What I want out of life. What kind of mother I want to be. How I can best serve my parents & my church. I'm learning a ton and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. As painful as it has been, I would not give up this journey. I would have chosen these last 5 months all over again. And that, honestly, is a good feeling. These months have had value, merit.
Tonight, 008 gets off the bus and tells me over recess he was tackled, and that he bit his tongue. Didn't think much of it. So we went to gymnastics & swimming. We're eating & he's complaining of having to chew funny. So I have him stick out his tongue. I just about puke! No kidding. If it were a finger I'd take him to the ER. YIKES. I call my dad, he's not home, I call the ex, he's not answering, I call a couple from church who live close, their number rings busy. OK, now what do I do, it's 6:30, everything in Wabash is closed & I need someone to look at this tongue! I call the wrestler. I feel horrible for bothering him, and silly for having to ask. He said have him rinse with warm salt water, check, I knew to do that, where was my brain! His dad, a MD says they won't stitch a tongue, so just keep an eye on it for bleeding. Remarkably, it has not bled since he was home & it didn't much at school, but he was sent in to wash his face. OK, now also keep in mind I'm miffed that the school never notified me! If it bleeds he needs to go in. He also said "hey let me call you back I've got a friend from CA leaving". Probably one of his Marine buddies. Sure, I say, but it's not really necessary. He did anyway, isn't that sweet? And then (it got really hard to hear/understand, so I asked him again!) he said he would call tomorrow night. Not sure what about, I think he said, but I just said that would be wonderful & bye.
Oh, and then the ex called back. He was appropriately sympathetic & listening. As usual. You can do it, just hang in there. Dude, I didn't call you cause I didn't think I could handle it, I called you because it freaked me out a bit & I wasn't sure what to do. I'm usually very calm, cool & collected when it comes to this stuff, so not sure why it freaked me out. And the fact that I'm freaking out is freaking me out.
And then Dad called back. Hello, grand central! LOL but it was my own doing!
Sometimes I think I have Asperger's syndrome because I just don't always know how to handle myself socially & prefer small doses in my own choosing. A lot of times I just don't understand people on the phone & have to ask 2 & 3 times. Really annoying. I need face to face to have it make sense & stick.
Will I be able to sleep tonight? I have no idea!
Yes, we got homework done - 006 takes forever (at anything!), he didn't get his done in time so he lost reading time. Where he reads. I've resorted to setting a timer because the boy is sooo slow in the shower & homework. Like his momma, he gets distracted by every shiny bauble and dust bunny in his path. At least he gets it honest, but I think that's why it drives me crazy! But he really enjoys life and is so happy go lucky that I don't want to change that part. I think he's got it more figured out than me.
Hopefully tomorrow we'll all get to read...
Here's looking at you kid.....
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Splash layout
This is from a family trip to Gatlinburg back in 2003.
Product used:
Papers =KI Memories
Letter stickers = Doodlebug
Brads = Bazzill Basics
Rub-ons=Art Warehouse
Clear sticker paper
Ticket from OberGatlinburg
New pictures on Flickr
Just got June 2007 uploaded – Brandy & Jennifer there’s some of the family up there. For those of you who are Wabash-ites, I created a special set for the photos I’ve taken around the area, if you are interested in a stroll down memory lane…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Best - elle
Hacker Attack
via docstoc.com
Found this today, one of the million books I worked on in a previous life. OK, maybe not a million, but you get the idea. Cool that it's available online now.Wednesday, November 25, 2009
3 Faves from yesterday's set...
Yesterday, between making pies, taking care of 000, making cinnamon rolls & other general "mom" duties, I also managed to squeeze in some proofing time. These were taken at the North Manchester, IN Harvest Fest last October. Yea, I know, I am soooo incredibly slow. But I have to admit, I have gotten onto a much more regular schedule of doing it, so I'm hoping that pays off in the end.... Here they are, in no order....
This is a close-up of the most beautiful fire escape I think I've ever seen.... right off Main Street.
and of course 006 & 008 playing in the straw maze (course they were 004 & 007 at the time...)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
This is my kind of humor!
This is so funny!!!!!
From a friend of mine's blog.... I can't stop laughing, thanks for sharing Katie!!!
It's the only one you've got...
This song
is so much my life. It is funny how many songs I say that about, but honestly, it is true. Does anyone else hear their life story in someone else's lyrics? Is that strange that I do that? I so deeply & emotionally connect with a song that sometimes I almost can't listen to it because of the effects it has on me.
This song tells me to not hold back, to go forth boldly in search of my dreams. To not put limits on those dreams. That I don't want to regret not trying something. That I would rather be brave, step off that ledge and try something and fail than wonder 20 years later what could have been if I had only but tried.
And mostly, that we all have that feeling inside. Some of us are able to muster forth the courage to do it, others get entangled in the fear of the risks. What if someone things I'm silly/stupid/dorky/etc? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I lose? Been there, been called all of those, and yes it is painful, but I would rather be dorky than just average & ordinary. I would rather be me because I'm the only one who really knows how to do that.
So today, I challenge myself, and you, to step into that scary territory of the unknown and go forth boldly. I'll be right there with you, holding your hand if you need me to. Because what I'm learning is that the joys of success far outweigh the risks/consequences of not doing it/failing at it. And honestly, do we really fail? How can it really be viewed as a failure if we tried? I think the only failure is not doing anything at all. Trust me, it's going to be so much better on the other side.
elle
is so much my life. It is funny how many songs I say that about, but honestly, it is true. Does anyone else hear their life story in someone else's lyrics? Is that strange that I do that? I so deeply & emotionally connect with a song that sometimes I almost can't listen to it because of the effects it has on me.This song tells me to not hold back, to go forth boldly in search of my dreams. To not put limits on those dreams. That I don't want to regret not trying something. That I would rather be brave, step off that ledge and try something and fail than wonder 20 years later what could have been if I had only but tried.
And mostly, that we all have that feeling inside. Some of us are able to muster forth the courage to do it, others get entangled in the fear of the risks. What if someone things I'm silly/stupid/dorky/etc? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I lose? Been there, been called all of those, and yes it is painful, but I would rather be dorky than just average & ordinary. I would rather be me because I'm the only one who really knows how to do that.
So today, I challenge myself, and you, to step into that scary territory of the unknown and go forth boldly. I'll be right there with you, holding your hand if you need me to. Because what I'm learning is that the joys of success far outweigh the risks/consequences of not doing it/failing at it. And honestly, do we really fail? How can it really be viewed as a failure if we tried? I think the only failure is not doing anything at all. Trust me, it's going to be so much better on the other side.
elle
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday life...
Ah, the house is quiet (except for YouTube playlist in the background), kids are off to school, lovely fog-shrouded sunrise in progress....what could be better?
Thought I'd get a bit caught up today, being the holiday week, I always tend to bite off more than I can chew when I'm overwhelmed. Lots of bloggers & facebook friends have been documenting what they are thankful for... here's my go... (not really any any order, except the first one...)
On the relationship side of life, yes, the wrestler and I are still talking, in fact we talked every day Tuesday to Friday & my little shippy heart was totally thrilled. It was almost strange to not hear from him Saturday (he was working) or Sunday (he was at his sister's church). We are taking things very slowly, sometimes to me too slowly, but hey, I'm at least learning how to be patient. I don't think I've learned it yet. I try to not get too hopeful and to not let "things" mean anything, but that is hard because I really, really want it to. I also try to analyze my every motive for contacting him to make sure it's not going to be misread. I probably overthink it. I also end up not contacting him because I want it to be his choice, his doing, allow him to do the pursuing. But this is hard as I don't want to send the message that I'm not interested and that I don't care about him. Would sending a message that says "hey how was your day today?" fall under the pursuing category or just general friend interest, was thinking about you today category? these are some of the things I think about.
anyway, the secret is one day at a time, that is really all I need to concern myself with. Very easy to type, harder to live, but I'm trying... thanks for listening! elle
Thought I'd get a bit caught up today, being the holiday week, I always tend to bite off more than I can chew when I'm overwhelmed. Lots of bloggers & facebook friends have been documenting what they are thankful for... here's my go... (not really any any order, except the first one...)
