via flickr.com
Lots of "new" pictures, through the end of 2007. Some around Wabash, most of them family.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday Mania
With the boys being home, I thought it would be a fun activity to do the Christmas cards together. It was fun for about an hour. Then everyone's patience got pretty thin. But we managed to pull it off & except for a few stragglers, they are done & ready to go in the mail.
Then we curled up with a bowl of popcorn & watched AntZ. It has a PG rating, but honestly I am not sure how it got it as it is very sex-undertoned & has the words "bitching", "hell", and "damn" in it. Now, call me a prude, but if it is meant for kids, I don't think these things need to be there. I liked the message that you need to think for yourself & not just follow orders, I also think you could achieve that without the 4 things mentioned above.
On the personal front, the wrestler & I have really cooled it. We are back to just being friends. Yesterday at church, he sat down next to me, followed by 000's mom. I just about lost it. Actually, I did lose it. I left for a while because I couldn't handle it. Weak, I know, I'm weak. I talked a lot to Jilly about it later. She agrees with me that it is the right thing to do, but she also agreed with how much it would feel like rejection. I mean, it's such a guy line to say "oh, I value our friendship too much" as the reason for calling things off. Sad thing is, I know he's sincere. She told me I have to tell him how I feel, that he deserves to know (huh, the therapist & Pastor Kay have been saying the same thing all along.). That I need to tell him I love him. What?!?! When did it become that, I ask her. She said, why do you think it hurts so much. It doesn't when it's not love. Hadn't thought about it that way, but I know she's right. I know it all the way down to my bones. That is how I feel about him. Great, now I''m frakked. I love a guy who doesn't love me. Or at least I don't think he does. Oh, and he asked about the job interview again. Why does he have to remember stuff about me & then ask. I've never had anyone do that.
After church he sends me a message wanting to know if I'm OK, he's worried. I guess I should say that during service I wrote a little "can we talk later" note in the bulletin & he said yes. So I just told him I needed to talk to him & it needed to be in person. He said OK & then I didn't hear from him. I said it needed to be soon, that I was picking the boys up. Still didn't hear from him.
On the way to Kokomo, he calls & I just tell him I need to be honest with him. He said "have you not been?" "No, I have, but I need to be more honest". Not sure what that means & he said OK, he'd figure out how. Later, he messages and says "just tell me, I can take it". So I send back "I know you can, or hope you can, but I need to say it to your face, I've waited too long as it is." As I'm getting to Kokomo, he calls and says "I just feel like you're gonna drop a bomb on me. You're not pregnant are you?" "No, no bomb, no I'm not pregnant". "Do you hate me, Shelly?" "No, I don't hate you, just the opposite." Wow, I can't even believe he's worried about that. I'm the one who worries about that. I tell him that I really want to do it in person but if he really wants to do it over the phone, then fine. I'm losing it. I say "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I don't even know how long (well, I do, 22 years!). I told you I wasn't good with this FWB thing, and I'm not with you because I got attached, I wanted more". I told him the whole story of when we met for coffee & I thought I had a chance then, but they got back together so I started dating the recruiter. How he called me to say they were getting married & it broke my heart but I tried to do the good friend thing and say that I was happy when inside I was screaming no. How I dated the recruiter for 15 months to get over him, to get him out of my head & heart but it didn't work. Because whenever I was with the recruiter I was always thinking about how I wanted to be with him. How then I finally thought I was getting my chance and then he said he wanted to stop that it felt like rejection & then today to see her with him was just more than what I could take...
And he just breaks down, says he's so sorry he hurt me, that's why he called it off, he didn't want to hurt anybody. That he's just not in a good place to be "the one" for anyone. He apologizes for being irresponsible with my heart. I tell him that I don't blame him, it's my fault, I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. That he doesn't want to go around sowing his wild oats again. That he just wants to concentrate on his son. That it will probably be years before he's ready to date again. That he's trying to be a friend to her. They aren't romantic, no kissing, sex, etc. That he's trying to support her by bringing her to church, but if it's going to cause me to stop going to church (which I never said) he would not do it. I told him I didn't want him to change who he is (he is very caring & sensitive & thoughtful, sometimes too much) that I respected him doing that. That I thought it was admirable. Which I do. That I just got to where I wanted to do things that I wasn't supposed to want to do (hold his hand, touch him in public, kiss him in public, see more & more of him). That I looked forward to hearing from him every day (and I didn't tell him how disappointed I was when I don't). "Well, Shelly, that's not going to stop!". Wow, but now my heart is going to break every time.
I have all these stupid girl fantasies that I know are never going to come true. But yet they still run through my head. Sometimes I want to cut my brain out so I won't think them any more. That is how much they plague me.
I'm bawling. Apologize for not doing this very well. He says it's OK, I'm doing fine. He wants to know what I want from him/expect from him. Just that you be perfectly honest with me & clear. "I don't know if you have feelings for me, have ever, or will ever and maybe you don't know the answer right now, but when you figure it out, I need to know".
He wants to know if I'll be OK. I lie and say yes. That one way or the other it will all work out. Which that part is not a a lie. But I am not OK. I'm the farthest away from OK. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I knew he would not profess his love for me, but there I go (again) baring my heart & soul to someone. Do I feel better for getting it out? I suppose so, on some level. And I know that I don't know any other way to play it but to put all your cards on the table. I've never really known how to hold back. He says he'll call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing. WTF?
I just dumped all of that out there & you don't want to run for the hills? I don't get this guy. So yes, this morning he messages to see if I want to have lunch. Oh, wow. I'm not sure I can go through with it. But I make arrangements for the boys & I drive over to Marion to meet him at Steak & Shake. I'm not hungry, I'm a bundle of nerves. But I get the Chicken Walnut salad. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I remember what he tastes like. But he shows up right after me & smiles that big smile of his that goes all the way to his eyes and then it goes all the way to my heart.
We talk, about stupid stuff. My first husband, the boyfriend that I cheated on him with. Some of the stupid, crazy stuff I've done that I'm not proud of. About Bob. About commitment. About how hard is it really to chose what's right for your family over what you "want" to do. He asked me if it were ever really hard for me to make those decisions, and I said no, because I'll always do what's right for my family. He said "exactly". Which I know he's the same way. You make a promise, a commitment, a covenant and you keep it. Period. "Cause" he said "why would you want to fuck over the person you love, that loves you?". Exactly. Because sometimes, my friends, life really is that simple.
I tell him all men are the same. He laughs and says he's glad I'm comfortable enough with him to say that. Well, maybe not you, but I don't know yet. But then I said, "don't get me wrong, all women are the same too". Which that is an over-generalization too.
And before I know it, it's time for him to go back to work. Yes, he asked about the interview again! He said "they're fucking idiots if they don't hire you." Yes, I have to admit, that is both of ours' favorite word. OK, so I just don't get him. And next time, I need to do more of the asking & listening, and less of the talking. Because, yes, I do think there will be a next time. Because there has to be something on his side of it, or else wouldn't he just be freaked out by everything I had said to him & he could have just cut bait & ran as fast as he could away? Or am I just spinning one of those fantasies again? Let me know what you think...
Interview update: they asked me to round 2....
Then we curled up with a bowl of popcorn & watched AntZ. It has a PG rating, but honestly I am not sure how it got it as it is very sex-undertoned & has the words "bitching", "hell", and "damn" in it. Now, call me a prude, but if it is meant for kids, I don't think these things need to be there. I liked the message that you need to think for yourself & not just follow orders, I also think you could achieve that without the 4 things mentioned above.
On the personal front, the wrestler & I have really cooled it. We are back to just being friends. Yesterday at church, he sat down next to me, followed by 000's mom. I just about lost it. Actually, I did lose it. I left for a while because I couldn't handle it. Weak, I know, I'm weak. I talked a lot to Jilly about it later. She agrees with me that it is the right thing to do, but she also agreed with how much it would feel like rejection. I mean, it's such a guy line to say "oh, I value our friendship too much" as the reason for calling things off. Sad thing is, I know he's sincere. She told me I have to tell him how I feel, that he deserves to know (huh, the therapist & Pastor Kay have been saying the same thing all along.). That I need to tell him I love him. What?!?! When did it become that, I ask her. She said, why do you think it hurts so much. It doesn't when it's not love. Hadn't thought about it that way, but I know she's right. I know it all the way down to my bones. That is how I feel about him. Great, now I''m frakked. I love a guy who doesn't love me. Or at least I don't think he does. Oh, and he asked about the job interview again. Why does he have to remember stuff about me & then ask. I've never had anyone do that.
After church he sends me a message wanting to know if I'm OK, he's worried. I guess I should say that during service I wrote a little "can we talk later" note in the bulletin & he said yes. So I just told him I needed to talk to him & it needed to be in person. He said OK & then I didn't hear from him. I said it needed to be soon, that I was picking the boys up. Still didn't hear from him.
On the way to Kokomo, he calls & I just tell him I need to be honest with him. He said "have you not been?" "No, I have, but I need to be more honest". Not sure what that means & he said OK, he'd figure out how. Later, he messages and says "just tell me, I can take it". So I send back "I know you can, or hope you can, but I need to say it to your face, I've waited too long as it is." As I'm getting to Kokomo, he calls and says "I just feel like you're gonna drop a bomb on me. You're not pregnant are you?" "No, no bomb, no I'm not pregnant". "Do you hate me, Shelly?" "No, I don't hate you, just the opposite." Wow, I can't even believe he's worried about that. I'm the one who worries about that. I tell him that I really want to do it in person but if he really wants to do it over the phone, then fine. I'm losing it. I say "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I don't even know how long (well, I do, 22 years!). I told you I wasn't good with this FWB thing, and I'm not with you because I got attached, I wanted more". I told him the whole story of when we met for coffee & I thought I had a chance then, but they got back together so I started dating the recruiter. How he called me to say they were getting married & it broke my heart but I tried to do the good friend thing and say that I was happy when inside I was screaming no. How I dated the recruiter for 15 months to get over him, to get him out of my head & heart but it didn't work. Because whenever I was with the recruiter I was always thinking about how I wanted to be with him. How then I finally thought I was getting my chance and then he said he wanted to stop that it felt like rejection & then today to see her with him was just more than what I could take...
And he just breaks down, says he's so sorry he hurt me, that's why he called it off, he didn't want to hurt anybody. That he's just not in a good place to be "the one" for anyone. He apologizes for being irresponsible with my heart. I tell him that I don't blame him, it's my fault, I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. That he doesn't want to go around sowing his wild oats again. That he just wants to concentrate on his son. That it will probably be years before he's ready to date again. That he's trying to be a friend to her. They aren't romantic, no kissing, sex, etc. That he's trying to support her by bringing her to church, but if it's going to cause me to stop going to church (which I never said) he would not do it. I told him I didn't want him to change who he is (he is very caring & sensitive & thoughtful, sometimes too much) that I respected him doing that. That I thought it was admirable. Which I do. That I just got to where I wanted to do things that I wasn't supposed to want to do (hold his hand, touch him in public, kiss him in public, see more & more of him). That I looked forward to hearing from him every day (and I didn't tell him how disappointed I was when I don't). "Well, Shelly, that's not going to stop!". Wow, but now my heart is going to break every time.
I have all these stupid girl fantasies that I know are never going to come true. But yet they still run through my head. Sometimes I want to cut my brain out so I won't think them any more. That is how much they plague me.
I'm bawling. Apologize for not doing this very well. He says it's OK, I'm doing fine. He wants to know what I want from him/expect from him. Just that you be perfectly honest with me & clear. "I don't know if you have feelings for me, have ever, or will ever and maybe you don't know the answer right now, but when you figure it out, I need to know".
He wants to know if I'll be OK. I lie and say yes. That one way or the other it will all work out. Which that part is not a a lie. But I am not OK. I'm the farthest away from OK. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I knew he would not profess his love for me, but there I go (again) baring my heart & soul to someone. Do I feel better for getting it out? I suppose so, on some level. And I know that I don't know any other way to play it but to put all your cards on the table. I've never really known how to hold back. He says he'll call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing. WTF?
