How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go round? How can you mend this broken (wo)man? How can a loser ever win?
Been in a really poor headspace the past few days. It's been hard to stop the negative self-talk, but I'm trying. It started over the weekend at fall education conference. Felt like I was on top of the world, that I was pretty awesome, and maybe, just maybe, I was OK with trying to make a connection to someone. Well, needless to say, I was rightfully knocked back down all the pegs to where I truly belong. And no, no connection. Didn't even notice me. Doesn't even know I exist. They only have eyes for her. And who can blame them? She's young, beautiful, vivacious, outgoing, flirty, and deserves all of the attention. Me, I'll keep hanging out here, over in the corner never figuring out how to join in or fit in. I just wonder if there will ever be a moment in my life where I don't feel awkward and that I don't belong.
Before conference, I was able to go down to Btown to visit 023 for her birthday. That was completely awesome, and I loved it. My car got towed, that's a whole other story. I love both my kids to death, I miss them so much, and wish they could still live here with me. Somehow, I have to stop depending on them to be my social circle. 023 talks of moving to Cali, and wants me to go with, which is absolutely wonderful, and I so want to do it, but then I get paralyzed that 025 is going to think I'm rejecting her and don't want to be around her. Which is so not true, I miss her so much; sometimes I just feel this weird wedge between us and I don't know how to remove it. I know it is my fault and how I've reacted over the years to certain things she tried to trust me with. And I proved to be so untrustworthy. I hate myself for that. I'm supposed to be the mamma bear and protect both of them no matter what, and I have failed both of them so many times. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of that. Like what is wrong with me?!? He obviously wasn't worthy of the love and devotion that I gave him, that I should have been giving to my kiddos. I have no idea how to make it go away, how to grow past it, how to make it up to the two of them. But I will spend the rest of my life trying. There was only one thing I ever wanted in life since I was a kid, and that was to be a mom, to have babies, and I f*cked that up too. Which is what I do to everything.
I yearn for companionship, to have someone to share my life journey with. A best friend who will love me, love my family, support me in my endeavors. And I have no one. I don't even know how to let anyone in anymore. I have made so many awful decisions when it has come to relationships, and for all the wrong reasons, that I don't trust myself any more, and it just seems easier to not. But it's not really. I ache to have what Sue and Warren had, Tom and Jill, even my bro and sis in law. What is so wrong with me as a human that I can't/don't get to experience that. I can only believe that this is punishment.
At conference, my education partner was talking about how his husband had planned this whole toastmaster themed birthday get together for him, and included all of their friends in on it. I was so happy for him, it was just an incredible, loving gesture. I have never had anyone do anything like that for me. Growing up, my mom would make my favorite cake, which was and is lovely, and an amazing memory. But as an adult? Nothing. And I get it, I'm not special, so why should I think I would ever get something like that. Hell, no one came to visit me in the ICU. The world, and all the people in it, could not care less about me.
Kim has been super busy lately helping with her grandson and our friend in Indy. I don't even want to ask her for anything because I know she's stretched to the max. Jodi also is at the end of her rope with her dad, the houses, Tom, and just everything. Kelsey is still dealing with her dad's death, moving back up here, living with stepmom, 2 more stepsons moving in with them, getting everyone in school, etc. Like, it's a lot. For everyone. I don't even have Tom to talk to anymore. He died on Kelli's birthday weekend. The last time I talked to him was some stupid text when I was at conference, and I didn't go see him when I got back because I thought he was coming home. I loved that man so much. He was more than a friend, more than an older brother; I could talk to him about anything and there was never any judgement, and I never felt weird about it. I feel like I'm having to hold everyone else together and be strong for all of them and what they are going through and I don't have anyone to do that for me.
I remember a time when I was a kid and I used to be able to talk to my dad and he would just sit on the edge of my bed and listen and stroke my hair. But I don't feel like I can talk to him anymore either. I feel like he's lost the words to say because I'm pretty sure he stopped living the day my mom died.
I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Thanks for listening to the pity party. I'll buck up now.
