You can see it here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
It was small this time, not really many favorites so I’m not going to share any here. Been busy with Christmas celebrations, work & house stuff. We have big plans this weekend, so I’m really looking forward to that. More to come on Christmas & New Years later….
For the full feed: http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/...
I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve actually posted anything. Work is crazy busy, and now we’ve got the added challenge of continuing education. I’m just not sure I have the rat race in me anymore. But I try to keep plugging along. Blankie left, and I miss him. He was so fun to talk with. I love talking with people who come from different ways of life, I think there is so much we can learn from them, if we just listen.
Thanksgiving this year was a bit of a whirlwind. I forgot what kind of scheduling challenges one faces when another family is involved. Of course, I should say I felt like I about had to invite myself, by basically saying the week before “you know, if you want me to go, you gotta let me know” kind of thing. I was a bit hurt because he hadn’t really said anything, but had talked about the fact that he was going several times. I just kept waiting for him to say something. In fact, if I remember right, I invited him to dad’s before he made any mention of us going with him. So we went EE’s mom’s for the Thursday meal, so we actually went up Wednesday night & stayed in a hotel. We all rode together. I think that was cool. So many times lately, it has been us driving separately, for whatever reason. It still surprises me that we find enough to talk about to fill the time. And there are silent moments, and that is OK with both of us, he knows I like to just stare out the window and let my thoughts wander. The boys loved the hotel, with the pool & hottub. And he stayed with us, which I really enjoyed, he certainly didn’t have to, he could have stayed at home with D&S. Thursday AM the boys & I just hung out in the room and he ran all over BC to help his mom get stuff ready. We were all more than hungry by the time we got there. She had so much food! His 3 kids were there, his brother with his 3 were there, the 4 of us, and his mom, so 11 people packed into her little house. The house she’s had since he was in 10th grade. Wow. They have their differences, but she tries hard. We stay there until about 4 and then leave to go back to the room. Decide to lay down for a nap. We wanted Chinese but all the places were closed. He finally found a steak & shake & asked me what I wanted so I texted him “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” as a joke & then sent him our real order. that will teach me! He was able to get 2 of them changed. I ate my cheeseburger & I LIKED it! Lol (think SNL here…) ended up watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and 008 fell asleep in between us. I think he’s feeling some jealousy issues. He’s still a bit sore over the whole “rivergate” incident.
Friday we drive back to Wabash to go to my Dad’s. Got to see my grandparents, Dan & his family of 3, Dennis & his girlfriend, so 12 of us. He had our traditional ham, Irene had had turkey so it was a nice treat to get both. Oh, and they also do a prime rib which was super tasty! Again, lots of food, and none of us was really hungry yet but what are ya going to do! We left there again around 4 so that we could get the boys down to Anderson to meet the X. Just figured that was easier than Kokomo and a nice change of scenery. And it was wonderful to not have to do it by myself for once! We get the boys transferred over, and then decide to go to Charley Creek for some drinks and we thought The Michaels were playing. We get there & it’s the Dixie MudBugs but that’s OK too. We can’t really decide what to eat. We’re both sipping some new wines we found over at the wine shop. We end up getting some pita bread with tseseke sauce and it is yummy! We drink too much, and he decides to stay at my house that night. Wow, that was different, we’ve not done that, ever. I have to admit it was really weird. I’m more comfortable staying at his house than I was with him staying at mine. I don’t know, I think just because we’ve never done it before. He’s been here a lot, usually though just in the evenings. I think because here all my stuff calls my name & I see how cluttered & messy my house is compared to his & it’s just embarrassing.
We ended up hanging up more plastic wrap on the windows, got my drapery rods & drapes hung upstairs & down in the living room. Lots of work done, and house at least feels less chilly, which is good, just waiting to see the bill. I am happy to report we have already set up plans to go to each other’s family for Christmas. And have made plans for a trip up north in January. We are very reserved in using the L word. It’s come out a few times. But it drives me crazy cause I want to say it all the time, but I don’t know how he’ll react and I certainly don’t want to drive him away with being too whatever.