I just dumped all of that out there & you don't want to run for the hills? I don't get this guy. So yes, this morning he messages to see if I want to have lunch. Oh, wow. I'm not sure I can go through with it. But I make arrangements for the boys & I drive over to Marion to meet him at Steak & Shake. I'm not hungry, I'm a bundle of nerves. But I get the Chicken Walnut salad. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I remember what he tastes like. But he shows up right after me & smiles that big smile of his that goes all the way to his eyes and then it goes all the way to my heart.
We talk, about stupid stuff. My first husband, the boyfriend that I cheated on him with. Some of the stupid, crazy stuff I've done that I'm not proud of. About Bob. About commitment. About how hard is it really to chose what's right for your family over what you "want" to do. He asked me if it were ever really hard for me to make those decisions, and I said no, because I'll always do what's right for my family. He said "exactly". Which I know he's the same way. You make a promise, a commitment, a covenant and you keep it. Period. "Cause" he said "why would you want to fuck over the person you love, that loves you?". Exactly. Because sometimes, my friends, life really is that simple.
I tell him all men are the same. He laughs and says he's glad I'm comfortable enough with him to say that. Well, maybe not you, but I don't know yet. But then I said, "don't get me wrong, all women are the same too". Which that is an over-generalization too.
And before I know it, it's time for him to go back to work. Yes, he asked about the interview again! He said "they're fucking idiots if they don't hire you." Yes, I have to admit, that is both of ours' favorite word. OK, so I just don't get him. And next time, I need to do more of the asking & listening, and less of the talking. Because, yes, I do think there will be a next time. Because there has to be something on his side of it, or else wouldn't he just be freaked out by everything I had said to him & he could have just cut bait & ran as fast as he could away? Or am I just spinning one of those fantasies again? Let me know what you think...
Interview update: they asked me to round 2....
Upgrade to Windows 7
Getting ready to upgrade my laptop from Vista to Windows 7. Wish me luck….really wish Santa had put a MacBook under the tree, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers….
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Shock and awe
Well, it's been a long time since that phrase was coined. However, very apropos for the previous 2 minutes of my life. Envision the scene.... me, sitting down to my desk thinking "I really need to get my letter done for this year." OK. Cup of coffee, check, desk chair, check, desk, check, laptop working, check. Start up MS Word, check, go to open 2008 family letter.....uh, why does it stop at 2000?! Uhhhhhhhhh.....MOMMY!!!!!!! "Oh, right, I migrated everything over to MS Publisher, duh!"....OK, please call off the special forces team I'd summoned to the house .... shew, there they all are, happily resting their old tired bits ......sigh....
Merry Day after Christmas
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Hard for so many reasons.... Bob & I are divorced, the kids have been with him this week & I've missed them. I long to share my life with someone. The wrestler & I decided to cool things down for awhile so we can both get our heads screwed on straight. Well, mostly he decided, but I agree. But it still feels like horrible rejection even though it is not. And well, it was Christmas and somehow we as a society have managed to put this romantic image on it, that if you are "alone" on Christmas you are somehow the world's biggest loser. And I know, it's a bunch of bologna, but sometimes you drink the Kool-Aid, you know?
I've actually gotten 2 layouts done (for myself!) and 6 cards. As well as sorted through at least 6 catagories of mom's pictures. Wrapped all the presents (really didn't feel like doing that one!), watched some Farscape (Ben Browder is just too darn uber-sexy!), got caught up a bit on some blog reading, proofed some pictures, uploaded some shots for submission, helped a friend clean her house, packed at FISH, and had supper with the parental units. Oh, and picked which school picture I want to send out in the cards this year. I don't send out before Christmas. Never made it, don't try now. Here are some of the choices, and then I let you know which ones I picked.
First, 008. Now I have to say after the fact, I needed to wait just a tad bit longer as the light was still just a bit too harsh and in his eyes, but live & learn.....
I've actually gotten 2 layouts done (for myself!) and 6 cards. As well as sorted through at least 6 catagories of mom's pictures. Wrapped all the presents (really didn't feel like doing that one!), watched some Farscape (Ben Browder is just too darn uber-sexy!), got caught up a bit on some blog reading, proofed some pictures, uploaded some shots for submission, helped a friend clean her house, packed at FISH, and had supper with the parental units. Oh, and picked which school picture I want to send out in the cards this year. I don't send out before Christmas. Never made it, don't try now. Here are some of the choices, and then I let you know which ones I picked.
First, 008. Now I have to say after the fact, I needed to wait just a tad bit longer as the light was still just a bit too harsh and in his eyes, but live & learn.....
I ended up picking the last one, as I thought it was the most balanced. Some of them translated too dark when I printed them out which also frustrated me a bit, as they look great on the screen. I "need" one of those calibration devices. These are all taken here in the backyard, he wanted to do crazy hair & non-crazy hair. I like the crazy hair. Now, he's buzzed so it's no hair. :(
And 006
Had a very bad day at school that day, I found out. He got his "color" moved to sitting at the teacher's desk. He was devastated. And he was mad at me because I kept reprimanding him for tugging on my when I was trying to take Ben's shots. So we waited a couple more days and got these....
And I did learn from not waiting on 008's shots. These were taken (the one on the left was one of the very last ones we did that night) as the sun was literally sinking beneath the horizon. The color is much better and the evenness of the light is perfect. No squinting and on the prints you can see the color of his eyes. So next year, I'm going to be more patient! Oh, this was a tough choice but I picked the one on the right.
Which ones would you have picked?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Flickr Upload
Tons of "new" pics uploaded... 006 birthday, Campbell's Pumpkin Patch, Carving Pumpkins, visit to the grandparental units' farm, pics around Wabash.... You can check them out here....
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday Pics
Well, last night's longest night service was interesting to say the least. After saying he was not going to go, the wrestler surprised me by being there. And I got some baby loving, so I can't complain. And he was so sweet, asked me if there was anything he could get me (there were refreshments after) while I was holding 000. So I told him about my secret stash of whipped cream so I could put it in my coffee. I'm such a girl, I know.
We talked on the phone a bit this am. He was concerned that our interactions (when we're "alone") were becoming too much about physical stuff. He was concerned that it was going to make our friendship superficial and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't want to be used either, and that our friendship meant more than that to me. He said he hoped I didn't feel used, and I said I don't, but I don't want to either. That I want something with more depth than that. Told him that I had a lot of fun watching snowboarding with him, which I did. He said he'd like to do it more. I told him the other stuff is fun & exciting and I like it too. He agreed. So I'm not really sure where this leaves us, other than both of us liking each other, trusting the other (wow, that's hard), and thinking the other is very loyal & faithful. It's still one day at a time, and trying to not do any more than that, at least for me.
I know he still hangs out a lot at her place, and he should, they have a baby together. And I know he still wants to make out with her sometimes, and I understand that too, because it takes awhile for that to go away. I don't feel that way about Bob anymore.
I am finding myself in a place where I want more, I want to see him more, be around him more. Find it hard when I see him at church or wherever to not just hug and kiss him right away. I dream about us a lot. All different kinds of dreams. Dreams I know will never come true, but they are there anyway. And I think about him, a lot. And I do mean a lot. I'm not really sure what all this means. My therapist says she's not sure I'm ready for a relationship because I still have so much anger & pain from what happened with Bob. And I think she's right. But that doesn't stop me from wanting one.
The boys are at Bob's this week, and it's been hard so far. I'm going down to Westfield tomorrow to have supper with them. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'm packing at FISH, helping the wrestler's mom with her house, visiting my parents, and then driving to see them. But that's OK cause I like to drive.
Today, besides cleaning the church, is proofing pics day and I've been busy doing a goodly number. Here are my faves...
We talked on the phone a bit this am. He was concerned that our interactions (when we're "alone") were becoming too much about physical stuff. He was concerned that it was going to make our friendship superficial and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't want to be used either, and that our friendship meant more than that to me. He said he hoped I didn't feel used, and I said I don't, but I don't want to either. That I want something with more depth than that. Told him that I had a lot of fun watching snowboarding with him, which I did. He said he'd like to do it more. I told him the other stuff is fun & exciting and I like it too. He agreed. So I'm not really sure where this leaves us, other than both of us liking each other, trusting the other (wow, that's hard), and thinking the other is very loyal & faithful. It's still one day at a time, and trying to not do any more than that, at least for me.
I know he still hangs out a lot at her place, and he should, they have a baby together. And I know he still wants to make out with her sometimes, and I understand that too, because it takes awhile for that to go away. I don't feel that way about Bob anymore.
I am finding myself in a place where I want more, I want to see him more, be around him more. Find it hard when I see him at church or wherever to not just hug and kiss him right away. I dream about us a lot. All different kinds of dreams. Dreams I know will never come true, but they are there anyway. And I think about him, a lot. And I do mean a lot. I'm not really sure what all this means. My therapist says she's not sure I'm ready for a relationship because I still have so much anger & pain from what happened with Bob. And I think she's right. But that doesn't stop me from wanting one.
The boys are at Bob's this week, and it's been hard so far. I'm going down to Westfield tomorrow to have supper with them. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'm packing at FISH, helping the wrestler's mom with her house, visiting my parents, and then driving to see them. But that's OK cause I like to drive.
Today, besides cleaning the church, is proofing pics day and I've been busy doing a goodly number. Here are my faves...
Asters in my mom's garden. That's frost on them. It was beautiful.
Some coneflowers with frost.
I mainly just like the light and colors in this. The petunias that were growing in the pot were beautiful. These were taken one morning, going out to the car to go to work & I couldn't resist.
Painting pumpkins. OK 006 looks like he has no neck & 008 looks like he's got too much neck, but they had so much fun painting these & were so proud!
F14 Tomcat at Grissom Air Museum. In my head, I was made to fly one of these things. So that I could be prepared to fly one of these...
Somebody forgot to tell my body to NOT have bad eyeballs. Sigh, I guess you win some and then you lose some. It would have been a lot of fun, I'm quite certain.
Thanks for looking!
elle
elle
Monday, December 21, 2009
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
....but not feel much like it. Last week, it seemed as though the boys & I mostly fought. Or they mostly fought. Lots of fighting. And yelling. I told myself I wasn't going to go back to the yelling habit so it really upset me to realize I had been. Promised them, and me, I would be stopping.
Wednesday at the doctor was, well, not so much fun. It was a wart on 006's toe. She did not recommend the freezing since it takes several times and is not always effective. Wish I had known that with 008. Oh well. She recommended burning. OK, now you can start the insane 6 year old freak out video track in your head & then multiply it by 10. There, that should give you an idea of what it was like. 008 was very helpful & schlepped all of our stuff over to the other room for me while I carried the writhing octopus, I mean, 6 year old to the room. They do numb it first, they got him talking about Pokemon and then wouldn't you know it, he was fine. Walking out to the car though, there was the expected mixture of tears and pouting, at just the right levels, that scored them both a frosty at !endy's. That made it all better. 008 said he didn't like Wendy's (apparently not my child after all!) but said he might have to reconsider after the frosty because it was very tasty. Burger King is better because their burgers are square. I told him so are Wendy's. I like BK's fries better, he fires back. What?! Definitely can't be mine, Wendy's fries are sooo much better. But BK does have yummy onion rings. We agree to disagree.
Thursday Bob came up to take them out to supper (like all the way here) so that I could go to choir practice. He was out of town on Wednesday. Our Christmas program is Sunday & we're so not ready. But I think it will get there. The wrestler's mom is the choir director. He looks so much like her that at times I find it hard to look at her. She asks me if I would mind coming into the house on Friday to help her get ready because not only is Sunday the Christmas program, but 000 is being dedicated (we don't do infant baptisms, but we dedicate them. It is more of a commitment on the parental side to bring up the child in the church) and so since everyone is going to be in town, they are deciding to do the family Christmas too & the house is a wreck, massive cooking, etc. So I tell her that yes I will help.