- God, without him, I would be meaningless
- My kids, whiny, grumpy, hugging, loving, kissing, it doesn't matter - they continually challenge me to be a better mom
- Maslow's basic needs - you know, food, water & shelter. so many do not have this, or what they do have we would not consider as meeting this definition
- Men & women who put their lives on the line so that I might live mine the way I do. And challenge me to make sure it's not in vain. And their families who tirelessly support them in that endeveour
- Friends - there with a phone call, hug or whatever it is that I need that day
- My family. Yea, we're dysfunctional, but which family is NOT?
- My health - without it, I would not be able to achieve what I can every day
- My computer - I am a techno geek gadget girl after all
- Coffee - been drinking only fair trade from Modoc's lately. Wonderful flavor
- Beautiful sunrises - they remind me of God's majesty every day
- There are lots more, but 10 is a nice round number
- Cinnamon Rolls for Thanksgiving morning as well as 5th Sunday Breakfast @ church - using my mom's recipe (that she got from her gramma)
- Pumpkin "cake" for Thanksgiving
- Banana bread - before they completely rot
- Pumpkin pie (yes, i make my crust by hand too)
- Apple pie - need to peel dem apples too!
- New Christmas product for the store
- Christmas class kit & flyer
- Getting to the Y more to walk (last week was lousy!)
- Christmas shopping - game for both boys, bedding for Ben & that's about it
- Getting mom's pictures into photo albums. Thinking of only "lightly" scrapping them. Don't ask me what that means, I'm not sure...
- Cranberry salad for Thanksgiving - my Aunt Barbara helped me snag my Gramma's recipe from "out of her head"
- And all the other housekeeping, mommy duties, and other stuff I do on a weekly basis....
On the relationship side of life, yes, the wrestler and I are still talking, in fact we talked every day Tuesday to Friday & my little shippy heart was totally thrilled. It was almost strange to not hear from him Saturday (he was working) or Sunday (he was at his sister's church). We are taking things very slowly, sometimes to me too slowly, but hey, I'm at least learning how to be patient. I don't think I've learned it yet. I try to not get too hopeful and to not let "things" mean anything, but that is hard because I really, really want it to. I also try to analyze my every motive for contacting him to make sure it's not going to be misread. I probably overthink it. I also end up not contacting him because I want it to be his choice, his doing, allow him to do the pursuing. But this is hard as I don't want to send the message that I'm not interested and that I don't care about him. Would sending a message that says "hey how was your day today?" fall under the pursuing category or just general friend interest, was thinking about you today category? these are some of the things I think about.
anyway, the secret is one day at a time, that is really all I need to concern myself with. Very easy to type, harder to live, but I'm trying... thanks for listening! elle
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Indie Movie - Good Dick
OK, I'm not always a big fan of indies, but I took a chance on this one and am totally glad I did, perhaps it will turn me around yet. You can find the movie here at Netflix, Good Dick . It is about a young woman who is "addicted" to erotica/soft porn and on the surface, that might turn you off. But, like an onion, if you peel the layers back, you discover that she is actually a young woman who struggles with social interaction and it leads you to wonder why. As the movie progresses, the layers get peeled back and the root is revealed. I don't want to mention more than that, as I don't want to ruin it for you. There is also a second story arc which is her meeting this young guy and how he falls in love with her and has to learn to be patient for her to catch up. And how their relationship is really warped & twisted because of her past. At times, the dialog is lacking, and the story slows down, but overall, I think it is a very good story, realistically portrayed and well worth the watch. Just as you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, don't judge a movie by it's title (I'm so guilty of that, sometimes it's the only determining factor for me. Bad me!).
If you watch it, let me know what you think of it in the comments!
elle
If you watch it, let me know what you think of it in the comments!
elle
New photos on flickr
Just uploaded some from May 2007. Brandy & Jennifer, there are a bunch in there that you will really like!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
elle
http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
elle
Taking Risks
Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you’ll get it.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/11/02/first-be-honest-about-what-you-want/
Very interesting read. I’ve subscribed to her blog for a long time. She can be raw which can be a turn off to some, but she’s real and that is a very rare thing in “corporate” America these days. She has also managed to balance being a strong woman, with being, well, a woman and vulnerable and raising small children.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/11/02/first-be-honest-about-what-you-want/
Very interesting read. I’ve subscribed to her blog for a long time. She can be raw which can be a turn off to some, but she’s real and that is a very rare thing in “corporate” America these days. She has also managed to balance being a strong woman, with being, well, a woman and vulnerable and raising small children.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My new favorite TV show
OK, I know I said I really liked NBC’s Trauma. Still do, so very action packed. But my little SciFi heart needs more. Stargate:Universe just wasn’t cutting it. I so miss Ben Browder and Joe Flannigan….sigh….and mostly, I still miss Battlestar Galactica. Big sigh…. Growing up (OK, I was a teenager, but who’s counting?!) I loved V. Loved it. I was a bit skeptical when I found out they were doing a remake, but then I loved the reimage of BSG, so why not give it a try I thought. Oh, my heart is swooning in full, over-the-top pixilated reptilian love! As Junie B. Jones would say, Oh, wowie, wow, wow! OK, it’s true I’ve only watched 2 epis so far, but wow, they have been good ones. Only 1 beef, they have the priest swear, twice. But I know, they are human too, and he’s (obviously) under a lot of pressure. I’m totally digging the new story lines and character development. Please, oh please give me some characters with meat on them (reptilian or otherwise). I want something with depth, not just off-handed one-liners. Make ‘em work hard for that money!
I haven’t watched tonight’s yet (I DVR everything, the ONLY way to go!) so don’t spoil it for me.
LOOOVE it!
elle
I haven’t watched tonight’s yet (I DVR everything, the ONLY way to go!) so don’t spoil it for me.
LOOOVE it!
elle
be sure to watch this ...
http://www.pbs.org/pov/waywegetby/ it is not showing on my local PBS stations anymore, unfortunately I missed it on Veteran’s Day.; You can see the YouTube trailer here it is very poignant and will touch your heart in the most remarkable ways. It is available at NetFlix here http://www.netflix.com/Search?v1=The%20Way%20We%20Get%20By&lnkce=acsEnhCk I just added it to my queue.
It is not a political story, it is a personal story that speaks to the commitment of not only those who serve, but those who feel called to welcome them home.
elle
It is not a political story, it is a personal story that speaks to the commitment of not only those who serve, but those who feel called to welcome them home.
elle
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Done, it's all done... #sundaysetlists
And I didn’t even faint, puke, hyperventilate or lock my knees. I did goof up a couple of times, I suppose, but that’s ok too. And actually, I had fun doing it. Well, at least the last 2 paragraphs, and then well, I was disappointed it was over. I’m sharing this here, because many have asked to see it and thought it would be a good vehicle to use. And well, as a backup in case my computer blows up. Also, I’m participating this week in the Sunday Setlist, over at Fred McKinnon http://www.fredmckinnon.com/myblog/2009/11/15/sunday-setlists-69/ .
Please keep in mind, I’m not a pro. While I’ve done my fair share of public speaking, I must say, it’s different when you are responsible for coming up with the material. Very different. I also want to say “Thank you Pastor Kay” for allowing me this incredible opportunity, a chance to catch a glimpse into your life. Wow. It was an amazing, powerful experience.
