via flickr.com
Lots of "new" pictures, through the end of 2007. Some around Wabash, most of them family.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday Mania
With the boys being home, I thought it would be a fun activity to do the Christmas cards together. It was fun for about an hour. Then everyone's patience got pretty thin. But we managed to pull it off & except for a few stragglers, they are done & ready to go in the mail.
Then we curled up with a bowl of popcorn & watched AntZ. It has a PG rating, but honestly I am not sure how it got it as it is very sex-undertoned & has the words "bitching", "hell", and "damn" in it. Now, call me a prude, but if it is meant for kids, I don't think these things need to be there. I liked the message that you need to think for yourself & not just follow orders, I also think you could achieve that without the 4 things mentioned above.
On the personal front, the wrestler & I have really cooled it. We are back to just being friends. Yesterday at church, he sat down next to me, followed by 000's mom. I just about lost it. Actually, I did lose it. I left for a while because I couldn't handle it. Weak, I know, I'm weak. I talked a lot to Jilly about it later. She agrees with me that it is the right thing to do, but she also agreed with how much it would feel like rejection. I mean, it's such a guy line to say "oh, I value our friendship too much" as the reason for calling things off. Sad thing is, I know he's sincere. She told me I have to tell him how I feel, that he deserves to know (huh, the therapist & Pastor Kay have been saying the same thing all along.). That I need to tell him I love him. What?!?! When did it become that, I ask her. She said, why do you think it hurts so much. It doesn't when it's not love. Hadn't thought about it that way, but I know she's right. I know it all the way down to my bones. That is how I feel about him. Great, now I''m frakked. I love a guy who doesn't love me. Or at least I don't think he does. Oh, and he asked about the job interview again. Why does he have to remember stuff about me & then ask. I've never had anyone do that.
After church he sends me a message wanting to know if I'm OK, he's worried. I guess I should say that during service I wrote a little "can we talk later" note in the bulletin & he said yes. So I just told him I needed to talk to him & it needed to be in person. He said OK & then I didn't hear from him. I said it needed to be soon, that I was picking the boys up. Still didn't hear from him.
On the way to Kokomo, he calls & I just tell him I need to be honest with him. He said "have you not been?" "No, I have, but I need to be more honest". Not sure what that means & he said OK, he'd figure out how. Later, he messages and says "just tell me, I can take it". So I send back "I know you can, or hope you can, but I need to say it to your face, I've waited too long as it is." As I'm getting to Kokomo, he calls and says "I just feel like you're gonna drop a bomb on me. You're not pregnant are you?" "No, no bomb, no I'm not pregnant". "Do you hate me, Shelly?" "No, I don't hate you, just the opposite." Wow, I can't even believe he's worried about that. I'm the one who worries about that. I tell him that I really want to do it in person but if he really wants to do it over the phone, then fine. I'm losing it. I say "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I don't even know how long (well, I do, 22 years!). I told you I wasn't good with this FWB thing, and I'm not with you because I got attached, I wanted more". I told him the whole story of when we met for coffee & I thought I had a chance then, but they got back together so I started dating the recruiter. How he called me to say they were getting married & it broke my heart but I tried to do the good friend thing and say that I was happy when inside I was screaming no. How I dated the recruiter for 15 months to get over him, to get him out of my head & heart but it didn't work. Because whenever I was with the recruiter I was always thinking about how I wanted to be with him. How then I finally thought I was getting my chance and then he said he wanted to stop that it felt like rejection & then today to see her with him was just more than what I could take...
And he just breaks down, says he's so sorry he hurt me, that's why he called it off, he didn't want to hurt anybody. That he's just not in a good place to be "the one" for anyone. He apologizes for being irresponsible with my heart. I tell him that I don't blame him, it's my fault, I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. That he doesn't want to go around sowing his wild oats again. That he just wants to concentrate on his son. That it will probably be years before he's ready to date again. That he's trying to be a friend to her. They aren't romantic, no kissing, sex, etc. That he's trying to support her by bringing her to church, but if it's going to cause me to stop going to church (which I never said) he would not do it. I told him I didn't want him to change who he is (he is very caring & sensitive & thoughtful, sometimes too much) that I respected him doing that. That I thought it was admirable. Which I do. That I just got to where I wanted to do things that I wasn't supposed to want to do (hold his hand, touch him in public, kiss him in public, see more & more of him). That I looked forward to hearing from him every day (and I didn't tell him how disappointed I was when I don't). "Well, Shelly, that's not going to stop!". Wow, but now my heart is going to break every time.
I have all these stupid girl fantasies that I know are never going to come true. But yet they still run through my head. Sometimes I want to cut my brain out so I won't think them any more. That is how much they plague me.
I'm bawling. Apologize for not doing this very well. He says it's OK, I'm doing fine. He wants to know what I want from him/expect from him. Just that you be perfectly honest with me & clear. "I don't know if you have feelings for me, have ever, or will ever and maybe you don't know the answer right now, but when you figure it out, I need to know".
He wants to know if I'll be OK. I lie and say yes. That one way or the other it will all work out. Which that part is not a a lie. But I am not OK. I'm the farthest away from OK. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I knew he would not profess his love for me, but there I go (again) baring my heart & soul to someone. Do I feel better for getting it out? I suppose so, on some level. And I know that I don't know any other way to play it but to put all your cards on the table. I've never really known how to hold back. He says he'll call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing. WTF?
I just dumped all of that out there & you don't want to run for the hills? I don't get this guy. So yes, this morning he messages to see if I want to have lunch. Oh, wow. I'm not sure I can go through with it. But I make arrangements for the boys & I drive over to Marion to meet him at Steak & Shake. I'm not hungry, I'm a bundle of nerves. But I get the Chicken Walnut salad. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I remember what he tastes like. But he shows up right after me & smiles that big smile of his that goes all the way to his eyes and then it goes all the way to my heart.
We talk, about stupid stuff. My first husband, the boyfriend that I cheated on him with. Some of the stupid, crazy stuff I've done that I'm not proud of. About Bob. About commitment. About how hard is it really to chose what's right for your family over what you "want" to do. He asked me if it were ever really hard for me to make those decisions, and I said no, because I'll always do what's right for my family. He said "exactly". Which I know he's the same way. You make a promise, a commitment, a covenant and you keep it. Period. "Cause" he said "why would you want to fuck over the person you love, that loves you?". Exactly. Because sometimes, my friends, life really is that simple.
