OK, so I was reading around on the net the other day, and came across this from Single Dad Laughing:
16 Ways I Blew My Marriage
and it really made me think, you know, I wasn't completely innocent in my divorce either. So it got me thinking about the things that I did wrong too. So here is my go at it.
1. Trying to do everything
I know, this one sounds like "really??" but yea. He traveled a lot, so I would try and get everything done while he was gone, so when he came home he could just relax & enjoy his "space". Men need to feel needed. Me doing everything didn't do that. He needed to have duties too. Taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, cleaning the garage, fixing the cars, etc. What I ended up with was another "kid" that i had to take care of. Because I didn't insist that he do it & because I didn't realize why it was important.
2. Thinking he can read my mind
I'd feel sorry for anyone who can do that, wow what a scary place there. No one can do that and it is so wrong to expect that. You need to talk (not demand, whine or argue, but TALK, discuss!) your thoughts and feelings. Share verbally your hopes, dreams, fears & wishes. We don't do this very much. No wonder men think we are a mystery.
3. Not spending enough "just us" time
Their our kids, right? We're responsible for them. We shouldn't ask someone else to take care of them. So WRONG! You need a date night. Once a month, once a week, once a quarter. Whatever your schedule will allow. You are still being responsible for them & taking care of them. And you are taking care of your relationship with your spouse, what could be better? But you need that time to reconnect as people. It is so easy to get caught up being a parent that you forget how to be a friend and a lover.
4. Trying to spend too much time with him
Sometimes he needed time just to himself. I needed to honor that. Sometimes he needed to spend time with me. I should have "demanded" more of that. And by demanded, I mean, stood up for myself. And he needed to be fully engaged with me, so women that means insist he put down/turn off the phone, TV, computer, whatever, and engage you. And you need to do the same.
5. Not standing up for myself
We won't go into the million reasons why I didn't/couldn't do this at the time. Most of the reasons are because I didn't value myself. I thought he was more important. You need to value yourself & the contribution you make to the relationship & his life. Not in some arrogant, stuck-up sort of way, but in a healthy way. Don't just tolerate bad behavior, stand up & speak your mind (See point #2).
6. Not taking ME time
I would (grudgingly) give him time to himself (week-long bike trips, etc.) and of course all of his time at work traveling was time by himself. And don't let them fool you. It is fun. I used to travel for my job & I loved it. But I was always the martyr. I would never insist that I get to do the same thing. So I would grow resentful that I was just a maid, cook, chauffeur, etc. But I would never tell him. Or stand up for myself (see #2 & #5). It is important to find a loving way of saying "I'm important too, and I need a break". Just because you become a mom does not mean you stop being a person with interests and activities you find enjoyable. It is more difficult, but you should never stop pursuing them. And if you expect him to do all the household chores while you are gone, you need to communicate that. It may not be done the way you want, but that is OK. Refer back to #1. And you can't expect him to know when you've reached that point. And men scheduling it for you only happens in the movies. Trust me. Because that was what I really wanted.
7. Not being affectionate
After awhile, our affection dwindled. And then it seemed like he only touched me when he wanted to have sex. So then I would never want to touch him because I didn't really want to have sex then, but I did want some sort of contact. Trouble was, I had 2 small babies wanting to touch me all the time & it was draining. It was a bit of a double-edged sword. He ended up feeling rejected, and so did I, it was not pretty. We both ended up feeling pretty resentful. See point #2 & 5. You need to find a safe way of still being cuddly, playful & affectionate in the moment. You owe it to your kids (they need to see happy mom & dad) and you owe it to each other. The kids are going to grow up & move a way in just a few short years, but your spouse is going to be around for much longer.
8. Not staying best friends
See the end of point #7. What are you going to do when the fledglings have left the nest? How are you going to relate? If you haven't nurtured your relationship, what are you left with? See point #3. And remember, people who love each other build the other person up. Stop tearing them down, if that is what you are doing. I've worked in a male-centric environment all my days, and I always hated listening to the men complain about their wives. Really? This was the woman that you pledged your life to! Start sounding like it. And women, the same goes for you! I don't care how stupid he was, that's the man you are so in love with, and the father of your children. Start acting like it!
That's all I can think of right now, but if I think of more, I'll write a part 2. Hope this has been helpful for you too!
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