What I wouldn't Give

I love this song… not sure it entirely fits this post, but my gosh this is my life and I don’t know how many times I’ve been silently screaming wondering if anyone heard what I was trying to say…

First off, I should say, this post will be very long, and spiritual and exposing, so if you’re not OK with that, then you probably should just stop reading right now.  But if you are OK with that, then I appreciate your grace, love & understanding as I travel this journey.

Last Monday was my first counseling session for a month.  From before Christmas to after New Year’s. I know that sounds like a small deal, but for someone who has been going religiously every week for over a year, and then every other week for over another year, this is huge.  I have come to look forward to my time with Cheryl as she tries to help me sort out my tangled mess of a life.  So anyway, it was good, and weird to be back.  Sometimes when I have been away from someplace for a while, I feel those old walls coming back.  Separating, not being as open, holding back; some could label it as just being private, but there is an uncomfortableness to it all.  And I was feeling that on Monday.  A bit exposed & vulnerable and definitely not liking it.  We discussed the holidays & what all had (and had not) transpired and such.  And I was feeling just generally down & stuck & without hope.  Part of this, I am sure is the holiday let-down.  Part of it I know is winter.  And part of it, I know is just Me.  Just that ever-lingering voice that says “you are never going to be what you want to be, you are never going to have what you want to have, it is never going to happen ever”.  And it plays over & over in my head like a really bad broken record.  And I am just generally fed up with it.  I want to be what I want to be, I want to have what I want to have, and I want IT to happen.  Is that so wrong, is that so presumptuous of me, does that make me an awful, ungrateful person?  Am I not allowed to have hopes & dreams & desires and…. And this is the big part… and then to actually HAVE some of them happen?  Or do I just get to have hopes & dreams & desires and never see them realized?

And I know a lot of this makes me sound like a sniveling, ungrateful child.  I know that.  I know I am blessed beyond belief.  I have 2 absolutely wonderful, amazing boys.  They try so hard to be good & helpful & sweet & loving.  I have a loving father who would do anything for me, and 2 brothers & a sister & nephew who are the same.  And a wildly huge extended family that I could call at any point.  I have a house to live in that is a good, old house.  I can pay my bills every week, with extra left over to save or to have fun with.  We never go without food.  I have a nice car to transport me anywhere I want to go, easily & in comfort, I never lack for gas money.  I am talented and have many hobbies that challenge me.  I have a great job where I am useful & work with some amazing people.  I am loved by the most amazing man on the face of this planet.  And I have faith in an awesome God.  I KNOW all these things.  I BELIEVE all these things. And yet… and yet I lack one thing.

And it seems trivial and silly and stupid to even mention it.  I don’t like to complain.  I’m not complaining, nor do I mean to be ungrateful.  It really should be enough.  But I want one thing more.  One thing that I want more than anything.  One thing that I am so fearful I will never get. One thing that I’m not sure he or He can or will give me.  Maybe it’s both of them, maybe it is only one of them.  How long do I wait, why do I care, things are good now.  They are good now.  So why do I care?

So we talked a lot about giving over to God.  What have I given to God. No, not just tithing, I do OK with that.  But what parts of my life do I trust God to take care of.  Wow, probably none of them.  I’m not big on trust.  Trust is hard.  Not been able to trust people, mostly.  Just a few. So for my “homework” I am supposed to list off all the areas of my life.  Specifically areas that I don’t think I’ve truly turned over to God & that I am somehow still trying to control; so basically all of them…

·        Daughterhood – My relationship with my dad.  Especially post-Mom’s passing.  It has been a struggle & I just don’t know how to relate to him anymore.  I don’t want to be her substitute.  I know I am not, but sometimes it feels like I am.

·        Sisterhood – My relationships with my brothers & sister-in-law, do I do a good job supporting them?

·        Victim - especially in terms of the abuse I suffered as a child, and now being an adult & how it impacts every aspect of my life.

·        Motherhood – How good of a job I am at raising my boys to be caring, compassionate, serving, spirit-led adults.  Who are also able to take care of themselves & not be dependent on someone else for their existence & validation.

·        Love life – My relationship to Gadget, which is phenomenal.  It is the best relationship I have had – ever! But specifically in dealing with my “wants” and impatience.

·        Spiritual life – My relationship with the big guy upstairs, what is lacking & needing improvement.

·        Work life – Am I demonstrating God’s love & serving others properly, while at the same time not being taken advantage of (this is probably a good point for all aspects of my life)

·        BenzillaScrapping – Will it work? Will I achieve what I want with it (being a full-time artist & being able to feed my family)

·        Hobbies & Free time – Do I get the proper balance between work & life?

·        Bills – Will I have the financial means to not worry about if I can pay them or not? Am I a good steward?

·        Home ownership – Will I have the knowledge, or the ability to gain the proper knowledge to be a good steward?

·        Friends – Do a devote enough time to them? Do they know how important/critical they are to me?

·        Church Family – Do I give them enough of my time/resources?

·        Community – Am I giving back?

·        Singing – I just love singing, I want to do it more, I want to be good at it.

·        Are there other areas?