She was wrong, she did it all wrong. She was a woman with a bad reputation, a prostitute, divorced, unclean, which one? Doesn’t matter, really. She was not supposed to be there, not supposed to do what she was doing. She was unworthy to be in the house, let alone sit at his feet. And then she broke a perfectly good alabaster jar. And washed his feet with expensive perfume. Perfume that had she sold it, she could have given the money to his cause. And dried his feet with her hair. Her hair?! What was she thinking?! She was a woman, the lowliest of low, how on earth could she even think of touching the rabbi? And by her touching him, he is now unclean. He can’t be unclean, can’t allow himself to be unclean, he wouldn’t be the messiah anymore. Surely he gets that? Right? These were Simon’s thoughts and words. How could he even think of letting her do this? If he was really the messiah, doesn’t he know who she is? And Jesus’ response? Who better to come to me than the most broken? Who needs me more?
And what about us? Who are we? Do we identify with the woman or Simon? Because here’s the deal. We can’t do God’s work without being broken. He uses our brokenness to show his greatness. It is through our brokenness that the grace of God is able to leak out of us to surround those around us. 1 peter 4:10 reminds us that we are the steward’s of God’s manifold grace….. we are the delivery mechanism. But if we are closed up, contained, a perfect alabaster jar, can that happen? And can you be that if you are just cracked a wee little bit, or would it be better to be completely broken, shattered so that it doesn’t just leak out, but it gushes out, it floods to sweep away all those around you. So that they too can get swept in the love of Christ.
Remember the kid’s song: love is something that when you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something that when you give it away, you end up having more. Love is just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you want have any, lend it spend it and you’ll have so many, they’ll roll all over the floor. Isn’t that what Christ wanted us to do, isn’t the greatest commandment to love as he has first loved us?
But can you give it away, or are you too focused like Simon on keeping your jar together? Does anyone have their jar all together? The reality is that none of us do. And so many of us, myself included, are just so focused on putting the jar back together that we hold everything inside, close to us, afraid to let it out. But I’m discovering that is the wrong approach. We need to embrace our brokenness. We need to let go of getting our jars together so that God’s love and grace can spill out of us and affect those around us. We don’t want complete jars, it just won’t work that way. It can’t get out of us and into someone else, if our jar is pristine.
We are all flawed. We all have cracks. But society teaches us we need to be perfect. In every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Every aspect of our lives is put under a microscope. We feel as though we are being judged constantly – every move we make. But who is our biggest critic? Who is our biggest judge? Who is the Simon in our life? Let’s face it, we are both. We are the woman, and we are Simon. Our biggest judge is ourselves. That internal Simon that won’t stop talking. No duct tape in site to put over his mouth. It’s almost like playing the game of Simon, remember, with the 4 colors and you had to push the colors in the order that the little computer put them in? We do the same thing. Whatever that voice says, we repeat, and repeat and repeat to ourselves until we believe them. We actually believe them.
And why do we believe those words? Because we are broken. Because we all have the same fear of rejection. We all have this inner need to be loved & valued. To be appreciated. But yet we don’t feel as though we deserve it. Because of that inner voice. And so because of that, because we are taught that being weak is the same thing as being bad and ineffective we hide our brokenness away so that no one can see it. We hide it behind these level 10 force fields trying desperately to not only keep the brokenness together and not let anyone see our damaged goods, but detrimentally also keeping his love hidden away inside. In essence, we hide those broken aspects of ourselves away, behind a mask of perfection, of a “I got it together, you’re not gonna see the icky part of me” image of what we want other people to see. Until we almost deceive ourselves.
And the most amazing, backward-thinking thing is that when you are the weakest you get the most love, when you are the most broken you get the most grace. And in turn are able to give the most love and grace. We are not able to do his work by ourselves. We have to allow him to work through us. But the only way that work comes out is by us turning off our force fields. To let it get through our security systems, climb the walls and breach the perimeter. By allowing him to show and use our brokenness. By removing the masks that hide our pain and shame.
Plain and simple, his efforts are strongest when ours are the weakest. Huh? But how can that be? We get so focused on the “should nots” and “shoulds” of being good Christian boys & girls that we loose sight of who he made us to be and who he is.
Let’s take a different look at Christ for a moment. Do you think he was ever hungry, thirsty, dirty, tired, scared, or angry? Do you ever think he just got so frustrated with the disciples because they just didn’t get it? “Peter, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, I have come to save you. I am the son of God, come on man, just trust me on this one”.
But he was also the son of Man. We tend to get so caught up in his holiness that we forget he was also human. He HAD to be human. And you know, he could have changed any circumstance in a heartbeat just by calling it out. He could have ordered a Jacuzzi tub for his feet when they were cold, hurt and tired. He could have drawn forth a feast for himself and his followers when he was hungry, a comfortable bed to lie on when he was sleepy. But he chose not to. He chose to endure, to be like us.
It was through his humanity that he was able to establish that link to us. To understand how we feel when we are scared to death, angry to our wits end, desperate with no end in site. Praying in the garden he was frustrated with his friends, his brothers. They kept falling asleep on him, they disappointed him. He rebukes them. He is scared. He sweats blood. What? That’s some serious fear there. I mean, I’ve been scared before, but that’s never happened. Dude….He knows what is coming. He doesn’t want it, but he absolutely wants to do the will of his father. He does have a choice. How tempting would it have been as a man to at that moment use his holiness to pass the cup, to at that moment just ascend to heaven and be done with the whole deal. To duck the job. How many of us would have been able to make the decision he made?
In my mind that prayer goes something like “ok, dad, listen, you know, why can’t you just like, you know, write a note, or something and give everybody a get out of jail free card and a free spin and then we can have a party and celebrate? I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with plenty of bread & fish & wine. You know I’m really good at that. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t you just give me the keys to the car and like I’ll drive away, you never have to see me again, I promise I’ll take good care of it. Isn’t there someone else who could do it? Maybe even better than me, I’m kinda squeamish on the whole blood thing. Yea, I know, I know dad, really, it is what I have to do. I don’t want to, I really don’t want to. I’m scared, what’s going to happen? Are you going to be there for me when it’s all done? I think I’m gonna need a hug after all of that. I want to do what you want me to, but, well, it’s a little over the top, don’t you think? No, there’s no other way? Ok, well, I’ll trust you, I mean you’re my dad and all and I know you know what’s best”.
How many of us, how many times, have we been there saying those exact same words to God? He understands that feeling you are feeling because he felt that same agony. His feet hurt after a long day of walking. His voice got scratchy after a long day of teaching. He got tired after a hard day’s work – he fell asleep in the middle of a storm no less. So he gets that feeling that each of us feel. It is in his very humanity that he’s able to forgive us when we get angry, when we disappoint, when we don’t live up to our potential.
He wants us to learn from those moments of despair. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others. We need to learn that there is someone else out there, this very moment that needs the experience we’ve had. Who needs that encouragement that someone else has been through the muck and the mire and survived, and maybe not just survived, but discovered how to thrive. It is our very brokenness that not only allows us to help heal someone else, but also in token to heal ourselves in the same process. But if we never admit to our brokenness and show it then how can he use it? At that point, they are just mistakes instead of stepping stones.
Henri Nouwen says in The Wounded Healer – “Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds?” so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but “How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?” When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.
Jesus is God’s wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus’ suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.”
A friend of mine once said something very similar. We all have bad ju-ju inside us. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s all the same. It ends up making us all feel the same crummy way. We begin to heal by not only recognizing that in others, but also in ourselves. By allowing ourselves to be broken in the first place. So that the love of God can be released and radiate to all those around us.
Because his grace IS sufficient, for any and all of our brokenness. It has to be, because there is no other way. There is no brokenness so dark, so bleak, so awful that the light of his grace cannot eradicate it from our souls. His grace is what allows our brokenness to heal and be transformed into his love and glory for those around us. We are the mechanisms of his grace, but only when we allow it to freely flow out of us, just as water spills forth from a broken vessel. The really amazing thing is that unlike the vessel which empties its contents and has no more, we just never run out of grace.
In a popular Christian rock song, the lyrics say:
Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Trying to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
We all need to be free to be me. The real me. The broken me.