I tell him all men are the same. He laughs and says he's glad I'm comfortable enough with him to say that. Well, maybe not you, but I don't know yet. But then I said, "don't get me wrong, all women are the same too". Which that is an over-generalization too.
And before I know it, it's time for him to go back to work. Yes, he asked about the interview again! He said "they're fucking idiots if they don't hire you." Yes, I have to admit, that is both of ours' favorite word. OK, so I just don't get him. And next time, I need to do more of the asking & listening, and less of the talking. Because, yes, I do think there will be a next time. Because there has to be something on his side of it, or else wouldn't he just be freaked out by everything I had said to him & he could have just cut bait & ran as fast as he could away? Or am I just spinning one of those fantasies again? Let me know what you think...
Interview update: they asked me to round 2....
Then we curled up with a bowl of popcorn & watched AntZ. It has a PG rating, but honestly I am not sure how it got it as it is very sex-undertoned & has the words "bitching", "hell", and "damn" in it. Now, call me a prude, but if it is meant for kids, I don't think these things need to be there. I liked the message that you need to think for yourself & not just follow orders, I also think you could achieve that without the 4 things mentioned above.
On the personal front, the wrestler & I have really cooled it. We are back to just being friends. Yesterday at church, he sat down next to me, followed by 000's mom. I just about lost it. Actually, I did lose it. I left for a while because I couldn't handle it. Weak, I know, I'm weak. I talked a lot to Jilly about it later. She agrees with me that it is the right thing to do, but she also agreed with how much it would feel like rejection. I mean, it's such a guy line to say "oh, I value our friendship too much" as the reason for calling things off. Sad thing is, I know he's sincere. She told me I have to tell him how I feel, that he deserves to know (huh, the therapist & Pastor Kay have been saying the same thing all along.). That I need to tell him I love him. What?!?! When did it become that, I ask her. She said, why do you think it hurts so much. It doesn't when it's not love. Hadn't thought about it that way, but I know she's right. I know it all the way down to my bones. That is how I feel about him. Great, now I''m frakked. I love a guy who doesn't love me. Or at least I don't think he does. Oh, and he asked about the job interview again. Why does he have to remember stuff about me & then ask. I've never had anyone do that.
After church he sends me a message wanting to know if I'm OK, he's worried. I guess I should say that during service I wrote a little "can we talk later" note in the bulletin & he said yes. So I just told him I needed to talk to him & it needed to be in person. He said OK & then I didn't hear from him. I said it needed to be soon, that I was picking the boys up. Still didn't hear from him.
On the way to Kokomo, he calls & I just tell him I need to be honest with him. He said "have you not been?" "No, I have, but I need to be more honest". Not sure what that means & he said OK, he'd figure out how. Later, he messages and says "just tell me, I can take it". So I send back "I know you can, or hope you can, but I need to say it to your face, I've waited too long as it is." As I'm getting to Kokomo, he calls and says "I just feel like you're gonna drop a bomb on me. You're not pregnant are you?" "No, no bomb, no I'm not pregnant". "Do you hate me, Shelly?" "No, I don't hate you, just the opposite." Wow, I can't even believe he's worried about that. I'm the one who worries about that. I tell him that I really want to do it in person but if he really wants to do it over the phone, then fine. I'm losing it. I say "I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I don't even know how long (well, I do, 22 years!). I told you I wasn't good with this FWB thing, and I'm not with you because I got attached, I wanted more". I told him the whole story of when we met for coffee & I thought I had a chance then, but they got back together so I started dating the recruiter. How he called me to say they were getting married & it broke my heart but I tried to do the good friend thing and say that I was happy when inside I was screaming no. How I dated the recruiter for 15 months to get over him, to get him out of my head & heart but it didn't work. Because whenever I was with the recruiter I was always thinking about how I wanted to be with him. How then I finally thought I was getting my chance and then he said he wanted to stop that it felt like rejection & then today to see her with him was just more than what I could take...
And he just breaks down, says he's so sorry he hurt me, that's why he called it off, he didn't want to hurt anybody. That he's just not in a good place to be "the one" for anyone. He apologizes for being irresponsible with my heart. I tell him that I don't blame him, it's my fault, I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. That he doesn't want to go around sowing his wild oats again. That he just wants to concentrate on his son. That it will probably be years before he's ready to date again. That he's trying to be a friend to her. They aren't romantic, no kissing, sex, etc. That he's trying to support her by bringing her to church, but if it's going to cause me to stop going to church (which I never said) he would not do it. I told him I didn't want him to change who he is (he is very caring & sensitive & thoughtful, sometimes too much) that I respected him doing that. That I thought it was admirable. Which I do. That I just got to where I wanted to do things that I wasn't supposed to want to do (hold his hand, touch him in public, kiss him in public, see more & more of him). That I looked forward to hearing from him every day (and I didn't tell him how disappointed I was when I don't). "Well, Shelly, that's not going to stop!". Wow, but now my heart is going to break every time.
I have all these stupid girl fantasies that I know are never going to come true. But yet they still run through my head. Sometimes I want to cut my brain out so I won't think them any more. That is how much they plague me.
I'm bawling. Apologize for not doing this very well. He says it's OK, I'm doing fine. He wants to know what I want from him/expect from him. Just that you be perfectly honest with me & clear. "I don't know if you have feelings for me, have ever, or will ever and maybe you don't know the answer right now, but when you figure it out, I need to know".
He wants to know if I'll be OK. I lie and say yes. That one way or the other it will all work out. Which that part is not a a lie. But I am not OK. I'm the farthest away from OK. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I knew he would not profess his love for me, but there I go (again) baring my heart & soul to someone. Do I feel better for getting it out? I suppose so, on some level. And I know that I don't know any other way to play it but to put all your cards on the table. I've never really known how to hold back. He says he'll call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing. WTF?
