Days go by...

So, it is hard to believe that so much time goes by between my writings.  I guess this is just the way of life.  Although I am starting to develop a loose rhythm and that feels satisfying.  That taking small, infrequent bites is better than no bites at all.  Last time I went to BTL I got called back home rather unexpectedly due to water issues in the house.  This past weekend I went up to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and got to stay the entire weekend, that was a treat!  Monday he sent me roses at work, and silly me did not take a picture!  I’m pretty disappointed in that!  They were absolutely gorgeous!  The rest of the week was fairly uneventful, minor hiccups at work and whatnot.  I had also been able to switch the heat back over to the heat pump for almost 2 weeks, and that is an amazing thing!  I am very grateful for the emergency heat system for when we need it, but not always thrilled at the $400/month electric bill it can generate.  But due to chilly temps and wind chills, we are back on the toaster, but hopefully this time for only a couple more days.  Not the 4 weeks it was last time.
So Friday I got up to the apartment and did my usual thing, got settled in.  He had a box of chocolates & the sweetest card ever waiting for me on the coffee table.  I DID take a picture of that.  Underneath the candy heart was another heart drawn out of Dove chocolate pieces!  Naturally I had to sample a few.  They are so yummy!  I read LOTR until I fell asleep (slowly chipping away at that book too – see above comment about small is better than none!) and then of course he woke me up when he got home.  It is always so amazingly good to see him & feel him & know he’s there. And once he gets there it never feels like it has been so much time after all.
Saturday we literally just laid around in our PJs most of the day, cooked some breakfast and just relaxed.  It was cold outside & snowy.  We went to dinner at Carrabba’s Italian Grill & had some of the yummiest steaks ever!  They were so tender & juicy!  Of course I could not finish mine, but it has warmed up nicely for 2 lunches now!  Wow, that is totally cool & helps the price tag feel better.  The salad was good, I really liked the creamy parmesan dressing.  We ended it with tiramisu and coffee.  I gave him his gift of cigars & that was fun.  Last year he surprised me with a gift, and I didn’t have one for him, I was not going to let that happen again!  After dinner, we headed over to the casino to play some slots for a few minutes.  Couldn’t find any $5 blackjack tables that were open.  We blew some money on that, and then just decided to go into the bar to have a couple drinks & smoke our cigars.  It was a good time!
Sunday was more lounging around, there was a Planet of the Apes marathon on for its 45^th anniversary.  Wow, I feel old!  I remember those as a kid.  So we really just cuddled on the couch & drank coffee & made cookies.  We ate dinner at the Stagecoach.  They have the best fries & their burgers are good too. 
After that, it was time to head home & get back to reality…  The boys were with their dad until Monday night due to President’s Day, so it was weird to come home & not have them here, but they were enjoying some extra time with him & that is good.  I surely did miss them though & am happy to have them back!

LO Share - Baby Boy

This is another one that used a divided page protector.  The paper is still basic Grey, and then lots of accents from Bazzil Basics, Making Memories Chatterbox & Prima.  My favorite is the one with my mom.  These were just so incredibly simple to put together.

August 2011 Flickr Upload

C on Gadget’s Ducati, it is one fast bike!

What I see every ride… J

Ah, finally something that is different! LOL D designed the family crest.  Gotta say, I totally dig the wings!

Waiting for the main event to start…It was such a fun day!

D on his new BMW.  Very nice bike too.

Couldn’t resist this, what a great plate!

Hanging out drinking, taking pictures, and watching fast bikes, what could be better?
If you look really closely you can see all 3 of us.  D is on the right, the orange on the left is Gadget, and then right behind him is a little bit of yellow peeking out which is C.  We were on C’s bike, since he had rear footpegs.  It was such a fun trip, even with the 3 parking tickets we got.  It is just amazing the number of bikes that are there, and riding around with all of them & being a part of that is just phenomenal.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Tra-tra-train...

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…. OK, that is probably a  really bad mix of songs, but sometimes that’s just how I roll.  I’m just the little engine that could, I keep chug-chugging away.  Another week of work completed, some of the same frustrations still out there for the team.  Boys spent Friday with Grampa so I had some quiet time for scrapping & reading.  I’m trying to read LOTR.  I tried once before in junior high & failed.  I’ve made it into The Two Towers, so this is quite a feat as I don’t get a lot of reading time.  It was another weekend when I didn’t get to see Gadget.  That makes my heart sad, but I did at least get to talk to him.  And that makes my heart happy.  My gramma had a stroke earlier in the week, so we went down to Richmond’s Reid Memorial to visit her.  She is doing well, outside of having issues with balance.  The stroke is in her cerebellum.  They are expecting her to do fine, but she does have lots of therapy.  This week, I’m on the PM (preventative maintenance) shift, so I’ll be working 0400-1300.  Sorta looking forward to the afternoons… Going to bed at 2000 is a bit of a challenge….and speaking of, I gotta get to work… see ya all, I guess this was just a quick checkin…

August 2011 Flickr Upload

As always, you can see the full stream here… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
And for my favorites….
Camp Day at Church… they both had to talk about their experiences there.  So did I.  It was hard for me to remember back that far!

