August 2011 Flickr Upload

As always, you can see the full stream here… http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
And for my favorites….
Camp Day at Church… they both had to talk about their experiences there.  So did I.  It was hard for me to remember back that far!

New Pedi… don’t you love the 2 colors?  Perfect for when you can’t decide!

Fall open house… 007 starting 4^th Grade!

Ducati Toes!

Whyte Horse Winery in Monticello, IN.  Wonderful place, beautiful people, yummy wines!

It is in an old farmhouse

I always see him from the back, but even then, he’s so sexy! I love how you can also see just a peek of me in the mirror.

And since T&J were with us, it was so wonderful to get some shots of us TOGETHER!

See the full gallery on Posterous

What I wouldn't Give

I love this song… not sure it entirely fits this post, but my gosh this is my life and I don’t know how many times I’ve been silently screaming wondering if anyone heard what I was trying to say…

First off, I should say, this post will be very long, and spiritual and exposing, so if you’re not OK with that, then you probably should just stop reading right now.  But if you are OK with that, then I appreciate your grace, love & understanding as I travel this journey.

Last Monday was my first counseling session for a month.  From before Christmas to after New Year’s. I know that sounds like a small deal, but for someone who has been going religiously every week for over a year, and then every other week for over another year, this is huge.  I have come to look forward to my time with Cheryl as she tries to help me sort out my tangled mess of a life.  So anyway, it was good, and weird to be back.  Sometimes when I have been away from someplace for a while, I feel those old walls coming back.  Separating, not being as open, holding back; some could label it as just being private, but there is an uncomfortableness to it all.  And I was feeling that on Monday.  A bit exposed & vulnerable and definitely not liking it.  We discussed the holidays & what all had (and had not) transpired and such.  And I was feeling just generally down & stuck & without hope.  Part of this, I am sure is the holiday let-down.  Part of it I know is winter.  And part of it, I know is just Me.  Just that ever-lingering voice that says “you are never going to be what you want to be, you are never going to have what you want to have, it is never going to happen ever”.  And it plays over & over in my head like a really bad broken record.  And I am just generally fed up with it.  I want to be what I want to be, I want to have what I want to have, and I want IT to happen.  Is that so wrong, is that so presumptuous of me, does that make me an awful, ungrateful person?  Am I not allowed to have hopes & dreams & desires and…. And this is the big part… and then to actually HAVE some of them happen?  Or do I just get to have hopes & dreams & desires and never see them realized?

And I know a lot of this makes me sound like a sniveling, ungrateful child.  I know that.  I know I am blessed beyond belief.  I have 2 absolutely wonderful, amazing boys.  They try so hard to be good & helpful & sweet & loving.  I have a loving father who would do anything for me, and 2 brothers & a sister & nephew who are the same.  And a wildly huge extended family that I could call at any point.  I have a house to live in that is a good, old house.  I can pay my bills every week, with extra left over to save or to have fun with.  We never go without food.  I have a nice car to transport me anywhere I want to go, easily & in comfort, I never lack for gas money.  I am talented and have many hobbies that challenge me.  I have a great job where I am useful & work with some amazing people.  I am loved by the most amazing man on the face of this planet.  And I have faith in an awesome God.  I KNOW all these things.  I BELIEVE all these things. And yet… and yet I lack one thing.

And it seems trivial and silly and stupid to even mention it.  I don’t like to complain.  I’m not complaining, nor do I mean to be ungrateful.  It really should be enough.  But I want one thing more.  One thing that I want more than anything.  One thing that I am so fearful I will never get. One thing that I’m not sure he or He can or will give me.  Maybe it’s both of them, maybe it is only one of them.  How long do I wait, why do I care, things are good now.  They are good now.  So why do I care?

So we talked a lot about giving over to God.  What have I given to God. No, not just tithing, I do OK with that.  But what parts of my life do I trust God to take care of.  Wow, probably none of them.  I’m not big on trust.  Trust is hard.  Not been able to trust people, mostly.  Just a few. So for my “homework” I am supposed to list off all the areas of my life.  Specifically areas that I don’t think I’ve truly turned over to God & that I am somehow still trying to control; so basically all of them…

·        Daughterhood – My relationship with my dad.  Especially post-Mom’s passing.  It has been a struggle & I just don’t know how to relate to him anymore.  I don’t want to be her substitute.  I know I am not, but sometimes it feels like I am.

·        Sisterhood – My relationships with my brothers & sister-in-law, do I do a good job supporting them?

