so today is sunday. going to church day. and we did. i got the picture slide show done, and got there early so i could test it on jim (pastor kay's) laptop. i park the car in the parking lot, usually a good idea. and i notice someone's car there. he who shall not be named's car. oh, i know it, i've made it my job to know it. and all of a sudden i'm tempted to restart the car and just turn it around and not walk in. but i have to walk in. i have to do the presentation. i don't know if she's with him. that will break my heart. what if she is? what if she isn't?
last thursday, i think, i forget the day, he and i spent about 3 hours texting back and forth. maybe it was friday. the boys were in school, so heck it had to be 1 of those 2 days. it was fun, flirty. but makes me think he only wants me for services rendered. i don't offer. he just about asks. he says they are together again, but mostly for the baby. hum. well, i know how well that works out, now don't i. but i don't want to preach or offer advice so i just listen. i ask him if he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. he says he goes back & forth. in my book, that's a no. been there, done that, have more than 1 t-shirt. so that's why i'm wondering if he's flying solo or not.
he's not flying solo. he's got his baby with him, but no her. i was shocked, this is quite the move. he normally doesn't like to do anything to ripple the waters. we talk. i help jim get the slide show going, he has powerpoint so it makes it all that much easier. i can't think, i'm hyperaware of him in the sanctuary. i ask him later if he has anyone to sit with, just mom & dad, but i'm welcome too. so i get the boys. the boys want to know why we're sitting in a different place (they sit all the way up on house left, we usually sit 1/2 way back, house right. isn't it funny how everyone has unassigned, assigned seats?). i tell them i want to sit with my friend.
oh, before i got the boys, he gave me his baby to hold. wow, what an incredible feeling, i love little snuggly babies, he is just the perfect size at 6 weeks. i want to kiss him & love all over him but he's not mine. but he is a baby with super soft hair, lots of hair. i'm trying really hard to just fly loose. he looks a lot like you, xcept he might be cuter! just try to talk & laugh with no strings. no agenda. hard, but i think i succeeded.
it was easier once service started. and then i realized everyone could see us sitting together. what were they thinking? what was he thinking? had this crossed his mind? did he care? his mom turned around and looked at me, winked, then at him. she has informed me she has more than 1 son. yes dear, i know, but i only really want to be with the 1. and why do i so strongly want to be with him? what is it? i have asked this question so many times. the sermon was on god's response to job. not an answer to his question, but a response. i wonder which one i'll get.
why was he there? is god trying to tell me something? i want so much to have a partner who is faith-based. i know he's got it, if he'd just let it out. i always read waaay too much into things. we didn't really talk much after, lots of people were talking to him or his family, but i just couldn't pull my eyes off of him. i not only wear my heart on my sleeve, but i'm pretty sure it's lit up like a neon sign.
i somehow need to let go of all of this. him, my hope & desires to be with him. i've not been able to be with him for 22 years, what makes me think that it's gonna happen now. i don't think he wants it to. i know he'd like it to work out with her. i'm sure that would be better, all things considered. and i want him to be happy. you know, we say that, but it's a really hard thing to truly mean, cause what i'd really like to say is i want him to be happy with me. so how do you let go, bury, put to rest, (give up?)... i don't know. because just when i think i have, something happens and it's like a carrot dangled in front of me.
there are no white knights. no man rescues you, there is no prince when you kiss the frog, very few live happily ever after, and i'm quite certain the number of men who actually mean what they say and take it to heart, take it very seriously, as an oath, a covenant are few and far between. most men, i'm sure just want to take as much as what they can get out of something, have as much fun as possible, and then bail when the going gets rough. at least this has been my experience. i try not to be jaded, i try not to be cynical. but the minute i start being optimistic is the minute i become naive and i get hurt. hurt bad. i'm so tired of hurting because of my own stupidity & that i've put my faith and trust in a person. and i also know there is nothing i can do about it. and i know that i will continue to do the above. i just hope someday it is a person who has earned it.
it is like the garth brooks song (wow, i just learned how to embed video, totally cool!) this has been my motto for so long. i like so many of his songs, the dance, the river... but i won't show them all.
so i'm just wondering what you think i should do. how do i get over it? i'm trying to distract myself by focusing on my boys, the church, working at fish, etc. and it works to an extent. i know in a lot of ways, there is still a lot of healing to be done because of all the other stuff that has happened in my life. i guess i would just like to know that when i get there, there will be someone waiting for me, that i will not grow old alone and forgotten. that i will matter to someone, someone who chose to spend their life with me because they wanted to. not someone who has to because they are family. and i know, don't remind me, the recruiter was more than willing to do that. but honestly, i think he just wanted insto-family because he missed it too. i understand that & am not saying that to be mean. and i know he would have treated me like a princess but there was something missing, something not right. i don't know what is was exactly, but i know it wasn't there. maybe on my part is was the fact that there was not a lack of other people in my heart. that i still had hope for someone else. because i know when you get married, or commit to someone else, there should be a lack of "what about him, or what if..." kinds of things from your heart. you have to be confident that you have made the best choice already and that it is right there in front of you. and i'm not sure i've ever had that. because i've always wondered "what if" about mr. he who shall remain nameless.
it was amazing, awesome & a bit scary to sit next to him in church, but i thanked god that he was there. and that concludes the rather circuitous post today. hope i've not left you too dazed....
i still want to be with him. i don't know how to not want to be.
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