I just dumped all of that out there & you don't want to run for the hills? I don't get this guy. So yes, this morning he messages to see if I want to have lunch. Oh, wow. I'm not sure I can go through with it. But I make arrangements for the boys & I drive over to Marion to meet him at Steak & Shake. I'm not hungry, I'm a bundle of nerves. But I get the Chicken Walnut salad. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I remember what he tastes like. But he shows up right after me & smiles that big smile of his that goes all the way to his eyes and then it goes all the way to my heart.
We talk, about stupid stuff. My first husband, the boyfriend that I cheated on him with. Some of the stupid, crazy stuff I've done that I'm not proud of. About Bob. About commitment. About how hard is it really to chose what's right for your family over what you "want" to do. He asked me if it were ever really hard for me to make those decisions, and I said no, because I'll always do what's right for my family. He said "exactly". Which I know he's the same way. You make a promise, a commitment, a covenant and you keep it. Period. "Cause" he said "why would you want to fuck over the person you love, that loves you?". Exactly. Because sometimes, my friends, life really is that simple.
I tell him all men are the same. He laughs and says he's glad I'm comfortable enough with him to say that. Well, maybe not you, but I don't know yet. But then I said, "don't get me wrong, all women are the same too". Which that is an over-generalization too.
And before I know it, it's time for him to go back to work. Yes, he asked about the interview again! He said "they're fucking idiots if they don't hire you." Yes, I have to admit, that is both of ours' favorite word. OK, so I just don't get him. And next time, I need to do more of the asking & listening, and less of the talking. Because, yes, I do think there will be a next time. Because there has to be something on his side of it, or else wouldn't he just be freaked out by everything I had said to him & he could have just cut bait & ran as fast as he could away? Or am I just spinning one of those fantasies again? Let me know what you think...
Interview update: they asked me to round 2....
Upgrade to Windows 7
Getting ready to upgrade my laptop from Vista to Windows 7. Wish me luck….really wish Santa had put a MacBook under the tree, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers….
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Shock and awe
Well, it's been a long time since that phrase was coined. However, very apropos for the previous 2 minutes of my life. Envision the scene.... me, sitting down to my desk thinking "I really need to get my letter done for this year." OK. Cup of coffee, check, desk chair, check, desk, check, laptop working, check. Start up MS Word, check, go to open 2008 family letter.....uh, why does it stop at 2000?! Uhhhhhhhhh.....MOMMY!!!!!!! "Oh, right, I migrated everything over to MS Publisher, duh!"....OK, please call off the special forces team I'd summoned to the house .... shew, there they all are, happily resting their old tired bits ......sigh....
Merry Day after Christmas
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Hard for so many reasons.... Bob & I are divorced, the kids have been with him this week & I've missed them. I long to share my life with someone. The wrestler & I decided to cool things down for awhile so we can both get our heads screwed on straight. Well, mostly he decided, but I agree. But it still feels like horrible rejection even though it is not. And well, it was Christmas and somehow we as a society have managed to put this romantic image on it, that if you are "alone" on Christmas you are somehow the world's biggest loser. And I know, it's a bunch of bologna, but sometimes you drink the Kool-Aid, you know?
I've actually gotten 2 layouts done (for myself!) and 6 cards. As well as sorted through at least 6 catagories of mom's pictures. Wrapped all the presents (really didn't feel like doing that one!), watched some Farscape (Ben Browder is just too darn uber-sexy!), got caught up a bit on some blog reading, proofed some pictures, uploaded some shots for submission, helped a friend clean her house, packed at FISH, and had supper with the parental units. Oh, and picked which school picture I want to send out in the cards this year. I don't send out before Christmas. Never made it, don't try now. Here are some of the choices, and then I let you know which ones I picked.
First, 008. Now I have to say after the fact, I needed to wait just a tad bit longer as the light was still just a bit too harsh and in his eyes, but live & learn.....
I've actually gotten 2 layouts done (for myself!) and 6 cards. As well as sorted through at least 6 catagories of mom's pictures. Wrapped all the presents (really didn't feel like doing that one!), watched some Farscape (Ben Browder is just too darn uber-sexy!), got caught up a bit on some blog reading, proofed some pictures, uploaded some shots for submission, helped a friend clean her house, packed at FISH, and had supper with the parental units. Oh, and picked which school picture I want to send out in the cards this year. I don't send out before Christmas. Never made it, don't try now. Here are some of the choices, and then I let you know which ones I picked.
First, 008. Now I have to say after the fact, I needed to wait just a tad bit longer as the light was still just a bit too harsh and in his eyes, but live & learn.....
I ended up picking the last one, as I thought it was the most balanced. Some of them translated too dark when I printed them out which also frustrated me a bit, as they look great on the screen. I "need" one of those calibration devices. These are all taken here in the backyard, he wanted to do crazy hair & non-crazy hair. I like the crazy hair. Now, he's buzzed so it's no hair. :(
And 006
Had a very bad day at school that day, I found out. He got his "color" moved to sitting at the teacher's desk. He was devastated. And he was mad at me because I kept reprimanding him for tugging on my when I was trying to take Ben's shots. So we waited a couple more days and got these....
And I did learn from not waiting on 008's shots. These were taken (the one on the left was one of the very last ones we did that night) as the sun was literally sinking beneath the horizon. The color is much better and the evenness of the light is perfect. No squinting and on the prints you can see the color of his eyes. So next year, I'm going to be more patient! Oh, this was a tough choice but I picked the one on the right.
Which ones would you have picked?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Flickr Upload
Tons of "new" pics uploaded... 006 birthday, Campbell's Pumpkin Patch, Carving Pumpkins, visit to the grandparental units' farm, pics around Wabash.... You can check them out here....
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday Pics
Well, last night's longest night service was interesting to say the least. After saying he was not going to go, the wrestler surprised me by being there. And I got some baby loving, so I can't complain. And he was so sweet, asked me if there was anything he could get me (there were refreshments after) while I was holding 000. So I told him about my secret stash of whipped cream so I could put it in my coffee. I'm such a girl, I know.