·        Victim - especially in terms of the abuse I suffered as a child, and now being an adult & how it impacts every aspect of my life.

·        Motherhood – How good of a job I am at raising my boys to be caring, compassionate, serving, spirit-led adults.  Who are also able to take care of themselves & not be dependent on someone else for their existence & validation.

·        Love life – My relationship to Gadget, which is phenomenal.  It is the best relationship I have had – ever! But specifically in dealing with my “wants” and impatience.

·        Spiritual life – My relationship with the big guy upstairs, what is lacking & needing improvement.

·        Work life – Am I demonstrating God’s love & serving others properly, while at the same time not being taken advantage of (this is probably a good point for all aspects of my life)

·        BenzillaScrapping – Will it work? Will I achieve what I want with it (being a full-time artist & being able to feed my family)

·        Hobbies & Free time – Do I get the proper balance between work & life?

·        Bills – Will I have the financial means to not worry about if I can pay them or not? Am I a good steward?

·        Home ownership – Will I have the knowledge, or the ability to gain the proper knowledge to be a good steward?

·        Friends – Do a devote enough time to them? Do they know how important/critical they are to me?

·        Church Family – Do I give them enough of my time/resources?

·        Community – Am I giving back?

·        Singing – I just love singing, I want to do it more, I want to be good at it.

·        Are there other areas?

This Sunday Pater Kay delivered the message based on “Who do you think you are?” and man did this really hit home.  I mean, I know the party line “you are a wonderfully made, a loved creature of God”.  Yea.  Right.  So why did so many bad things happen to me when I was younger?  Why do so many discouraging things happen to me now?  “I have good plans for you, never to harm”… uhh, yea, sure.  These are very tough statements for me to believe in & to have faith in.  For most of my life, I have just come to the understanding that this is true for everyone EXCEPT me.  Because life has taught me elsewise.  Life has taught me “you shouldn’t ever complain; that isn’t how you feel; you shouldn’t speak up, you have no right to; I couldn’t resist; you are limiting me; who do you think you are?; what gives you the right?; sit down & shut up; you are worthless; you don’t matter to anyone; no one is ever going to love you like that; you aren’t worth defending & protecting; you are a silly little girl with silly little feelings; I can do with you/to you what I want, no one is going to stop me; you aren’t worth it; when I’m done with you I’ll just move on; you are boring; you will never achieve your dreams; you aren’t smart enough; you are ugly; you are fat; you are here only for my amusement & pleasure” and the voices go on.  I know the first part of this paragraph is supposed to negate them.  That I am a child of God, I am His child, I am beautifully & wonderfully made, that He has only good plans for me, that He will care for me more than the flowers of the field and the birds of the air… and yet I let the other voices drown that out & “be right”.  I not only listen to them, but I believe them.  In fact, I know them so well, they are so familiar they are almost comforting.  They are sultry and sly and sneaky & seductive.  They are hard to resist.  I know I need to change the playlist, but I am not sure how.  Which is why I am in therapy to begin with.

Because come the end of the day, we ARE who we THINK we are.  Perception IS reality.  So I know I NEED to change my thinking.  I need to BELIEVE that I am wonderfully & fearfully made.  I need to have FAITH that he has great plans for me.  So every day, it is a new commitment to try and put Him in charge of these areas of my life.  To realize He is the one that sits on the throne, not me.  That I can try and control stuff, but obviously I am not so good at it.  My track record stinks.  I would not hire me for life management given my current resume.  But if He can love the prostitute and the tax collector and turn their life around; if He can heal the leper & cast out the demons, surely he can do that for me, someone who is a mix of all of that?  I am a lost sheep looking for a shepherd.  But, sheep generally do not find their shepherd, it is the shepherd who finds and saves them, am I willing to let go & allow myself to be saved?  It is a big leap of faith, an enormous amount of trust.  It is very scary for me.  Experience tells me I will be disappointed & fall flat on my face & end up hurt – again.  Scripture says I will be rewarded.

Who do I believe? Who should I believe?

July 2011 Flickr Upload

July was also a very busy picture month… you can see the whole feed here…..  http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/
…and here are some of my favorites…

016 helped us clean out the shed… I think it looks much better, but of course it could stand to be done again!

011 at his 4^th year at Camp Mack, I think.  Wow, that’s a lot!  He loves it & really enjoys the time that he gets to be just him.

And he got to enjoy some yummy ice cream in Milford!

The demo derby is starting to become one of our “things”

I love me a good Japanese Steak house.  It was sooo yummy!