Friday he came over for movie night with the boys, and we had fun talking. And yes, more. I always enjoy the more part… it was really late when he left, but I don’t care, he’s worth every lost wink. Saturday AM he went over with us to Peru for the Y’s benefit breakfast, and that was really fun. Dad took the boys home so they could help clear off the trees that had to be cut down that got tangled in the power lines. Apparently they ended up in the road & the company didn’t move them. He stayed and talked until my hair appointment, then went home to sleep a bit. I went to Squirrel Creek to get some odds & ends after, and then Kroger before picking up the boys. Then it was back home to get Christmas decorations out of the shed & finish up the pot roast for supper. He came over then again to have supper with us and watch the other movie for the boys. After, we sat on the couch talking & kissing. We had a candle lit and it was just so relaxing, sharing wine. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and just whispered in his ear that I loved him. He just hugged me tight, and said “oh sweetheart, I love you too” and that made me feel all warm & gushy inside. I wanna do that all the time!
Why is he so different, why does everything just feel so not the same with him? I don’t feel desperate to be with him, as I have with others in the past, like oh my gosh he’ll forget about me or not want to be with me, if I’m not there right now kind of thing, I’ve never felt that with him. I do yearn to be with him, do things with him, share experiences with him though. I don’t feel like I have to hide anything from him, I know he loves me, the real me. That’s who he gets every single time we are together. Not a false me that so many people got before him. I just feel free, mostly. Content, peaceful. Like I know I’m finally with the person I’m supposed to be with. I just wonder, does he feel that way too? At this point, I don’t think we’re going to break up, but I don’t know that he’ll ever be in a place where he would want it to move to the next level either. He’s said it would take something pretty major to make him change his living arrangements at this point (I’m paraphrasing, but we were basically talking about X-es and living with other people and how he’s been single for so long & what he likes about it, etc.) so I don’t think I’m ever going to be that. And I really am not interested in just living with someone. I want commitment, promise, stability, certainty. I want knowing you love me, that no one else even comes close, and that you’d never in a million years want to do anything to ever lose that. Ever. I want to know I’m going to be with the same person for the rest of my life because I want to & because they want to. That I’m going to develop a history, a story, a life, with someone and not just a chapter. I want someone who wants those things too.
OK, so here are the pix, I’ve made you wait long enough….
My faves are:
Circle City Mall has an Auntie Anne’s so we stopped for a snack after their visit to Riley. My favorite place to eat!
Licking cinnamon sugar off of his face….
Porch art. Has something to do with Bowser from Mario Bros.
Playing the game they had made up….
Casssie’s birthday, my sweet girlfriend (in the middle) with 2 of her friends.
Yea, I found him sleeping under his bed.
Eye doctor, goofy glasses, cute 007!
This is when he found out he needed glasses!
Birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, what could be better?
It’s a small one today, but here it is…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
How you go sledding in farm territory!
My girlfriend & I at the movies
Sketch I did for the bulletin board at church
OK, so lots of favorites this time, so this post might be a bit long… as always you can go here to see the full stream http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ or if you just don’t want to read it here…
Homemade pizza dough…. YUMMY!
Opening presents, always love that enthusiasm!!!
Always a blessing to have a strong brother…
And of course, it should be quid pro quo…
All the family together…. I think I was smiling on the inside….
More gift opening….
My favorite Fast Food place….
Yummy breakfast goodness!
Had to have a sleep test done, he was not pleased!
My desk at work, yup, 4 monitors, I get to look at a lot of stuff all at the same time!
My favorite sushi bar… OK, there are not many choices, but they wrap a mean maki roll here...
Please don’t forget your local food pantries…they may not be assisted by the government and they need your help now more than ever.
My other love, singing… I miss Melissa!