She took a risk. She understood what could happen. She knew she could be scorned, ridiculed, thrown out of the house or worse. But she chose to do it anyway. She chose to be herself, to be free. She was the only one who could do it. Her, a broken, wounded sinful woman. Because her need for healing outweighed her fear of the consequences. Because she got it. She got what the disciples struggled to get even after 3 years with him. She got what Simon didn’t. She got that he really was the wonderful counselor, the great physician, here to heal, and save, us all, if we can but just acknowledge the brokenness.
Thank you very much for reading….
elle
Please keep in mind, I’m not a pro. While I’ve done my fair share of public speaking, I must say, it’s different when you are responsible for coming up with the material. Very different. I also want to say “Thank you Pastor Kay” for allowing me this incredible opportunity, a chance to catch a glimpse into your life. Wow. It was an amazing, powerful experience.
She was wrong, she did it all wrong. She was a woman with a bad reputation, a prostitute, divorced, unclean, which one? Doesn’t matter, really. She was not supposed to be there, not supposed to do what she was doing. She was unworthy to be in the house, let alone sit at his feet. And then she broke a perfectly good alabaster jar. And washed his feet with expensive perfume. Perfume that had she sold it, she could have given the money to his cause. And dried his feet with her hair. Her hair?! What was she thinking?! She was a woman, the lowliest of low, how on earth could she even think of touching the rabbi? And by her touching him, he is now unclean. He can’t be unclean, can’t allow himself to be unclean, he wouldn’t be the messiah anymore. Surely he gets that? Right? These were Simon’s thoughts and words. How could he even think of letting her do this? If he was really the messiah, doesn’t he know who she is? And Jesus’ response? Who better to come to me than the most broken? Who needs me more?
And what about us? Who are we? Do we identify with the woman or Simon? Because here’s the deal. We can’t do God’s work without being broken. He uses our brokenness to show his greatness. It is through our brokenness that the grace of God is able to leak out of us to surround those around us. 1 peter 4:10 reminds us that we are the steward’s of God’s manifold grace….. we are the delivery mechanism. But if we are closed up, contained, a perfect alabaster jar, can that happen? And can you be that if you are just cracked a wee little bit, or would it be better to be completely broken, shattered so that it doesn’t just leak out, but it gushes out, it floods to sweep away all those around you. So that they too can get swept in the love of Christ.
Remember the kid’s song: love is something that when you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something that when you give it away, you end up having more. Love is just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you want have any, lend it spend it and you’ll have so many, they’ll roll all over the floor. Isn’t that what Christ wanted us to do, isn’t the greatest commandment to love as he has first loved us?
But can you give it away, or are you too focused like Simon on keeping your jar together? Does anyone have their jar all together? The reality is that none of us do. And so many of us, myself included, are just so focused on putting the jar back together that we hold everything inside, close to us, afraid to let it out. But I’m discovering that is the wrong approach. We need to embrace our brokenness. We need to let go of getting our jars together so that God’s love and grace can spill out of us and affect those around us. We don’t want complete jars, it just won’t work that way. It can’t get out of us and into someone else, if our jar is pristine.
We are all flawed. We all have cracks. But society teaches us we need to be perfect. In every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Every aspect of our lives is put under a microscope. We feel as though we are being judged constantly – every move we make. But who is our biggest critic? Who is our biggest judge? Who is the Simon in our life? Let’s face it, we are both. We are the woman, and we are Simon. Our biggest judge is ourselves. That internal Simon that won’t stop talking. No duct tape in site to put over his mouth. It’s almost like playing the game of Simon, remember, with the 4 colors and you had to push the colors in the order that the little computer put them in? We do the same thing. Whatever that voice says, we repeat, and repeat and repeat to ourselves until we believe them. We actually believe them.
And why do we believe those words? Because we are broken. Because we all have the same fear of rejection. We all have this inner need to be loved & valued. To be appreciated. But yet we don’t feel as though we deserve it. Because of that inner voice. And so because of that, because we are taught that being weak is the same thing as being bad and ineffective we hide our brokenness away so that no one can see it. We hide it behind these level 10 force fields trying desperately to not only keep the brokenness together and not let anyone see our damaged goods, but detrimentally also keeping his love hidden away inside. In essence, we hide those broken aspects of ourselves away, behind a mask of perfection, of a “I got it together, you’re not gonna see the icky part of me” image of what we want other people to see. Until we almost deceive ourselves.
And the most amazing, backward-thinking thing is that when you are the weakest you get the most love, when you are the most broken you get the most grace. And in turn are able to give the most love and grace. We are not able to do his work by ourselves. We have to allow him to work through us. But the only way that work comes out is by us turning off our force fields. To let it get through our security systems, climb the walls and breach the perimeter. By allowing him to show and use our brokenness. By removing the masks that hide our pain and shame.
Plain and simple, his efforts are strongest when ours are the weakest. Huh? But how can that be? We get so focused on the “should nots” and “shoulds” of being good Christian boys & girls that we loose sight of who he made us to be and who he is.
Let’s take a different look at Christ for a moment. Do you think he was ever hungry, thirsty, dirty, tired, scared, or angry? Do you ever think he just got so frustrated with the disciples because they just didn’t get it? “Peter, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, I have come to save you. I am the son of God, come on man, just trust me on this one”.
But he was also the son of Man. We tend to get so caught up in his holiness that we forget he was also human. He HAD to be human. And you know, he could have changed any circumstance in a heartbeat just by calling it out. He could have ordered a Jacuzzi tub for his feet when they were cold, hurt and tired. He could have drawn forth a feast for himself and his followers when he was hungry, a comfortable bed to lie on when he was sleepy. But he chose not to. He chose to endure, to be like us.
It was through his humanity that he was able to establish that link to us. To understand how we feel when we are scared to death, angry to our wits end, desperate with no end in site. Praying in the garden he was frustrated with his friends, his brothers. They kept falling asleep on him, they disappointed him. He rebukes them. He is scared. He sweats blood. What? That’s some serious fear there. I mean, I’ve been scared before, but that’s never happened. Dude….He knows what is coming. He doesn’t want it, but he absolutely wants to do the will of his father. He does have a choice. How tempting would it have been as a man to at that moment use his holiness to pass the cup, to at that moment just ascend to heaven and be done with the whole deal. To duck the job. How many of us would have been able to make the decision he made?
In my mind that prayer goes something like “ok, dad, listen, you know, why can’t you just like, you know, write a note, or something and give everybody a get out of jail free card and a free spin and then we can have a party and celebrate? I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with plenty of bread & fish & wine. You know I’m really good at that. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t you just give me the keys to the car and like I’ll drive away, you never have to see me again, I promise I’ll take good care of it. Isn’t there someone else who could do it? Maybe even better than me, I’m kinda squeamish on the whole blood thing. Yea, I know, I know dad, really, it is what I have to do. I don’t want to, I really don’t want to. I’m scared, what’s going to happen? Are you going to be there for me when it’s all done? I think I’m gonna need a hug after all of that. I want to do what you want me to, but, well, it’s a little over the top, don’t you think? No, there’s no other way? Ok, well, I’ll trust you, I mean you’re my dad and all and I know you know what’s best”.
How many of us, how many times, have we been there saying those exact same words to God? He understands that feeling you are feeling because he felt that same agony. His feet hurt after a long day of walking. His voice got scratchy after a long day of teaching. He got tired after a hard day’s work – he fell asleep in the middle of a storm no less. So he gets that feeling that each of us feel. It is in his very humanity that he’s able to forgive us when we get angry, when we disappoint, when we don’t live up to our potential.
He wants us to learn from those moments of despair. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others. We need to learn that there is someone else out there, this very moment that needs the experience we’ve had. Who needs that encouragement that someone else has been through the muck and the mire and survived, and maybe not just survived, but discovered how to thrive. It is our very brokenness that not only allows us to help heal someone else, but also in token to heal ourselves in the same process. But if we never admit to our brokenness and show it then how can he use it? At that point, they are just mistakes instead of stepping stones.
Henri Nouwen says in The Wounded Healer – “Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds?” so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but “How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?” When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.
