OK, so I'm probably not quite that bad, but.... So last week was Thanksgiving, you know, the day in the US where you can stuff yourself full with as much food as you want & the calories don't exist? Yea, that one. Monday was normal. For me. That meant, gymnastics, swimming, supper, homework, bath & reading, but no worship team for once, yea! Don't get me wrong, I love being on worship team, but....
Tuesday I ended up helping with 000 so gramma could get ready for Thanksgiving. He's just so stinkin' cute and has hair that will NOT behave (OK, let's all do our bad Austin Powers impersonations now....). Then I went home and had bakefest 2009, if you were reading my tweets & FB updates. Pie crusts, banana muffins, pies, cinnamon rolls. Oh, and taking Ben (Zack's decided he doesn't like it for some unexplained reason!) to Pioneers club. And trying not to eat everything in site cause it smells so good.
Wednesday I helped with 000 again, but the wrestler was there too. Not going to go into why, not my story. But we were there alone in his mom's house, and we behaved. Really. Just talked for a bit. Not that I wasn't tempted when he was taking a shower, cause trust me, I was. I soooo was. He told me that I was awesome & I rocked. Sigh, I just want that to mean so much more than he probably means it. His dad told me that it has been really nice lately to have me around the house. Huh? Wow. Not sure where to go with that one.
Then it was back to my house to get packed, get the car packed, get the boys fed, bathed and in the car. And oh snap! I forgot to stop by Modoc's to get coffee for D&K so that means needing to go into town before leaving. And it's raining, I hate driving in the rain. It is a 2+ hour drive to my brother's house. The boys are totally looking forward to spending the night with Kevin. Which I think is totally cool. And I think it is totally cool that at 14 he likes hanging out with 008 & 006.
We get there, and they go to bed. We adults stay up and talk for a bit. Mom & Dad won't be over tomorrow for the meal. She's come down with pneumonia too. Dad got it last week. Geez, just when they get a break. Thursday doesn't much feel like Thanksgiving because of that. Dan & I work on 014's computer. That's fun, to totally geek out. And to talk to him like an adult about how computers & operating systems work. His new one has Windows 7 on it and he's not understanding why his 5+ year old games don't want to play nice & happy on it.
We drive home late Thursday and it is dark and rainy. Again. And my iPod is dead. So I guess I'll just use the Garmin but I don't have playlists set up on it well and have to skip songs. And it's flaky. And I end up parallel to the Indiana state line instead of crossing and can't figure out why it's taking so long to get there. So the map really helped.
Friday we hung out at the house & goofed off. Took leftovers over to the parental unit's house. Then I have to leave for Kokomo so the boys can be with their dad on Thanksgiving. I find out later he didn't even do Thanksgiving with them and that irritates me. Even if you can't be with all the family, can't you just do it for yourselves? Develop your own traditions? Anyway.... And I had a message from the wrestler, so we chatted a bit. That was really cool. Fun. Unexpected.
Saturday I worked on my class kit for December, and watched Farscape, and cleaned the church & worked on laundry.
Sunday, we had breakfast at the church so I went. After, I went out to steal a piece of gum from Zack's stash, and there he was in the parking lot with 000. My brain crashes. Geez, why does he have this affect on me and what is it? We talk. He apologizes for not calling yesterday. I tell him it's OK. He goes & sits down, I fuss with worship team stuff cause I can't decide what to do, do I sit next to him or not? I opt for not since he did not invite me. I sit a couple rows behind, where I still have a good view of ... pastor kay, Yea, that's it....
During service he gets up & leaves, and then later comes back. He sits next to me. Wow. He leans over to whisper in my ear that he has something to tell me after church (he never did say what it was!). I help hold the hymnal so he can sing. I hold 000 for a bit. He's just so snuggly! Later, it's communion & he can't take a piece of bread (we do unleavened bread & I made it this week). So when it's time, without thinking, after I break it, I pop half of it in his mouth. Oh wow, what did I just do. We both laugh, but it was one of those I'm outside myself moments. It reminded me of cake. I don't want to be reminded of cake. Luckily he's able to do the cup by that time.
We talk a bit after service, hug each other good bye. It is a really nice, long hug, not just one of those fly-by squeezes. He promises to call soon. OK. I really am just trying hard to hang back. It is hard for me, but I see the benefits. I think I'm doing OK with it. It really is the way it needs to be. Like advent, I'm just sort of waiting and watching to see how it will all unfold. It is sort of interesting to take that perspective. To make a conscious, intentional choice, as opposed to just letting things happen to you. To prepare yourself to be receptive; to open up to the possibilities.
I'm choosing to take this time to get to know me again, what I want out of a relationship, what I bring to a relationship. What I want out of life. What kind of mother I want to be. How I can best serve my parents & my church. I'm learning a ton and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. As painful as it has been, I would not give up this journey. I would have chosen these last 5 months all over again. And that, honestly, is a good feeling. These months have had value, merit.
Tonight, 008 gets off the bus and tells me over recess he was tackled, and that he bit his tongue. Didn't think much of it. So we went to gymnastics & swimming. We're eating & he's complaining of having to chew funny. So I have him stick out his tongue. I just about puke! No kidding. If it were a finger I'd take him to the ER. YIKES. I call my dad, he's not home, I call the ex, he's not answering, I call a couple from church who live close, their number rings busy. OK, now what do I do, it's 6:30, everything in Wabash is closed & I need someone to look at this tongue! I call the wrestler. I feel horrible for bothering him, and silly for having to ask. He said have him rinse with warm salt water, check, I knew to do that, where was my brain! His dad, a MD says they won't stitch a tongue, so just keep an eye on it for bleeding. Remarkably, it has not bled since he was home & it didn't much at school, but he was sent in to wash his face. OK, now also keep in mind I'm miffed that the school never notified me! If it bleeds he needs to go in. He also said "hey let me call you back I've got a friend from CA leaving". Probably one of his Marine buddies. Sure, I say, but it's not really necessary. He did anyway, isn't that sweet? And then (it got really hard to hear/understand, so I asked him again!) he said he would call tomorrow night. Not sure what about, I think he said, but I just said that would be wonderful & bye.
Oh, and then the ex called back. He was appropriately sympathetic & listening. As usual. You can do it, just hang in there. Dude, I didn't call you cause I didn't think I could handle it, I called you because it freaked me out a bit & I wasn't sure what to do. I'm usually very calm, cool & collected when it comes to this stuff, so not sure why it freaked me out. And the fact that I'm freaking out is freaking me out.
And then Dad called back. Hello, grand central! LOL but it was my own doing!
Sometimes I think I have Asperger's syndrome because I just don't always know how to handle myself socially & prefer small doses in my own choosing. A lot of times I just don't understand people on the phone & have to ask 2 & 3 times. Really annoying. I need face to face to have it make sense & stick.
Will I be able to sleep tonight? I have no idea!
Yes, we got homework done - 006 takes forever (at anything!), he didn't get his done in time so he lost reading time. Where he reads. I've resorted to setting a timer because the boy is sooo slow in the shower & homework. Like his momma, he gets distracted by every shiny bauble and dust bunny in his path. At least he gets it honest, but I think that's why it drives me crazy! But he really enjoys life and is so happy go lucky that I don't want to change that part. I think he's got it more figured out than me.
Hopefully tomorrow we'll all get to read...
Here's looking at you kid.....
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