This Sunday Pater Kay delivered the message based on “Who do you think you are?” and man did this really hit home.  I mean, I know the party line “you are a wonderfully made, a loved creature of God”.  Yea.  Right.  So why did so many bad things happen to me when I was younger?  Why do so many discouraging things happen to me now?  “I have good plans for you, never to harm”… uhh, yea, sure.  These are very tough statements for me to believe in & to have faith in.  For most of my life, I have just come to the understanding that this is true for everyone EXCEPT me.  Because life has taught me elsewise.  Life has taught me “you shouldn’t ever complain; that isn’t how you feel; you shouldn’t speak up, you have no right to; I couldn’t resist; you are limiting me; who do you think you are?; what gives you the right?; sit down & shut up; you are worthless; you don’t matter to anyone; no one is ever going to love you like that; you aren’t worth defending & protecting; you are a silly little girl with silly little feelings; I can do with you/to you what I want, no one is going to stop me; you aren’t worth it; when I’m done with you I’ll just move on; you are boring; you will never achieve your dreams; you aren’t smart enough; you are ugly; you are fat; you are here only for my amusement & pleasure” and the voices go on.  I know the first part of this paragraph is supposed to negate them.  That I am a child of God, I am His child, I am beautifully & wonderfully made, that He has only good plans for me, that He will care for me more than the flowers of the field and the birds of the air… and yet I let the other voices drown that out & “be right”.  I not only listen to them, but I believe them.  In fact, I know them so well, they are so familiar they are almost comforting.  They are sultry and sly and sneaky & seductive.  They are hard to resist.  I know I need to change the playlist, but I am not sure how.  Which is why I am in therapy to begin with.

Because come the end of the day, we ARE who we THINK we are.  Perception IS reality.  So I know I NEED to change my thinking.  I need to BELIEVE that I am wonderfully & fearfully made.  I need to have FAITH that he has great plans for me.  So every day, it is a new commitment to try and put Him in charge of these areas of my life.  To realize He is the one that sits on the throne, not me.  That I can try and control stuff, but obviously I am not so good at it.  My track record stinks.  I would not hire me for life management given my current resume.  But if He can love the prostitute and the tax collector and turn their life around; if He can heal the leper & cast out the demons, surely he can do that for me, someone who is a mix of all of that?  I am a lost sheep looking for a shepherd.  But, sheep generally do not find their shepherd, it is the shepherd who finds and saves them, am I willing to let go & allow myself to be saved?  It is a big leap of faith, an enormous amount of trust.  It is very scary for me.  Experience tells me I will be disappointed & fall flat on my face & end up hurt – again.  Scripture says I will be rewarded.

Who do I believe? Who should I believe?

Big Rocks

I promised my therapist I would bring my life inventory tomorrow.  Of course, I've had all week, and of course with it being holy week, the loss of a dear friend, and singing today, oh, the b-day thing, well....i came up with a lot of excuses why I didn't get it done.  And now it's late, and I want to row & go to bed, but I'm going to do this because it is important.  So here it goes... this is a list of what is important to me, where my priorities, energies & focus need to be.

1. God - making sure I live each day showing his love & grace; doing his work here. Being present & where he wants me to be.

2. Self - that I take good care of myself.  Eat well, sleep enough, row (I love it, it is good all-over exercise), scrap enough, play enough, nurture & care for myself.  There is only 1 of me & a lot of people depend on me.  I can't do my job if I'm not "right".  Sketch, create, journal, capture.

3. 009 & 006 - making sure I do right by them, setting a good example of how we treat others, ourselves, our planet.  Showing them how much they mean to me.  Teaching them how to be responsible, contributing members of society.  How to love God.

4. Parents/family - making sure I love & honor them.

5. Friends - spending time with them & valuing them in my life.

6. Job - gotta have it.  'nuff said

As you can see, I'm relationship oriented.  I'm sure you also notice there is a lot that I do that is not on this list.  There are some medium rocks that maybe I'll list next time.  But these are the big ones.  If these aren't firmly planted, then nothing else I do will be either.  Just like the house that is built on the sand instead of the rock.  No thank you, ma'am.

Good night,
elle

my crazy, so-called life

listening to my youtube playlist.  if you're interested, search for BenzillaScrapping and you can find it.  right now it's having queueing issues.  that drives me a bit crazy. john mayer, he's got a great voice, and his lyrics are rich, deep.

so, i have a lot to say. in regards to mr. he who shall not be named.  maybe someday i will share his name, but not now, not yet. just still to uncertain. actually my heart is breaking for him. he is going through some really awful tough stuff. but i can honestly say, he is one of the strongest men i've ever known.  a quiet strength. determined strength. resilient. tough. faithful. hopeful. secure in his decisions. i know he will come out on the other side of it even stronger.

ok, so the selfish part....i just might get my chance with him after all.  thursday after choir practice i stopped by, tried to see him.  he was home & i thought that was weird.  he didn't answer the door, or the text i sent him, so i left a note under his windshield.  a nice one "hey, stopped by" kind of note. ended up going home, taking a shower, watching tv.  but in the shower i was mad.  I mean MAD. mad at myself for trying (again) mad at god cause he's not taken these feelings out of me. what's the point of feeling them, they're never going to go anywhere.  i wailed, and i gnashed & i lamented. i was mad after the shower too.  i went to bed mad.

