listening to my youtube playlist. if you're interested, search for BenzillaScrapping and you can find it. right now it's having queueing issues. that drives me a bit crazy. john mayer, he's got a great voice, and his lyrics are rich, deep.
so, i have a lot to say. in regards to mr. he who shall not be named. maybe someday i will share his name, but not now, not yet. just still to uncertain. actually my heart is breaking for him. he is going through some really awful tough stuff. but i can honestly say, he is one of the strongest men i've ever known. a quiet strength. determined strength. resilient. tough. faithful. hopeful. secure in his decisions. i know he will come out on the other side of it even stronger.
ok, so the selfish part....i just might get my chance with him after all. thursday after choir practice i stopped by, tried to see him. he was home & i thought that was weird. he didn't answer the door, or the text i sent him, so i left a note under his windshield. a nice one "hey, stopped by" kind of note. ended up going home, taking a shower, watching tv. but in the shower i was mad. I mean MAD. mad at myself for trying (again) mad at god cause he's not taken these feelings out of me. what's the point of feeling them, they're never going to go anywhere. i wailed, and i gnashed & i lamented. i was mad after the shower too. i went to bed mad.
friday morning i overslept, i don't know why, i did not go to bed late. but i got up in time to make it to fish to pack. then i wanted to get new mucksuckers for the fishtank cause i really hate cleaning it. went to walmart (i don't really like shopping there, but depending on what i need, i have to) and ran into a girlfriend there. leaving, i checked my phone and there was a text from him. from the night before so i responded back & also noticed he'd try to call 2x that night. wow, this really surprised me. he was trying pretty hard to get ahold of me. he responded back and we had an interesting "conversation" via text. he asked if he could stop by on his way home. sure thing, i even have beer.
so he stopped by. we talked. he told me what was going on in his life. i was floored. he mentioned that he couldn't stop thinking about the last time we were together in june. yea, me neither. that he really liked kissing me & wanted to do it more. i agreed, but told him i also don't want it to just be about that. he's not ready for a relationship, i don't think i am either. but i told him i want to hang out, get to know him again, just have fun with him & he totally agreed.
he is such an amazing kisser, i won't go into how it makes me feel, that's probably too personal but let's just say it involves butterflies & a lot more. my head is spinning. i can't believe it. i'm scared. what if i get attached (duh!) and he doesn't? what if we both do? i don't want to just be the fill-in girl. i want to be his friend. yes, and i want to be more, eventually. but i'm not ready. my heart is not ready, and neither is his. and yes, it got hot.
so how do we proceed, carefully, slowly, with the fact that we are both (extremely!) attracted to each other. especially since i've been waiting some 22 years. i'm not sure. other than to just take it 1 day at a time. very carefully.
saturday i went to day of healing and that was amazing, i learned so much, and need to start putting it into practice. didn't talk to him. i also know he needs his space. i want to respect that. he said that when he left friday he would see me at church.
sunday when i got there, he was not. and he didn't show & didn't show. my heart was stabbed through. he's made this promise before. but yet friday was talking about how he wanted to raise his son in the church so i thought he was serious this time. and that he would be there when i give the message, which scares me and delights me all at the same time. he wants to support me? cool! be there for me? awesome! i was so disappointed. and then, he shows up. oh wow. he sits with his dad and i've got such a great view of him. but i'm supposed to pay attention to pastor kay. whoa boy. ok.
we have a pitchin afterwards for the council meeting. he stays for the meal. i don't get to talk to him much after service other than to give him a hug and see how he's doing. he says 1 day at a time. i know something's going on, but we don't really get a chance to talk. he will when he's ready & I know that. he leaves before the meeting (which i stay for) so i walk him out & he gives me a hug, thanks me & says he wants to have me over for dinner some night soon after he gets the house put back together. he's moved back to his house. i told him i don't really care about the house, but whenever he's ready i say. and you know where to find me. and i walk away. it kills me cause i want to kiss him & touch him, but i guess it's just not right. but i got to look into his eyes and i saw amazing things there. pain, yes, but fondness, desire, and a general i'm really glad to see you kind of thing too. that makes my heart sing.
i am so hoping that god leads me in how 'm supposed to approach this. above all, i want to be his friend, be helpful if i can, be supportive if i can and i hope he will show me the way. yea, i want more, but i want most just for him to find joy & peace in his life. i think he's on the right road, just don't know my involvement just yet.
and yesterday and today i realized i need to find the same thing, separate from being with him. that i need to find that even to the exclusion of him. if that makes sense. and i think i'm on that road too. that it is not our circumstances that define that. that yes, you can still have faith in the absence of hope. because if you hang in there faith will bring you back to hope. that feeling without hope does not mean you don't believe. and that it is ok to question because it is in the questioning that you find answers.
so yes, i'm terrified about all of this, but i trust god. that is where i have to start. he will not leave me no matter what. so i'm not going to act on the terror and hole myself up someplace to protect my heart. instead i'm going to cautiously walk this path, slowly, steadily and see where it goes. because that is how i'm going to find my answers about him too. and i'm not going to live the next 22 years of my life regretting not taking this second chance. because that is how i see it.
i have questions for he who shall not be named. and eventually, when the time is right, i will ask them. but right now, i don't think he knows either.
thanks for listening, i know it's sorta rambling, but i process by dumping, and that is what this is, a brain & a heart dump. i also process by listening to others. so last night i spent an hour on the phone with a friend talking about it and she had some very good questions i need to get answers to. see above paragraph. but i do agree with her.
dr. townsend said saturday that the key to a satisfied, full-potential life is to honor your values & your passions. so i'm in the process of defining those. i need to know which ones i'll compromise and which ones i won't in order to have a relationship/nonrelationship with him.
what are yours? do you know? you should find them.
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