New Pedi… don’t you love the 2 colors?  Perfect for when you can’t decide!

Fall open house… 007 starting 4^th Grade!

Ducati Toes!

Whyte Horse Winery in Monticello, IN.  Wonderful place, beautiful people, yummy wines!

It is in an old farmhouse

I always see him from the back, but even then, he’s so sexy! I love how you can also see just a peek of me in the mirror.

And since T&J were with us, it was so wonderful to get some shots of us TOGETHER!

See the full gallery on Posterous

What I wouldn't Give

I love this song… not sure it entirely fits this post, but my gosh this is my life and I don’t know how many times I’ve been silently screaming wondering if anyone heard what I was trying to say…

First off, I should say, this post will be very long, and spiritual and exposing, so if you’re not OK with that, then you probably should just stop reading right now.  But if you are OK with that, then I appreciate your grace, love & understanding as I travel this journey.

Last Monday was my first counseling session for a month.  From before Christmas to after New Year’s. I know that sounds like a small deal, but for someone who has been going religiously every week for over a year, and then every other week for over another year, this is huge.  I have come to look forward to my time with Cheryl as she tries to help me sort out my tangled mess of a life.  So anyway, it was good, and weird to be back.  Sometimes when I have been away from someplace for a while, I feel those old walls coming back.  Separating, not being as open, holding back; some could label it as just being private, but there is an uncomfortableness to it all.  And I was feeling that on Monday.  A bit exposed & vulnerable and definitely not liking it.  We discussed the holidays & what all had (and had not) transpired and such.  And I was feeling just generally down & stuck & without hope.  Part of this, I am sure is the holiday let-down.  Part of it I know is winter.  And part of it, I know is just Me.  Just that ever-lingering voice that says “you are never going to be what you want to be, you are never going to have what you want to have, it is never going to happen ever”.  And it plays over & over in my head like a really bad broken record.  And I am just generally fed up with it.  I want to be what I want to be, I want to have what I want to have, and I want IT to happen.  Is that so wrong, is that so presumptuous of me, does that make me an awful, ungrateful person?  Am I not allowed to have hopes & dreams & desires and…. And this is the big part… and then to actually HAVE some of them happen?  Or do I just get to have hopes & dreams & desires and never see them realized?

And I know a lot of this makes me sound like a sniveling, ungrateful child.  I know that.  I know I am blessed beyond belief.  I have 2 absolutely wonderful, amazing boys.  They try so hard to be good & helpful & sweet & loving.  I have a loving father who would do anything for me, and 2 brothers & a sister & nephew who are the same.  And a wildly huge extended family that I could call at any point.  I have a house to live in that is a good, old house.  I can pay my bills every week, with extra left over to save or to have fun with.  We never go without food.  I have a nice car to transport me anywhere I want to go, easily & in comfort, I never lack for gas money.  I am talented and have many hobbies that challenge me.  I have a great job where I am useful & work with some amazing people.  I am loved by the most amazing man on the face of this planet.  And I have faith in an awesome God.  I KNOW all these things.  I BELIEVE all these things. And yet… and yet I lack one thing.

And it seems trivial and silly and stupid to even mention it.  I don’t like to complain.  I’m not complaining, nor do I mean to be ungrateful.  It really should be enough.  But I want one thing more.  One thing that I want more than anything.  One thing that I am so fearful I will never get. One thing that I’m not sure he or He can or will give me.  Maybe it’s both of them, maybe it is only one of them.  How long do I wait, why do I care, things are good now.  They are good now.  So why do I care?

So we talked a lot about giving over to God.  What have I given to God. No, not just tithing, I do OK with that.  But what parts of my life do I trust God to take care of.  Wow, probably none of them.  I’m not big on trust.  Trust is hard.  Not been able to trust people, mostly.  Just a few. So for my “homework” I am supposed to list off all the areas of my life.  Specifically areas that I don’t think I’ve truly turned over to God & that I am somehow still trying to control; so basically all of them…

·        Daughterhood – My relationship with my dad.  Especially post-Mom’s passing.  It has been a struggle & I just don’t know how to relate to him anymore.  I don’t want to be her substitute.  I know I am not, but sometimes it feels like I am.

·        Sisterhood – My relationships with my brothers & sister-in-law, do I do a good job supporting them?

·        Victim - especially in terms of the abuse I suffered as a child, and now being an adult & how it impacts every aspect of my life.