Jesus is God’s wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus’ suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.”
A friend of mine once said something very similar. We all have bad ju-ju inside us. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s all the same. It ends up making us all feel the same crummy way. We begin to heal by not only recognizing that in others, but also in ourselves. By allowing ourselves to be broken in the first place. So that the love of God can be released and radiate to all those around us.
Because his grace IS sufficient, for any and all of our brokenness. It has to be, because there is no other way. There is no brokenness so dark, so bleak, so awful that the light of his grace cannot eradicate it from our souls. His grace is what allows our brokenness to heal and be transformed into his love and glory for those around us. We are the mechanisms of his grace, but only when we allow it to freely flow out of us, just as water spills forth from a broken vessel. The really amazing thing is that unlike the vessel which empties its contents and has no more, we just never run out of grace.
In a popular Christian rock song, the lyrics say:
Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Trying to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
We all need to be free to be me. The real me. The broken me.
She took a risk. She understood what could happen. She knew she could be scorned, ridiculed, thrown out of the house or worse. But she chose to do it anyway. She chose to be herself, to be free. She was the only one who could do it. Her, a broken, wounded sinful woman. Because her need for healing outweighed her fear of the consequences. Because she got it. She got what the disciples struggled to get even after 3 years with him. She got what Simon didn’t. She got that he really was the wonderful counselor, the great physician, here to heal, and save, us all, if we can but just acknowledge the brokenness.
Thank you very much for reading….
elle
Friday, November 13, 2009
very succinct
I really like this, it is very much along the lines of my message for Sunday…. http://www.theworshipcommunity.com/forums/pure-praise-group-study-worshipers/4176-brokeness-heart-god.html
friday the 13th...
Aarhhhhhh, run away, run away…. No I’m not really phobic of Friday the 13th, although there is a phobia for it, but I forget what it is….ah, good ole wiki to the rescue…. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th....
Anyway, read through my message 2x, it’s about 16 minutes, so that’s sweet, need to do my grocery list, then work on my 25 stories of Christmas album for the blog hop (yup, I’m a big looser cause I only posted up to #8 last night before the deadline) then it’s off to the y for some walking esp. since I missed yesterday, then to FISH then grab some lunch and get some 000 lovin’ then to grocery store, back home, breathe and take the kids to kokomo since it’s a daddy weekend. I’m gonna really miss them, I always do……
So I hate reading, but I can’t memorize all 7 pages of it, cause I stink at that…. Do you think the church would splurge for a tele-prompter?? Yea, me neither….ok, guess I’m going to have to be ok with reading it…..
elle
Anyway, read through my message 2x, it’s about 16 minutes, so that’s sweet, need to do my grocery list, then work on my 25 stories of Christmas album for the blog hop (yup, I’m a big looser cause I only posted up to #8 last night before the deadline) then it’s off to the y for some walking esp. since I missed yesterday, then to FISH then grab some lunch and get some 000 lovin’ then to grocery store, back home, breathe and take the kids to kokomo since it’s a daddy weekend. I’m gonna really miss them, I always do……
So I hate reading, but I can’t memorize all 7 pages of it, cause I stink at that…. Do you think the church would splurge for a tele-prompter?? Yea, me neither….ok, guess I’m going to have to be ok with reading it…..
elle
Thursday, November 12, 2009
one of my most favoritest songs....
see previous post, but this really sums up my "scaredness" of life....
this man is so talented, and hot i tell ya, too bad he's married! lol
this man is so talented, and hot i tell ya, too bad he's married! lol
big dork...
that's what i am. because doing the adorn it blog hop project, giving the message on sunday, prepping new product to put up on the shop & parenting 2 boys (in addition to everything else!) isn't enough that i have to decide to re-arrange my studio too. that tends to be what i do when i get overwhelmed. anyone else? so i've decided i'm mental....
ok, lots has happened, and not, all at the same time. i watched 000 on sunday, that was a lot of fun, he's a good baby, and we took a nap together. i also had a chance to make some pumpkin purree so i can make pies and bread (which 006 calls cake & loves!). i also need to get apples peeled & frozen for pies. and make crusts... yup, i'm mental. but we did make caramel apples, which were a big hit even with the wrestler (new name for mr. he who should not be named, that is just toooo long!).
when he got back, he had to change the headlight in his car (good idea!) and so 000 & i were watching him through the door. all i could keep thinking was "dang, your dad is hot!" as he's leaning over the front of the car...then he joined us for supper (i was totally shocked that he agreed) and he said he loved my cooking. wow, thanks! after the boys were done eating, we finished up and then just sat around talking. that was a lot of fun.
the whole time i'm so keyed up, but in a good way. wanted to kiss him, but we don't. i was a bit disappointed with that. i know, take it slow, but one little kiss wouldn't be bad would it? he had wedneday off because of veteran's day, and was hoping to sleep in. i found out yesterday that didn't happen. poor guy, he's so beat.
the rest of the week has been pretty uneventful in that area and i guess it is good & bad at the same time. i want so much more but i know i need to be patient and slow. i'm trying to be, but it is really hard. my therapist asked me what it would look like to let him pursue me. hard, i said. cause i'm afraid he won't. and honestly, i don't think i've ever been pursued by a man. not even really the recruiter, it took me making the first move cause he was too scared. and i know it's my fault, i don't allow them to because i'm too busy pursuing them. so i'm going to step into that fear and try it and see what happens. just hold my hand, ok?
because underneath it all i'm finally understanding is this fear of abandonment. i'm having to stare it in the face and call it out and take it's power away. it is hard. my mother emotionally abandoned me as a child (i never heard her say the words "i love you" to me until i was an adult) my brothers abandoned their brotherly relationship with me when i was very young. boyfriends abandoned me for other girls who were better than me, my first husband abandoned me to pursue his alcoholism/narcotics addition, and i've been abandoning people first for fear they will do it to me. better to be the first one, right? not really cause now my second husband abandoned me so that he could go live a life of his own, without me and one of my brothers, though he lives here in town, does absolutely nothing to help me with my mom & dad. so yea, that's a theme for me. abandonment. i've got issues. and yes, i know god will never abandon me, so let's just put that out there. that is a wonderful, amazing thing, but it hasn't taken the fear away yet.
i have to step into the fear, risk being abandoned again. and one of two things is going to happen. first, it could validate the fact that i'm just always going to be abandoned because that is what happens in my life. or second, if i choose to hang back and allow him to pursue, then i'll come out stronger knowing that i chose it & i can survive it. whether or not he chooses to pursue me.
that's some scary stuff right there.
been working on my message for sunday. i'm thinking of posting it here on monday to share.
thanks for listening & helping my process these feelings. now it's on to putting my studio back together so i can get my project done!
elle
ok, lots has happened, and not, all at the same time. i watched 000 on sunday, that was a lot of fun, he's a good baby, and we took a nap together. i also had a chance to make some pumpkin purree so i can make pies and bread (which 006 calls cake & loves!). i also need to get apples peeled & frozen for pies. and make crusts... yup, i'm mental. but we did make caramel apples, which were a big hit even with the wrestler (new name for mr. he who should not be named, that is just toooo long!).
when he got back, he had to change the headlight in his car (good idea!) and so 000 & i were watching him through the door. all i could keep thinking was "dang, your dad is hot!" as he's leaning over the front of the car...then he joined us for supper (i was totally shocked that he agreed) and he said he loved my cooking. wow, thanks! after the boys were done eating, we finished up and then just sat around talking. that was a lot of fun.
the whole time i'm so keyed up, but in a good way. wanted to kiss him, but we don't. i was a bit disappointed with that. i know, take it slow, but one little kiss wouldn't be bad would it? he had wedneday off because of veteran's day, and was hoping to sleep in. i found out yesterday that didn't happen. poor guy, he's so beat.