We talked on the phone a bit this am. He was concerned that our interactions (when we're "alone") were becoming too much about physical stuff. He was concerned that it was going to make our friendship superficial and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't want to be used either, and that our friendship meant more than that to me. He said he hoped I didn't feel used, and I said I don't, but I don't want to either. That I want something with more depth than that. Told him that I had a lot of fun watching snowboarding with him, which I did. He said he'd like to do it more. I told him the other stuff is fun & exciting and I like it too. He agreed. So I'm not really sure where this leaves us, other than both of us liking each other, trusting the other (wow, that's hard), and thinking the other is very loyal & faithful. It's still one day at a time, and trying to not do any more than that, at least for me.
I know he still hangs out a lot at her place, and he should, they have a baby together. And I know he still wants to make out with her sometimes, and I understand that too, because it takes awhile for that to go away. I don't feel that way about Bob anymore.
I am finding myself in a place where I want more, I want to see him more, be around him more. Find it hard when I see him at church or wherever to not just hug and kiss him right away. I dream about us a lot. All different kinds of dreams. Dreams I know will never come true, but they are there anyway. And I think about him, a lot. And I do mean a lot. I'm not really sure what all this means. My therapist says she's not sure I'm ready for a relationship because I still have so much anger & pain from what happened with Bob. And I think she's right. But that doesn't stop me from wanting one.
The boys are at Bob's this week, and it's been hard so far. I'm going down to Westfield tomorrow to have supper with them. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'm packing at FISH, helping the wrestler's mom with her house, visiting my parents, and then driving to see them. But that's OK cause I like to drive.
Today, besides cleaning the church, is proofing pics day and I've been busy doing a goodly number. Here are my faves...
We talked on the phone a bit this am. He was concerned that our interactions (when we're "alone") were becoming too much about physical stuff. He was concerned that it was going to make our friendship superficial and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't want to be used either, and that our friendship meant more than that to me. He said he hoped I didn't feel used, and I said I don't, but I don't want to either. That I want something with more depth than that. Told him that I had a lot of fun watching snowboarding with him, which I did. He said he'd like to do it more. I told him the other stuff is fun & exciting and I like it too. He agreed. So I'm not really sure where this leaves us, other than both of us liking each other, trusting the other (wow, that's hard), and thinking the other is very loyal & faithful. It's still one day at a time, and trying to not do any more than that, at least for me.
I know he still hangs out a lot at her place, and he should, they have a baby together. And I know he still wants to make out with her sometimes, and I understand that too, because it takes awhile for that to go away. I don't feel that way about Bob anymore.
I am finding myself in a place where I want more, I want to see him more, be around him more. Find it hard when I see him at church or wherever to not just hug and kiss him right away. I dream about us a lot. All different kinds of dreams. Dreams I know will never come true, but they are there anyway. And I think about him, a lot. And I do mean a lot. I'm not really sure what all this means. My therapist says she's not sure I'm ready for a relationship because I still have so much anger & pain from what happened with Bob. And I think she's right. But that doesn't stop me from wanting one.
The boys are at Bob's this week, and it's been hard so far. I'm going down to Westfield tomorrow to have supper with them. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'm packing at FISH, helping the wrestler's mom with her house, visiting my parents, and then driving to see them. But that's OK cause I like to drive.
Today, besides cleaning the church, is proofing pics day and I've been busy doing a goodly number. Here are my faves...
Asters in my mom's garden. That's frost on them. It was beautiful.
Some coneflowers with frost.
I mainly just like the light and colors in this. The petunias that were growing in the pot were beautiful. These were taken one morning, going out to the car to go to work & I couldn't resist.
Painting pumpkins. OK 006 looks like he has no neck & 008 looks like he's got too much neck, but they had so much fun painting these & were so proud!
F14 Tomcat at Grissom Air Museum. In my head, I was made to fly one of these things. So that I could be prepared to fly one of these...
Somebody forgot to tell my body to NOT have bad eyeballs. Sigh, I guess you win some and then you lose some. It would have been a lot of fun, I'm quite certain.
Thanks for looking!
elle
elle
Monday, December 21, 2009
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
....but not feel much like it. Last week, it seemed as though the boys & I mostly fought. Or they mostly fought. Lots of fighting. And yelling. I told myself I wasn't going to go back to the yelling habit so it really upset me to realize I had been. Promised them, and me, I would be stopping.
Wednesday at the doctor was, well, not so much fun. It was a wart on 006's toe. She did not recommend the freezing since it takes several times and is not always effective. Wish I had known that with 008. Oh well. She recommended burning. OK, now you can start the insane 6 year old freak out video track in your head & then multiply it by 10. There, that should give you an idea of what it was like. 008 was very helpful & schlepped all of our stuff over to the other room for me while I carried the writhing octopus, I mean, 6 year old to the room. They do numb it first, they got him talking about Pokemon and then wouldn't you know it, he was fine. Walking out to the car though, there was the expected mixture of tears and pouting, at just the right levels, that scored them both a frosty at !endy's. That made it all better. 008 said he didn't like Wendy's (apparently not my child after all!) but said he might have to reconsider after the frosty because it was very tasty. Burger King is better because their burgers are square. I told him so are Wendy's. I like BK's fries better, he fires back. What?! Definitely can't be mine, Wendy's fries are sooo much better. But BK does have yummy onion rings. We agree to disagree.
Thursday Bob came up to take them out to supper (like all the way here) so that I could go to choir practice. He was out of town on Wednesday. Our Christmas program is Sunday & we're so not ready. But I think it will get there. The wrestler's mom is the choir director. He looks so much like her that at times I find it hard to look at her. She asks me if I would mind coming into the house on Friday to help her get ready because not only is Sunday the Christmas program, but 000 is being dedicated (we don't do infant baptisms, but we dedicate them. It is more of a commitment on the parental side to bring up the child in the church) and so since everyone is going to be in town, they are deciding to do the family Christmas too & the house is a wreck, massive cooking, etc. So I tell her that yes I will help.
Friday I help fold laundry, run the vacuum, make beds and then go pack at FISH. Then I go back and do more vacuuming, get all the candles working in the windows (they own a beautiful brick colonial so there are lots of windows on the streetfront) and wrap presents. And she's so sweet, that even though they are not together anymore, she still invites 000's mom & gets her presents, and for her other kids too. And I'm wrapping them. How twisted is that?