·        Motherhood – How good of a job I am at raising my boys to be caring, compassionate, serving, spirit-led adults.  Who are also able to take care of themselves & not be dependent on someone else for their existence & validation.

·        Love life – My relationship to Gadget, which is phenomenal.  It is the best relationship I have had – ever! But specifically in dealing with my “wants” and impatience.

·        Spiritual life – My relationship with the big guy upstairs, what is lacking & needing improvement.

·        Work life – Am I demonstrating God’s love & serving others properly, while at the same time not being taken advantage of (this is probably a good point for all aspects of my life)

·        BenzillaScrapping – Will it work? Will I achieve what I want with it (being a full-time artist & being able to feed my family)

·        Hobbies & Free time – Do I get the proper balance between work & life?

·        Bills – Will I have the financial means to not worry about if I can pay them or not? Am I a good steward?

·        Home ownership – Will I have the knowledge, or the ability to gain the proper knowledge to be a good steward?

·        Friends – Do a devote enough time to them? Do they know how important/critical they are to me?

·        Church Family – Do I give them enough of my time/resources?

·        Community – Am I giving back?

·        Singing – I just love singing, I want to do it more, I want to be good at it.

·        Are there other areas?

This Sunday Pater Kay delivered the message based on “Who do you think you are?” and man did this really hit home.  I mean, I know the party line “you are a wonderfully made, a loved creature of God”.  Yea.  Right.  So why did so many bad things happen to me when I was younger?  Why do so many discouraging things happen to me now?  “I have good plans for you, never to harm”… uhh, yea, sure.  These are very tough statements for me to believe in & to have faith in.  For most of my life, I have just come to the understanding that this is true for everyone EXCEPT me.  Because life has taught me elsewise.  Life has taught me “you shouldn’t ever complain; that isn’t how you feel; you shouldn’t speak up, you have no right to; I couldn’t resist; you are limiting me; who do you think you are?; what gives you the right?; sit down & shut up; you are worthless; you don’t matter to anyone; no one is ever going to love you like that; you aren’t worth defending & protecting; you are a silly little girl with silly little feelings; I can do with you/to you what I want, no one is going to stop me; you aren’t worth it; when I’m done with you I’ll just move on; you are boring; you will never achieve your dreams; you aren’t smart enough; you are ugly; you are fat; you are here only for my amusement & pleasure” and the voices go on.  I know the first part of this paragraph is supposed to negate them.  That I am a child of God, I am His child, I am beautifully & wonderfully made, that He has only good plans for me, that He will care for me more than the flowers of the field and the birds of the air… and yet I let the other voices drown that out & “be right”.  I not only listen to them, but I believe them.  In fact, I know them so well, they are so familiar they are almost comforting.  They are sultry and sly and sneaky & seductive.  They are hard to resist.  I know I need to change the playlist, but I am not sure how.  Which is why I am in therapy to begin with.

Because come the end of the day, we ARE who we THINK we are.  Perception IS reality.  So I know I NEED to change my thinking.  I need to BELIEVE that I am wonderfully & fearfully made.  I need to have FAITH that he has great plans for me.  So every day, it is a new commitment to try and put Him in charge of these areas of my life.  To realize He is the one that sits on the throne, not me.  That I can try and control stuff, but obviously I am not so good at it.  My track record stinks.  I would not hire me for life management given my current resume.  But if He can love the prostitute and the tax collector and turn their life around; if He can heal the leper & cast out the demons, surely he can do that for me, someone who is a mix of all of that?  I am a lost sheep looking for a shepherd.  But, sheep generally do not find their shepherd, it is the shepherd who finds and saves them, am I willing to let go & allow myself to be saved?  It is a big leap of faith, an enormous amount of trust.  It is very scary for me.  Experience tells me I will be disappointed & fall flat on my face & end up hurt – again.  Scripture says I will be rewarded.

Who do I believe? Who should I believe?

July 2011 Flickr Upload

July was also a very busy picture month… you can see the whole feed here…..  http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
…and here are some of my favorites…

016 helped us clean out the shed… I think it looks much better, but of course it could stand to be done again!

011 at his 4^th year at Camp Mack, I think.  Wow, that’s a lot!  He loves it & really enjoys the time that he gets to be just him.

And he got to enjoy some yummy ice cream in Milford!

The demo derby is starting to become one of our “things”

I love me a good Japanese Steak house.  It was sooo yummy!

Canoeing with the kids, always a fun time!

Good place to rent canoes on the Pine River in Michigan

I totally dug this! Someone had made it on one of the little jutting out spots along the river…

Me goofing off trying to show how my water shoes match my shirt.  Apparently I’m not as flexible as I used to be….

D goofing off using his new GoPro

D trying to help me shoot left-handed, we found out the equipment was really made for a right-hander…

My superstar!  Love that 007!

And his first year at Camp, now he totally loves it too!