...actually, it is a bit chilly here tonight. upper 50s, unusual for indiana in august, but nothing lately has been usual. i just so love sitting out on my front porch, drink a beer and listen to the crickets. tonight, i'll need to wear a sweatshirt though!
i am moved into the house now, and really love it. i was able to make an office to hold my crafting obsession. the boys also have their computer in here, so we are able to spend some time together goofing off. lately they have been loving to play pharoah and i have to admit, i remember how much fun i used to have playing it.
ben started 3rd grade and zack 1st this year. how the heck did that happen? all of zack's 4 front teeth did fall out, in a row, and now he has 1 big person tooth growing in and the side teeth are now loose. they are just amazingly handsome and i am so proud to be their momma.
lately, i've been listening to my ipod a lot, getting re-connected to music - just about anything. but have been on a huge rob thomas/matchbook 20 & 3 doors down kick. still love michael buble and john mayer too. music is an incredible, powerful force in my life and i can't believe i let it go for so long.
life has been topsy-turvey lately, my mom's tumor has progressed, her pituitary gland no longer works thanks to all of the radiation, and she spent 2 weeks in methodist hospital down in indy in a coma becuase of it. mentally, she is not the same woman she even was at the start of the year. it is so sad and it is so hard not to be angry.
the boys & i took a vacation to st. louis in june and had a ton of fun. we rode to the top of the arch although i have to admit i was so chicken we almost didn't make it. wished so bad to have an adult to share all the experiences with.
i broke up with the recruiter i was dating. so many reasons. just not ready. don't know if i ever will be. other things nagging at my heart too, and i need to investigate them, try to understand why i am feeling them. started a really good healing bible study on sunday mornings.
started therapy to help me with the abuse of my childhood. and the frakked up life it led to. and the frakked up relationships that were a result of poor choices based on warped experiences. i refuse to let it run my life any longer. this point & no further.
lost my job in july. ouch. this economy sucks, yet we have no one to blame but ourselves. trying to get back into product design. have been playing alot with pse and loving the results. just so very powerful. you can check out some of my stuff on http://www.shophandmade.com/Store/Benzilla and www.BenzillaScrapping.etsy.com . I've also been trying to get more photos posted here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ and just spending more time with my camera. It is a whole other relationship and i have such a HUGE backlog of photos waiting to be proofed.
found out i'm a "elegant classic" style on http://www.homegoods.com/ pretty spot on, really. have had a lot of fun trying to decorate the house, at least before the layoff. now just trying to find a good job, or even a bad job.
had started a huge gardening project, so i've been busy trying to get all the mulch down. it is fun, but dirty, but really fun. i love getting dirty. i find it to be such an organic experience, connecting to things that grow and (trying to) make things pretty. right now everything is pretty small and stubby but i'm hoping they'll grow. next year i want to put in a vegetable garden. this year there was just too much going on.
while the boys were gone, got a lot of time in the saddle on my motorcycle. it is so peaceful and uplifting, and well, centering. i really love the feeling, almost as good as flying, which is what i always wanted to do. maybe someday i'll work up the nerve to take it out on a riding vacation just for myself. even changed my oil by myself. dirty, clean fun. we have a wonderful relationship, he and i, but i really need to name him....
my brother gave me his old riding lawnmower, keep running over things i shouldn't and getting stuff tangled around the blade spindles. guess i'm learing how to take care of it, right? but i really like having it, it gives me the ability to take care of my lawn without always having to depend on my dad. he's got enough to take care of right now, however, i understand his need for distraction too. i've always loved mowing and it is a blast to do it and it gives me an excuse to listen to my ipod...
my regular website is down, hoping i can get it back up and going soon. i made a huge boo-boo and don't know how to fix it. but i figure i've got lots of time to try and learn, or at least get someone else to do it for me. i hate the fact that i neglected it for so long.
lately, i've been feeling very lonely and trying to figure out what it's all for, what purpose does this serve, breaking up with someone just to be miserable without someone in your life. i know, i did the right thing, i need to clean up the junk in my closet, but at 2 1/2 months it's getting hard. in the past, i've always jumped back in at 3 months. i've promised pastor kay that i'll go at least until christmas. it is going to be really, really hard as i have such strong needs to be accepted and around people (which now that i don't work i don't get a lot of... the post office gets concerned when you stand there most of the morning just to talk...). they used to call me a social butterfly where i used to work a million years ago and i never got it. but i think i do now.
i was discussing this (the dating rule) with a friend one night on the phone (yes, a guy) and he said, well, what's dating to you? finally decided it was romantic intent. wonder if he was interested, have to admit there's a part of me that would like that, but i don't need the complication right now. but it is so hard not to let the mind wander...
honestly, i would like to date, and have the flirting, maybe even really serious flirting, but not the rest of it. don't know if i'll ever feel differently.
been geting back into journaling, the old fashioned way. get writer's cramp though. trying to work out more and get rid of the 10-15 i've gained over the past year. i hate that. i've never really struggled with weight until i had kids. now it seems that's all i do. i want to be healther and more trim, but it is hard to commit to the work necessary. i want it without all the pain. just like a good relationship.
anyway, sorry for the ramblings, but thanks for listening, it was very stream of conscienseness tonight.