When I am done, I leave and go pick up the boys. Bring them home, hang & eat supper. Then grampa comes over to take them swimming in Peru, where his Y is. They like his Y because it has a hot tub and a sauna. And they shower many times. I do not understand this, but this is the routine with grampa. They love it. Then he takes them to DQ for blizzards, because there is nothing like a sugar rush right before going to bed.
And me, what do I do while they are gone? I watch Farscape, cause I'm totally in love with Ben Browder. First found him on SG-1. He's to die for. He's married, dang-it! And then because it's a sappy, love one. I get mad. And honestly, I've been mad all week. Mad at Bob and mad at life, mad at loosing my job, mad that my business isn't taking off fast enough, mad at the wrestler, mad at my parents. So I rant and I rail at God, the universe and the Christmas Tree. I'm guessing only 1 of those really listens.....
I should mention that the wrestler told me 000's mom was going to be at the dedication & he was touched. I asked him if he was being sarcastic & he said no, he really wants to be friends with her. And before you go off yelling at me, I know he should be & I applaud that. But the scared, selfish little part of me doesn't want her there because whenever she is there then he doesn't even acknowledge I exist. And so know I think he hates me and never wants to talk to me & I get mad that he would do that. I know, it didn't really happen and it was all made up in my head, but be honest, you've done that too.
And I tell him that Bob is going to be there & he says "well, if nothing else, Sunday will be interesting". To say the least. I also told him I was nervous about singing in the choir for the first time in front of people. He said I'd do fine.
So back to being mad. I really just gave up hope. I mean, what is the point of hope anyway. You want something, wish for something, hope for something, pray for something. And then you get it, and you think your life is wonderful, and then someone decides to make a piss-poor decision and wham, it's gone. Like that. So what is the point? So you can be hurt again and again and again? No thank you, I said. I'm tired of hoping that he's going to see me as a possibility. Tired of having feelings for him. Tired of wanting something I'm never going to have, or if I do, will just be taken away from me again. So I'm ranting about how I don't want the feelings anymore, they aren't going anywhere, they don't serve a purpose, etc. And I'm crying. Rivers, buckets. And then I gotta stop cause I don't want my dad to see me like that.
The boys get home, I get them to bed, and I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night, I think worked on my mom's pictures.
Saturday, we got up, went to church and did our practice. I put the manger up on the bulletin board. It looks too small.Gotta do something else to go with it. When we got back, we started cleaning up their rooms. Every year before birthdays & Christmas we go through toys and decide what to donate & what to keep. They also wanted to rearrange, so I figured it would be a good time to do it. So we pulled everything but the furniture out into my room and started sorting. Took a break for lunch, went back to sorting. I was amazed at what they did. One recycling tub full of paper to recycle, trash can full of trash, 2 huge boxes to donate & 1 small box of stuff that belonged "elsewhere" in the house. Wow! Totally blown away.
Sometime during the day I checked my phone. He had sent me a message at like 2:30 that morning. What?!? Does he really think about me at 2:30? So I had messaged back wow you're up early, have a good time at Christmas today, but didn't hear anything back from him all day. He was busy so I wasn't really expecting anything.
We watched Harry Potter #3 after cleaning up the room, as a reward, with yummy butter popcorn. Really good movie, stays true to the book, except for leaving things out which always drives me crazy. Then we ate supper, took our bath & read Harry Potter #4. Got them upstairs to bed, and learned they had been scrubbing the walls with their toothbrushes instead of their teeth. Oh, I lost it! Normally probably wouldn't have bothered me too much, but remember I've been itching for a fight all week.
It culminated into 008 saying he's the worst son ever & me feeling like I'm the worst mom ever. So I told him I forgave him scrubbing the wall and maybe he could forgive me for yelling. I told him in 10 years we will laugh at him scrubbing the walls but we probably wouldn't laugh at me yelling.
Sunday I told them it was the 1 day I COULD NOT be late. We were late. Drove me crazy. Tried not to yell. Told them that I really dislike yelling, they do too and that I was going to try and stop. But that they play a part too and need to listen. But I'm feeling extremely guilty for yelling because this is the day they go to their dad's and I don't want their last memory of us together to be of me yelling. Sigh.
And he messaged me again Saturday night at 11:30. Go figure. I really don't get it. I mean, I do, he's got a lot to figure out too. But does he think of me, and does he think of me the way I think of him? Who knows?!?! But I know I want him to....
Baby dedication goes off without a hitch. It was really weird to have Bob there. He's NEVER been at that church before. The boys are sitting with him which is good since I'm up front with the choir. Weird to see the wrestler, with baby, her & her kids together. Like a family, but not. And me thinking, "could I be happy for him if he were somehow able to put it together as a family?" I would like to think I'm the kind of person who could. I would try.
And then we sing. And my friend Jilly Bean smiles at me & that makes the world better. And he smiles at me again and that helps too. After service, I help get Bob get the boys squared away so they can leave. And I visit with my parents, who were able to make it, and that makes the world a bit better too. And I talk with Jilly and that helps. And I got to see Monika, a friend who just got back from basic, and she looks good. And talk with her mom. And the church is thinning out. And then he stops by with the baby, and we talk for just a minute. And I pet 000 & tell him how lucky he is. And then they leave.
And you know what, if he didn't send me a message as I was driving to the bank. I accidentally called him when I tried to message back and so we actually talked for a bit. Talked about how he doesn't like blue, but likes hardy colors (we were talking about why he chose the outfit he did from the 2 his mom had gotten, the other one was baby blue. Oops, come to think of it, the mini book I made him was baby blue. Strike 1 for me!), he really wanted to put him in a skull & crossbones shirt. Funny. Talked about how it can be hard to have anything more than a superficial conversation with Bob for me. Then he needed to go have lunch with his folks.
So I came back here and watched some more farscape, took a nap, started working on some stuff, scanning, and he messages me to ask me what I'm doing later. He invites me in to watch TV later. I work on mom's pictures for awhile. And then fix a boo boo because I forgot to send one of the boys' medications with them. So I get it filled down there.