Canoeing with the kids, always a fun time!

Good place to rent canoes on the Pine River in Michigan

I totally dug this! Someone had made it on one of the little jutting out spots along the river…

Me goofing off trying to show how my water shoes match my shirt.  Apparently I’m not as flexible as I used to be….

D goofing off using his new GoPro

D trying to help me shoot left-handed, we found out the equipment was really made for a right-hander…

My superstar!  Love that 007!

And his first year at Camp, now he totally loves it too!

Dashing through the snow...

Well, I do not have a one-horse open sleigh, or even a horse for that matter, nor has the weather been all that friendly to being outside.  For any reason.  The wind is gone, and for that I am extremely grateful.  It also proves the point that my house needs more isolation.  However, I am just stating a fact, not complaining.  I am very thankful that I had a house to give me shelter, even if it wasn’t as cozy as I would like.  But snuggled down under the blankies it really wasn’t so bad.
Last Sunday I took the boys to go see The Hobbit after Gadget had to return home.  Wow, it has been like 30 years since I read that book & I was surprised at what I did and did not remember.  And of course, they’ve changed the story a bit for Hollywood.  Overall, I thought it was a very good story, and the boys super-enjoyed it.  I had NO IDEA they were making it into parts though, so imagine my surprise when it ended with Smog waking up… Oh that might be a spoiler if you’ve not gone to see it. Sorry.
Last night started my 4 day weekend, yea!  I wrapped presents, watched TV and read LOTR.  The boys were at dad’s house, getting some grampa time, and being warmer, I am sure.  So the DVR got cleaned off a bit, which is always a good thing, presents are under the tree, save the 1 that I am having trouble with because the clay doesn’t want to stay together, and I read (well fell asleep trying!) more out of the Lord of the Rings.  I am afraid it will take me forever, but I have finished The Fellowship and started the Two Towers.  For those of you that don’t know, it’s actually like 6 books all together so to call it a trilogy isn’t really accurate.  Just the movie is.  And I am pleased that it is far more engaging for me at 40+ than it was when I was 14.  I guess that is the way of the world.  Having the movie has really helped it to come alive in my head.  Normally, I prefer reading the book first, but this is one time when I’m glad I had broken that rule.  I introduced the boys to the movie a couple months ago & they fell in love with it.  I’m sure we’ll need to watch it a few more times before it all really starts making sense to them.  I won’t mind.
Gadget comes down today, and due to some bad weather & family sickness, we will be having the combined Thanksgiving & Christmas tomorrow, 12/23, instead of today.  I’ve spoken briefly with Kelli & am delighted to hear she is feeling better. I am saddened that she has been laid off (again) but knowing that she is super-smart & a wonderful woman, I know it will not be long before she sets out on a new adventure.  After Dad’s house, we will make the trek up to Battle Creek for Gadget’s gramma’s celebration, some time with friends, and some time with all the kids.  It should be quite exciting & entertaining.  I hope they all like their gifts!
Well, I must get busy and see if I can fix a clay plane before fetching my sprouts.  Merry Christmas to all, and in Christ’s name I wish you the most blessed holiday.  Don’t forget to squeeze all your loved ones extra tight.

June 2011 Flickr Upload

I suppose that June makes up for the light picture month of May.  This is was the month we went on vacation, and Gadget let us borrow his cabin to do it.  We spent a wonderful week in upstate Michigan & had several park adventures to boot.  There were MANY here, so the full feed is here http://www.flickr.com/photos/81154606@N00/ but I have several in this post, so thanks if you make it all the way to the end!

010 Sporting his new helmet so he can go on Warren’s Ride this year…This thing is pretty awesome,  it has a built-in sun visor ala Star Wars blast shield style!

My new helmet that my baby found for me at Lifecycle in KZoo

008 with his new helmet too.

010 on the street carnie ride we found.  008 was petrified & crying almost the whole time until he was on the ground.  I felt so bad for him.

What he really wanted to win at the carnie

Some sidewalk art I found on the porch.  I thought it was so cute!

Kalamazoo Air Zoo – Awesome place to take kids!

Gartlett’s Corners breakfast.  It is phenomenal.  Corner of M37 & 55, it’s worth the drive….

Crystal Mountain Ski resort.  They have a really cool slalom ride you can do in the summer.

008 & my feet.  Love it….

Gadget & Ben.  Two of my favorite guy-folk.  I was so thankful he was able to join us for a couple of days.

