What I wouldn't Give

I love this song… not sure it entirely fits this post, but my gosh this is my life and I don’t know how many times I’ve been silently screaming wondering if anyone heard what I was trying to say…

First off, I should say, this post will be very long, and spiritual and exposing, so if you’re not OK with that, then you probably should just stop reading right now.  But if you are OK with that, then I appreciate your grace, love & understanding as I travel this journey.

Last Monday was my first counseling session for a month.  From before Christmas to after New Year’s. I know that sounds like a small deal, but for someone who has been going religiously every week for over a year, and then every other week for over another year, this is huge.  I have come to look forward to my time with Cheryl as she tries to help me sort out my tangled mess of a life.  So anyway, it was good, and weird to be back.  Sometimes when I have been away from someplace for a while, I feel those old walls coming back.  Separating, not being as open, holding back; some could label it as just being private, but there is an uncomfortableness to it all.  And I was feeling that on Monday.  A bit exposed & vulnerable and definitely not liking it.  We discussed the holidays & what all had (and had not) transpired and such.  And I was feeling just generally down & stuck & without hope.  Part of this, I am sure is the holiday let-down.  Part of it I know is winter.  And part of it, I know is just Me.  Just that ever-lingering voice that says “you are never going to be what you want to be, you are never going to have what you want to have, it is never going to happen ever”.  And it plays over & over in my head like a really bad broken record.  And I am just generally fed up with it.  I want to be what I want to be, I want to have what I want to have, and I want IT to happen.  Is that so wrong, is that so presumptuous of me, does that make me an awful, ungrateful person?  Am I not allowed to have hopes & dreams & desires and…. And this is the big part… and then to actually HAVE some of them happen?  Or do I just get to have hopes & dreams & desires and never see them realized?

And I know a lot of this makes me sound like a sniveling, ungrateful child.  I know that.  I know I am blessed beyond belief.  I have 2 absolutely wonderful, amazing boys.  They try so hard to be good & helpful & sweet & loving.  I have a loving father who would do anything for me, and 2 brothers & a sister & nephew who are the same.  And a wildly huge extended family that I could call at any point.  I have a house to live in that is a good, old house.  I can pay my bills every week, with extra left over to save or to have fun with.  We never go without food.  I have a nice car to transport me anywhere I want to go, easily & in comfort, I never lack for gas money.  I am talented and have many hobbies that challenge me.  I have a great job where I am useful & work with some amazing people.  I am loved by the most amazing man on the face of this planet.  And I have faith in an awesome God.  I KNOW all these things.  I BELIEVE all these things. And yet… and yet I lack one thing.

And it seems trivial and silly and stupid to even mention it.  I don’t like to complain.  I’m not complaining, nor do I mean to be ungrateful.  It really should be enough.  But I want one thing more.  One thing that I want more than anything.  One thing that I am so fearful I will never get. One thing that I’m not sure he or He can or will give me.  Maybe it’s both of them, maybe it is only one of them.  How long do I wait, why do I care, things are good now.  They are good now.  So why do I care?

So we talked a lot about giving over to God.  What have I given to God. No, not just tithing, I do OK with that.  But what parts of my life do I trust God to take care of.  Wow, probably none of them.  I’m not big on trust.  Trust is hard.  Not been able to trust people, mostly.  Just a few. So for my “homework” I am supposed to list off all the areas of my life.  Specifically areas that I don’t think I’ve truly turned over to God & that I am somehow still trying to control; so basically all of them…

·        Daughterhood – My relationship with my dad.  Especially post-Mom’s passing.  It has been a struggle & I just don’t know how to relate to him anymore.  I don’t want to be her substitute.  I know I am not, but sometimes it feels like I am.

·        Sisterhood – My relationships with my brothers & sister-in-law, do I do a good job supporting them?

·        Victim - especially in terms of the abuse I suffered as a child, and now being an adult & how it impacts every aspect of my life.