Friday I help fold laundry, run the vacuum, make beds and then go pack at FISH. Then I go back and do more vacuuming, get all the candles working in the windows (they own a beautiful brick colonial so there are lots of windows on the streetfront) and wrap presents. And she's so sweet, that even though they are not together anymore, she still invites 000's mom & gets her presents, and for her other kids too. And I'm wrapping them. How twisted is that?
When I am done, I leave and go pick up the boys. Bring them home, hang & eat supper. Then grampa comes over to take them swimming in Peru, where his Y is. They like his Y because it has a hot tub and a sauna. And they shower many times. I do not understand this, but this is the routine with grampa. They love it. Then he takes them to DQ for blizzards, because there is nothing like a sugar rush right before going to bed.
And me, what do I do while they are gone? I watch Farscape, cause I'm totally in love with Ben Browder. First found him on SG-1. He's to die for. He's married, dang-it! And then because it's a sappy, love one. I get mad. And honestly, I've been mad all week. Mad at Bob and mad at life, mad at loosing my job, mad that my business isn't taking off fast enough, mad at the wrestler, mad at my parents. So I rant and I rail at God, the universe and the Christmas Tree. I'm guessing only 1 of those really listens.....
I should mention that the wrestler told me 000's mom was going to be at the dedication & he was touched. I asked him if he was being sarcastic & he said no, he really wants to be friends with her. And before you go off yelling at me, I know he should be & I applaud that. But the scared, selfish little part of me doesn't want her there because whenever she is there then he doesn't even acknowledge I exist. And so know I think he hates me and never wants to talk to me & I get mad that he would do that. I know, it didn't really happen and it was all made up in my head, but be honest, you've done that too.
And I tell him that Bob is going to be there & he says "well, if nothing else, Sunday will be interesting". To say the least. I also told him I was nervous about singing in the choir for the first time in front of people. He said I'd do fine.
So back to being mad. I really just gave up hope. I mean, what is the point of hope anyway. You want something, wish for something, hope for something, pray for something. And then you get it, and you think your life is wonderful, and then someone decides to make a piss-poor decision and wham, it's gone. Like that. So what is the point? So you can be hurt again and again and again? No thank you, I said. I'm tired of hoping that he's going to see me as a possibility. Tired of having feelings for him. Tired of wanting something I'm never going to have, or if I do, will just be taken away from me again. So I'm ranting about how I don't want the feelings anymore, they aren't going anywhere, they don't serve a purpose, etc. And I'm crying. Rivers, buckets. And then I gotta stop cause I don't want my dad to see me like that.
The boys get home, I get them to bed, and I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night, I think worked on my mom's pictures.
Saturday, we got up, went to church and did our practice. I put the manger up on the bulletin board. It looks too small.Gotta do something else to go with it. When we got back, we started cleaning up their rooms. Every year before birthdays & Christmas we go through toys and decide what to donate & what to keep. They also wanted to rearrange, so I figured it would be a good time to do it. So we pulled everything but the furniture out into my room and started sorting. Took a break for lunch, went back to sorting. I was amazed at what they did. One recycling tub full of paper to recycle, trash can full of trash, 2 huge boxes to donate & 1 small box of stuff that belonged "elsewhere" in the house. Wow! Totally blown away.
Sometime during the day I checked my phone. He had sent me a message at like 2:30 that morning. What?!? Does he really think about me at 2:30? So I had messaged back wow you're up early, have a good time at Christmas today, but didn't hear anything back from him all day. He was busy so I wasn't really expecting anything.
We watched Harry Potter #3 after cleaning up the room, as a reward, with yummy butter popcorn. Really good movie, stays true to the book, except for leaving things out which always drives me crazy. Then we ate supper, took our bath & read Harry Potter #4. Got them upstairs to bed, and learned they had been scrubbing the walls with their toothbrushes instead of their teeth. Oh, I lost it! Normally probably wouldn't have bothered me too much, but remember I've been itching for a fight all week.
It culminated into 008 saying he's the worst son ever & me feeling like I'm the worst mom ever. So I told him I forgave him scrubbing the wall and maybe he could forgive me for yelling. I told him in 10 years we will laugh at him scrubbing the walls but we probably wouldn't laugh at me yelling.
Sunday I told them it was the 1 day I COULD NOT be late. We were late. Drove me crazy. Tried not to yell. Told them that I really dislike yelling, they do too and that I was going to try and stop. But that they play a part too and need to listen. But I'm feeling extremely guilty for yelling because this is the day they go to their dad's and I don't want their last memory of us together to be of me yelling. Sigh.
And he messaged me again Saturday night at 11:30. Go figure. I really don't get it. I mean, I do, he's got a lot to figure out too. But does he think of me, and does he think of me the way I think of him? Who knows?!?! But I know I want him to....
Baby dedication goes off without a hitch. It was really weird to have Bob there. He's NEVER been at that church before. The boys are sitting with him which is good since I'm up front with the choir. Weird to see the wrestler, with baby, her & her kids together. Like a family, but not. And me thinking, "could I be happy for him if he were somehow able to put it together as a family?" I would like to think I'm the kind of person who could. I would try.
And then we sing. And my friend Jilly Bean smiles at me & that makes the world better. And he smiles at me again and that helps too. After service, I help get Bob get the boys squared away so they can leave. And I visit with my parents, who were able to make it, and that makes the world a bit better too. And I talk with Jilly and that helps. And I got to see Monika, a friend who just got back from basic, and she looks good. And talk with her mom. And the church is thinning out. And then he stops by with the baby, and we talk for just a minute. And I pet 000 & tell him how lucky he is. And then they leave.
And you know what, if he didn't send me a message as I was driving to the bank. I accidentally called him when I tried to message back and so we actually talked for a bit. Talked about how he doesn't like blue, but likes hardy colors (we were talking about why he chose the outfit he did from the 2 his mom had gotten, the other one was baby blue. Oops, come to think of it, the mini book I made him was baby blue. Strike 1 for me!), he really wanted to put him in a skull & crossbones shirt. Funny. Talked about how it can be hard to have anything more than a superficial conversation with Bob for me. Then he needed to go have lunch with his folks.
So I came back here and watched some more farscape, took a nap, started working on some stuff, scanning, and he messages me to ask me what I'm doing later. He invites me in to watch TV later. I work on mom's pictures for awhile. And then fix a boo boo because I forgot to send one of the boys' medications with them. So I get it filled down there.
Then it's time to go in. And he's in shorts and a hoodie. Just hanging out drinking a beer. So we watch snowboarding for awhile, which is totally cool. We talk about stuff, nothing kind of stuff, you know. And we make out. Cause we're both really keyed up. It's fun. And then we watch more TV. And then he starts falling asleep because it's late. So I leave and he says to call him later this week.
And he messages me early this AM. He's tired still. Gonna take off early. Asks about my interview. So we chat for a bit, he says he thinks I'm gonna get it because I'm smart & they'd be stupid not to hire me. He knows I know this, but it's sweet that he tells me. And then later this afternoon he messages me again to see how it goes. Told him I've not heard from them yet. He says to be sure to tell him. That is so sweet too. I promise him I will. What is this?!?! I DON'T want to hope, but what is this? I know, I really need to talk to him about it, but I think he's still too busy sorting stuff out & besides, how do you know when enough time has passed for it to be appropriate to talk about feelings? What do you think?
And while typing this, I'm also working on a new Winter alphabet for the shop, and baking cookies (from the dough that I made last Thursday for Friday's cookie exchange I didn't go to because I was helping) for the Longest Night service we're having at 1900 tonight. And laundry. And vacuuming. And why do I feel like I get nothing done? That's craziness!
Wednesday at the doctor was, well, not so much fun. It was a wart on 006's toe. She did not recommend the freezing since it takes several times and is not always effective. Wish I had known that with 008. Oh well. She recommended burning. OK, now you can start the insane 6 year old freak out video track in your head & then multiply it by 10. There, that should give you an idea of what it was like. 008 was very helpful & schlepped all of our stuff over to the other room for me while I carried the writhing octopus, I mean, 6 year old to the room. They do numb it first, they got him talking about Pokemon and then wouldn't you know it, he was fine. Walking out to the car though, there was the expected mixture of tears and pouting, at just the right levels, that scored them both a frosty at !endy's. That made it all better. 008 said he didn't like Wendy's (apparently not my child after all!) but said he might have to reconsider after the frosty because it was very tasty. Burger King is better because their burgers are square. I told him so are Wendy's. I like BK's fries better, he fires back. What?! Definitely can't be mine, Wendy's fries are sooo much better. But BK does have yummy onion rings. We agree to disagree.
Thursday Bob came up to take them out to supper (like all the way here) so that I could go to choir practice. He was out of town on Wednesday. Our Christmas program is Sunday & we're so not ready. But I think it will get there. The wrestler's mom is the choir director. He looks so much like her that at times I find it hard to look at her. She asks me if I would mind coming into the house on Friday to help her get ready because not only is Sunday the Christmas program, but 000 is being dedicated (we don't do infant baptisms, but we dedicate them. It is more of a commitment on the parental side to bring up the child in the church) and so since everyone is going to be in town, they are deciding to do the family Christmas too & the house is a wreck, massive cooking, etc. So I tell her that yes I will help.
Friday I help fold laundry, run the vacuum, make beds and then go pack at FISH. Then I go back and do more vacuuming, get all the candles working in the windows (they own a beautiful brick colonial so there are lots of windows on the streetfront) and wrap presents. And she's so sweet, that even though they are not together anymore, she still invites 000's mom & gets her presents, and for her other kids too. And I'm wrapping them. How twisted is that?
When I am done, I leave and go pick up the boys. Bring them home, hang & eat supper. Then grampa comes over to take them swimming in Peru, where his Y is. They like his Y because it has a hot tub and a sauna. And they shower many times. I do not understand this, but this is the routine with grampa. They love it. Then he takes them to DQ for blizzards, because there is nothing like a sugar rush right before going to bed.
And me, what do I do while they are gone? I watch Farscape, cause I'm totally in love with Ben Browder. First found him on SG-1. He's to die for. He's married, dang-it! And then because it's a sappy, love one. I get mad. And honestly, I've been mad all week. Mad at Bob and mad at life, mad at loosing my job, mad that my business isn't taking off fast enough, mad at the wrestler, mad at my parents. So I rant and I rail at God, the universe and the Christmas Tree. I'm guessing only 1 of those really listens.....
I should mention that the wrestler told me 000's mom was going to be at the dedication & he was touched. I asked him if he was being sarcastic & he said no, he really wants to be friends with her. And before you go off yelling at me, I know he should be & I applaud that. But the scared, selfish little part of me doesn't want her there because whenever she is there then he doesn't even acknowledge I exist. And so know I think he hates me and never wants to talk to me & I get mad that he would do that. I know, it didn't really happen and it was all made up in my head, but be honest, you've done that too.
And I tell him that Bob is going to be there & he says "well, if nothing else, Sunday will be interesting". To say the least. I also told him I was nervous about singing in the choir for the first time in front of people. He said I'd do fine.
So back to being mad. I really just gave up hope. I mean, what is the point of hope anyway. You want something, wish for something, hope for something, pray for something. And then you get it, and you think your life is wonderful, and then someone decides to make a piss-poor decision and wham, it's gone. Like that. So what is the point? So you can be hurt again and again and again? No thank you, I said. I'm tired of hoping that he's going to see me as a possibility. Tired of having feelings for him. Tired of wanting something I'm never going to have, or if I do, will just be taken away from me again. So I'm ranting about how I don't want the feelings anymore, they aren't going anywhere, they don't serve a purpose, etc. And I'm crying. Rivers, buckets. And then I gotta stop cause I don't want my dad to see me like that.