Then it's time to go in. And he's in shorts and a hoodie. Just hanging out drinking a beer. So we watch snowboarding for awhile, which is totally cool. We talk about stuff, nothing kind of stuff, you know. And we make out. Cause we're both really keyed up. It's fun. And then we watch more TV. And then he starts falling asleep because it's late. So I leave and he says to call him later this week.
And he messages me early this AM. He's tired still. Gonna take off early. Asks about my interview. So we chat for a bit, he says he thinks I'm gonna get it because I'm smart & they'd be stupid not to hire me. He knows I know this, but it's sweet that he tells me. And then later this afternoon he messages me again to see how it goes. Told him I've not heard from them yet. He says to be sure to tell him. That is so sweet too. I promise him I will. What is this?!?! I DON'T want to hope, but what is this? I know, I really need to talk to him about it, but I think he's still too busy sorting stuff out & besides, how do you know when enough time has passed for it to be appropriate to talk about feelings? What do you think?
And while typing this, I'm also working on a new Winter alphabet for the shop, and baking cookies (from the dough that I made last Thursday for Friday's cookie exchange I didn't go to because I was helping) for the Longest Night service we're having at 1900 tonight. And laundry. And vacuuming. And why do I feel like I get nothing done? That's craziness!
Wednesday at the doctor was, well, not so much fun. It was a wart on 006's toe. She did not recommend the freezing since it takes several times and is not always effective. Wish I had known that with 008. Oh well. She recommended burning. OK, now you can start the insane 6 year old freak out video track in your head & then multiply it by 10. There, that should give you an idea of what it was like. 008 was very helpful & schlepped all of our stuff over to the other room for me while I carried the writhing octopus, I mean, 6 year old to the room. They do numb it first, they got him talking about Pokemon and then wouldn't you know it, he was fine. Walking out to the car though, there was the expected mixture of tears and pouting, at just the right levels, that scored them both a frosty at !endy's. That made it all better. 008 said he didn't like Wendy's (apparently not my child after all!) but said he might have to reconsider after the frosty because it was very tasty. Burger King is better because their burgers are square. I told him so are Wendy's. I like BK's fries better, he fires back. What?! Definitely can't be mine, Wendy's fries are sooo much better. But BK does have yummy onion rings. We agree to disagree.
Thursday Bob came up to take them out to supper (like all the way here) so that I could go to choir practice. He was out of town on Wednesday. Our Christmas program is Sunday & we're so not ready. But I think it will get there. The wrestler's mom is the choir director. He looks so much like her that at times I find it hard to look at her. She asks me if I would mind coming into the house on Friday to help her get ready because not only is Sunday the Christmas program, but 000 is being dedicated (we don't do infant baptisms, but we dedicate them. It is more of a commitment on the parental side to bring up the child in the church) and so since everyone is going to be in town, they are deciding to do the family Christmas too & the house is a wreck, massive cooking, etc. So I tell her that yes I will help.
Friday I help fold laundry, run the vacuum, make beds and then go pack at FISH. Then I go back and do more vacuuming, get all the candles working in the windows (they own a beautiful brick colonial so there are lots of windows on the streetfront) and wrap presents. And she's so sweet, that even though they are not together anymore, she still invites 000's mom & gets her presents, and for her other kids too. And I'm wrapping them. How twisted is that?
When I am done, I leave and go pick up the boys. Bring them home, hang & eat supper. Then grampa comes over to take them swimming in Peru, where his Y is. They like his Y because it has a hot tub and a sauna. And they shower many times. I do not understand this, but this is the routine with grampa. They love it. Then he takes them to DQ for blizzards, because there is nothing like a sugar rush right before going to bed.
And me, what do I do while they are gone? I watch Farscape, cause I'm totally in love with Ben Browder. First found him on SG-1. He's to die for. He's married, dang-it! And then because it's a sappy, love one. I get mad. And honestly, I've been mad all week. Mad at Bob and mad at life, mad at loosing my job, mad that my business isn't taking off fast enough, mad at the wrestler, mad at my parents. So I rant and I rail at God, the universe and the Christmas Tree. I'm guessing only 1 of those really listens.....
I should mention that the wrestler told me 000's mom was going to be at the dedication & he was touched. I asked him if he was being sarcastic & he said no, he really wants to be friends with her. And before you go off yelling at me, I know he should be & I applaud that. But the scared, selfish little part of me doesn't want her there because whenever she is there then he doesn't even acknowledge I exist. And so know I think he hates me and never wants to talk to me & I get mad that he would do that. I know, it didn't really happen and it was all made up in my head, but be honest, you've done that too.
And I tell him that Bob is going to be there & he says "well, if nothing else, Sunday will be interesting". To say the least. I also told him I was nervous about singing in the choir for the first time in front of people. He said I'd do fine.
So back to being mad. I really just gave up hope. I mean, what is the point of hope anyway. You want something, wish for something, hope for something, pray for something. And then you get it, and you think your life is wonderful, and then someone decides to make a piss-poor decision and wham, it's gone. Like that. So what is the point? So you can be hurt again and again and again? No thank you, I said. I'm tired of hoping that he's going to see me as a possibility. Tired of having feelings for him. Tired of wanting something I'm never going to have, or if I do, will just be taken away from me again. So I'm ranting about how I don't want the feelings anymore, they aren't going anywhere, they don't serve a purpose, etc. And I'm crying. Rivers, buckets. And then I gotta stop cause I don't want my dad to see me like that.
The boys get home, I get them to bed, and I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night, I think worked on my mom's pictures.
Saturday, we got up, went to church and did our practice. I put the manger up on the bulletin board. It looks too small.Gotta do something else to go with it. When we got back, we started cleaning up their rooms. Every year before birthdays & Christmas we go through toys and decide what to donate & what to keep. They also wanted to rearrange, so I figured it would be a good time to do it. So we pulled everything but the furniture out into my room and started sorting. Took a break for lunch, went back to sorting. I was amazed at what they did. One recycling tub full of paper to recycle, trash can full of trash, 2 huge boxes to donate & 1 small box of stuff that belonged "elsewhere" in the house. Wow! Totally blown away.
Sometime during the day I checked my phone. He had sent me a message at like 2:30 that morning. What?!? Does he really think about me at 2:30? So I had messaged back wow you're up early, have a good time at Christmas today, but didn't hear anything back from him all day. He was busy so I wasn't really expecting anything.