Click here for the full upload, it was not a big one, as we had our holiday in January that year…. http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Yummy Chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips… I know, I’m weird. They were also made from whole wheat flour. YUMMY!
Ice cream is yummy no matter when!
Sometimes we have brotherly love…..
OK, I’ve been promising to get this out for a long time. Not sure if I’m ready or not, but I have a few minutes to try and purge. This song so much wraps up what I’ve been feeling, thinking & experiencing for the past 5 years. Wow, it is hard to believe that in January that is what it will be. But yet I know it’s been longer than that too. I was looking through some of my older pictures looking for something to scrap & all of these thoughts & emotions came bubbling to the surface, it was just completely overwhelming I was so so taken by surprise. I had no idea. Probably just because I was living it without paying attention.
So the reason why it’s been a hard few weeks is because the X got remarried. I know it sounds weird, it shouldn’t bother me. I don’t want to be married to him, I don’t want to have a life with him. He is not the person I thought I married. I’m sure he feels the same about me. But he is the father of my children & I never wanted my family split apart. I didn’t want to be divorced – again. I didn’t want another failed relationship. At what point do my relationships stop failing & start working? At what point in life do I get a bit of what I want? Why must I always give in to what the other wants? And that is not completely true. I have left boyfriends because they weren’t right for me. But it is just so frustrating to see everyone else with what I want & not have it. And it is frustrating to want something so badly. Why can’t I just stop & give up on it?
I wish him the best of luck. I hope he’s found a relationship he can actually stick with & not give up on. I hope he has learned from it. And I hope he has shared it with her. Because she is a sweet woman & deserves to know & know that she has made that decision with “all” of the information. I hope he is able to be for her what he was not able to be for me. I hope that he is able to model for our sons what a healthy, happy relationship looks like.
And I know it wasn’t all his fault, and it wasn’t all mine either. I know there was a huge side of me & my life I couldn’t share with him. Was terrified to share with him. Was afraid he wouldn’t love me or find me acceptable if he knew. Those are demons I’m having to face as I’m trying to do it “right” this time around. I know I struggled with an identity after leaving Thomson & becoming a full-time mom & wife. There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back. But I can’t so I’m just trying to do them going forward.
It is hard to admit your failures. And that was what it represented for me. And yes, EE and I have talked about it a bit. It is weird to do a bit. I certainly don’t want to give him the wrong impression, but I don’t want to hide anything & I did feel better after. He is a good sweet man, and I am so very blessed by his presence in my life. I can’t imagine all the twists & turns in fate that had to occur for us to both be at Charley Creek that night, but I am so thankful they did.
Which leads me to this song…
We left Friday to go up north – 5+ hours from home. With 2 crazy monkeys. To be with EE for the weekend & meet some of his other friends. I was a nervous wreck! Would the boys behave? Would I fit in? Would it be too overwhelming? What if his kids didn’t like my kids? He had gone up the day before & was so sweet “I know you’re getting in late, don’t worry, I’ll have everything all ready for you when you get here, you won’t have to worry about a thing”. That even included a chilled glass of my favorite wine, that was a total surprise and about the most touching thing ever. Is this what normal is like? Is this real? Does it ever go away? I just am so amazed every time he does something like that. We met Ken & Theresa & 1 of their boys, who had brought along 2 of his friends. Then on Saturday Brett & Pam showed up with their boy & girl. We got up & dinked around for breakfast & got ready to go to the river. Theresa just was wonderful in that she took care of breakfast & everything. He always asks me if it is hard to sit by & watch someone else do all the work “YES!”. But I am learning to view it as a gift given to me by them. And no one likes a poor gift receiver.