the rest of the week has been pretty uneventful in that area and i guess it is good & bad at the same time. i want so much more but i know i need to be patient and slow. i'm trying to be, but it is really hard. my therapist asked me what it would look like to let him pursue me. hard, i said. cause i'm afraid he won't. and honestly, i don't think i've ever been pursued by a man. not even really the recruiter, it took me making the first move cause he was too scared. and i know it's my fault, i don't allow them to because i'm too busy pursuing them. so i'm going to step into that fear and try it and see what happens. just hold my hand, ok?
because underneath it all i'm finally understanding is this fear of abandonment. i'm having to stare it in the face and call it out and take it's power away. it is hard. my mother emotionally abandoned me as a child (i never heard her say the words "i love you" to me until i was an adult) my brothers abandoned their brotherly relationship with me when i was very young. boyfriends abandoned me for other girls who were better than me, my first husband abandoned me to pursue his alcoholism/narcotics addition, and i've been abandoning people first for fear they will do it to me. better to be the first one, right? not really cause now my second husband abandoned me so that he could go live a life of his own, without me and one of my brothers, though he lives here in town, does absolutely nothing to help me with my mom & dad. so yea, that's a theme for me. abandonment. i've got issues. and yes, i know god will never abandon me, so let's just put that out there. that is a wonderful, amazing thing, but it hasn't taken the fear away yet.
i have to step into the fear, risk being abandoned again. and one of two things is going to happen. first, it could validate the fact that i'm just always going to be abandoned because that is what happens in my life. or second, if i choose to hang back and allow him to pursue, then i'll come out stronger knowing that i chose it & i can survive it. whether or not he chooses to pursue me.
that's some scary stuff right there.
been working on my message for sunday. i'm thinking of posting it here on monday to share.
thanks for listening & helping my process these feelings. now it's on to putting my studio back together so i can get my project done!
elle
re:post - cool homeschool resources
I don’t homeschool my kids (thought about it once or twice…)but we do do a lot of school at home work. Here is a post from another blog that I love to read where she shares a cool site that helps with spelling words & another that has some really good forms to use for what she calls “illustrate & write” which 006 does a lot of in class. Both my kids love to draw & I love to see what they have to say about their artwork so I think it is a wonderful idea! Check it out here….
http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2009/11/illustrate-and-write/
http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2009/11/illustrate-and-write/
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
my faves from this set....
this one is from logansport high school. the recruiter (yes, i'm that far behind!) had asked me to go to a color guard event with him. for some reason i fell in love with how the buses looked lined up. at first i didn't like the chain link, but i think now it adds some nice tension to the shot. what do you think?
and to honor all those hard working farmers out there... loved the color of the sunrise hitting the combine. and yes for some reason i have a thing for farming equipment....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
wonderful imagery
Ever since my buddy & role model warren left us to go join the praise band in heaven, I have been a huge max fan. They handed out his grace for the moment devotional at his funeral and I’ve been reading it every day since. This came in my inspired faith newsletter today. This man has a wonderful spiritual gift of painting a picture with his words. A picture that is so simple and powerful that it drives it right to your heart.
Thank you max for sharing your gift to bring spiritual comfort to all those around you.
Thank you max for sharing your gift to bring spiritual comfort to all those around you.
Our Savior kneels down and gazes upon the darkest acts of our lives. But rather than recoil in horror, he reaches out in kindness and says, “I can clean that if you want.” And from the basin of his grace, he scoops a palm full of mercy and washes our sin.
Max Lucado
Monday, November 9, 2009
message read-through questions
Is 15 minutes give/take too long for a “sermon”? I don’t like calling it actually that as I’m not a pro…. What do you think? Let me know ….
Saturday, November 7, 2009
movie night - a day late....
just got done doing movie night with boys. bob hoskin's version of super mario brothers circa 1992 - cute!
Friday, November 6, 2009
whadda day...
So I met with the pastor regarding my message. She liked it. I have a bit more I want to flesh out yet. It read at 10, I’d like to get it just a wee bit longer. I’m going to have my bro, the ex-pro check it out tomorrow since he’s here in town.
Then I went to FISH to pack. We did 8 families. What a surprise to find out that Trinity Lutheran Church & Thrivent financial had donated a bunch of reusable shopping bags jammed packed (is that just a hoosier-ism I wonder?) with hygiene and cleaning supplies, at least $20 per bag, wow!
Then it was off to see sweet little 000 (of course what else to call him at 9 weeks?!?!?) while gramma did some grocery shopping. Ooooo, that was so much fun.
Then I did my own grocery shopping at the local Kroger. Ok, so here comes the rant. I’m sure you were waiting for it. Kroger, oh dear Kroger, can you please gift to all of your employees enough company shirts so that they can wear a different (and presumably clean one) shirt for each day they work. He was ripe. And I don’t mean like a fruit. He had to be miserable. Either that, or he needs to do laundry more often.
We had supper at the parental units so that grampa could take them swimming and I stayed to balance their accounts and get that stuff squared away. For those of you who are unfamiliar, my mom, who used to do ALL that stuff, has suffered irreparable damage to her brain from the radiation treatments over the years. My dad, after 40 years, has forgotten how to do it all. So that is where I come in. My advice, if your parents are 65ish or more. Get to know them. Really well. Like where they spend their money, where they keep their wills. What insurance coverage they have and DON”T have. Who their agents are. What reoccurring bills they have. What retirement funds they have. Who their doctors are & why they see them. How they pay their bills. DO NOT WAIT until it is too late. I cannot say this enough or strongly enough. I have had to learn more about medical reimbursement plans, medicare, supplemental insurance and the way my parents spend their money than I really care to. Sometimes it feels as though I violate their privacy, but I am honored they trust me. But, and here’s the big thing, I know I’m prepared if something happens to one of them. And in that moment I don’t have to worry about all the little insignificant details such as did the house/car/insurance payment get made, because I know it did, and I can worry about what I really need to worry about at that point. Cause trust me, you’re not going to care about it right then, nor should you have to.
Both the boys fell asleep, so I just about killed myself getting them upstairs and then tripping all over the toys, wowza! Ok, tomorrow we may need to do a bit of cleaning.
As many of you know, I started walking at the YMCA this week in town and have totally dug it, not wanted to stop most times. I didn’t get to go today and I was totally bummed but am thrilled that I did 8 miles more of exercise this week than I did last week, so I’m really looking forward to getting back down there. And truth be told, my shins could use the break, I think I need better shoes.
elle
Then I went to FISH to pack. We did 8 families. What a surprise to find out that Trinity Lutheran Church & Thrivent financial had donated a bunch of reusable shopping bags jammed packed (is that just a hoosier-ism I wonder?) with hygiene and cleaning supplies, at least $20 per bag, wow!
Then it was off to see sweet little 000 (of course what else to call him at 9 weeks?!?!?) while gramma did some grocery shopping. Ooooo, that was so much fun.
Then I did my own grocery shopping at the local Kroger. Ok, so here comes the rant. I’m sure you were waiting for it. Kroger, oh dear Kroger, can you please gift to all of your employees enough company shirts so that they can wear a different (and presumably clean one) shirt for each day they work. He was ripe. And I don’t mean like a fruit. He had to be miserable. Either that, or he needs to do laundry more often.
We had supper at the parental units so that grampa could take them swimming and I stayed to balance their accounts and get that stuff squared away. For those of you who are unfamiliar, my mom, who used to do ALL that stuff, has suffered irreparable damage to her brain from the radiation treatments over the years. My dad, after 40 years, has forgotten how to do it all. So that is where I come in. My advice, if your parents are 65ish or more. Get to know them. Really well. Like where they spend their money, where they keep their wills. What insurance coverage they have and DON”T have. Who their agents are. What reoccurring bills they have. What retirement funds they have. Who their doctors are & why they see them. How they pay their bills. DO NOT WAIT until it is too late. I cannot say this enough or strongly enough. I have had to learn more about medical reimbursement plans, medicare, supplemental insurance and the way my parents spend their money than I really care to. Sometimes it feels as though I violate their privacy, but I am honored they trust me. But, and here’s the big thing, I know I’m prepared if something happens to one of them. And in that moment I don’t have to worry about all the little insignificant details such as did the house/car/insurance payment get made, because I know it did, and I can worry about what I really need to worry about at that point. Cause trust me, you’re not going to care about it right then, nor should you have to.