The boys get home, I get them to bed, and I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night, I think worked on my mom's pictures.
Saturday, we got up, went to church and did our practice. I put the manger up on the bulletin board. It looks too small.Gotta do something else to go with it. When we got back, we started cleaning up their rooms. Every year before birthdays & Christmas we go through toys and decide what to donate & what to keep. They also wanted to rearrange, so I figured it would be a good time to do it. So we pulled everything but the furniture out into my room and started sorting. Took a break for lunch, went back to sorting. I was amazed at what they did. One recycling tub full of paper to recycle, trash can full of trash, 2 huge boxes to donate & 1 small box of stuff that belonged "elsewhere" in the house. Wow! Totally blown away.
Sometime during the day I checked my phone. He had sent me a message at like 2:30 that morning. What?!? Does he really think about me at 2:30? So I had messaged back wow you're up early, have a good time at Christmas today, but didn't hear anything back from him all day. He was busy so I wasn't really expecting anything.
We watched Harry Potter #3 after cleaning up the room, as a reward, with yummy butter popcorn. Really good movie, stays true to the book, except for leaving things out which always drives me crazy. Then we ate supper, took our bath & read Harry Potter #4. Got them upstairs to bed, and learned they had been scrubbing the walls with their toothbrushes instead of their teeth. Oh, I lost it! Normally probably wouldn't have bothered me too much, but remember I've been itching for a fight all week.
It culminated into 008 saying he's the worst son ever & me feeling like I'm the worst mom ever. So I told him I forgave him scrubbing the wall and maybe he could forgive me for yelling. I told him in 10 years we will laugh at him scrubbing the walls but we probably wouldn't laugh at me yelling.
Sunday I told them it was the 1 day I COULD NOT be late. We were late. Drove me crazy. Tried not to yell. Told them that I really dislike yelling, they do too and that I was going to try and stop. But that they play a part too and need to listen. But I'm feeling extremely guilty for yelling because this is the day they go to their dad's and I don't want their last memory of us together to be of me yelling. Sigh.
And he messaged me again Saturday night at 11:30. Go figure. I really don't get it. I mean, I do, he's got a lot to figure out too. But does he think of me, and does he think of me the way I think of him? Who knows?!?! But I know I want him to....
Baby dedication goes off without a hitch. It was really weird to have Bob there. He's NEVER been at that church before. The boys are sitting with him which is good since I'm up front with the choir. Weird to see the wrestler, with baby, her & her kids together. Like a family, but not. And me thinking, "could I be happy for him if he were somehow able to put it together as a family?" I would like to think I'm the kind of person who could. I would try.
And then we sing. And my friend Jilly Bean smiles at me & that makes the world better. And he smiles at me again and that helps too. After service, I help get Bob get the boys squared away so they can leave. And I visit with my parents, who were able to make it, and that makes the world a bit better too. And I talk with Jilly and that helps. And I got to see Monika, a friend who just got back from basic, and she looks good. And talk with her mom. And the church is thinning out. And then he stops by with the baby, and we talk for just a minute. And I pet 000 & tell him how lucky he is. And then they leave.
And you know what, if he didn't send me a message as I was driving to the bank. I accidentally called him when I tried to message back and so we actually talked for a bit. Talked about how he doesn't like blue, but likes hardy colors (we were talking about why he chose the outfit he did from the 2 his mom had gotten, the other one was baby blue. Oops, come to think of it, the mini book I made him was baby blue. Strike 1 for me!), he really wanted to put him in a skull & crossbones shirt. Funny. Talked about how it can be hard to have anything more than a superficial conversation with Bob for me. Then he needed to go have lunch with his folks.
So I came back here and watched some more farscape, took a nap, started working on some stuff, scanning, and he messages me to ask me what I'm doing later. He invites me in to watch TV later. I work on mom's pictures for awhile. And then fix a boo boo because I forgot to send one of the boys' medications with them. So I get it filled down there.
Then it's time to go in. And he's in shorts and a hoodie. Just hanging out drinking a beer. So we watch snowboarding for awhile, which is totally cool. We talk about stuff, nothing kind of stuff, you know. And we make out. Cause we're both really keyed up. It's fun. And then we watch more TV. And then he starts falling asleep because it's late. So I leave and he says to call him later this week.
And he messages me early this AM. He's tired still. Gonna take off early. Asks about my interview. So we chat for a bit, he says he thinks I'm gonna get it because I'm smart & they'd be stupid not to hire me. He knows I know this, but it's sweet that he tells me. And then later this afternoon he messages me again to see how it goes. Told him I've not heard from them yet. He says to be sure to tell him. That is so sweet too. I promise him I will. What is this?!?! I DON'T want to hope, but what is this? I know, I really need to talk to him about it, but I think he's still too busy sorting stuff out & besides, how do you know when enough time has passed for it to be appropriate to talk about feelings? What do you think?
And while typing this, I'm also working on a new Winter alphabet for the shop, and baking cookies (from the dough that I made last Thursday for Friday's cookie exchange I didn't go to because I was helping) for the Longest Night service we're having at 1900 tonight. And laundry. And vacuuming. And why do I feel like I get nothing done? That's craziness!
Card posting
You can go check 'em out here....
http://benzillascrapping.blogspot.com/2009/12/couple-of-new-old-cards.html
http://benzillascrapping.blogspot.com/2009/12/couple-of-new-old-cards.html
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Flickr Upload 12/17/09
Today’s set includes Zack’s Preschool, some Faves of Zack and Ben, Ben’s First Grade, some Wabash area pictures (be sure to check out the dog house with Direct TV, only in Indiana people!). You can see
them here… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Catching up...
I think life is catching up to me. In so many ways. Some times i just feel rushed, stressed, overwhelmed, sad, happy, relaxed, you name it. It has been fun to sort my parents pictures, you can read more about it here.
Maybe it's just that between Thanksgiving entering into Christmas holiday. You know, you're so looking forward to Thanksgiving, so busy, getting everything done, then there is a bit of a lull until Christmas but it is jammed packed full of decorating churches, caroling, Christmas (company or not) parties, Advent programs, buying presents, wrapping presents, baking and sometimes you just realize you don't want to do it all by yourself, that you want someone else to share the experience with you. I am that kind of person. Sharing the journey with someone for me makes it more meaningful. I don't know why. I am just so not looking forward to Christmas this year because their dad gets them the first week of break this year. I'm not dreading it, I'm just ambivalent, like, Oh, is is Christmas time?
The wrestler and I continue to have more and more contact. I had lunch with him 2 Fridays ago, that was cool, I got to see his lab (he fits prosthetics or however you spell it!) and we talked. And a bit more. He stopped by the house last week and that was fun. He called me Sunday to explain why he wasn't at church when he said he was going to. That really blew me away. I mean, I was totally not expecting it, it was so not necessary (but totally cool & sweet) cause it's not like we're really together or anything. I mean, he doesn't owe me an explanation, right? Does that make sense? He had gone to see his brother Saturday (which he called to tell me he was going to do, so re-read previous statements, they apply here too) and just decided to hang out until Sunday.
Of course, I missed him, but I kinda figured that's what had happened. So double my surprise that he called and didn't want me to be worried. It is getting to where we do communicate in some form every day. Not sure what that means, or where it will take us, but I know sometimes it is hard to keep with this I'm going to take it slow thing. But mostly, it has been good, and fun to do it.
006 had his Christmas program yesterday, Bob drove up to see it and joined us for supper. Weird to have him in my space. Like we're a family again, almost, but not. We drove together. Weird too. But the boys enjoyed it. 006 almost didn't go. He's not been feeling well since he came back, small cough and cold. And he was tired, you could just see it in his face. I found him (while I was cooking supper) in his bed with the covers up over his head. He was mostly asleep, poor guy! But he did go, had a great time, and they did FANTASTIC! It's always so much fun to watch!
I had both my cameras there. Got 1 shot from the DSLR, then the battery died. Dang! Whipped out the Nikon P&S, wouldn't even turn on the batteries were sooo dead. Bob used his iPhone camera. Not the best, but better than nothing. It made my little hard sooo sad. He was sooo stinkin' cute and right on the front row!
My mom & dad were both there. That made my heart do cartwheels. She doesn't get around very well so I was completely surprised she was there. I knew dad was going to be. I think she liked it. It's hard to tell sometimes. She has therapy this AM, so I'm waiting until this PM to go visit.
006 also has a doctor's appointment today to figure out what the weird growth is on his toe. Probably just a wart, but it's on the side of his big toe & it rubs on his shoe and is VERY painful. And starting tomorrow, they want to go back to riding the bus in the AM. I still want to pick them up in the PMs as it just makes things go smoother, not as much rushing. Which I hate rushing, but seem to do it all the time... go figure!
Maybe it's just that between Thanksgiving entering into Christmas holiday. You know, you're so looking forward to Thanksgiving, so busy, getting everything done, then there is a bit of a lull until Christmas but it is jammed packed full of decorating churches, caroling, Christmas (company or not) parties, Advent programs, buying presents, wrapping presents, baking and sometimes you just realize you don't want to do it all by yourself, that you want someone else to share the experience with you. I am that kind of person. Sharing the journey with someone for me makes it more meaningful. I don't know why. I am just so not looking forward to Christmas this year because their dad gets them the first week of break this year. I'm not dreading it, I'm just ambivalent, like, Oh, is is Christmas time?
The wrestler and I continue to have more and more contact. I had lunch with him 2 Fridays ago, that was cool, I got to see his lab (he fits prosthetics or however you spell it!) and we talked. And a bit more. He stopped by the house last week and that was fun. He called me Sunday to explain why he wasn't at church when he said he was going to. That really blew me away. I mean, I was totally not expecting it, it was so not necessary (but totally cool & sweet) cause it's not like we're really together or anything. I mean, he doesn't owe me an explanation, right? Does that make sense? He had gone to see his brother Saturday (which he called to tell me he was going to do, so re-read previous statements, they apply here too) and just decided to hang out until Sunday.
Of course, I missed him, but I kinda figured that's what had happened. So double my surprise that he called and didn't want me to be worried. It is getting to where we do communicate in some form every day. Not sure what that means, or where it will take us, but I know sometimes it is hard to keep with this I'm going to take it slow thing. But mostly, it has been good, and fun to do it.
006 had his Christmas program yesterday, Bob drove up to see it and joined us for supper. Weird to have him in my space. Like we're a family again, almost, but not. We drove together. Weird too. But the boys enjoyed it. 006 almost didn't go. He's not been feeling well since he came back, small cough and cold. And he was tired, you could just see it in his face. I found him (while I was cooking supper) in his bed with the covers up over his head. He was mostly asleep, poor guy! But he did go, had a great time, and they did FANTASTIC! It's always so much fun to watch!
I had both my cameras there. Got 1 shot from the DSLR, then the battery died. Dang! Whipped out the Nikon P&S, wouldn't even turn on the batteries were sooo dead. Bob used his iPhone camera. Not the best, but better than nothing. It made my little hard sooo sad. He was sooo stinkin' cute and right on the front row!
My mom & dad were both there. That made my heart do cartwheels. She doesn't get around very well so I was completely surprised she was there. I knew dad was going to be. I think she liked it. It's hard to tell sometimes. She has therapy this AM, so I'm waiting until this PM to go visit.
006 also has a doctor's appointment today to figure out what the weird growth is on his toe. Probably just a wart, but it's on the side of his big toe & it rubs on his shoe and is VERY painful. And starting tomorrow, they want to go back to riding the bus in the AM. I still want to pick them up in the PMs as it just makes things go smoother, not as much rushing. Which I hate rushing, but seem to do it all the time... go figure!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
New Upload to Flickr
Family,
Got some more pictures of the boys & family posted to Flickr, you can check here …. Oh, also Wabash-ites, there are some more of those too….
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Project uploaded...
Ooops, goofed and uploaded this Kindgergarten project over on the company site instead of here, you can check it out....
