big dork...

that's what i am.  because doing the adorn it blog hop project, giving the message on sunday, prepping new product to put up on the shop & parenting 2 boys (in addition to everything else!) isn't enough that i have to decide to re-arrange my studio too.  that tends to be what i do when i get overwhelmed.  anyone else? so i've decided i'm mental....

ok, lots has happened, and not, all at the same time.  i watched 000 on sunday, that was  a lot of fun, he's a good baby, and we took a nap together.   i also had a chance to make some pumpkin purree so i can make pies and bread (which 006 calls cake & loves!).  i also need to get apples peeled & frozen for pies.  and make crusts... yup, i'm mental.  but we did make caramel apples, which were a big hit even with the wrestler (new name for mr. he who should not be named, that is just toooo long!).

when he got back, he had to change the headlight in his car (good idea!) and so 000 & i were watching him through the door.  all i could keep thinking was "dang, your dad is hot!" as he's leaning over the front of the car...then he joined us for supper (i was totally shocked that he agreed) and he said he loved my cooking.  wow, thanks! after the boys were done eating, we finished up and then just sat around talking.  that was a lot of fun.

the whole time i'm so keyed up, but in a good way.  wanted to kiss him, but we don't.  i was a bit disappointed with that.  i know, take it slow, but one little kiss wouldn't be bad would it? he had wedneday off because of veteran's day, and was hoping to sleep in.  i found out yesterday that didn't happen.  poor guy, he's so beat.

the rest of the week has been pretty uneventful in that area and i guess it is good & bad at the same time. i want so much more but i know i need to be patient and slow.  i'm trying to be, but it is really hard.  my therapist asked me what it would look like to let him pursue me.  hard, i said.  cause i'm afraid he won't. and honestly, i don't think i've ever been pursued by a man.  not even really the recruiter, it took me making the first move cause he was too scared.  and i know it's my fault, i don't allow them to because i'm too busy pursuing them.  so i'm going to step into that fear and try it and see what happens.  just hold my hand, ok?

because underneath it all i'm finally understanding is this fear of abandonment.  i'm having to stare it in the face and call it out and take it's power away.  it is hard. my mother emotionally abandoned me as a child (i never heard her say the words "i love you" to me until i was an adult) my brothers abandoned their brotherly relationship with me when i was very young. boyfriends abandoned me for other girls who were better than me, my first husband abandoned me to pursue his alcoholism/narcotics addition, and i've been abandoning people first for fear they will do it to me.  better to be the first one, right?  not really cause now my second husband abandoned me so that he could go live a life of his own, without me and one of my brothers, though he lives here in town, does absolutely nothing to help me with my mom & dad.  so yea, that's a theme for me.  abandonment.  i've got issues.  and yes, i know god will never abandon me, so let's just put that out there. that is a wonderful, amazing thing, but it hasn't taken the fear away yet.

i have to step into the fear, risk being abandoned again.  and one of two things is going to happen.  first, it could validate the fact that i'm just always going to be abandoned because that is what happens in my life.  or second, if i choose to hang back and allow him to pursue, then i'll come out stronger knowing that i chose it & i can survive it.  whether or not he chooses to pursue me.

that's some scary stuff right there.

been working on my message for sunday.  i'm thinking of posting it here on monday to share.

thanks for listening & helping my process these feelings.  now it's on to putting my studio back together so i can get my project done!
elle