i started this blog back so long ago for so many reasons. i found out my husband wasn't happy with our relationship, he had an affair, we were trying to put it back together & i needed something - anything - to remind me that i still had a beautiful, wonderful life. i never got around to getting back here & doing anything. i was always concerned that everything was pulling my focus from my husband & i. that it would somehow impede the developments we were trying to bring about.
now, after many months, months filled with pain, anguish, anger, hope & joy we have decided it was just too much. there is not enough left of that fertile soil to help our little seedling of a new relationship, a post apocalyptic relationship, grow & thrive. it saddens me for so many reasons. i have done many things to destroy it, he has done so many things to do that too, it seems we are not able to break this destructive cycle or to find the goodness, the bond that used to be there.
and who is the winner & who is the loser? honestly, no one wins & everyone loses. our boys lose having a house & home that includes both their parents. i lose my husband, partner & man i thought i'd share the rest of my life with. he loses too, but i guess it is for him to decide what that is. he loses daily involvement with his boys, being able to tuck them in each night that he's home, playing referee when they fight & seeing their joy upon his arrival home each night.
our families lose, as they struggle to integrate this new news & de-integrate a person who used to be family. am i no longer family since i'm not married to their son & brother anymore? but yet they remain family to my boys, our boys, so is it now family by association? i don' t know.
i won't kid anyone, i've been around this bush before, i've been married, cheated on a spouse, been divorced, and then cheated again on a partner & had him cheat on me too. then i met him & i thought it was gonna be so different. i was wrong. so i know i'm no innocent victim here. this is familiar territory. why is it we do these things? i have no answers that justify the level of hurt, pain & anger these actions bring on. and i also know they are actions we take out of anger & despair, not love & hope.
so now what do we do? we try to build new lives for ourselves, apart from each other. but yet we are forever linked because of the boys. that is new territory, hard territory. it is so much easier when you can just be mad at the other party, yell, scream & make him out to be the bad guy & you just the victim. that is no longer an option. i will not do that to their father, or to them. they have a wonderful relationship & i do not want to damage that in any way. besides, i also know it will not make me feel any better, make the situation change or anything else. change & growth is hard, painful & labourous but it is the only way it happens. this is a character-building exercise for both of us & hopefully all 4 of us will win.
it's funny how we "make" our children share, apologize & "make things better" with each other, but somehow as adults we don't think we have to do this anymore. what a pity. wouldn't the world be better if we did this & took a nap in the afternoon?
so now it is off to discover what the next chapter is that God has planned for me. i know he's real, awesome, strong, with us & in charge (thanks avalanche ranch!) so as he said to joshua, fear not for i am with you. to be honest, i'm very scared of what the future holds, but i know he is there, right beside me & that's really what the verse means, not to be afraid, but to know he's always there.
so it ends with a clinical division of goods & a phone call to the parental units to find out when they can come down to assist...