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Planet 51 Review
We saw the preview for this movie when we went to see Where the Wild Things Are and both boys (& me) thought it looked funny. When it came here to the cornfields we decided to go see it. For some reason (tired maybe) 006 freaked out! Didn't want to go, it wasn't at the Eagles and he did not want to go to Huntington. We missed the showing. Luckily Marion had another one & we did make that one. And of course he loved it. Won't admit to it, but he did. There were a couple scenes as a parent that mildly disturbed me, but overall, it was a wonderful movie, and a really cool re-do on the classic alien invasion theme. The names are also clever, the only one I can remember right now is Lem (Lunar Escape Module) but there were others that were of a similar nature. Computer animation just continues to improve beyond my wildest imaginations. I remember when Toy Story first came out (the first one, like a million years ago) and I remember even then how incredible it was. They just continue to push the edge of the envelope and continue to deliver spot on.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
More uploads to Flickr
Hey everyone, I just finished up another batch to Flickr, you can see here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ I also created some collections as the sets are getting numerous and hard to travel, so to speak. Roudebushs – there are a few that you would be interested in, Poole/Stouts – there are more there for you. Enjoy & love you all! M
Monday, November 30, 2009
A week in the life of a crazy, insane 40 year old woman...
OK, so I'm probably not quite that bad, but.... So last week was Thanksgiving, you know, the day in the US where you can stuff yourself full with as much food as you want & the calories don't exist? Yea, that one. Monday was normal. For me. That meant, gymnastics, swimming, supper, homework, bath & reading, but no worship team for once, yea! Don't get me wrong, I love being on worship team, but....
Tuesday I ended up helping with 000 so gramma could get ready for Thanksgiving. He's just so stinkin' cute and has hair that will NOT behave (OK, let's all do our bad Austin Powers impersonations now....). Then I went home and had bakefest 2009, if you were reading my tweets & FB updates. Pie crusts, banana muffins, pies, cinnamon rolls. Oh, and taking Ben (Zack's decided he doesn't like it for some unexplained reason!) to Pioneers club. And trying not to eat everything in site cause it smells so good.
Wednesday I helped with 000 again, but the wrestler was there too. Not going to go into why, not my story. But we were there alone in his mom's house, and we behaved. Really. Just talked for a bit. Not that I wasn't tempted when he was taking a shower, cause trust me, I was. I soooo was. He told me that I was awesome & I rocked. Sigh, I just want that to mean so much more than he probably means it. His dad told me that it has been really nice lately to have me around the house. Huh? Wow. Not sure where to go with that one.
Then it was back to my house to get packed, get the car packed, get the boys fed, bathed and in the car. And oh snap! I forgot to stop by Modoc's to get coffee for D&K so that means needing to go into town before leaving. And it's raining, I hate driving in the rain. It is a 2+ hour drive to my brother's house. The boys are totally looking forward to spending the night with Kevin. Which I think is totally cool. And I think it is totally cool that at 14 he likes hanging out with 008 & 006.
We get there, and they go to bed. We adults stay up and talk for a bit. Mom & Dad won't be over tomorrow for the meal. She's come down with pneumonia too. Dad got it last week. Geez, just when they get a break. Thursday doesn't much feel like Thanksgiving because of that. Dan & I work on 014's computer. That's fun, to totally geek out. And to talk to him like an adult about how computers & operating systems work. His new one has Windows 7 on it and he's not understanding why his 5+ year old games don't want to play nice & happy on it.
We drive home late Thursday and it is dark and rainy. Again. And my iPod is dead. So I guess I'll just use the Garmin but I don't have playlists set up on it well and have to skip songs. And it's flaky. And I end up parallel to the Indiana state line instead of crossing and can't figure out why it's taking so long to get there. So the map really helped.
Friday we hung out at the house & goofed off. Took leftovers over to the parental unit's house. Then I have to leave for Kokomo so the boys can be with their dad on Thanksgiving. I find out later he didn't even do Thanksgiving with them and that irritates me. Even if you can't be with all the family, can't you just do it for yourselves? Develop your own traditions? Anyway.... And I had a message from the wrestler, so we chatted a bit. That was really cool. Fun. Unexpected.
Saturday I worked on my class kit for December, and watched Farscape, and cleaned the church & worked on laundry.
Sunday, we had breakfast at the church so I went. After, I went out to steal a piece of gum from Zack's stash, and there he was in the parking lot with 000. My brain crashes. Geez, why does he have this affect on me and what is it? We talk. He apologizes for not calling yesterday. I tell him it's OK. He goes & sits down, I fuss with worship team stuff cause I can't decide what to do, do I sit next to him or not? I opt for not since he did not invite me. I sit a couple rows behind, where I still have a good view of ... pastor kay, Yea, that's it....
During service he gets up & leaves, and then later comes back. He sits next to me. Wow. He leans over to whisper in my ear that he has something to tell me after church (he never did say what it was!). I help hold the hymnal so he can sing. I hold 000 for a bit. He's just so snuggly! Later, it's communion & he can't take a piece of bread (we do unleavened bread & I made it this week). So when it's time, without thinking, after I break it, I pop half of it in his mouth. Oh wow, what did I just do. We both laugh, but it was one of those I'm outside myself moments. It reminded me of cake. I don't want to be reminded of cake. Luckily he's able to do the cup by that time.
We talk a bit after service, hug each other good bye. It is a really nice, long hug, not just one of those fly-by squeezes. He promises to call soon. OK. I really am just trying hard to hang back. It is hard for me, but I see the benefits. I think I'm doing OK with it. It really is the way it needs to be. Like advent, I'm just sort of waiting and watching to see how it will all unfold. It is sort of interesting to take that perspective. To make a conscious, intentional choice, as opposed to just letting things happen to you. To prepare yourself to be receptive; to open up to the possibilities.
I'm choosing to take this time to get to know me again, what I want out of a relationship, what I bring to a relationship. What I want out of life. What kind of mother I want to be. How I can best serve my parents & my church. I'm learning a ton and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. As painful as it has been, I would not give up this journey. I would have chosen these last 5 months all over again. And that, honestly, is a good feeling. These months have had value, merit.
Tonight, 008 gets off the bus and tells me over recess he was tackled, and that he bit his tongue. Didn't think much of it. So we went to gymnastics & swimming. We're eating & he's complaining of having to chew funny. So I have him stick out his tongue. I just about puke! No kidding. If it were a finger I'd take him to the ER. YIKES. I call my dad, he's not home, I call the ex, he's not answering, I call a couple from church who live close, their number rings busy. OK, now what do I do, it's 6:30, everything in Wabash is closed & I need someone to look at this tongue! I call the wrestler. I feel horrible for bothering him, and silly for having to ask. He said have him rinse with warm salt water, check, I knew to do that, where was my brain! His dad, a MD says they won't stitch a tongue, so just keep an eye on it for bleeding. Remarkably, it has not bled since he was home & it didn't much at school, but he was sent in to wash his face. OK, now also keep in mind I'm miffed that the school never notified me! If it bleeds he needs to go in. He also said "hey let me call you back I've got a friend from CA leaving". Probably one of his Marine buddies. Sure, I say, but it's not really necessary. He did anyway, isn't that sweet? And then (it got really hard to hear/understand, so I asked him again!) he said he would call tomorrow night. Not sure what about, I think he said, but I just said that would be wonderful & bye.
Oh, and then the ex called back. He was appropriately sympathetic & listening. As usual. You can do it, just hang in there. Dude, I didn't call you cause I didn't think I could handle it, I called you because it freaked me out a bit & I wasn't sure what to do. I'm usually very calm, cool & collected when it comes to this stuff, so not sure why it freaked me out. And the fact that I'm freaking out is freaking me out.
And then Dad called back. Hello, grand central! LOL but it was my own doing!
Sometimes I think I have Asperger's syndrome because I just don't always know how to handle myself socially & prefer small doses in my own choosing. A lot of times I just don't understand people on the phone & have to ask 2 & 3 times. Really annoying. I need face to face to have it make sense & stick.
Will I be able to sleep tonight? I have no idea!
Yes, we got homework done - 006 takes forever (at anything!), he didn't get his done in time so he lost reading time. Where he reads. I've resorted to setting a timer because the boy is sooo slow in the shower & homework. Like his momma, he gets distracted by every shiny bauble and dust bunny in his path. At least he gets it honest, but I think that's why it drives me crazy! But he really enjoys life and is so happy go lucky that I don't want to change that part. I think he's got it more figured out than me.
Hopefully tomorrow we'll all get to read...
Here's looking at you kid.....
Tuesday I ended up helping with 000 so gramma could get ready for Thanksgiving. He's just so stinkin' cute and has hair that will NOT behave (OK, let's all do our bad Austin Powers impersonations now....). Then I went home and had bakefest 2009, if you were reading my tweets & FB updates. Pie crusts, banana muffins, pies, cinnamon rolls. Oh, and taking Ben (Zack's decided he doesn't like it for some unexplained reason!) to Pioneers club. And trying not to eat everything in site cause it smells so good.
Wednesday I helped with 000 again, but the wrestler was there too. Not going to go into why, not my story. But we were there alone in his mom's house, and we behaved. Really. Just talked for a bit. Not that I wasn't tempted when he was taking a shower, cause trust me, I was. I soooo was. He told me that I was awesome & I rocked. Sigh, I just want that to mean so much more than he probably means it. His dad told me that it has been really nice lately to have me around the house. Huh? Wow. Not sure where to go with that one.
Then it was back to my house to get packed, get the car packed, get the boys fed, bathed and in the car. And oh snap! I forgot to stop by Modoc's to get coffee for D&K so that means needing to go into town before leaving. And it's raining, I hate driving in the rain. It is a 2+ hour drive to my brother's house. The boys are totally looking forward to spending the night with Kevin. Which I think is totally cool. And I think it is totally cool that at 14 he likes hanging out with 008 & 006.
We get there, and they go to bed. We adults stay up and talk for a bit. Mom & Dad won't be over tomorrow for the meal. She's come down with pneumonia too. Dad got it last week. Geez, just when they get a break. Thursday doesn't much feel like Thanksgiving because of that. Dan & I work on 014's computer. That's fun, to totally geek out. And to talk to him like an adult about how computers & operating systems work. His new one has Windows 7 on it and he's not understanding why his 5+ year old games don't want to play nice & happy on it.
We drive home late Thursday and it is dark and rainy. Again. And my iPod is dead. So I guess I'll just use the Garmin but I don't have playlists set up on it well and have to skip songs. And it's flaky. And I end up parallel to the Indiana state line instead of crossing and can't figure out why it's taking so long to get there. So the map really helped.
Friday we hung out at the house & goofed off. Took leftovers over to the parental unit's house. Then I have to leave for Kokomo so the boys can be with their dad on Thanksgiving. I find out later he didn't even do Thanksgiving with them and that irritates me. Even if you can't be with all the family, can't you just do it for yourselves? Develop your own traditions? Anyway.... And I had a message from the wrestler, so we chatted a bit. That was really cool. Fun. Unexpected.
Saturday I worked on my class kit for December, and watched Farscape, and cleaned the church & worked on laundry.
Sunday, we had breakfast at the church so I went. After, I went out to steal a piece of gum from Zack's stash, and there he was in the parking lot with 000. My brain crashes. Geez, why does he have this affect on me and what is it? We talk. He apologizes for not calling yesterday. I tell him it's OK. He goes & sits down, I fuss with worship team stuff cause I can't decide what to do, do I sit next to him or not? I opt for not since he did not invite me. I sit a couple rows behind, where I still have a good view of ... pastor kay, Yea, that's it....