010 was so super excited to go on the canoe trip. We had to have lots of talks about the fact there is a lot of waiting, and that it is just for fun & relax & stuff. It was hard. 007 wasn’t so sure, and of course he comes down with some weird stomach bug that was not much fun. It involved a lot of rinsing in the river. We finally get on our way. I’ve never piloted (is that the right word? Steered, driven???) a canoe before and this is a bit of a challenging one. I’m getting frustrated, Ben is getting frustrated. He wants to be perfect right out of the gate, he doesn’t want to have learning time. It wasn’t pretty for a bit. However, we finally figure out where everyone can stop for the first snack break (I so need a beer by now, and haha he’s got one ready for me!) I go off to answer nature’s call & come back to Ben telling me that 007 & EE got into it because 007 was angry we had stopped, he didn’t want to, so he started to splash EE, who kept telling him to stop & would splash a bit back. 007 got upset because “this is my only dry shirt!” but wouldn’t stop. Which is how he is. Keeps pushing & pushing & pushing. So finally EE got tired of it & gave him a tap on the chest. 007 lost his footing & went all the way in the river. He helped pick him up & 007 came up swinging like Chuck Norris, just completely mad.
So 007 ended up in my canoe, and 010 in with EE. Which worked out really well. As 010 listened to EE and learned a few things about how to handle a canoe. And 007 & I got to have a talk about respecting others, and how we treat others, even when we are angry. I was not pleased with him. We had already gone round & round over a pair of water shoes that AM & he almost didn’t go. There are times when I know pushing him is not the right answer, but sometimes it just has to be. We eventually made it to the sand hill, which they climbed 3 times! And everyone was back to being their happy selves. (Yes EE & 007 made up). I was getting pretty tired though as I was probably doing a lot more paddling than steering and was excited that we were almost done actually. And I was starting to think I was getting to think I was getting the hang of it. That was when I got tangled up in a pile of logs with the current rushing right at us & we dumped the canoe. Now, EE being who he is, that cooler in the middle never budged! But 007 is hanging on for dear life (yes, they had life jackets on) and is extremely terrified & I’m trying to get him. I do manage to get ahold of him & he just clings desperately to me. I have to admit I was scared after I got a hold of him. I got us both calmed down and of course the boat is gone. There is no shoreline to walk along & you can’t walk in the river. I’m feeling abandoned & lost & scared. I don’t really know what to do. I put him down on a little bit of dirt (and of course he is extremely cold at this point, the water is only 58. EE had just put HIS long sleeved shirt on him at the sand hill because he was wet & cold. Now that really was the last dry shirt). Some college guys float by, ask if I need help, get the canoe emptied out of water & we try to figure out how to get it back to me. They ended up walking it back along the shore & I have to climb over the stupid pile of logs to help snag it. I can’t feel anything below my waist. 007 doesn’t really want to get back in the boat but I explain it is the only way off the river. A kayaker had gone by & I sent word up river with him, just in case.
So we get in, at this point I am just completely done, my nerves are shot, I’m freezing cold & I look down at my legs & they are just completely battered & scraped. I thank them all very much & we get going. We make it around about 3 more bends, and there is EE & 010 waiting on us. Of course he had figured out already something had happened. He gets us pulled over on the little bit of shore & we just enjoy being on land. I am not too cold but 007 is shivering. I help him get out of his jacket & EE helps him off with his wet shirt & gives him the shirt off of his back. That helped & he warmed up a bit. He looks at me & says “Mom, I don’t be mad but I don’t want to ride with you, I want to ride with Chuck!”. “That’s OK buddy, I understand”. And of course EE says “Cool”. So we swap kids again. And now 010 is amazing! He helps! He knows what to do, he is a completely different kid! And I needed that. I was tired & beat. We made it. We had fun. There were other moments too, of hitting & kicking between siblings, but that is not the part I want to remember.