·        Motherhood – How good of a job I am at raising my boys to be caring, compassionate, serving, spirit-led adults.  Who are also able to take care of themselves & not be dependent on someone else for their existence & validation.

·        Love life – My relationship to Gadget, which is phenomenal.  It is the best relationship I have had – ever! But specifically in dealing with my “wants” and impatience.

·        Spiritual life – My relationship with the big guy upstairs, what is lacking & needing improvement.

·        Work life – Am I demonstrating God’s love & serving others properly, while at the same time not being taken advantage of (this is probably a good point for all aspects of my life)

·        BenzillaScrapping – Will it work? Will I achieve what I want with it (being a full-time artist & being able to feed my family)

·        Hobbies & Free time – Do I get the proper balance between work & life?

·        Bills – Will I have the financial means to not worry about if I can pay them or not? Am I a good steward?

·        Home ownership – Will I have the knowledge, or the ability to gain the proper knowledge to be a good steward?

·        Friends – Do a devote enough time to them? Do they know how important/critical they are to me?

·        Church Family – Do I give them enough of my time/resources?

·        Community – Am I giving back?

·        Singing – I just love singing, I want to do it more, I want to be good at it.

·        Are there other areas?

This Sunday Pater Kay delivered the message based on “Who do you think you are?” and man did this really hit home.  I mean, I know the party line “you are a wonderfully made, a loved creature of God”.  Yea.  Right.  So why did so many bad things happen to me when I was younger?  Why do so many discouraging things happen to me now?  “I have good plans for you, never to harm”… uhh, yea, sure.  These are very tough statements for me to believe in & to have faith in.  For most of my life, I have just come to the understanding that this is true for everyone EXCEPT me.  Because life has taught me elsewise.  Life has taught me “you shouldn’t ever complain; that isn’t how you feel; you shouldn’t speak up, you have no right to; I couldn’t resist; you are limiting me; who do you think you are?; what gives you the right?; sit down & shut up; you are worthless; you don’t matter to anyone; no one is ever going to love you like that; you aren’t worth defending & protecting; you are a silly little girl with silly little feelings; I can do with you/to you what I want, no one is going to stop me; you aren’t worth it; when I’m done with you I’ll just move on; you are boring; you will never achieve your dreams; you aren’t smart enough; you are ugly; you are fat; you are here only for my amusement & pleasure” and the voices go on.  I know the first part of this paragraph is supposed to negate them.  That I am a child of God, I am His child, I am beautifully & wonderfully made, that He has only good plans for me, that He will care for me more than the flowers of the field and the birds of the air… and yet I let the other voices drown that out & “be right”.  I not only listen to them, but I believe them.  In fact, I know them so well, they are so familiar they are almost comforting.  They are sultry and sly and sneaky & seductive.  They are hard to resist.  I know I need to change the playlist, but I am not sure how.  Which is why I am in therapy to begin with.

Because come the end of the day, we ARE who we THINK we are.  Perception IS reality.  So I know I NEED to change my thinking.  I need to BELIEVE that I am wonderfully & fearfully made.  I need to have FAITH that he has great plans for me.  So every day, it is a new commitment to try and put Him in charge of these areas of my life.  To realize He is the one that sits on the throne, not me.  That I can try and control stuff, but obviously I am not so good at it.  My track record stinks.  I would not hire me for life management given my current resume.  But if He can love the prostitute and the tax collector and turn their life around; if He can heal the leper & cast out the demons, surely he can do that for me, someone who is a mix of all of that?  I am a lost sheep looking for a shepherd.  But, sheep generally do not find their shepherd, it is the shepherd who finds and saves them, am I willing to let go & allow myself to be saved?  It is a big leap of faith, an enormous amount of trust.  It is very scary for me.  Experience tells me I will be disappointed & fall flat on my face & end up hurt – again.  Scripture says I will be rewarded.

Who do I believe? Who should I believe?