During service he gets up & leaves, and then later comes back. He sits next to me. Wow. He leans over to whisper in my ear that he has something to tell me after church (he never did say what it was!). I help hold the hymnal so he can sing. I hold 000 for a bit. He's just so snuggly! Later, it's communion & he can't take a piece of bread (we do unleavened bread & I made it this week). So when it's time, without thinking, after I break it, I pop half of it in his mouth. Oh wow, what did I just do. We both laugh, but it was one of those I'm outside myself moments. It reminded me of cake. I don't want to be reminded of cake. Luckily he's able to do the cup by that time.
We talk a bit after service, hug each other good bye. It is a really nice, long hug, not just one of those fly-by squeezes. He promises to call soon. OK. I really am just trying hard to hang back. It is hard for me, but I see the benefits. I think I'm doing OK with it. It really is the way it needs to be. Like advent, I'm just sort of waiting and watching to see how it will all unfold. It is sort of interesting to take that perspective. To make a conscious, intentional choice, as opposed to just letting things happen to you. To prepare yourself to be receptive; to open up to the possibilities.
I'm choosing to take this time to get to know me again, what I want out of a relationship, what I bring to a relationship. What I want out of life. What kind of mother I want to be. How I can best serve my parents & my church. I'm learning a ton and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. As painful as it has been, I would not give up this journey. I would have chosen these last 5 months all over again. And that, honestly, is a good feeling. These months have had value, merit.
Tonight, 008 gets off the bus and tells me over recess he was tackled, and that he bit his tongue. Didn't think much of it. So we went to gymnastics & swimming. We're eating & he's complaining of having to chew funny. So I have him stick out his tongue. I just about puke! No kidding. If it were a finger I'd take him to the ER. YIKES. I call my dad, he's not home, I call the ex, he's not answering, I call a couple from church who live close, their number rings busy. OK, now what do I do, it's 6:30, everything in Wabash is closed & I need someone to look at this tongue! I call the wrestler. I feel horrible for bothering him, and silly for having to ask. He said have him rinse with warm salt water, check, I knew to do that, where was my brain! His dad, a MD says they won't stitch a tongue, so just keep an eye on it for bleeding. Remarkably, it has not bled since he was home & it didn't much at school, but he was sent in to wash his face. OK, now also keep in mind I'm miffed that the school never notified me! If it bleeds he needs to go in. He also said "hey let me call you back I've got a friend from CA leaving". Probably one of his Marine buddies. Sure, I say, but it's not really necessary. He did anyway, isn't that sweet? And then (it got really hard to hear/understand, so I asked him again!) he said he would call tomorrow night. Not sure what about, I think he said, but I just said that would be wonderful & bye.
Oh, and then the ex called back. He was appropriately sympathetic & listening. As usual. You can do it, just hang in there. Dude, I didn't call you cause I didn't think I could handle it, I called you because it freaked me out a bit & I wasn't sure what to do. I'm usually very calm, cool & collected when it comes to this stuff, so not sure why it freaked me out. And the fact that I'm freaking out is freaking me out.
And then Dad called back. Hello, grand central! LOL but it was my own doing!
Sometimes I think I have Asperger's syndrome because I just don't always know how to handle myself socially & prefer small doses in my own choosing. A lot of times I just don't understand people on the phone & have to ask 2 & 3 times. Really annoying. I need face to face to have it make sense & stick.
Will I be able to sleep tonight? I have no idea!
Yes, we got homework done - 006 takes forever (at anything!), he didn't get his done in time so he lost reading time. Where he reads. I've resorted to setting a timer because the boy is sooo slow in the shower & homework. Like his momma, he gets distracted by every shiny bauble and dust bunny in his path. At least he gets it honest, but I think that's why it drives me crazy! But he really enjoys life and is so happy go lucky that I don't want to change that part. I think he's got it more figured out than me.
Hopefully tomorrow we'll all get to read...
Here's looking at you kid.....
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Splash layout
This is from a family trip to Gatlinburg back in 2003.
Product used:
Papers =KI Memories
Letter stickers = Doodlebug
Brads = Bazzill Basics
Rub-ons=Art Warehouse
Clear sticker paper
Ticket from OberGatlinburg
New pictures on Flickr
Just got June 2007 uploaded – Brandy & Jennifer there’s some of the family up there. For those of you who are Wabash-ites, I created a special set for the photos I’ve taken around the area, if you are interested in a stroll down memory lane…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Best - elle
Hacker Attack
via docstoc.com
Found this today, one of the million books I worked on in a previous life. OK, maybe not a million, but you get the idea. Cool that it's available online now.Wednesday, November 25, 2009
3 Faves from yesterday's set...
Yesterday, between making pies, taking care of 000, making cinnamon rolls & other general "mom" duties, I also managed to squeeze in some proofing time. These were taken at the North Manchester, IN Harvest Fest last October. Yea, I know, I am soooo incredibly slow. But I have to admit, I have gotten onto a much more regular schedule of doing it, so I'm hoping that pays off in the end.... Here they are, in no order....
This is a close-up of the most beautiful fire escape I think I've ever seen.... right off Main Street.
and of course 006 & 008 playing in the straw maze (course they were 004 & 007 at the time...)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
This is my kind of humor!
This is so funny!!!!!
From a friend of mine's blog.... I can't stop laughing, thanks for sharing Katie!!!
It's the only one you've got...
This song
is so much my life. It is funny how many songs I say that about, but honestly, it is true. Does anyone else hear their life story in someone else's lyrics? Is that strange that I do that? I so deeply & emotionally connect with a song that sometimes I almost can't listen to it because of the effects it has on me.
This song tells me to not hold back, to go forth boldly in search of my dreams. To not put limits on those dreams. That I don't want to regret not trying something. That I would rather be brave, step off that ledge and try something and fail than wonder 20 years later what could have been if I had only but tried.
And mostly, that we all have that feeling inside. Some of us are able to muster forth the courage to do it, others get entangled in the fear of the risks. What if someone things I'm silly/stupid/dorky/etc? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I lose? Been there, been called all of those, and yes it is painful, but I would rather be dorky than just average & ordinary. I would rather be me because I'm the only one who really knows how to do that.
So today, I challenge myself, and you, to step into that scary territory of the unknown and go forth boldly. I'll be right there with you, holding your hand if you need me to. Because what I'm learning is that the joys of success far outweigh the risks/consequences of not doing it/failing at it. And honestly, do we really fail? How can it really be viewed as a failure if we tried? I think the only failure is not doing anything at all. Trust me, it's going to be so much better on the other side.
elle
is so much my life. It is funny how many songs I say that about, but honestly, it is true. Does anyone else hear their life story in someone else's lyrics? Is that strange that I do that? I so deeply & emotionally connect with a song that sometimes I almost can't listen to it because of the effects it has on me.This song tells me to not hold back, to go forth boldly in search of my dreams. To not put limits on those dreams. That I don't want to regret not trying something. That I would rather be brave, step off that ledge and try something and fail than wonder 20 years later what could have been if I had only but tried.
And mostly, that we all have that feeling inside. Some of us are able to muster forth the courage to do it, others get entangled in the fear of the risks. What if someone things I'm silly/stupid/dorky/etc? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I lose? Been there, been called all of those, and yes it is painful, but I would rather be dorky than just average & ordinary. I would rather be me because I'm the only one who really knows how to do that.
So today, I challenge myself, and you, to step into that scary territory of the unknown and go forth boldly. I'll be right there with you, holding your hand if you need me to. Because what I'm learning is that the joys of success far outweigh the risks/consequences of not doing it/failing at it. And honestly, do we really fail? How can it really be viewed as a failure if we tried? I think the only failure is not doing anything at all. Trust me, it's going to be so much better on the other side.
elle
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday life...
Ah, the house is quiet (except for YouTube playlist in the background), kids are off to school, lovely fog-shrouded sunrise in progress....what could be better?
Thought I'd get a bit caught up today, being the holiday week, I always tend to bite off more than I can chew when I'm overwhelmed. Lots of bloggers & facebook friends have been documenting what they are thankful for... here's my go... (not really any any order, except the first one...)
On the relationship side of life, yes, the wrestler and I are still talking, in fact we talked every day Tuesday to Friday & my little shippy heart was totally thrilled. It was almost strange to not hear from him Saturday (he was working) or Sunday (he was at his sister's church). We are taking things very slowly, sometimes to me too slowly, but hey, I'm at least learning how to be patient. I don't think I've learned it yet. I try to not get too hopeful and to not let "things" mean anything, but that is hard because I really, really want it to. I also try to analyze my every motive for contacting him to make sure it's not going to be misread. I probably overthink it. I also end up not contacting him because I want it to be his choice, his doing, allow him to do the pursuing. But this is hard as I don't want to send the message that I'm not interested and that I don't care about him. Would sending a message that says "hey how was your day today?" fall under the pursuing category or just general friend interest, was thinking about you today category? these are some of the things I think about.
anyway, the secret is one day at a time, that is really all I need to concern myself with. Very easy to type, harder to live, but I'm trying... thanks for listening! elle
Thought I'd get a bit caught up today, being the holiday week, I always tend to bite off more than I can chew when I'm overwhelmed. Lots of bloggers & facebook friends have been documenting what they are thankful for... here's my go... (not really any any order, except the first one...)
- God, without him, I would be meaningless
- My kids, whiny, grumpy, hugging, loving, kissing, it doesn't matter - they continually challenge me to be a better mom
- Maslow's basic needs - you know, food, water & shelter. so many do not have this, or what they do have we would not consider as meeting this definition
- Men & women who put their lives on the line so that I might live mine the way I do. And challenge me to make sure it's not in vain. And their families who tirelessly support them in that endeveour
- Friends - there with a phone call, hug or whatever it is that I need that day
- My family. Yea, we're dysfunctional, but which family is NOT?
- My health - without it, I would not be able to achieve what I can every day
- My computer - I am a techno geek gadget girl after all
- Coffee - been drinking only fair trade from Modoc's lately. Wonderful flavor
- Beautiful sunrises - they remind me of God's majesty every day
- There are lots more, but 10 is a nice round number
- Cinnamon Rolls for Thanksgiving morning as well as 5th Sunday Breakfast @ church - using my mom's recipe (that she got from her gramma)
- Pumpkin "cake" for Thanksgiving
- Banana bread - before they completely rot
- Pumpkin pie (yes, i make my crust by hand too)
- Apple pie - need to peel dem apples too!
- New Christmas product for the store
- Christmas class kit & flyer
- Getting to the Y more to walk (last week was lousy!)
- Christmas shopping - game for both boys, bedding for Ben & that's about it
- Getting mom's pictures into photo albums. Thinking of only "lightly" scrapping them. Don't ask me what that means, I'm not sure...
- Cranberry salad for Thanksgiving - my Aunt Barbara helped me snag my Gramma's recipe from "out of her head"
- And all the other housekeeping, mommy duties, and other stuff I do on a weekly basis....
On the relationship side of life, yes, the wrestler and I are still talking, in fact we talked every day Tuesday to Friday & my little shippy heart was totally thrilled. It was almost strange to not hear from him Saturday (he was working) or Sunday (he was at his sister's church). We are taking things very slowly, sometimes to me too slowly, but hey, I'm at least learning how to be patient. I don't think I've learned it yet. I try to not get too hopeful and to not let "things" mean anything, but that is hard because I really, really want it to. I also try to analyze my every motive for contacting him to make sure it's not going to be misread. I probably overthink it. I also end up not contacting him because I want it to be his choice, his doing, allow him to do the pursuing. But this is hard as I don't want to send the message that I'm not interested and that I don't care about him. Would sending a message that says "hey how was your day today?" fall under the pursuing category or just general friend interest, was thinking about you today category? these are some of the things I think about.
anyway, the secret is one day at a time, that is really all I need to concern myself with. Very easy to type, harder to live, but I'm trying... thanks for listening! elle
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Indie Movie - Good Dick
OK, I'm not always a big fan of indies, but I took a chance on this one and am totally glad I did, perhaps it will turn me around yet. You can find the movie here at Netflix, Good Dick . It is about a young woman who is "addicted" to erotica/soft porn and on the surface, that might turn you off. But, like an onion, if you peel the layers back, you discover that she is actually a young woman who struggles with social interaction and it leads you to wonder why. As the movie progresses, the layers get peeled back and the root is revealed. I don't want to mention more than that, as I don't want to ruin it for you. There is also a second story arc which is her meeting this young guy and how he falls in love with her and has to learn to be patient for her to catch up. And how their relationship is really warped & twisted because of her past. At times, the dialog is lacking, and the story slows down, but overall, I think it is a very good story, realistically portrayed and well worth the watch. Just as you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, don't judge a movie by it's title (I'm so guilty of that, sometimes it's the only determining factor for me. Bad me!).