We get back to camp, all of us. And I just stand in the shower with the water hot. And then I realize all my warm clothes are in the dry bag. Which is still with EE dropping off all the paddles & stuff at Shomler’s. So I rustle around in his stuff & find a sweatsuit. Too big but it will work. D & S are there already so I catch up a bit with them. And get the boys squared away. We end up going to The Mushroom in Mesick for pizza. Except Ken & Brett have the burritos. It’s like 5 pounds of stuff. And it is a good time. We go back, the boys feel asleep & the adults stay up & drink Jeremiah Weed, Jack and Jack & Coke. And smoke cigars. And a strange observation comes over me. There are just the 6 of us parents together. D&S are over with the kids. And it seems odd to me because they are adults. And it felt weird for me to be included but not them. I’m the outsider, but all of a sudden, I’m being treated like an insider. And a warm glow just nestles down into my belly. And we are laughing & goofing off. I drew tattoos on 010 & Pam’s arms. I drew a baby on Ken’s belly cause he was about 8 months along. And I realize I am having an amazing, fun time.
Everyone leaves on Sunday, so now it is just the 4 of us. And we just hang out. I make chili for supper, we have s’mores in the middle of the afternoon. We tidy up & just have some low key fun. That night, EE & I sit out by the fire and talk. About what makes me happy, and him. And he says I’m the single best thing that has happened to him in a long time. We talk about his cabin plans and what he wants to do. And I’m so torn because I want to think I’ll be a part of it, that he thinks I’ll be a part of it. But knowing it probably won’t include me. But I want it to so bad. And then I wonder about why I worry about that so much. Why can’t I just enjoy the moment of where I am? I don’t know, other than I never really have.
Monday we pack up (the boys helped & did such a great job!) and we go to Gartlett’s Corner again for breakfast. It was so super-yummy. And then we are following him back. He’s in lead, I’m #2. And as we are driving a long & changing lanes & I’m struggling with being sad & depressed because I think this is never going to last no matter how much I want it to, I am struck with how much fun it is to drive like this. He signals wanting to go over, I go over so that he’s got room & then he comes over & then in reverse to go back. And I wonder if this is how it feels for him when he’s flying formation. That our cars are really operating more as 1 unit instead of 2 separate machines. It is thrilling and exciting & it brings a smile to my face. It just feels good all the way down to the core. And then I also realize we’ve been operating as a team all weekend long. The X and I never were very good at that. He never wanted me to help with anything. He’d rather just struggle through it on his own. It always made me feel useless. And it about makes me cry. Because EE never makes me feel that way. We actually work together on stuff.
OK, wow that ended up being longer than what I thought, but apparently I had a lot I needed to get out.
010 and me…. This is at the first rest stop.
One of them is not believing the other’s story. I think this was before Chuck Norris came out to play…
You can see he did not really get very wet. But he was still mad. But he needs to learn the world does not always revolve around him. He is allowed to state his opinion but that does not mean that I (or anyone else) has to follow it. This is before we dumped. And you can see how the cooler is strapped in there. Makes for keeping the river cleaner. You would not believe the debris sometimes!
This is the sandhill, hard to tell how big it is, but that is the boys way up there. Takes a good 5+ minutes to climb. No I did not.
Here’s a fun little Christmas layout. I was playing around with my Marvy 3” circle punch – fun! I think this might have been a re-do. I know you are not supposed to do that. But I do….
Cardstock is Bazzill, Paper is KI Memories, Sticker is Doodlebug.
I know I promised some September stuff, and I know there’s some things that I need to write down & talk about, but I couldn’t believe that I forgot this! The weekend before the Moto GP we went on a ride over to www.whytehorsewinery.com which I think I mentioned. We played hookie from church, T, J & I and EE & I were at their house about 10:30. Of course it rained on the way over there & was chilly. We were concerned but decided to forge ahead. It did sprinkle a bit but finally did clear up. Just outside of Logansport, we saw a bunch of older cars sitting out, so we pulled over & decided to check it out. Ended up being a Hudson club get together, but he had lots of other cars, lots of Corvairs!, to look at too. He owned easily 25, the guy who was hosting. We motored on over to Monticello & found the place. Did a wine tasting & chose some to take outside on the veranda to drink, with a plate of cheese. It was just so good to hang out with friends all together. Something that the X and I rarely did. He would usually go off with the guy of the couple & then the wife & I would talk on the rare occasions that we did something. Never really 4 people sitting & talking. But that’s what we did. And it was like music to my soul; it felt so good. Normal just doesn’t feel very normal. The X & I rarely sat & just talked with each other, period. His face was always glued to a laptop screen of some sort. We probably talked better on the phone when he was traveling. That is about all EE and I do. Is sit and talk. And it is so weird. And I’m scared we’ll run out of things to talk about.
