Monday Mania

With the boys being home, I thought it would be a fun activity to do the Christmas cards together.  It was fun for about an hour.  Then everyone's patience got pretty thin.  But we managed to pull it off & except for a few stragglers, they are done & ready to go in the mail.

Then we curled up with a bowl of popcorn & watched AntZ.  It has a PG rating, but honestly I am not sure how it got it as it is very sex-undertoned & has the words "bitching", "hell", and "damn" in it.  Now, call me a prude, but if it is meant for kids, I don't think these things need to be there.  I liked the message that you need to think for yourself & not just follow orders, I also think you could achieve that without the 4 things mentioned above.

On the personal front, the wrestler & I have really cooled it.  We are back to just being friends.  Yesterday at church, he sat down next to me, followed by 000's mom.  I just about lost it.  Actually, I did lose it.  I left for a while because I couldn't handle it.  Weak, I know, I'm weak.  I talked a lot to Jilly about it later.  She agrees with me that it is the right thing to do, but she also agreed with how much it would feel like rejection.  I mean, it's such a guy line to say "oh, I value our friendship too much" as the reason for calling things off.  Sad thing is, I know he's sincere.  She told me I have to tell him how I feel, that he deserves to know (huh, the therapist & Pastor Kay have been saying the same thing all along.).  That I need to tell him I love him.  What?!?! When did it become that, I ask her.  She said, why do you think it hurts so much.  It doesn't when it's not love.  Hadn't thought about it that way, but I know she's right.  I know it all the way down to my bones.  That is how I feel about him.  Great, now I''m frakked.  I love a guy who doesn't love me.  Or at least I don't think he does.  Oh, and he asked about the job interview again.  Why does he have to remember stuff about me & then ask.  I've never had anyone do that.

After church he sends me a message wanting to know if I'm OK, he's worried.  I guess I should say that during service I wrote a little "can we talk later" note in the bulletin & he said yes.  So I just told him I needed to talk to him & it needed to be in person.  He said OK & then I didn't hear from him.  I said it needed to be soon, that I was picking the boys up.  Still didn't hear from him.

On the way to Kokomo, he calls & I just tell him I need to be honest with him.  He said "have you not been?"  "No, I have, but I need to be more honest".  Not sure what that means & he said OK, he'd figure out how.  Later, he messages and says "just tell me, I can take it".  So I send back "I know you can, or hope you can, but I need to say it to your face, I've waited too long as it is."  As I'm getting to Kokomo, he calls and says "I just feel like you're gonna drop a bomb on me.  You're not pregnant are you?"  "No, no bomb, no I'm not pregnant".  "Do you hate me, Shelly?"  "No, I don't hate you, just the opposite."  Wow, I can't even believe he's worried about that.  I'm the one who worries about that.  I tell him that I really want to do it in person but if he really wants to do it over the phone, then fine.  I'm losing it.  I say "I love you.  I've loved you for a long time.  I don't even know how long (well, I do, 22 years!).  I told you I wasn't good with this FWB thing, and I'm not with you because I got attached, I wanted more". I told him the whole story of when we met for coffee & I thought I had a chance then, but they got back together so I started dating the recruiter.  How he called me to say they were getting married & it broke my heart but I tried to do the good friend thing and say that I was happy when inside I was screaming no.  How I dated the recruiter for 15 months to get over him, to get him out of my head & heart but it didn't work.  Because whenever I was with the recruiter I was always thinking about how I wanted to be with him. How then I finally thought I was getting my chance and then he said he wanted to stop that it felt like rejection & then today to see her with him was just more than what I could take...

And he just breaks down, says he's so sorry he hurt me, that's why he called it off, he didn't want to hurt anybody.  That he's just not in a good place to be "the one" for anyone.  He apologizes for being irresponsible with my heart.  I tell him that I don't blame him, it's my fault, I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. That he doesn't want to go around sowing his wild oats again.  That he just wants to concentrate on his son.  That it will probably be years before he's ready to date again. That he's trying to be a friend to her.  They aren't romantic, no kissing, sex, etc.  That he's trying to support her by bringing her to church, but if it's going to cause me to stop going to church (which I never said) he would not do it.  I told him I didn't want him to change who he is (he is very caring & sensitive & thoughtful, sometimes too much) that I respected him doing that.  That I thought it was admirable.  Which I do.  That I just got to where I wanted to do things that I wasn't supposed to want to do (hold his hand, touch him in public, kiss him in public, see more & more of him).  That I looked forward to hearing from him every day (and I didn't tell him how disappointed I was when I don't). "Well, Shelly, that's not going to stop!".  Wow, but now my heart is going to break every time.

I have all these stupid girl fantasies that I know are never going to come true.  But yet they still run through my head.  Sometimes I want to cut my brain out so I won't think them any more.  That is how much they plague me.

I'm bawling.  Apologize for not doing this very well.  He says it's OK, I'm doing fine.  He wants to know what I want from him/expect from him.  Just that you be perfectly honest with me & clear.  "I don't know if you have feelings for me, have ever, or will ever and maybe you don't know the answer right now, but when you figure it out, I need to know".

He wants to know if I'll be OK.  I lie and say yes.  That one way or the other it will all work out.  Which that part is not a a lie.  But I am not OK.  I'm the farthest away from OK.  I want to crawl in a hole and die.  I knew he would not profess his love for me, but there I go (again) baring my heart & soul to someone.  Do I feel better for getting it out?  I suppose so, on some level.  And I know that I don't know any other way to play it but to put all your cards on the table.  I've never really known how to hold back.  He says he'll call me tomorrow to see how I'm doing.  WTF?

I just dumped all of that out there & you don't want to run for the hills?  I don't get this guy.  So yes, this morning he messages to see if I want to have lunch.  Oh, wow.  I'm not sure I can go through with it.  But I make arrangements for the boys & I drive over to Marion to meet him at Steak & Shake.  I'm not hungry, I'm a bundle of nerves.  But I get the Chicken Walnut salad. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I remember what he tastes like.  But he shows up right after me & smiles that big smile of his that goes all the way to his eyes and then it goes all the way to my heart.

We talk, about stupid stuff.  My first husband, the boyfriend that I cheated on him with.  Some of the stupid, crazy stuff I've done that I'm not proud of. About Bob. About commitment. About how hard is it really to chose what's right for your family over what you "want" to do.  He asked me if it were ever really hard for me to make those decisions, and I said no, because I'll always do what's right for my family.  He said "exactly".  Which I know he's the same way.  You make a promise, a commitment, a covenant and you keep it.  Period. "Cause" he said "why would you want to fuck over the person you love, that loves you?".  Exactly.  Because sometimes, my friends, life really is that simple.

I tell him all men are the same.  He laughs and says he's glad I'm comfortable enough with him to say that. Well, maybe not you, but I don't know yet.  But then I said, "don't get me wrong, all women are the same too".  Which that is an over-generalization too.

And before I know it, it's time for him to go back to work.  Yes, he asked about the interview again!  He said "they're fucking idiots if they don't hire you."  Yes, I have to admit, that is both of ours' favorite word. OK, so I just don't get him.  And next time, I need to do more of the asking & listening, and less of the talking.  Because, yes, I do think there will be a next time.  Because there has to be something on his side of it, or else wouldn't he just be freaked out by everything I had said to him & he could have just cut bait & ran as fast as he could away? Or am I just spinning one of those fantasies again?  Let me know what you think...

Interview update: they asked me to round 2....