If you watch it, let me know what you think of it in the comments!
elle
If you watch it, let me know what you think of it in the comments!
elle
New photos on flickr
Just uploaded some from May 2007. Brandy & Jennifer, there are a bunch in there that you will really like!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
elle
http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
elle
Taking Risks
Because part of coping with adult life is allowing yourself to want something even if you are not sure you’ll get it.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/11/02/first-be-honest-about-what-you-want/
Very interesting read. I’ve subscribed to her blog for a long time. She can be raw which can be a turn off to some, but she’s real and that is a very rare thing in “corporate” America these days. She has also managed to balance being a strong woman, with being, well, a woman and vulnerable and raising small children.
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/11/02/first-be-honest-about-what-you-want/
Very interesting read. I’ve subscribed to her blog for a long time. She can be raw which can be a turn off to some, but she’s real and that is a very rare thing in “corporate” America these days. She has also managed to balance being a strong woman, with being, well, a woman and vulnerable and raising small children.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My new favorite TV show
OK, I know I said I really liked NBC’s Trauma. Still do, so very action packed. But my little SciFi heart needs more. Stargate:Universe just wasn’t cutting it. I so miss Ben Browder and Joe Flannigan….sigh….and mostly, I still miss Battlestar Galactica. Big sigh…. Growing up (OK, I was a teenager, but who’s counting?!) I loved V. Loved it. I was a bit skeptical when I found out they were doing a remake, but then I loved the reimage of BSG, so why not give it a try I thought. Oh, my heart is swooning in full, over-the-top pixilated reptilian love! As Junie B. Jones would say, Oh, wowie, wow, wow! OK, it’s true I’ve only watched 2 epis so far, but wow, they have been good ones. Only 1 beef, they have the priest swear, twice. But I know, they are human too, and he’s (obviously) under a lot of pressure. I’m totally digging the new story lines and character development. Please, oh please give me some characters with meat on them (reptilian or otherwise). I want something with depth, not just off-handed one-liners. Make ‘em work hard for that money!
I haven’t watched tonight’s yet (I DVR everything, the ONLY way to go!) so don’t spoil it for me.
LOOOVE it!
elle
I haven’t watched tonight’s yet (I DVR everything, the ONLY way to go!) so don’t spoil it for me.
LOOOVE it!
elle
be sure to watch this ...
http://www.pbs.org/pov/waywegetby/ it is not showing on my local PBS stations anymore, unfortunately I missed it on Veteran’s Day.; You can see the YouTube trailer here it is very poignant and will touch your heart in the most remarkable ways. It is available at NetFlix here http://www.netflix.com/Search?v1=The%20Way%20We%20Get%20By&lnkce=acsEnhCk I just added it to my queue.
It is not a political story, it is a personal story that speaks to the commitment of not only those who serve, but those who feel called to welcome them home.
elle
It is not a political story, it is a personal story that speaks to the commitment of not only those who serve, but those who feel called to welcome them home.
elle
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Done, it's all done... #sundaysetlists
And I didn’t even faint, puke, hyperventilate or lock my knees. I did goof up a couple of times, I suppose, but that’s ok too. And actually, I had fun doing it. Well, at least the last 2 paragraphs, and then well, I was disappointed it was over. I’m sharing this here, because many have asked to see it and thought it would be a good vehicle to use. And well, as a backup in case my computer blows up. Also, I’m participating this week in the Sunday Setlist, over at Fred McKinnon http://www.fredmckinnon.com/myblog/2009/11/15/sunday-setlists-69/ .
Please keep in mind, I’m not a pro. While I’ve done my fair share of public speaking, I must say, it’s different when you are responsible for coming up with the material. Very different. I also want to say “Thank you Pastor Kay” for allowing me this incredible opportunity, a chance to catch a glimpse into your life. Wow. It was an amazing, powerful experience.
She was wrong, she did it all wrong. She was a woman with a bad reputation, a prostitute, divorced, unclean, which one? Doesn’t matter, really. She was not supposed to be there, not supposed to do what she was doing. She was unworthy to be in the house, let alone sit at his feet. And then she broke a perfectly good alabaster jar. And washed his feet with expensive perfume. Perfume that had she sold it, she could have given the money to his cause. And dried his feet with her hair. Her hair?! What was she thinking?! She was a woman, the lowliest of low, how on earth could she even think of touching the rabbi? And by her touching him, he is now unclean. He can’t be unclean, can’t allow himself to be unclean, he wouldn’t be the messiah anymore. Surely he gets that? Right? These were Simon’s thoughts and words. How could he even think of letting her do this? If he was really the messiah, doesn’t he know who she is? And Jesus’ response? Who better to come to me than the most broken? Who needs me more?
And what about us? Who are we? Do we identify with the woman or Simon? Because here’s the deal. We can’t do God’s work without being broken. He uses our brokenness to show his greatness. It is through our brokenness that the grace of God is able to leak out of us to surround those around us. 1 peter 4:10 reminds us that we are the steward’s of God’s manifold grace….. we are the delivery mechanism. But if we are closed up, contained, a perfect alabaster jar, can that happen? And can you be that if you are just cracked a wee little bit, or would it be better to be completely broken, shattered so that it doesn’t just leak out, but it gushes out, it floods to sweep away all those around you. So that they too can get swept in the love of Christ.
Remember the kid’s song: love is something that when you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something that when you give it away, you end up having more. Love is just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you want have any, lend it spend it and you’ll have so many, they’ll roll all over the floor. Isn’t that what Christ wanted us to do, isn’t the greatest commandment to love as he has first loved us?
But can you give it away, or are you too focused like Simon on keeping your jar together? Does anyone have their jar all together? The reality is that none of us do. And so many of us, myself included, are just so focused on putting the jar back together that we hold everything inside, close to us, afraid to let it out. But I’m discovering that is the wrong approach. We need to embrace our brokenness. We need to let go of getting our jars together so that God’s love and grace can spill out of us and affect those around us. We don’t want complete jars, it just won’t work that way. It can’t get out of us and into someone else, if our jar is pristine.
We are all flawed. We all have cracks. But society teaches us we need to be perfect. In every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Every aspect of our lives is put under a microscope. We feel as though we are being judged constantly – every move we make. But who is our biggest critic? Who is our biggest judge? Who is the Simon in our life? Let’s face it, we are both. We are the woman, and we are Simon. Our biggest judge is ourselves. That internal Simon that won’t stop talking. No duct tape in site to put over his mouth. It’s almost like playing the game of Simon, remember, with the 4 colors and you had to push the colors in the order that the little computer put them in? We do the same thing. Whatever that voice says, we repeat, and repeat and repeat to ourselves until we believe them. We actually believe them.
And why do we believe those words? Because we are broken. Because we all have the same fear of rejection. We all have this inner need to be loved & valued. To be appreciated. But yet we don’t feel as though we deserve it. Because of that inner voice. And so because of that, because we are taught that being weak is the same thing as being bad and ineffective we hide our brokenness away so that no one can see it. We hide it behind these level 10 force fields trying desperately to not only keep the brokenness together and not let anyone see our damaged goods, but detrimentally also keeping his love hidden away inside. In essence, we hide those broken aspects of ourselves away, behind a mask of perfection, of a “I got it together, you’re not gonna see the icky part of me” image of what we want other people to see. Until we almost deceive ourselves.
And the most amazing, backward-thinking thing is that when you are the weakest you get the most love, when you are the most broken you get the most grace. And in turn are able to give the most love and grace. We are not able to do his work by ourselves. We have to allow him to work through us. But the only way that work comes out is by us turning off our force fields. To let it get through our security systems, climb the walls and breach the perimeter. By allowing him to show and use our brokenness. By removing the masks that hide our pain and shame.
Plain and simple, his efforts are strongest when ours are the weakest. Huh? But how can that be? We get so focused on the “should nots” and “shoulds” of being good Christian boys & girls that we loose sight of who he made us to be and who he is.
Let’s take a different look at Christ for a moment. Do you think he was ever hungry, thirsty, dirty, tired, scared, or angry? Do you ever think he just got so frustrated with the disciples because they just didn’t get it? “Peter, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, I have come to save you. I am the son of God, come on man, just trust me on this one”.
But he was also the son of Man. We tend to get so caught up in his holiness that we forget he was also human. He HAD to be human. And you know, he could have changed any circumstance in a heartbeat just by calling it out. He could have ordered a Jacuzzi tub for his feet when they were cold, hurt and tired. He could have drawn forth a feast for himself and his followers when he was hungry, a comfortable bed to lie on when he was sleepy. But he chose not to. He chose to endure, to be like us.
It was through his humanity that he was able to establish that link to us. To understand how we feel when we are scared to death, angry to our wits end, desperate with no end in site. Praying in the garden he was frustrated with his friends, his brothers. They kept falling asleep on him, they disappointed him. He rebukes them. He is scared. He sweats blood. What? That’s some serious fear there. I mean, I’ve been scared before, but that’s never happened. Dude….He knows what is coming. He doesn’t want it, but he absolutely wants to do the will of his father. He does have a choice. How tempting would it have been as a man to at that moment use his holiness to pass the cup, to at that moment just ascend to heaven and be done with the whole deal. To duck the job. How many of us would have been able to make the decision he made?
In my mind that prayer goes something like “ok, dad, listen, you know, why can’t you just like, you know, write a note, or something and give everybody a get out of jail free card and a free spin and then we can have a party and celebrate? I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with plenty of bread & fish & wine. You know I’m really good at that. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t you just give me the keys to the car and like I’ll drive away, you never have to see me again, I promise I’ll take good care of it. Isn’t there someone else who could do it? Maybe even better than me, I’m kinda squeamish on the whole blood thing. Yea, I know, I know dad, really, it is what I have to do. I don’t want to, I really don’t want to. I’m scared, what’s going to happen? Are you going to be there for me when it’s all done? I think I’m gonna need a hug after all of that. I want to do what you want me to, but, well, it’s a little over the top, don’t you think? No, there’s no other way? Ok, well, I’ll trust you, I mean you’re my dad and all and I know you know what’s best”.
How many of us, how many times, have we been there saying those exact same words to God? He understands that feeling you are feeling because he felt that same agony. His feet hurt after a long day of walking. His voice got scratchy after a long day of teaching. He got tired after a hard day’s work – he fell asleep in the middle of a storm no less. So he gets that feeling that each of us feel. It is in his very humanity that he’s able to forgive us when we get angry, when we disappoint, when we don’t live up to our potential.
He wants us to learn from those moments of despair. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others. We need to learn that there is someone else out there, this very moment that needs the experience we’ve had. Who needs that encouragement that someone else has been through the muck and the mire and survived, and maybe not just survived, but discovered how to thrive. It is our very brokenness that not only allows us to help heal someone else, but also in token to heal ourselves in the same process. But if we never admit to our brokenness and show it then how can he use it? At that point, they are just mistakes instead of stepping stones.
Henri Nouwen says in The Wounded Healer – “Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds?” so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but “How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?” When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.
Jesus is God’s wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus’ suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.”
A friend of mine once said something very similar. We all have bad ju-ju inside us. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s all the same. It ends up making us all feel the same crummy way. We begin to heal by not only recognizing that in others, but also in ourselves. By allowing ourselves to be broken in the first place. So that the love of God can be released and radiate to all those around us.
