I think it's been enough time

I have been taking some time away after my last post, at least from posting anything "serious".  As many of you have said to me, it is tough, affairs of the heart & I appreciate all your kind words & thoughts.

So I sit here after the boys have had a 2 hour delay & I struggle with what to say.  He doesn't feel that way for me. Never will. Reality, most times, is just as cold as the weather is outside today & just as bleak & barren.  I know, I am supposed to find the positive in all of this.  But it's too hard right now.  My heart is splayed open & had salt poured all over it.  Then a truck was driven all over it too, just for good measure.

I know he has his reasons.  I agree with them, intellectually.  But someone forgot to tell my heart how to turn off. I know I have my own junk to sort out, I know relationships aren't good for me right now.  But I'll admit it, I'm jonesin' for a fix.  And I'm fighting it with all I have.  But it is hard.

On the 24th, we are supposed to do a song for special music together at church.  I've asked another girl to help. One-because I don't think my voice is strong enough to carry the song by myself.  Two-I don't trust myself alone with him.  We are doing "If We are the Body" by Casting Crowns.

On Monday I start a new job.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about this right now.  I feel as though I'm giving up on my dream of ever making Benzilla what I want it to be.  I feel like I'm giving up being a good mom for my kids because it's gonna start being rush here, rush there, no time for anything anymore, because I am the only one.  I am sick and tired of being the only one. And I have this idealized standard of what I want my life to be like.

I feel like I'm giving up on my parents when they need me the most.  I feel like I'm giving up on you because I don't know how I'm going to squeeze everything into the same 24 hours everyone gets.  I feel like I'm a wimp because I know there are lots of single parents out there who I am sure are doing a much better job at managing everything than what I am.

I feel as though I'm never going to get the time to focus on all the stuff that keeps swirling around in my head, demanding to get out.  Product, sketches, projects, layouts, photography, reading.

I feel angry at Bob for making the choices that he did that left me with the choices that I made. I feel angry at myself for not getting more done while I was "off", for not getting BZ off the ground.

I feel angry at myself for telling the wrestler how I feel.  I feel galactically stupid on this one.  Very foolish.  I know, pastor Kay has told me how brave it is.  I don't feel brave, just dumb.

I feel as though I never get in life what I want.  That I never will.  That life sucks and maybe it would have been better to just slide off the road last night & hit a tree & just have it all over with already.

I feel like I need to stop complaining & just pull myself by my bootstraps & deal with it & get over it.

I feel like someone has put a vice on my chest & keeps turning it to clamp it down tighter & tighter.  This causes me to go into uber-control freak mode.

I'm tired of working in an industry where I have to work twice as hard to keep up with kids 1/2 my age who have twice as much time as me to stay certified and only make 1/2 the money they do.

I am tired of the rat race.

This is where I am.  It is not pretty & glamorous.  It is ugly & raw.  It is also honest & real.  It is pigpen with his perpetual cloud hanging over him.

This is why I have not written. 

This is why I chose to write today.

Maybe it will help.