Both the boys fell asleep, so I just about killed myself getting them upstairs and then tripping all over the toys, wowza! Ok, tomorrow we may need to do a bit of cleaning.
As many of you know, I started walking at the YMCA this week in town and have totally dug it, not wanted to stop most times. I didn’t get to go today and I was totally bummed but am thrilled that I did 8 miles more of exercise this week than I did last week, so I’m really looking forward to getting back down there. And truth be told, my shins could use the break, I think I need better shoes.
elle
update on 006
Ok, we’re fairly certain now after a rather “weird” procedure that he does not have cystic fibrosis. The test results are back and we’ve not heard anything so that is good news. Other good news, he had the best lung function test – ever – probably because I’ve been dumping bronchial dilators into him at an obscene rate, so I guess I can stop doing that. The bad news is that there is something else causing his symptoms and she’s questioning his adenoids. 008 had his taken out when he was almost 5. along with his tonsils. So, the next up is a sleep study. I’m all for just taking him directly to an ent to be evaluated but whatever. We did the sleep study with (then) 004 and then went to the ent who told me “I don’t even need to look down his throat, they need to come out. I can tell just by listening to him talk.” Wow, confidence, I love that! And he was right. Said the sleep study was a waste of time and money. I tend to agree with him, hence my desire to go straight to him. If you are in the (indy) area, it is dr. fang out on the south campus of st. francis. He has a private surgical center. He also repaired bob’s deviated septum (one of the worst this dude has ever seen) and did a magnificent job. If it comes to that, 006 will also go there, we decided last night. It’s weird that we communicate better now than we ever did together… anyway…..
Another good bit of news, 006 gained a whole pound since the last visit, which is what started this whole thing. YEA zacky!!! I was really surprised to hear this as his appetite has been pretty crummy lately & he’s been sick. So he’s on the rebound would be my guess. He’s just never been a big eater. I think there are people in the 3rd world (no offense, I’m not trying to be mean) who eat more than this child, so you can see her (and my) concern.
On a completely unrelated note, I updated my business logo, be sure to go to www.benzillascrapping.com to check it out!
elle
Another good bit of news, 006 gained a whole pound since the last visit, which is what started this whole thing. YEA zacky!!! I was really surprised to hear this as his appetite has been pretty crummy lately & he’s been sick. So he’s on the rebound would be my guess. He’s just never been a big eater. I think there are people in the 3rd world (no offense, I’m not trying to be mean) who eat more than this child, so you can see her (and my) concern.
On a completely unrelated note, I updated my business logo, be sure to go to www.benzillascrapping.com to check it out!
elle
Thursday, November 5, 2009
singing+reading =
My voice completely shot, but what a great night, we are working on our Christmas cantata….
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
pulmologist visit tomorrow
Just a word of prayer from everyone would be really appreciated. We’ve had a lot of “asthma activity” from both boys the past couple months, they go see their doctor tomorrow and she is new. We miss our old one, but she’s in Chicago now. Zack especially is coming under fire because we didn’t even know at the time he was having an asthma flareup (at their last appointment) so hopefully we will get better at identifying his signs. Also, she is very concerned about his weight. He has always been lean, but now he’s not even keeping to his own weight gain curve and she fears cystic fibrosis. I don’t think it is, as he doesn’t appear to have the symptoms, but she wants to test him just to rule it out. We’ve been trying to fatten him up for winter, but he’s good at just eating until he’s not hungry anymore. And we’ve tried (well, read that I’ve tried) to be better at packing a snack for school. So let’s see if our efforts pay off. I’ll know tomorrow….
elle
elle
day #3
Off to the y again. 15 laps goal, 20 stretch goal. After that, going to my mom’s to take care of her for a bit.
The First E-Mail Address: Raising an Internet-Savvy Child | GeekDad | Wired.com
The First E-Mail Address: Raising an Internet-Savvy Child | GeekDad | Wired.com
just some very good, cursory advice for parents of tech-aware children, and whose are not? as a former email systems admin, i wish my users would have followed this advice, but that was at least a million years ago and the internet is just a completely different creature.
just some very good, cursory advice for parents of tech-aware children, and whose are not? as a former email systems admin, i wish my users would have followed this advice, but that was at least a million years ago and the internet is just a completely different creature.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
national sandwich day
Be sure to celebrate!!!!
Michelle Roudebush
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Sunday, November 1, 2009
my crazy, so-called life
listening to my youtube playlist. if you're interested, search for BenzillaScrapping and you can find it. right now it's having queueing issues. that drives me a bit crazy. john mayer, he's got a great voice, and his lyrics are rich, deep.
so, i have a lot to say. in regards to mr. he who shall not be named. maybe someday i will share his name, but not now, not yet. just still to uncertain. actually my heart is breaking for him. he is going through some really awful tough stuff. but i can honestly say, he is one of the strongest men i've ever known. a quiet strength. determined strength. resilient. tough. faithful. hopeful. secure in his decisions. i know he will come out on the other side of it even stronger.
ok, so the selfish part....i just might get my chance with him after all. thursday after choir practice i stopped by, tried to see him. he was home & i thought that was weird. he didn't answer the door, or the text i sent him, so i left a note under his windshield. a nice one "hey, stopped by" kind of note. ended up going home, taking a shower, watching tv. but in the shower i was mad. I mean MAD. mad at myself for trying (again) mad at god cause he's not taken these feelings out of me. what's the point of feeling them, they're never going to go anywhere. i wailed, and i gnashed & i lamented. i was mad after the shower too. i went to bed mad.
friday morning i overslept, i don't know why, i did not go to bed late. but i got up in time to make it to fish to pack. then i wanted to get new mucksuckers for the fishtank cause i really hate cleaning it. went to walmart (i don't really like shopping there, but depending on what i need, i have to) and ran into a girlfriend there. leaving, i checked my phone and there was a text from him. from the night before so i responded back & also noticed he'd try to call 2x that night. wow, this really surprised me. he was trying pretty hard to get ahold of me. he responded back and we had an interesting "conversation" via text. he asked if he could stop by on his way home. sure thing, i even have beer.
so he stopped by. we talked. he told me what was going on in his life. i was floored. he mentioned that he couldn't stop thinking about the last time we were together in june. yea, me neither. that he really liked kissing me & wanted to do it more. i agreed, but told him i also don't want it to just be about that. he's not ready for a relationship, i don't think i am either. but i told him i want to hang out, get to know him again, just have fun with him & he totally agreed.
he is such an amazing kisser, i won't go into how it makes me feel, that's probably too personal but let's just say it involves butterflies & a lot more. my head is spinning. i can't believe it. i'm scared. what if i get attached (duh!) and he doesn't? what if we both do? i don't want to just be the fill-in girl. i want to be his friend. yes, and i want to be more, eventually. but i'm not ready. my heart is not ready, and neither is his. and yes, it got hot.
so how do we proceed, carefully, slowly, with the fact that we are both (extremely!) attracted to each other. especially since i've been waiting some 22 years. i'm not sure. other than to just take it 1 day at a time. very carefully.
saturday i went to day of healing and that was amazing, i learned so much, and need to start putting it into practice. didn't talk to him. i also know he needs his space. i want to respect that. he said that when he left friday he would see me at church.
sunday when i got there, he was not. and he didn't show & didn't show. my heart was stabbed through. he's made this promise before. but yet friday was talking about how he wanted to raise his son in the church so i thought he was serious this time. and that he would be there when i give the message, which scares me and delights me all at the same time. he wants to support me? cool! be there for me? awesome! i was so disappointed. and then, he shows up. oh wow. he sits with his dad and i've got such a great view of him. but i'm supposed to pay attention to pastor kay. whoa boy. ok.