Because his grace IS sufficient, for any and all of our brokenness. It has to be, because there is no other way. There is no brokenness so dark, so bleak, so awful that the light of his grace cannot eradicate it from our souls. His grace is what allows our brokenness to heal and be transformed into his love and glory for those around us. We are the mechanisms of his grace, but only when we allow it to freely flow out of us, just as water spills forth from a broken vessel. The really amazing thing is that unlike the vessel which empties its contents and has no more, we just never run out of grace.
In a popular Christian rock song, the lyrics say:
Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Trying to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
We all need to be free to be me. The real me. The broken me.
She took a risk. She understood what could happen. She knew she could be scorned, ridiculed, thrown out of the house or worse. But she chose to do it anyway. She chose to be herself, to be free. She was the only one who could do it. Her, a broken, wounded sinful woman. Because her need for healing outweighed her fear of the consequences. Because she got it. She got what the disciples struggled to get even after 3 years with him. She got what Simon didn’t. She got that he really was the wonderful counselor, the great physician, here to heal, and save, us all, if we can but just acknowledge the brokenness.
Thank you very much for reading….
elle
Please keep in mind, I’m not a pro. While I’ve done my fair share of public speaking, I must say, it’s different when you are responsible for coming up with the material. Very different. I also want to say “Thank you Pastor Kay” for allowing me this incredible opportunity, a chance to catch a glimpse into your life. Wow. It was an amazing, powerful experience.
She was wrong, she did it all wrong. She was a woman with a bad reputation, a prostitute, divorced, unclean, which one? Doesn’t matter, really. She was not supposed to be there, not supposed to do what she was doing. She was unworthy to be in the house, let alone sit at his feet. And then she broke a perfectly good alabaster jar. And washed his feet with expensive perfume. Perfume that had she sold it, she could have given the money to his cause. And dried his feet with her hair. Her hair?! What was she thinking?! She was a woman, the lowliest of low, how on earth could she even think of touching the rabbi? And by her touching him, he is now unclean. He can’t be unclean, can’t allow himself to be unclean, he wouldn’t be the messiah anymore. Surely he gets that? Right? These were Simon’s thoughts and words. How could he even think of letting her do this? If he was really the messiah, doesn’t he know who she is? And Jesus’ response? Who better to come to me than the most broken? Who needs me more?
And what about us? Who are we? Do we identify with the woman or Simon? Because here’s the deal. We can’t do God’s work without being broken. He uses our brokenness to show his greatness. It is through our brokenness that the grace of God is able to leak out of us to surround those around us. 1 peter 4:10 reminds us that we are the steward’s of God’s manifold grace….. we are the delivery mechanism. But if we are closed up, contained, a perfect alabaster jar, can that happen? And can you be that if you are just cracked a wee little bit, or would it be better to be completely broken, shattered so that it doesn’t just leak out, but it gushes out, it floods to sweep away all those around you. So that they too can get swept in the love of Christ.
Remember the kid’s song: love is something that when you give it away, give it away, give it away. Love is something that when you give it away, you end up having more. Love is just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you want have any, lend it spend it and you’ll have so many, they’ll roll all over the floor. Isn’t that what Christ wanted us to do, isn’t the greatest commandment to love as he has first loved us?
But can you give it away, or are you too focused like Simon on keeping your jar together? Does anyone have their jar all together? The reality is that none of us do. And so many of us, myself included, are just so focused on putting the jar back together that we hold everything inside, close to us, afraid to let it out. But I’m discovering that is the wrong approach. We need to embrace our brokenness. We need to let go of getting our jars together so that God’s love and grace can spill out of us and affect those around us. We don’t want complete jars, it just won’t work that way. It can’t get out of us and into someone else, if our jar is pristine.
We are all flawed. We all have cracks. But society teaches us we need to be perfect. In every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Every aspect of our lives is put under a microscope. We feel as though we are being judged constantly – every move we make. But who is our biggest critic? Who is our biggest judge? Who is the Simon in our life? Let’s face it, we are both. We are the woman, and we are Simon. Our biggest judge is ourselves. That internal Simon that won’t stop talking. No duct tape in site to put over his mouth. It’s almost like playing the game of Simon, remember, with the 4 colors and you had to push the colors in the order that the little computer put them in? We do the same thing. Whatever that voice says, we repeat, and repeat and repeat to ourselves until we believe them. We actually believe them.
And why do we believe those words? Because we are broken. Because we all have the same fear of rejection. We all have this inner need to be loved & valued. To be appreciated. But yet we don’t feel as though we deserve it. Because of that inner voice. And so because of that, because we are taught that being weak is the same thing as being bad and ineffective we hide our brokenness away so that no one can see it. We hide it behind these level 10 force fields trying desperately to not only keep the brokenness together and not let anyone see our damaged goods, but detrimentally also keeping his love hidden away inside. In essence, we hide those broken aspects of ourselves away, behind a mask of perfection, of a “I got it together, you’re not gonna see the icky part of me” image of what we want other people to see. Until we almost deceive ourselves.
And the most amazing, backward-thinking thing is that when you are the weakest you get the most love, when you are the most broken you get the most grace. And in turn are able to give the most love and grace. We are not able to do his work by ourselves. We have to allow him to work through us. But the only way that work comes out is by us turning off our force fields. To let it get through our security systems, climb the walls and breach the perimeter. By allowing him to show and use our brokenness. By removing the masks that hide our pain and shame.
Plain and simple, his efforts are strongest when ours are the weakest. Huh? But how can that be? We get so focused on the “should nots” and “shoulds” of being good Christian boys & girls that we loose sight of who he made us to be and who he is.
Let’s take a different look at Christ for a moment. Do you think he was ever hungry, thirsty, dirty, tired, scared, or angry? Do you ever think he just got so frustrated with the disciples because they just didn’t get it? “Peter, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, I have come to save you. I am the son of God, come on man, just trust me on this one”.
But he was also the son of Man. We tend to get so caught up in his holiness that we forget he was also human. He HAD to be human. And you know, he could have changed any circumstance in a heartbeat just by calling it out. He could have ordered a Jacuzzi tub for his feet when they were cold, hurt and tired. He could have drawn forth a feast for himself and his followers when he was hungry, a comfortable bed to lie on when he was sleepy. But he chose not to. He chose to endure, to be like us.
It was through his humanity that he was able to establish that link to us. To understand how we feel when we are scared to death, angry to our wits end, desperate with no end in site. Praying in the garden he was frustrated with his friends, his brothers. They kept falling asleep on him, they disappointed him. He rebukes them. He is scared. He sweats blood. What? That’s some serious fear there. I mean, I’ve been scared before, but that’s never happened. Dude….He knows what is coming. He doesn’t want it, but he absolutely wants to do the will of his father. He does have a choice. How tempting would it have been as a man to at that moment use his holiness to pass the cup, to at that moment just ascend to heaven and be done with the whole deal. To duck the job. How many of us would have been able to make the decision he made?
In my mind that prayer goes something like “ok, dad, listen, you know, why can’t you just like, you know, write a note, or something and give everybody a get out of jail free card and a free spin and then we can have a party and celebrate? I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with plenty of bread & fish & wine. You know I’m really good at that. Why does it have to be this way? Can’t you just give me the keys to the car and like I’ll drive away, you never have to see me again, I promise I’ll take good care of it. Isn’t there someone else who could do it? Maybe even better than me, I’m kinda squeamish on the whole blood thing. Yea, I know, I know dad, really, it is what I have to do. I don’t want to, I really don’t want to. I’m scared, what’s going to happen? Are you going to be there for me when it’s all done? I think I’m gonna need a hug after all of that. I want to do what you want me to, but, well, it’s a little over the top, don’t you think? No, there’s no other way? Ok, well, I’ll trust you, I mean you’re my dad and all and I know you know what’s best”.
How many of us, how many times, have we been there saying those exact same words to God? He understands that feeling you are feeling because he felt that same agony. His feet hurt after a long day of walking. His voice got scratchy after a long day of teaching. He got tired after a hard day’s work – he fell asleep in the middle of a storm no less. So he gets that feeling that each of us feel. It is in his very humanity that he’s able to forgive us when we get angry, when we disappoint, when we don’t live up to our potential.
He wants us to learn from those moments of despair. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and others. We need to learn that there is someone else out there, this very moment that needs the experience we’ve had. Who needs that encouragement that someone else has been through the muck and the mire and survived, and maybe not just survived, but discovered how to thrive. It is our very brokenness that not only allows us to help heal someone else, but also in token to heal ourselves in the same process. But if we never admit to our brokenness and show it then how can he use it? At that point, they are just mistakes instead of stepping stones.
Henri Nouwen says in The Wounded Healer – “Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds?” so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but “How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?” When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.
Jesus is God’s wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus’ suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others.”
A friend of mine once said something very similar. We all have bad ju-ju inside us. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s all the same. It ends up making us all feel the same crummy way. We begin to heal by not only recognizing that in others, but also in ourselves. By allowing ourselves to be broken in the first place. So that the love of God can be released and radiate to all those around us.
Because his grace IS sufficient, for any and all of our brokenness. It has to be, because there is no other way. There is no brokenness so dark, so bleak, so awful that the light of his grace cannot eradicate it from our souls. His grace is what allows our brokenness to heal and be transformed into his love and glory for those around us. We are the mechanisms of his grace, but only when we allow it to freely flow out of us, just as water spills forth from a broken vessel. The really amazing thing is that unlike the vessel which empties its contents and has no more, we just never run out of grace.
In a popular Christian rock song, the lyrics say:
Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Trying to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
We all need to be free to be me. The real me. The broken me.
She took a risk. She understood what could happen. She knew she could be scorned, ridiculed, thrown out of the house or worse. But she chose to do it anyway. She chose to be herself, to be free. She was the only one who could do it. Her, a broken, wounded sinful woman. Because her need for healing outweighed her fear of the consequences. Because she got it. She got what the disciples struggled to get even after 3 years with him. She got what Simon didn’t. She got that he really was the wonderful counselor, the great physician, here to heal, and save, us all, if we can but just acknowledge the brokenness.
Thank you very much for reading….
elle
Friday, November 13, 2009
very succinct
I really like this, it is very much along the lines of my message for Sunday…. http://www.theworshipcommunity.com/forums/pure-praise-group-study-worshipers/4176-brokeness-heart-god.html
friday the 13th...
Aarhhhhhh, run away, run away…. No I’m not really phobic of Friday the 13th, although there is a phobia for it, but I forget what it is….ah, good ole wiki to the rescue…. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th....
Anyway, read through my message 2x, it’s about 16 minutes, so that’s sweet, need to do my grocery list, then work on my 25 stories of Christmas album for the blog hop (yup, I’m a big looser cause I only posted up to #8 last night before the deadline) then it’s off to the y for some walking esp. since I missed yesterday, then to FISH then grab some lunch and get some 000 lovin’ then to grocery store, back home, breathe and take the kids to kokomo since it’s a daddy weekend. I’m gonna really miss them, I always do……
So I hate reading, but I can’t memorize all 7 pages of it, cause I stink at that…. Do you think the church would splurge for a tele-prompter?? Yea, me neither….ok, guess I’m going to have to be ok with reading it…..
elle
Anyway, read through my message 2x, it’s about 16 minutes, so that’s sweet, need to do my grocery list, then work on my 25 stories of Christmas album for the blog hop (yup, I’m a big looser cause I only posted up to #8 last night before the deadline) then it’s off to the y for some walking esp. since I missed yesterday, then to FISH then grab some lunch and get some 000 lovin’ then to grocery store, back home, breathe and take the kids to kokomo since it’s a daddy weekend. I’m gonna really miss them, I always do……
So I hate reading, but I can’t memorize all 7 pages of it, cause I stink at that…. Do you think the church would splurge for a tele-prompter?? Yea, me neither….ok, guess I’m going to have to be ok with reading it…..
elle
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