We watched Harry Potter #3 after cleaning up the room, as a reward, with yummy butter popcorn. Really good movie, stays true to the book, except for leaving things out which always drives me crazy. Then we ate supper, took our bath & read Harry Potter #4. Got them upstairs to bed, and learned they had been scrubbing the walls with their toothbrushes instead of their teeth. Oh, I lost it! Normally probably wouldn't have bothered me too much, but remember I've been itching for a fight all week.
It culminated into 008 saying he's the worst son ever & me feeling like I'm the worst mom ever. So I told him I forgave him scrubbing the wall and maybe he could forgive me for yelling. I told him in 10 years we will laugh at him scrubbing the walls but we probably wouldn't laugh at me yelling.
Sunday I told them it was the 1 day I COULD NOT be late. We were late. Drove me crazy. Tried not to yell. Told them that I really dislike yelling, they do too and that I was going to try and stop. But that they play a part too and need to listen. But I'm feeling extremely guilty for yelling because this is the day they go to their dad's and I don't want their last memory of us together to be of me yelling. Sigh.
And he messaged me again Saturday night at 11:30. Go figure. I really don't get it. I mean, I do, he's got a lot to figure out too. But does he think of me, and does he think of me the way I think of him? Who knows?!?! But I know I want him to....
Baby dedication goes off without a hitch. It was really weird to have Bob there. He's NEVER been at that church before. The boys are sitting with him which is good since I'm up front with the choir. Weird to see the wrestler, with baby, her & her kids together. Like a family, but not. And me thinking, "could I be happy for him if he were somehow able to put it together as a family?" I would like to think I'm the kind of person who could. I would try.
And then we sing. And my friend Jilly Bean smiles at me & that makes the world better. And he smiles at me again and that helps too. After service, I help get Bob get the boys squared away so they can leave. And I visit with my parents, who were able to make it, and that makes the world a bit better too. And I talk with Jilly and that helps. And I got to see Monika, a friend who just got back from basic, and she looks good. And talk with her mom. And the church is thinning out. And then he stops by with the baby, and we talk for just a minute. And I pet 000 & tell him how lucky he is. And then they leave.
And you know what, if he didn't send me a message as I was driving to the bank. I accidentally called him when I tried to message back and so we actually talked for a bit. Talked about how he doesn't like blue, but likes hardy colors (we were talking about why he chose the outfit he did from the 2 his mom had gotten, the other one was baby blue. Oops, come to think of it, the mini book I made him was baby blue. Strike 1 for me!), he really wanted to put him in a skull & crossbones shirt. Funny. Talked about how it can be hard to have anything more than a superficial conversation with Bob for me. Then he needed to go have lunch with his folks.
So I came back here and watched some more farscape, took a nap, started working on some stuff, scanning, and he messages me to ask me what I'm doing later. He invites me in to watch TV later. I work on mom's pictures for awhile. And then fix a boo boo because I forgot to send one of the boys' medications with them. So I get it filled down there.
Then it's time to go in. And he's in shorts and a hoodie. Just hanging out drinking a beer. So we watch snowboarding for awhile, which is totally cool. We talk about stuff, nothing kind of stuff, you know. And we make out. Cause we're both really keyed up. It's fun. And then we watch more TV. And then he starts falling asleep because it's late. So I leave and he says to call him later this week.
And he messages me early this AM. He's tired still. Gonna take off early. Asks about my interview. So we chat for a bit, he says he thinks I'm gonna get it because I'm smart & they'd be stupid not to hire me. He knows I know this, but it's sweet that he tells me. And then later this afternoon he messages me again to see how it goes. Told him I've not heard from them yet. He says to be sure to tell him. That is so sweet too. I promise him I will. What is this?!?! I DON'T want to hope, but what is this? I know, I really need to talk to him about it, but I think he's still too busy sorting stuff out & besides, how do you know when enough time has passed for it to be appropriate to talk about feelings? What do you think?
And while typing this, I'm also working on a new Winter alphabet for the shop, and baking cookies (from the dough that I made last Thursday for Friday's cookie exchange I didn't go to because I was helping) for the Longest Night service we're having at 1900 tonight. And laundry. And vacuuming. And why do I feel like I get nothing done? That's craziness!
Card posting
You can go check 'em out here....
http://benzillascrapping.blogspot.com/2009/12/couple-of-new-old-cards.html
http://benzillascrapping.blogspot.com/2009/12/couple-of-new-old-cards.html
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Flickr Upload 12/17/09
Today’s set includes Zack’s Preschool, some Faves of Zack and Ben, Ben’s First Grade, some Wabash area pictures (be sure to check out the dog house with Direct TV, only in Indiana people!). You can see
them here… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Catching up...
I think life is catching up to me. In so many ways. Some times i just feel rushed, stressed, overwhelmed, sad, happy, relaxed, you name it. It has been fun to sort my parents pictures, you can read more about it here.
Maybe it's just that between Thanksgiving entering into Christmas holiday. You know, you're so looking forward to Thanksgiving, so busy, getting everything done, then there is a bit of a lull until Christmas but it is jammed packed full of decorating churches, caroling, Christmas (company or not) parties, Advent programs, buying presents, wrapping presents, baking and sometimes you just realize you don't want to do it all by yourself, that you want someone else to share the experience with you. I am that kind of person. Sharing the journey with someone for me makes it more meaningful. I don't know why. I am just so not looking forward to Christmas this year because their dad gets them the first week of break this year. I'm not dreading it, I'm just ambivalent, like, Oh, is is Christmas time?
The wrestler and I continue to have more and more contact. I had lunch with him 2 Fridays ago, that was cool, I got to see his lab (he fits prosthetics or however you spell it!) and we talked. And a bit more. He stopped by the house last week and that was fun. He called me Sunday to explain why he wasn't at church when he said he was going to. That really blew me away. I mean, I was totally not expecting it, it was so not necessary (but totally cool & sweet) cause it's not like we're really together or anything. I mean, he doesn't owe me an explanation, right? Does that make sense? He had gone to see his brother Saturday (which he called to tell me he was going to do, so re-read previous statements, they apply here too) and just decided to hang out until Sunday.
