OK, I’ve been promising to get this out for a long time. Not sure if I’m ready or not, but I have a few minutes to try and purge. This song so much wraps up what I’ve been feeling, thinking & experiencing for the past 5 years. Wow, it is hard to believe that in January that is what it will be. But yet I know it’s been longer than that too. I was looking through some of my older pictures looking for something to scrap & all of these thoughts & emotions came bubbling to the surface, it was just completely overwhelming I was so so taken by surprise. I had no idea. Probably just because I was living it without paying attention.
So the reason why it’s been a hard few weeks is because the X got remarried. I know it sounds weird, it shouldn’t bother me. I don’t want to be married to him, I don’t want to have a life with him. He is not the person I thought I married. I’m sure he feels the same about me. But he is the father of my children & I never wanted my family split apart. I didn’t want to be divorced – again. I didn’t want another failed relationship. At what point do my relationships stop failing & start working? At what point in life do I get a bit of what I want? Why must I always give in to what the other wants? And that is not completely true. I have left boyfriends because they weren’t right for me. But it is just so frustrating to see everyone else with what I want & not have it. And it is frustrating to want something so badly. Why can’t I just stop & give up on it?
I wish him the best of luck. I hope he’s found a relationship he can actually stick with & not give up on. I hope he has learned from it. And I hope he has shared it with her. Because she is a sweet woman & deserves to know & know that she has made that decision with “all” of the information. I hope he is able to be for her what he was not able to be for me. I hope that he is able to model for our sons what a healthy, happy relationship looks like.
And I know it wasn’t all his fault, and it wasn’t all mine either. I know there was a huge side of me & my life I couldn’t share with him. Was terrified to share with him. Was afraid he wouldn’t love me or find me acceptable if he knew. Those are demons I’m having to face as I’m trying to do it “right” this time around. I know I struggled with an identity after leaving Thomson & becoming a full-time mom & wife. There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back. But I can’t so I’m just trying to do them going forward.
It is hard to admit your failures. And that was what it represented for me. And yes, EE and I have talked about it a bit. It is weird to do a bit. I certainly don’t want to give him the wrong impression, but I don’t want to hide anything & I did feel better after. He is a good sweet man, and I am so very blessed by his presence in my life. I can’t imagine all the twists & turns in fate that had to occur for us to both be at Charley Creek that night, but I am so thankful they did.
Which leads me to this song…
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