see the beauty all around: December 2011

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I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve actually posted anything. Work is crazy busy, and now we’ve got the added challenge of continuing education. I’m just not sure I have the rat race in me anymore. But I try to keep plugging along. Blankie left, and I miss him. He was so fun to talk with. I love talking with people who come from different ways of life, I think there is so much we can learn from them, if we just listen.

Thanksgiving this year was a bit of a whirlwind. I forgot what kind of scheduling challenges one faces when another family is involved. Of course, I should say I felt like I about had to invite myself, by basically saying the week before “you know, if you want me to go, you gotta let me know” kind of thing. I was a bit hurt because he hadn’t really said anything, but had talked about the fact that he was going several times. I just kept waiting for him to say something. In fact, if I remember right, I invited him to dad’s before he made any mention of us going with him. So we went EE’s mom’s for the Thursday meal, so we actually went up Wednesday night & stayed in a hotel. We all rode together. I think that was cool. So many times lately, it has been us driving separately, for whatever reason. It still surprises me that we find enough to talk about to fill the time. And there are silent moments, and that is OK with both of us, he knows I like to just stare out the window and let my thoughts wander. The boys loved the hotel, with the pool & hottub. And he stayed with us, which I really enjoyed, he certainly didn’t have to, he could have stayed at home with D&S. Thursday AM the boys & I just hung out in the room and he ran all over BC to help his mom get stuff ready. We were all more than hungry by the time we got there. She had so much food! His 3 kids were there, his brother with his 3 were there, the 4 of us, and his mom, so 11 people packed into her little house. The house she’s had since he was in 10^th grade. Wow. They have their differences, but she tries hard. We stay there until about 4 and then leave to go back to the room. Decide to lay down for a nap. We wanted Chinese but all the places were closed. He finally found a steak & shake & asked me what I wanted so I texted him “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” as a joke & then sent him our real order. that will teach me! He was able to get 2 of them changed. I ate my cheeseburger & I LIKED it! Lol (think SNL here…) ended up watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and 008 fell asleep in between us. I think he’s feeling some jealousy issues. He’s still a bit sore over the whole “rivergate” incident.

Friday we drive back to Wabash to go to my Dad’s. Got to see my grandparents, Dan & his family of 3, Dennis & his girlfriend, so 12 of us. He had our traditional ham, Irene had had turkey so it was a nice treat to get both. Oh, and they also do a prime rib which was super tasty! Again, lots of food, and none of us was really hungry yet but what are ya going to do! We left there again around 4 so that we could get the boys down to Anderson to meet the X. Just figured that was easier than Kokomo and a nice change of scenery. And it was wonderful to not have to do it by myself for once! We get the boys transferred over, and then decide to go to Charley Creek for some drinks and we thought The Michaels were playing. We get there & it’s the Dixie MudBugs but that’s OK too. We can’t really decide what to eat. We’re both sipping some new wines we found over at the wine shop. We end up getting some pita bread with tseseke sauce and it is yummy! We drink too much, and he decides to stay at my house that night. Wow, that was different, we’ve not done that, ever. I have to admit it was really weird. I’m more comfortable staying at his house than I was with him staying at mine. I don’t know, I think just because we’ve never done it before. He’s been here a lot, usually though just in the evenings. I think because here all my stuff calls my name & I see how cluttered & messy my house is compared to his & it’s just embarrassing.

We ended up hanging up more plastic wrap on the windows, got my drapery rods & drapes hung upstairs & down in the living room. Lots of work done, and house at least feels less chilly, which is good, just waiting to see the bill. I am happy to report we have already set up plans to go to each other’s family for Christmas. And have made plans for a trip up north in January. We are very reserved in using the L word. It’s come out a few times. But it drives me crazy cause I want to say it all the time, but I don’t know how he’ll react and I certainly don’t want to drive him away with being too whatever.

Friday he came over for movie night with the boys, and we had fun talking. And yes, more. I always enjoy the more part… it was really late when he left, but I don’t care, he’s worth every lost wink. Saturday AM he went over with us to Peru for the Y’s benefit breakfast, and that was really fun. Dad took the boys home so they could help clear off the trees that had to be cut down that got tangled in the power lines. Apparently they ended up in the road & the company didn’t move them. He stayed and talked until my hair appointment, then went home to sleep a bit. I went to Squirrel Creek to get some odds & ends after, and then Kroger before picking up the boys. Then it was back home to get Christmas decorations out of the shed & finish up the pot roast for supper. He came over then again to have supper with us and watch the other movie for the boys. After, we sat on the couch talking & kissing. We had a candle lit and it was just so relaxing, sharing wine. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and just whispered in his ear that I loved him. He just hugged me tight, and said “oh sweetheart, I love you too” and that made me feel all warm & gushy inside. I wanna do that all the time!

Why is he so different, why does everything just feel so not the same with him? I don’t feel desperate to be with him, as I have with others in the past, like oh my gosh he’ll forget about me or not want to be with me, if I’m not there right now kind of thing, I’ve never felt that with him. I do yearn to be with him, do things with him, share experiences with him though. I don’t feel like I have to hide anything from him, I know he loves me, the real me. That’s who he gets every single time we are together. Not a false me that so many people got before him. I just feel free, mostly. Content, peaceful. Like I know I’m finally with the person I’m supposed to be with. I just wonder, does he feel that way too? At this point, I don’t think we’re going to break up, but I don’t know that he’ll ever be in a place where he would want it to move to the next level either. He’s said it would take something pretty major to make him change his living arrangements at this point (I’m paraphrasing, but we were basically talking about X-es and living with other people and how he’s been single for so long & what he likes about it, etc.) so I don’t think I’m ever going to be that. And I really am not interested in just living with someone. I want commitment, promise, stability, certainty. I want knowing you love me, that no one else even comes close, and that you’d never in a million years want to do anything to ever lose that. Ever. I want to know I’m going to be with the same person for the rest of my life because I want to & because they want to. That I’m going to develop a history, a story, a life, with someone and not just a chapter. I want someone who wants those things too.

OK, so here are the pix, I’ve made you wait long enough….

My faves are: