It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

....but not feel much like it.  Last week, it seemed as though the boys & I mostly fought.  Or they mostly fought.  Lots of fighting.  And yelling.  I told myself I wasn't going to go back to the yelling habit so it really upset me to realize I had been.  Promised them, and me, I would be stopping.

Wednesday at the doctor was, well, not so much fun.  It was a wart on 006's toe.  She did not recommend the freezing since it takes several times and is not always effective.  Wish I had known that with 008.  Oh well.  She recommended burning.  OK, now you can start the insane 6 year old freak out video track in your head & then multiply it by 10.  There, that should give you an idea of what it was like.  008 was very helpful & schlepped all of our stuff over to the other room for me while I carried the writhing octopus, I mean, 6 year old to the room.  They do numb it first, they got him talking about Pokemon and then wouldn't you know it, he was fine.  Walking out to the car though, there was the expected mixture of tears and pouting, at just the right levels, that scored them both a frosty at !endy's.  That made it all better.  008 said he didn't like Wendy's (apparently not my child after all!) but said he might have to reconsider after the frosty because it was very tasty. Burger King is better because their burgers are square.  I told him so are Wendy's.  I like BK's fries better, he fires back. What?! Definitely can't be mine, Wendy's fries are sooo much better.  But BK does have yummy onion rings.  We agree to disagree.

Thursday Bob came up to take them out to supper (like all the way here) so that I could go to choir practice.  He was out of town on Wednesday.  Our Christmas program is Sunday & we're so not ready.  But I think it will get there.  The wrestler's mom is the choir director.  He looks so much like her that at times I find it hard to look at her. She asks me if I would mind coming into the house on Friday to help her get ready because not only is Sunday the Christmas program, but 000 is being dedicated (we don't do infant baptisms, but we dedicate them.  It is more of a commitment on the parental side to bring up the child in the church) and so since everyone is going to be in town, they are deciding to do the family Christmas too & the house is a wreck, massive cooking, etc.  So I tell her that yes I will help.

Friday I help fold laundry, run the vacuum, make beds and then go pack at FISH.  Then I go back and do more vacuuming, get all the candles working in the windows (they own a beautiful brick colonial so there are lots of windows on the streetfront) and wrap presents.  And she's so sweet, that even though they are not together anymore, she still invites 000's mom & gets her presents, and for her other kids too.  And I'm wrapping them.  How twisted is that?

When I am done, I leave and go pick up the boys. Bring them home, hang & eat supper. Then grampa comes over to take them swimming in Peru, where his Y is.  They like his Y because it has a hot tub and a sauna.  And they shower many times.  I do not understand this, but this is the routine with grampa.  They love it.  Then he takes them to DQ for blizzards, because there is nothing like a sugar rush right before going to bed.

And me, what do I do while they are gone?  I watch Farscape, cause I'm totally in love with Ben Browder.  First found him on SG-1.  He's to die for.  He's married, dang-it!  And then because it's a sappy, love one.  I get mad.  And honestly, I've been mad all week. Mad at Bob and mad at life, mad at loosing my job, mad that my business isn't taking off fast enough, mad at the wrestler, mad at my parents.  So I rant and I rail at God, the universe and the Christmas Tree.  I'm guessing only 1 of those really listens.....

I should mention that the wrestler told me 000's mom was going to be at the dedication & he was touched.  I asked him if he was being sarcastic & he said no, he really wants to be friends with her.  And before you go off yelling at me, I know he should be & I applaud that.  But the scared, selfish little part of me doesn't want her there because whenever she is there then he doesn't even acknowledge I exist. And so know I think he hates me and never wants to talk to me & I get mad that he would do that.  I know, it didn't really happen and it was all made up in my head, but be honest, you've done that too.

And I tell him that Bob is going to be there & he says "well, if nothing else, Sunday will be interesting".  To say the least.  I also told him I was nervous about singing in the choir for the first time in front of people.  He said I'd do fine.

So back to being mad.  I really just gave up hope.  I mean, what is the point of hope anyway.  You want something, wish for something, hope for something, pray for something.  And then you get it, and you think your life is wonderful, and then someone decides to make a piss-poor decision and wham, it's gone.  Like that.  So what is the point? So you can be hurt again and again and again? No thank you, I said.  I'm tired of hoping that he's going to see me as a possibility.  Tired of having feelings for him.  Tired of wanting something I'm never going to have, or if I do, will just be taken away from me again. So I'm ranting about how I don't want the feelings anymore, they aren't going anywhere, they don't serve a purpose, etc.  And I'm crying.  Rivers, buckets.  And then I gotta stop cause I don't want my dad to see me like that.

The boys get home, I get them to bed, and I don't remember what I did for the rest of the night, I think worked on my mom's pictures.

Saturday, we got up, went to church and did our practice.  I put the manger up on the bulletin board.  It looks too small.Gotta do something else to go with it.  When we got back, we started cleaning up their rooms.  Every year before birthdays & Christmas we go through toys and decide what to donate & what to keep.  They also wanted to rearrange, so I figured it would be a good time to do it.  So we pulled everything but the furniture out into my room and started sorting.  Took a break for lunch, went back to sorting.  I was amazed at what they did.  One recycling tub full of paper to recycle, trash can full of trash, 2 huge boxes to donate & 1 small box of stuff that belonged "elsewhere" in the house.  Wow!  Totally blown away.

Sometime during the day I checked my phone.  He had sent me a message at like 2:30 that morning.  What?!?  Does he really think about me at 2:30?  So I had messaged back wow you're up early, have a good time at Christmas today, but didn't hear anything back from him all day.  He was busy so I wasn't really expecting anything.

We watched Harry Potter #3 after cleaning up the room, as a reward, with yummy butter popcorn.  Really good movie, stays true to the book, except for leaving things out which always drives me crazy.  Then we ate supper, took our bath & read Harry Potter #4.  Got them upstairs to bed, and learned they had been scrubbing the walls with their toothbrushes instead of their teeth.  Oh, I lost it!  Normally probably wouldn't have bothered me too much, but remember I've been itching for a fight all week.

It culminated into 008 saying he's the worst son ever & me feeling like I'm the worst mom ever. So I told him I forgave him scrubbing the wall and maybe he could forgive me for yelling.  I told him in 10 years we will laugh at him scrubbing the walls but we probably wouldn't laugh at me yelling.

Sunday I told them it was the 1 day I COULD NOT be late.  We were late.  Drove me crazy.  Tried not to yell.  Told them that I really dislike yelling, they do too and that I was going to try and stop.  But that they play a part too and need to listen.  But I'm feeling extremely guilty for yelling because this is the day they go to their dad's and I don't want their last memory of us together to be of me yelling. Sigh.

And he messaged me again Saturday night at 11:30.  Go figure.  I really don't get it.  I mean, I do, he's got a lot to figure out too.  But does he think of me, and does he think of me the way I think of him?  Who knows?!?! But I know I want him to....

Baby dedication goes off without a hitch.  It was really weird to have Bob there.  He's NEVER been at that church before.  The boys are sitting with him which is good since I'm up front with the choir.  Weird to see the wrestler, with baby, her & her kids together.  Like a family, but not.  And me thinking, "could I be happy for him if he were somehow able to put it together as a family?"  I would like to think I'm the kind of person who could.  I would try.

And then we sing.  And my friend Jilly Bean smiles at me & that makes the world better.  And he smiles at me again and that helps too.  After service, I help get Bob get the boys squared away so they can leave.  And I visit with my parents, who were able to make it, and that makes the world a bit better too.  And I talk with Jilly and that helps.  And I got to see Monika, a friend who just got back from basic, and she looks good.  And talk with her mom.  And the church is thinning out.  And then he stops by with the baby, and we talk for just a minute.  And I pet 000 & tell him how lucky he is. And then they leave.

And you know what, if he didn't send me a message as I was driving to the bank.  I accidentally called him when I tried to message back and so we actually talked for a bit.  Talked about how he doesn't like blue, but likes hardy colors (we were talking about why he chose the outfit he did from the 2 his mom had gotten, the other one was baby blue.  Oops, come to think of it, the mini book I made him was baby blue.  Strike 1 for me!), he really wanted to put him in a skull & crossbones shirt.  Funny.  Talked about how it can be hard to have anything more than a superficial conversation with Bob for me.  Then he needed to go have lunch with his folks.

So I came back here and watched some more farscape, took a nap, started working on some stuff, scanning, and he messages me to ask me what I'm doing later.  He invites me in to watch TV later.  I work on mom's pictures for awhile.  And then fix a boo boo because I forgot to send one of the boys' medications with them.  So I get it filled down there.

Then it's time to go in.  And he's in shorts and a hoodie.  Just hanging out drinking a beer.  So we watch snowboarding for awhile, which is totally cool.  We talk about stuff, nothing kind of stuff, you know. And we make out.  Cause we're both really keyed up.  It's fun.  And then we watch more TV.  And then he starts falling asleep because it's late.  So I leave and he says to call him later this week.

And he messages me early this AM.  He's tired still.  Gonna take off early.  Asks about my interview.  So we chat for a bit, he says he thinks I'm gonna get it because I'm smart & they'd be stupid not to hire me.  He knows I know this, but it's sweet that he tells me.  And then later this afternoon he messages me again to see how it goes.  Told him I've not heard from them yet.  He says to be sure to tell him.  That is so sweet too.  I promise him I will.  What is this?!?! I DON'T want to hope, but what is this?  I know, I really need to talk to him about it, but I think he's still too busy sorting stuff out & besides, how do you know when enough time has passed for it to be appropriate to talk about feelings?  What do you think?

And while typing this, I'm also working on a new Winter alphabet for the shop, and baking cookies (from the dough that I made last Thursday for Friday's cookie exchange I didn't go to because I was helping) for the Longest Night service we're having at 1900 tonight.  And laundry.  And vacuuming.  And why do I feel like I get nothing done?  That's craziness!