friday morning i overslept, i don't know why, i did not go to bed late. but i got up in time to make it to fish to pack.  then i wanted to get new mucksuckers for the fishtank cause i really hate cleaning it.  went to walmart (i don't really like shopping there, but depending on what i need, i have to) and ran into a girlfriend there.  leaving, i checked my phone and there was a text from him. from the night before so i responded back & also noticed he'd try to call 2x that night.  wow, this really surprised me.  he was trying pretty hard to get ahold of me.  he responded back and we had an interesting "conversation" via text. he asked if he could stop by on his way home.  sure thing, i even have beer.

so he stopped by. we talked. he told me what was going on in his life.  i was floored. he mentioned that he couldn't stop thinking about the last time we were together in june.  yea, me neither. that he really liked kissing me & wanted to do it more.  i agreed, but told him i also don't want it to just be about that.  he's not ready for a relationship, i don't think i am either. but i told him i want to hang out, get to know him again, just have fun with him & he totally agreed.

he is such an amazing kisser, i won't go into how it makes me feel, that's probably too personal but let's just say it involves butterflies & a lot more.  my head is spinning. i can't believe it.  i'm scared.  what if i get attached (duh!) and he doesn't?  what if we both do?  i don't want to just be the fill-in girl. i want to be his friend.  yes, and i want to be more, eventually. but i'm not ready.  my heart is not ready, and neither is his. and yes, it got hot.

so how do we proceed, carefully, slowly, with the fact that we are both (extremely!) attracted to each other. especially since i've been waiting some 22 years.  i'm not sure.  other than to just take it 1 day at a time.  very carefully.

saturday i went to day of healing and that was amazing, i learned so much, and need to start putting it into practice. didn't talk to him.  i also know he needs his space. i want to respect that. he said that when he left friday he would see me at church.

sunday when i got there, he was not.  and he didn't show & didn't show.  my heart was stabbed through. he's made this promise before.  but yet friday was talking about how he wanted to raise his son in the church so i thought he was serious this time.  and that he would be there when i give the message, which scares me and delights me all at the same time.  he wants to support me? cool! be there for me? awesome! i was so disappointed. and then, he shows up.  oh wow. he sits with his dad and i've got such a great view of him.  but i'm supposed to pay attention to pastor kay.  whoa boy.  ok.

we have a pitchin afterwards for the council meeting.  he stays for the meal. i don't get to talk to him much after service other than to give him a hug and see how he's doing.  he says 1 day at a time.  i know something's going on, but we don't really get a chance to talk.  he will when he's ready & I know that. he leaves before the meeting (which i stay for) so i walk him out & he gives me a hug, thanks me & says he wants to have me over for dinner some night soon after he gets the house put back together.  he's moved back to his house. i told him i don't really care about the house, but whenever he's ready i say.  and you know where to find me.  and i walk away. it kills me cause i want to kiss him & touch him, but i guess it's just not right.  but i got to look into his eyes and i saw amazing things there.  pain, yes, but fondness, desire, and a general i'm really glad to see you kind of thing too.  that makes my heart sing.

i am so hoping that god leads me in how 'm supposed to approach this.  above all, i want to be his friend, be helpful if i can, be supportive if i can and i hope he will show me the way. yea, i want more, but i want most just for him to find joy & peace in his life.  i think he's on the right road, just don't know my involvement just yet.

and yesterday and today i realized i need to find the same thing, separate from being with him.  that i need to find that even to the exclusion of him.  if that makes sense. and i think i'm on that road too.  that it is not our circumstances that define that.  that yes, you can still have faith in the absence of hope. because if you hang in there faith will bring you back to hope. that feeling without hope does not mean you don't believe. and that it is ok to question because it is in the questioning that you find answers.

so yes, i'm terrified about all of this, but i trust god.  that is where i have to start.  he will not leave me no matter what. so i'm not going to act on the terror and hole myself up someplace to protect my heart.  instead i'm going to cautiously walk this path, slowly, steadily and see where it goes.  because that is how i'm going to find my answers about him too.  and i'm not going to live the next 22 years of my life regretting not taking this second chance.  because that is how i see it.

i have questions for he who shall not be named.  and eventually, when the time is right, i will ask them. but right now, i don't think he knows either.

thanks for listening, i know it's sorta rambling, but i process by dumping, and that is what this is, a brain & a heart dump.  i also process by listening to others.  so last night i spent an hour on the phone with a friend talking about it and she had some very good questions i need to get answers to.  see above paragraph.  but i do agree with her.

dr. townsend said saturday that the key to a satisfied, full-potential life is to honor your values & your passions. so i'm in the process of defining those.  i need to know which ones i'll compromise and which ones i won't in order to have a relationship/nonrelationship with him.

what are yours? do you know?  you should find them.

day of healing 2009

Sitting here in the good ole Honeywell center waiting for the keynote to start, it’s dr. townsend, from the boundary books, cool!  Oh, and some really good news that I’m trying to not let matter to me, more on that later….

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