Getting drinks on the terrace after the slalom rides.  Not the best picture of any of us, but it is the best picture.

Making hobo dinners.  They actually turned out not so good.  We learned a bit how to make them better next time.

Put-Putting in Traverse City…Pirate’s Cove

Go-carting at the cove.  One of my favorites!

The water slide.  Gadget got a bit wet after I said he wouldn’t.  We had to go buy shorts after.  It was actually pretty chilly.

At the cherry store.  Yummy!

We took a foggy drive to the lake one day.  Ended up in Manistee and got new books and stopped at a coffee shop.

My mom has this same shot of my younger brother Eric, at Dutch Village in Holland.  I couldn’t resist!

010 took mine too!

008 playing in the shoe-house

This thing was pretty cool, we all liked it!
Miles on the car – wow!  That was when we got back.

Park in Westfield, we could do obstacle courses.
010 and his dad at Warren’s Ride.

008 and Gadget at Warren’s Ride.

More obstacle courses….

Goofing off & having fun!

See the full gallery on Posterous

See the full gallery on Posterous

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girl's heart?  Oh, what a great song! Click here to hear the song...  Somewhere, I think we lost our amazing ability to be artists; songwriters.  Now, so much of everything is made in the studio & just well, manufactured.  It's a shame I think...

So not much has happened since the last time I wrote...I did not drive up to Battle Creek last weekend, Gadget had to work Saturday.  That was unusual.  At the new plant he's not suppose to have to do overtime anymore. And he does again this Saturday.  But I don't care.  I'm going to go up & see him anyway.  He didn't really ask me to, I just want to.  Maybe I should have waited to see if he would have.  I never know what the right answer is.

We had our WES girl's Christmas party at the log cabin show house this past Wednesday.  That was  a lot of fun.  It really gives me a chance to put faces to the names & voices.  It's funny how without that there is not the same connection as when you do have the visual.  They are super sweet women & oh my the food is delicious!  They even liked my cards for the white elephant game, and they got "stolen"! I couldn't believe it!  I was thinking of making up a little package of them for the other girls that were wanting some.

I'm now the Service Manager at work.  It's OK.  But it means I'm in charge of the oldy moldy tickets.  The ones that linger & no one can get fixed.  I don't have to fix them, just find someone who will.  So I'm in charge of the customer satisfaction piece. And the productivity/performance part.  Making sure we schedule enough time for each task and that we have the right person doing it.  It's hard getting extracted from the actual doing part.  But it is slowly happening.

And we're getting a new phone system.  It was installed last night.  I'm nervous & scared to death.  I hate phones.  Well, they scare me. I'm always pushing the wrong buttons and I can't ever remember how to do certain functions.  So it should be interesting this AM.  But overall, I think it will be better for us.  Better able to control how the calls flow in & get them assistance.  And maybe reduce stress a bit for the staff too.  I'll keep you posted...

Christmas shopping is nearly done  011 wants money for a new laptop, 009 wants Legos & DS games.  Money for the nephew.  Gift cards for everyone else.  Well, I'm getting cigars & some whisky for Gadget, and probably making him a  little something, C I have no idea what to get, S is getting a mini album of her Europe trip this summer as well as a replacement bottle of champagne.  That's a long story...D I'm trying to get a metal print of him doing the DRE at Mugello Italy track.  It's gonna be really cool, I think.  So I also need to get for his Mom and Gramma but have no clue!  I'll keep you posted on that too...

Let's try to remember though, I realize this is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" it is not for a lot of people.  That there is a lot of pain and sadness that surfaces as well.  Suicide rates actually increase during the holidays.  If we can all be that loving hand & heart of Christ, who knows who's life it could make a difference in?

Well, the munchkins are up & in the shower so I suppose I need to go start getting ready so I can pack & whatnot too!

May 2011 Flickr Upload

Apparently May was a slow picture volume month!  It was the end of school, and the start of summer.  009 was in fourth grade and here in Indiana, they have an Indiana History class, where of course, they learn all about Indiana.  His class did a program on all the famous people from Indiana, and he was chosen to be James Dean.  He had to research about his life, and I helped him create his poster board.  I think he did a pretty bang-up job! It was awesome to get to go to this during the day and watch it. It is one of the hardest things about being a working mom is still finding the time during the workday to be mom.
007, with one of his art projects on display in the hallway.

And 009 also won several awards for Math and Reading that year.  I was so proud of him & I was glad again, that I could get the time away from work to see it.

See the full gallery on Posterous