wow, has it really been 19 months since i posted last? that is a long time, sister! it has been quite a ride, to say the least. i have been living here at my parent's house during that time, trying to get my feet under me and find the direction God wants me to go.
it has been good, bad, beautiful, ugly, stress-free, stress-ful and everything in between. but i would not ever change my decision to come here. ultimately it has been good, it has given me space to breathe and space to grow. outside of the vacuum and pressure-cooker that was my life before. it has given me a chance to re-discover my roots, and what is elementally at the core of my persona.
i've re-met old high school friends, their families, and their friends. weird in some cases, wonderful in others. i have found an amazing, crazy, stressful job that i love and can put my heart into. i tried dating someone i had a huge crush on in high school - it didn't work. i should have known that if he was weird back then, he probably would still be. he was.
my boys have grown to amazing proportions. ben has "big people teeth" now and continues to grow more handsome everyday. and more tolerant, less judgemental, more compassionate and empathetic. this is a wonderful thing. he got those things from me, i will admit, and so this has been a learning experience for both of us. i'm pleased to say we have both made significant progress.
zack is just amazing. and trying. but always amazing. he has 4 loose teeth that we joke will all fall out at the same time leaving a hole in the front of his mouth. i think he is secretly wishing this to be true. he won't stop playing with them and it is difficult to eat, drink or talk with fingers in your mouth busy trying to wiggle. he started kindergarten. wow. i can't keep pants big enough on him.
they both are just an endless source of overflowing joy in my life and i can't believe how lucky i am to be their mom. even if i can't be with their dad. yea, it is still hard, yea there are times when i wish we could go back and fix everything. yea, there are days i miss being around him and the goofy things he would do that would make me smile. i'm not much of a laugher - yet, but i hope to be one day.
the divorce is final, i closed on a house, and should have possession next weekend. anyone in the mood to help me move? lol it is bittersweet as i will miss a lot of things around here, mainly my mom & dad but not their crazy, insane love of all things clutter. also because it marks it as really over. he never changed his mind, he never tried to come back, he never begged to be back in my life. he never took it back, asked for a second chance or came running back after me. you know the scene in the movies i'm talking about. just let me go, just let me slip through his fingers and out of his life. is that what i wanted? i suppose so on some level. wanted him to change, wanted him to be different, wanted him to want only me in his life. but it didn't happen.
he's moved on. he's had a least 2 girlfriends since i left. that is hard. i know, so have i, well not girlfriends but boyfriends. but it is still hard to think about another woman being in my boys' lives like that. in that sort of role. hard.
and me, have i moved on? i'm in the process. some days are harder than others. i've met a very wonderful man who treats me like i'm a princess. which is what i've wanted for so long. but it is hard, so different from what i'm used to. but i'm learning to enjoy it and be comfortable with it. he's as patient as his is kind and thinks of me before himself. he goes to church with me and we talk about faith a lot.
honestly, we just talk a lot about a lot. if bob taught me anything, is that you need to share everything. even the embarrassing, painful hurtful things. the scary things, the hard things. and the more i do it, the easier it is for me. he is a good listener and never judges or criticizes. he is sweet with the boys and they like him. he is easy to be with.
but i'm so not ready to commit to another life-long relationship. at least not right now. he's going to have to work awfully hard to restore my belief in true love and loyalty and commitment. all of those ideas were destroyed the day bob told me about robin. let's face it, there is never any knight on a white horse that swoops you up off your feet and carries you away to a magical place where you live happily ever after. well, except Christ, but that is a different subject. i know we want it, yearn for it, dream about it, but it doesn't happen. at least it doesn't seem to happen to me. not yet. i've never been the girl that anyone thought was good enough to go back for.
if i ever got married again, it would have to be to someone who understood the concept of covenant and how it applies to a marriage. someone who can love Christ with his whole heart, want to serve and can think about me before himself. as i would for him. this is a must. i refuse to live in a faithless marriage again. he would have to be willing to be the spiritual leader of the house and perform the duties that go with that.
well, it is aobut time to drive over to kokomo to pick up the boys after their weekend with bob. thanks for listening.
