Well, not really but the AC is on the fritz so all the blinds & curtains are shut, fans are spinning… EE looked at the “thumper” outside as he calls it & doesn’t think it is the fan actually, but the top fan is not spinning. So hope it can just be repair as I don’t want to drop $4G on a new one… Boys have been back, 016 has been over taking care of them. Always transition issues, but I think we are all getting better at dealing with them.
He helped me clean out the shed on Saturday, that was totally cool. Have a small pile of stuff to take to goodwill & small amount to go to the trash. It is much, much, much cleaner & somewhat more organized, so I’m very pleased. And grateful for the help, although it did bring to light that we don’t always work together well, but I just see that as a challenge of how can we improve.
The bike is paid off, yea!! I am so excited. I might be able to build the garage & room next year after all!! No, Big, I’m not anticipating a change in residency, I don’t care what the magic 8 ball says… speaking of, I have something that I just so need to get off my chest….
The last week of June we rode down Friday to Indy so that we could do Warren’s Ride together (the truck & trailer were still up north hauling trees). Saturday we got up, went to the ride & found me someone I could ride with. 010 was riding with Bob & 007 was riding with EE. I met my new friend Darryl with his Yamaha who was happy to give me a ride…
His had a sissy bar, but looked very similar…. Very nice ride. He even gave me a compliment that he hardly knew I was back there, he was too used to his wife’s “death grips” on his shoulders. I told him I could if it would make him feel more at home but he declined. We stayed and had lunch at the church with Bob, Trena & the boys, which was very weird. But OK, I guess. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t ride with EE, but I wanted 007 and there was no one there I trusted more with him. Both the boys loved it so I think it was worth it. I got a few good shots, a couple that have them in it too.
When we were getting ready to leave, SuzyQ gave me a hug goodbye, then quite pointedly asked me “do you love him? Is he good to you?” I didn’t know how to answer, he was standing right behind to the left of me… I tried to give her a look that said “yes, with all my heart, but he doesn’t know it” but I guess it didn’t work. Because she then looks back at him and asks “do you love her?” and he doesn’t say anything. My heart is sinking. He says “it more of a commitment issue”. Ouch. Well, I guess it’s time for me to figure out how to untangle myself from this. She storms off saying “you don’t even know, you don’t even know!” Oh, I know. I’m just chickenshit.
We ride home & I love it, even though at this point my ass is sore. His passenger saddle is not the best for long rides. This is one like his bike…
I love riding with him, he’ll reach back and put his hand on my leg, I can stick my hand up his sleeve, kiss the back of his neck, whatever…. I love that we both like to touch and feel close… We get back to his house & ride to have supper at the Mill. We were going to stay at my place that night so I could prep for Worship Leader the next morning, but we got back to his house & I told him I was either headed home or headed for bed there because I was too tired & I knew he was too. So we are getting ready to go to bed & I decided to leave my travel size mousse & hairspray there (I had forgotten to take any down, so we had ridden over the Meijer to get some. First time I had ever really ridden much without a helmet. I liked it, really. And night riding is so cool! Then we ate at the Duck Pub. Sitting at the bar he said “have I told you how much I love you lately?” and I never know if he’s being serious or just funny. “no, you haven’t” “well, I do.” “well, that’s good, I do too!” and I want it to really be real & serious but I’m too afraid to believe it could be)…. So anyway I tell him I’m leaving that stuff there, because it’s not much of a commitment. And he responds “I only hesitated because you hesitated” huh, wow, he knew exactly what was on my mind….”I only hesitated because you always hesitate!”. Then he responds with “is it OK to love you without knowing if it is forever? That is what I’ve been trying to figure out.”…wow I wasn’t expecting this, but maybe this is good, we’ve needed to have this talk because oh my gosh, this has been on my mind too. “..because I don’t really understand grey, I’m just sort of a black and white kind of guy”. Yea I know the feeling…but I’m not sure I know how to respond. I want it to be forever, but does he? “I guess if you are OK with that, then I guess it’s OK. I don’t think anyone knows if it is going to be forever or not. But I do know how I feel and I know that’s not going to change.” And we kiss & hug and sort of fall into the bed giggling, and he says “but I’ll have you know I bought you full sized shampoo & conditioner!” burn! And we’re both laughing, it feels good to talk about it. “yea, you did. You got me there. I do know how I feel about you, I love you, Chuck. It kills me not being able to say it but feeling it, but I know you’re not ready so I just have been holding back”. And then there is a big, pregnant pause and my heart is sinking. Great, I did it all over again! After FL I told myself I wasn’t going to do it again, but the subject was there, we were talking about it & it just seemed right. I didn’t expect him to say the words back, but the silence is killing me. And then he says “I love you too Michelle”. “don’t feel like you have to say it just because I said it…” but he never says anything because by then he is too busy kissing me & making me feel wonderful in places that need to feel like that more often.
Did he hesitate because he didn’t know what else to say so he just decided to say it or because maybe, it just really scares him like it does me? I have known a long time, I don’t like to admit how much I’ve fallen for him, but I have. It is scary, crazy stuff. It is bigger than what I have felt for anyone & for the first time in my life it feels real & legitimate. Neither one of us has said it again, but I want to every time I have to say goodbye and sometimes just because, but I’m scared to death, it is not his normal way. What if he didn’t really mean it, maybe if what I see when I look in his eyes isn’t really his love for me, like I think it is? What if I’m just being taken for a ride? I don’t think I would survive it. But yet I don’t think that could be true because he is the most genuine person I’ve ever met, how could he be duplicitous like that? I know I’m just afraid of being the fool again. I need to tell him again, maybe he needs to hear it just as much as I do?
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