we have a pitchin afterwards for the council meeting. he stays for the meal. i don't get to talk to him much after service other than to give him a hug and see how he's doing. he says 1 day at a time. i know something's going on, but we don't really get a chance to talk. he will when he's ready & I know that. he leaves before the meeting (which i stay for) so i walk him out & he gives me a hug, thanks me & says he wants to have me over for dinner some night soon after he gets the house put back together. he's moved back to his house. i told him i don't really care about the house, but whenever he's ready i say. and you know where to find me. and i walk away. it kills me cause i want to kiss him & touch him, but i guess it's just not right. but i got to look into his eyes and i saw amazing things there. pain, yes, but fondness, desire, and a general i'm really glad to see you kind of thing too. that makes my heart sing.
i am so hoping that god leads me in how 'm supposed to approach this. above all, i want to be his friend, be helpful if i can, be supportive if i can and i hope he will show me the way. yea, i want more, but i want most just for him to find joy & peace in his life. i think he's on the right road, just don't know my involvement just yet.
and yesterday and today i realized i need to find the same thing, separate from being with him. that i need to find that even to the exclusion of him. if that makes sense. and i think i'm on that road too. that it is not our circumstances that define that. that yes, you can still have faith in the absence of hope. because if you hang in there faith will bring you back to hope. that feeling without hope does not mean you don't believe. and that it is ok to question because it is in the questioning that you find answers.
so yes, i'm terrified about all of this, but i trust god. that is where i have to start. he will not leave me no matter what. so i'm not going to act on the terror and hole myself up someplace to protect my heart. instead i'm going to cautiously walk this path, slowly, steadily and see where it goes. because that is how i'm going to find my answers about him too. and i'm not going to live the next 22 years of my life regretting not taking this second chance. because that is how i see it.
i have questions for he who shall not be named. and eventually, when the time is right, i will ask them. but right now, i don't think he knows either.
thanks for listening, i know it's sorta rambling, but i process by dumping, and that is what this is, a brain & a heart dump. i also process by listening to others. so last night i spent an hour on the phone with a friend talking about it and she had some very good questions i need to get answers to. see above paragraph. but i do agree with her.
dr. townsend said saturday that the key to a satisfied, full-potential life is to honor your values & your passions. so i'm in the process of defining those. i need to know which ones i'll compromise and which ones i won't in order to have a relationship/nonrelationship with him.
what are yours? do you know? you should find them.
so, i have a lot to say. in regards to mr. he who shall not be named. maybe someday i will share his name, but not now, not yet. just still to uncertain. actually my heart is breaking for him. he is going through some really awful tough stuff. but i can honestly say, he is one of the strongest men i've ever known. a quiet strength. determined strength. resilient. tough. faithful. hopeful. secure in his decisions. i know he will come out on the other side of it even stronger.
ok, so the selfish part....i just might get my chance with him after all. thursday after choir practice i stopped by, tried to see him. he was home & i thought that was weird. he didn't answer the door, or the text i sent him, so i left a note under his windshield. a nice one "hey, stopped by" kind of note. ended up going home, taking a shower, watching tv. but in the shower i was mad. I mean MAD. mad at myself for trying (again) mad at god cause he's not taken these feelings out of me. what's the point of feeling them, they're never going to go anywhere. i wailed, and i gnashed & i lamented. i was mad after the shower too. i went to bed mad.
friday morning i overslept, i don't know why, i did not go to bed late. but i got up in time to make it to fish to pack. then i wanted to get new mucksuckers for the fishtank cause i really hate cleaning it. went to walmart (i don't really like shopping there, but depending on what i need, i have to) and ran into a girlfriend there. leaving, i checked my phone and there was a text from him. from the night before so i responded back & also noticed he'd try to call 2x that night. wow, this really surprised me. he was trying pretty hard to get ahold of me. he responded back and we had an interesting "conversation" via text. he asked if he could stop by on his way home. sure thing, i even have beer.
so he stopped by. we talked. he told me what was going on in his life. i was floored. he mentioned that he couldn't stop thinking about the last time we were together in june. yea, me neither. that he really liked kissing me & wanted to do it more. i agreed, but told him i also don't want it to just be about that. he's not ready for a relationship, i don't think i am either. but i told him i want to hang out, get to know him again, just have fun with him & he totally agreed.
he is such an amazing kisser, i won't go into how it makes me feel, that's probably too personal but let's just say it involves butterflies & a lot more. my head is spinning. i can't believe it. i'm scared. what if i get attached (duh!) and he doesn't? what if we both do? i don't want to just be the fill-in girl. i want to be his friend. yes, and i want to be more, eventually. but i'm not ready. my heart is not ready, and neither is his. and yes, it got hot.
so how do we proceed, carefully, slowly, with the fact that we are both (extremely!) attracted to each other. especially since i've been waiting some 22 years. i'm not sure. other than to just take it 1 day at a time. very carefully.
saturday i went to day of healing and that was amazing, i learned so much, and need to start putting it into practice. didn't talk to him. i also know he needs his space. i want to respect that. he said that when he left friday he would see me at church.
sunday when i got there, he was not. and he didn't show & didn't show. my heart was stabbed through. he's made this promise before. but yet friday was talking about how he wanted to raise his son in the church so i thought he was serious this time. and that he would be there when i give the message, which scares me and delights me all at the same time. he wants to support me? cool! be there for me? awesome! i was so disappointed. and then, he shows up. oh wow. he sits with his dad and i've got such a great view of him. but i'm supposed to pay attention to pastor kay. whoa boy. ok.
we have a pitchin afterwards for the council meeting. he stays for the meal. i don't get to talk to him much after service other than to give him a hug and see how he's doing. he says 1 day at a time. i know something's going on, but we don't really get a chance to talk. he will when he's ready & I know that. he leaves before the meeting (which i stay for) so i walk him out & he gives me a hug, thanks me & says he wants to have me over for dinner some night soon after he gets the house put back together. he's moved back to his house. i told him i don't really care about the house, but whenever he's ready i say. and you know where to find me. and i walk away. it kills me cause i want to kiss him & touch him, but i guess it's just not right. but i got to look into his eyes and i saw amazing things there. pain, yes, but fondness, desire, and a general i'm really glad to see you kind of thing too. that makes my heart sing.
i am so hoping that god leads me in how 'm supposed to approach this. above all, i want to be his friend, be helpful if i can, be supportive if i can and i hope he will show me the way. yea, i want more, but i want most just for him to find joy & peace in his life. i think he's on the right road, just don't know my involvement just yet.
and yesterday and today i realized i need to find the same thing, separate from being with him. that i need to find that even to the exclusion of him. if that makes sense. and i think i'm on that road too. that it is not our circumstances that define that. that yes, you can still have faith in the absence of hope. because if you hang in there faith will bring you back to hope. that feeling without hope does not mean you don't believe. and that it is ok to question because it is in the questioning that you find answers.
so yes, i'm terrified about all of this, but i trust god. that is where i have to start. he will not leave me no matter what. so i'm not going to act on the terror and hole myself up someplace to protect my heart. instead i'm going to cautiously walk this path, slowly, steadily and see where it goes. because that is how i'm going to find my answers about him too. and i'm not going to live the next 22 years of my life regretting not taking this second chance. because that is how i see it.
i have questions for he who shall not be named. and eventually, when the time is right, i will ask them. but right now, i don't think he knows either.
thanks for listening, i know it's sorta rambling, but i process by dumping, and that is what this is, a brain & a heart dump. i also process by listening to others. so last night i spent an hour on the phone with a friend talking about it and she had some very good questions i need to get answers to. see above paragraph. but i do agree with her.
dr. townsend said saturday that the key to a satisfied, full-potential life is to honor your values & your passions. so i'm in the process of defining those. i need to know which ones i'll compromise and which ones i won't in order to have a relationship/nonrelationship with him.
what are yours? do you know? you should find them.
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