I just so want someone to share my life with, to make stories with. I think maybe I have that person…but now I’m fearful he’ll be taken away. Now that I’ve drank from the fountain, I don’t want to leave.
See, I told you I have a thing for his head… Oh my goodness the feeling of being back there, of the utter freedom that I feel, it is intoxicating! Taking full, deep breaths that purge the stress from you lungs, the scents that infiltrate your nose can make you giddy! When the corn is in tassel it smells so sweet, so heavenly. Going through the woods or under trees the temperature changes & so does the quality of the air. It turns earthy, fresher, alive. And of course there is the feeling of him sitting between my legs that is very sensual in a non-purposeful way that I think makes it an even bigger turn-on, because it is not intentional.
He is an amazing man, he is blue jeans & tuxes all wrapped up in the same package. He is easy-going, adaptable, flexible, non-flappable and I find that incredible. He is kind & gentle, strong & tough. He is a wonderful dad & his kids show it. He has a good heart, he is caring & attentive & sensitive. As for Wabash & the surrounding areas, sorry but I think he’s the last one still single. But he’s not available so don’t even try! He has made my life better.
Here is T&J. She is one sexy, beautiful mama that is so full of life, she inspires me. She can be so over the top, outrageous and crazy & I love her for it, even when she embarrasses me (in fun) and stretches me to think (waaaayyyy) outside my box. He is just an all-around good guy, his boys are lucky to have him for a dad & role model & more men should be like him.
And here is the two of us just being goofy. No, we didn’t wreck, yes it used to make me nervous when he did that, but he’s been riding for longer than I’ve been alive, so if I can’t trust him, who can I?
Let’s just say that first off, this was an amazing trip for me. I can’t say that “I’ve always wanted to go” or anything, but it sounded like so much fun, I couldn’t resist. I would so go back. These guys just do amazing things with those machines. And honestly, the racing part is over before you know it. All the events just makes it so much fun. I haven’t gone through all the pictures yet, I started with almost 800, I now have just over 200. This one is from the Moto2 race, it is indescribable to watch them and how they almost start operating as a unit instead of individuals. I was completely fascinated with the forms and lines they would make. And of course the colors were just beautiful, but I’m not sure they are adequately represented in my shots. After I got there on Saturday, we did go out to eat & managed to get 3 parking ticket warnings. We then also cruised up & down the block around the circle (actually they probably had 5 blocks blocked off going south) and had a few drinks before going back to the hotel as we wanted to get a somewhat early start off to the track for Sunday.
This is one of the packs from the Moto2 crew
And this is Saturday night cruising around. We’re on the Katana and yes I have a thing for taking pictures of the back of his head! Well, maybe that’s just because that’s what I see from the back of the bike. Or maybe it’s because I totally dig him. Or both..
It felt like a million bikes. It was so cool to walk around & look at them all & totally cool to ride around trying to find a place to park. A few good stories.
Here is the full upload… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Here are my favorites:
Staying home from school sick & getting to play with my 005, so cool. And what a great shot of him!
Make a wish! I was told later I cheated on the cake decoration & I was not allowed to do that anymore.
He went through a phase of leaving me notes on the magnadoodle…
Yummy fun hot chocolate & checkers at Modoc’s
It’s a good place to hang out…
My daddy helping me change the oil….