Of course, I missed him, but I kinda figured that's what had happened. So double my surprise that he called and didn't want me to be worried. It is getting to where we do communicate in some form every day. Not sure what that means, or where it will take us, but I know sometimes it is hard to keep with this I'm going to take it slow thing. But mostly, it has been good, and fun to do it.
006 had his Christmas program yesterday, Bob drove up to see it and joined us for supper. Weird to have him in my space. Like we're a family again, almost, but not. We drove together. Weird too. But the boys enjoyed it. 006 almost didn't go. He's not been feeling well since he came back, small cough and cold. And he was tired, you could just see it in his face. I found him (while I was cooking supper) in his bed with the covers up over his head. He was mostly asleep, poor guy! But he did go, had a great time, and they did FANTASTIC! It's always so much fun to watch!
I had both my cameras there. Got 1 shot from the DSLR, then the battery died. Dang! Whipped out the Nikon P&S, wouldn't even turn on the batteries were sooo dead. Bob used his iPhone camera. Not the best, but better than nothing. It made my little hard sooo sad. He was sooo stinkin' cute and right on the front row!
My mom & dad were both there. That made my heart do cartwheels. She doesn't get around very well so I was completely surprised she was there. I knew dad was going to be. I think she liked it. It's hard to tell sometimes. She has therapy this AM, so I'm waiting until this PM to go visit.
006 also has a doctor's appointment today to figure out what the weird growth is on his toe. Probably just a wart, but it's on the side of his big toe & it rubs on his shoe and is VERY painful. And starting tomorrow, they want to go back to riding the bus in the AM. I still want to pick them up in the PMs as it just makes things go smoother, not as much rushing. Which I hate rushing, but seem to do it all the time... go figure!
Maybe it's just that between Thanksgiving entering into Christmas holiday. You know, you're so looking forward to Thanksgiving, so busy, getting everything done, then there is a bit of a lull until Christmas but it is jammed packed full of decorating churches, caroling, Christmas (company or not) parties, Advent programs, buying presents, wrapping presents, baking and sometimes you just realize you don't want to do it all by yourself, that you want someone else to share the experience with you. I am that kind of person. Sharing the journey with someone for me makes it more meaningful. I don't know why. I am just so not looking forward to Christmas this year because their dad gets them the first week of break this year. I'm not dreading it, I'm just ambivalent, like, Oh, is is Christmas time?
The wrestler and I continue to have more and more contact. I had lunch with him 2 Fridays ago, that was cool, I got to see his lab (he fits prosthetics or however you spell it!) and we talked. And a bit more. He stopped by the house last week and that was fun. He called me Sunday to explain why he wasn't at church when he said he was going to. That really blew me away. I mean, I was totally not expecting it, it was so not necessary (but totally cool & sweet) cause it's not like we're really together or anything. I mean, he doesn't owe me an explanation, right? Does that make sense? He had gone to see his brother Saturday (which he called to tell me he was going to do, so re-read previous statements, they apply here too) and just decided to hang out until Sunday.
Of course, I missed him, but I kinda figured that's what had happened. So double my surprise that he called and didn't want me to be worried. It is getting to where we do communicate in some form every day. Not sure what that means, or where it will take us, but I know sometimes it is hard to keep with this I'm going to take it slow thing. But mostly, it has been good, and fun to do it.
006 had his Christmas program yesterday, Bob drove up to see it and joined us for supper. Weird to have him in my space. Like we're a family again, almost, but not. We drove together. Weird too. But the boys enjoyed it. 006 almost didn't go. He's not been feeling well since he came back, small cough and cold. And he was tired, you could just see it in his face. I found him (while I was cooking supper) in his bed with the covers up over his head. He was mostly asleep, poor guy! But he did go, had a great time, and they did FANTASTIC! It's always so much fun to watch!
I had both my cameras there. Got 1 shot from the DSLR, then the battery died. Dang! Whipped out the Nikon P&S, wouldn't even turn on the batteries were sooo dead. Bob used his iPhone camera. Not the best, but better than nothing. It made my little hard sooo sad. He was sooo stinkin' cute and right on the front row!
My mom & dad were both there. That made my heart do cartwheels. She doesn't get around very well so I was completely surprised she was there. I knew dad was going to be. I think she liked it. It's hard to tell sometimes. She has therapy this AM, so I'm waiting until this PM to go visit.
006 also has a doctor's appointment today to figure out what the weird growth is on his toe. Probably just a wart, but it's on the side of his big toe & it rubs on his shoe and is VERY painful. And starting tomorrow, they want to go back to riding the bus in the AM. I still want to pick them up in the PMs as it just makes things go smoother, not as much rushing. Which I hate rushing, but seem to do it all the time... go figure!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
New Upload to Flickr
Family,
Got some more pictures of the boys & family posted to Flickr, you can check here …. Oh, also Wabash-ites, there are some more of those too….
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Project uploaded...
Ooops, goofed and uploaded this Kindgergarten project over on the company site instead of here, you can check it out....
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Planet 51 Review
We saw the preview for this movie when we went to see Where the Wild Things Are and both boys (& me) thought it looked funny. When it came here to the cornfields we decided to go see it. For some reason (tired maybe) 006 freaked out! Didn't want to go, it wasn't at the Eagles and he did not want to go to Huntington. We missed the showing. Luckily Marion had another one & we did make that one. And of course he loved it. Won't admit to it, but he did. There were a couple scenes as a parent that mildly disturbed me, but overall, it was a wonderful movie, and a really cool re-do on the classic alien invasion theme. The names are also clever, the only one I can remember right now is Lem (Lunar Escape Module) but there were others that were of a similar nature. Computer animation just continues to improve beyond my wildest imaginations. I remember when Toy Story first came out (the first one, like a million years ago) and I remember even then how incredible it was. They just continue to push the edge of the envelope and continue to deliver spot on.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
More uploads to Flickr
Hey everyone, I just finished up another batch to Flickr, you can see here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ I also created some collections as the sets are getting numerous and hard to travel, so to speak. Roudebushs – there are a few that you would be interested in, Poole/Stouts – there are more there for you. Enjoy & love you all! M
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